In Bali I sit reflecting on, “what am I doing with my life?” I am reminded of how much I LOVED being a trainer and how empowered I felt. 10 years on, how it affects today – I competed in the ANB – Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Competition. I was at the pinnacle of my Fitness Career and loved working as a Personal Trainer in Sydney, Australia.
Today I recognize, along with my recent Canadian break-up, I have been affected, by seemingly having ‘failed’. Whilst intellectually I know I haven’t, I have an installed fear within, that has prevented me from stepping forth, again, owning something that I WANT. I WANT so much to feel this sense of joy & empowerment again, today I met my fear head on whilst speaking with my friend. I witnessed my fear in committing to something I want, for fear of not being good enough, worthy enough, not my path, for maybe failing again, etc etc.
You see, I had it all mapped out 10 years ago. I had a business partnership with another. We signed a 3 year lease on a commercial property to create a Holistic Health Centre. I was a successful trainer, and well on my way to graduating from my Diploma of Tranformational Coaching. This was what I wanted! I was 27 years old & I was doing what I loved! The sky was the limit!
In October 2006 I went into competition & placed 4th in Women’s Short Figure. It was a MASSIVE achievement! My coach suggested I stick at it as my physic was perfect for competing. Through this time, the relationship I was in ended and we parted ways.
Over the next duration of months, I continued to pour everything into my work and kept my training up, despite the next comp being another year away. The turning point happened after my Coaching Module – VISION QUEST. Where we undertake a sacred ceremony of entering into the bush from Dawn to Dusk – setting intentions for what we wish to let go of and welcome into our lives. I came away from that weekend with my mind blown & my energetic senses high. I’d gone down the rabbit hole & lost my way back out.
I entered depression for the next 2.5 years & as a result, everything I knew fell apart. My PT Business died, the friends I knew, fell away. I had high expenses based on my previous life & the mediocre jobs I was doing barely cut what was needed each week. I became a recluse hermit. My training faded and I lost who I thought I was.
I underwent therapy through this time & it was baby steps in the dark. I didn’t know if I was moving forwards, backwards or even if I was moving at all? Mostly I felt I wasn’t. Eventually as I pulled through, my confidence was shattered, and I took whatever jobs I could to survive. Personal Training felt so far from me, it was a distant object.
This was 2009/10, and ever since has been a gradual step forward.
Wrapido to Nature Care College. Nature Care College to lululemon. lululemon to Canada. Canada to New Zealand. New Zealand to Bali Silent Retreat.
Each role, each location, bringing me closer and closer to ME. The real & authentic ME. Each place, rich & full with life lessons & experiences not possible in a classroom.
Now, sitting here in Bali, after being ‘born’ from my 8 month Bali Womb, I sit and wonder what is next? There is no backwards, there is no sideways, there is only forwards. I am done being a paid employee, I am done being dictated with plans & someone else’s ‘to do’s’, I am done with being 2nd best!!!
I must step forward, I must face my fear of failure, I must feel it and step forward regardless.
After all, what is a life worth living if we haven’t truly lived?
I don’t know how to do this? I don’t know how to start again? I only know I have to. I have to!
So days ago, in fact the day after I wrote my previous blog, my life took a drastic turn.
I have been spending extended time in a Silent Retreat, on the magical island of Bali. It’s been a little over 8 months so far, hence my previous blog post. (You can read that blog here.)
Upon returning from Australia, I was met with changes in my exchange at the retreat, to which I decided to step up into. I imagined that there was a higher purpose for me being here, you know, to create something of my own contribution towards this retreat space and the hundreds of courageous souls who visit.
The next day, a whirlwind happened and I was let go! A mass of incorrect communications took place. Different perceptions of the same words, catapulted into miscommunication which resulted in this action. It was wild, it was crazy, there may have been some angry words said, all necessary in the transition of this lesson.
But the strange thing is, I am not upset about it. It feels right and I am in total acceptance that this was what had to happen. And so now I sit in a space much like the butterfly does, as she allows her wings to dry before taking flight into a new adventure.
Mostly I feel excited and optimistic, though occasionally I feel nervous.
I want so much to step into an exciting opportunity that nurtures my soul to the highest extent. I just want to get going, but equally flit with days of simply just needing rest and feeling exhausted. What a ride this is.
Today feels more optimistic. After a chat with a friend, I’m being reminded of processes akin to nature. These support me to accept what is and to not work against my own unfolding.
Se are human beings and we have an ego. The ego likes to know what is happening. I know mine does.
– Where am I going?
– What do I want to do?
– How will I have money?
– Do I put my energies into Be Your Own Guru?
All these questions and more are humming along in the background that I am acknowledging.
Still I wish to act from love. I wish to take action as & when it feels right. Acting from fear only gets in the way, and prevents what really needs to drop in to arrive and be heard.
I explored websites my friend shared, and worked on my primary values – to help manifest & gain clarity of my next step. These are the only steps available right now. This, and to honor how much my body needs rest. I nap each afternoon & am moving very gently.
One can only work with what is available & be in the dance of co-creation. Good things take time & everything has a natural rhythm.
This living in Bali business really invites facing myself in a brutally honest way.
It has to be one of my most challenging rides to date. I think I consider leaving Bali almost daily.
It feels like the mask that once so craftily created, to hide an insecurity, is slowly peeled back or being dissolved. I am coming face to face with emotions real. Connected to old embedded thoughts that remind me of the young girl I once knew so well. The hopeless teenager who felt so down on herself she cried everyday after school. The young girl who was so self conscious she accepted that boys were attracted to her friends and not her. As her friends attended parties with said boys, it hurt her to not be invited, yet she never said a word.
These fundamental years shaped me. They set the tone, my blueprint for what I believe of myself.
Of course ADULT HEIDI understands better these days. But the reality is that she doesn’t always run the show. My self worth is in review at the present moment, and Adult Heidi has stepped to the side, holding space for this younger self to be seen. It ain’t comfortable. It’s not particularly enjoyable. But it’s real. It takes courage to meet yourself with your wounds exposed. But here I am. I am here because I want something different for myself. I don’t want to under value myself anymore.
I want to truly experience the Woman I want to be in the world. I don’t want to feel an achy heart for something I long for. I want to vibrate at such a frequency and know I already have love. I don’t want to feel a sense of unworthiness or shame at the thought of supporting others through their dark moments and personal journey. I don’t want to feel like my contribution in the world doesn’t matter or isn’t worth a worthy exchange that allows me to enjoy the fruits of life. I want to feel that I know I HAVE these. That I don’t feel a lack. A yearning. A wanting. I want to feel the sense of satisfaction that is available from having made a difference.
I know to well the heart ache of our planet and its people right now and I don’t know where to start? I really don’t. This image conjures – me yelling at others “pick up your trash”, like a teacher on duty during interval at school.
Peoples naivety hurts my heart! Why can they not see? Not understand the results of their actions? Their in-actions?! Where do I start? How do I matter AND live an enjoyable life meeting my needs? From here, where to?
The solution from my mind is not clear. I don’t think I can pull myself out of, something my mind created. The false lies. My false sense of self (worth). This is not who I am. It is a tee-taw established during childhood, one I believed. They are merely thoughts. The only way through is to face myself.
SELF DIAGNOSED PRESCRIPTION
What can one do with a thought? One can change it.
What invested interest do I have in believing I am not worthy? I have NONE!
This false belief does NOT serve ME!
It doesn’t make me happy!
It doesn’t allow me to thrive!
It makes me feel shit.
So, why do I hold onto it? Because it’s all I’ve known.
Am I ready to let it go? YES!!
And so, what is its replacement?
Are you aware of all the different thoughts babbling away in your head?
One telling you NOT to eat that block of chocolate.
Another telling you to get out, exercise more.
What about the one that makes you feel guilty whenever you choose something loving or nurturing for yourself.
What are all these thoughts there for?
Most of us go about with these background thoughts playing. We may, or may not choose to look at them and hear what they’re saying. Most of the time people don’t because, well, who really wants to listen to someone berating us for doing something that we want, or don’t want to do, ex – chocolate/exercise.
The internet is filled with motivational quotes – inspirational images of pretty girls with hot bodies & fashionable vibrant exercise wear – promoting ‘Just do it’. Our Egos are being stimulated to focus on reaching our goals.
Set your goals + chase them + achieve them = happiness!
But does it?
Once you have worked for that hot body like your Instagram feed pics, your green smoothie recipe is on par with your latest Vegan sista’s blog – have you really reached true happiness?
It is really easy to think we have, because we have joined the mass health movement and are following the trend of what is hip & cool.
I’ve been there & I know how good it can feel, and it does feel good. But how healthy is your mind? How healthy are your thoughts circling around that styled sexy mop of yours?
How many times did you take selfies before you felt confident enough to share it because it caught your best look?
We have made it into this era where it all looks great from here. We’re all aware of healthy eating.
Eating locally raised/Organic produce
Eating balanced Protein/Fat/Carb type meals – eating optimally for health & energy requirements
Moving our bodies regularly
Taking selfies or getting friends to take our photo while we pose our mastered Asana.
Taking pics of nature & how we enjoy spending our non working time.
I love it – it IS beautiful to behold, and being aware of this wave of health conscious individuals.
BUT – what I really want to know is, how are your THOUGHTS?
What is going on underneath your tanned athletic complexion, regular Yoga/HIIT classes, green power smoothies, and motivational insta quotes?
Are you keeping up with the trend because it is such? Or are these actions truly aligned with your inner self? There is no right or wrong answer, however your answer could dictate the inner workings of your mind.
Back in my 20’s I kept up with the best of them. Churning through my daily workouts, eating clean and every 3-4 hours. My routine was near flawless. I was fit, lean, energetic & felt like I was in control.
My Ego on the other hand, was not. I was driven to run from the truth of how I really felt about myself. My subconscious patterning and beliefs. “you’re not good enough, you’re not pretty enough, you don’t have enough, you’re not lean enough, you’re not doing enough, you’re different to everyone else…”
These very beliefs created the gym junkie persona that I identified with. I thought that that ‘healthy gym goer WAS who I was!
It was only when I started to acknowledge these inner thoughts that my life started to slowly change. I didn’t know it at the time, but it wasn’t possible for me to maintain who I was showing up in the world as, and live by these old beliefs that were fueling that behavior. A new reality was being created. One that would see me feeling good inside AND out.
It may well be possible to live a life where you look good on the outside whilst juggling these self depreciating thoughts, but from memory – I didn’t enjoy it to much, and it is likely that there is polar opposite behaviour playing out because of these very same thoughts. It might show up in the form of;
– weekend party girl/binge drinker
– binge eater
– substance addiction
– addiction to being busy
– fear of being on your own
+ a world of other examples.
You may think that one balances the other.
You may also want to change this, but haven’t known how or where to start.
You are tired of this balance.
Tired of the hangovers, the inner guilt trips, the digestive problems and/or disorders…. You have IBS, Constipation, Gluten Intolerant, Celiac, numerable food allergies.
So back to those thoughts of yours. What do you do?
Start by acknowledging them. Give them your awareness.
Each time you hear a self depreciating thought – acknowledge it by saying Hello, I Hear You. I Love You then let it go.
Hello. I Hear You. I Love You. Every time you hear anything negative said towards yourself from yourself. Hello. I Hear You. I Love You.
Practice this small significant action for the next few days.
Let me know how you go in the comments below or reach out here.
As this blog names suggests, I wanted to share a story about what saying YES to your goals + dreams really means, share the process and the fears that can potentially pop up when we step up to say YES to the life we want.
Here we go;
I had a great lesson recently. It is regarding abundance, manifestations & desires. I received the opportunity to fly to Canada for 1 week, with 1 weeks notice.
My initial reaction was = CRAZY!! But this is my life. Crazy and spontaneous is exactly the way I like it, so I’d asked for this!
Neil (a previous romance, who I wasn’t over, who pulled on my heart strings like crazy, who lived in Canada) said to me; “if you can find a return flight to Canada for 2K, I’ll fly you over for my 30th birthday!”
“Deal.” was my response.
I called my travel agent Lucy, at Flight Centre straight away, to tell her my story. Straight away she was online checking flights. She found one with China Air for $2100.
“Do you want me to book it?
“Um, let me check with Neil first”. I wanted to confirm he was really THAT serious, as his request was only via Viber.
“Ok, let me see if I can hold it for you. Yep, I can only hold it until tomorrow 5pm. Will you confirm with me tomorrow, if you want to go ahead? How exciting!” Lucy replied.
Neil had gone to bed on his side of the world, so I had to wait patiently until the next morning to call him.
Me to Neil. “Are you serious about me coming over, because I found a flight!”
“Yeah, what do you think, do you want too?”
So now that that’s clear, I need to arrange the details. Work, Flights etc…
I ring Jess (my Manager at work), to explain my story and request my leave, to leave in ONE WEEK. Keep in mind here, that at work we were very tightly staffed AND a colleague was already granted leave for 3 weeks during this time! What was my possibility going to be? “So um, you know how I’m going to Canada for my working holiday next year, well Neil, this guy I love, well, he wants to fly me over for his birthday, like next week, and, well, can I take time off work in like a weeks time?”
“Wow! Absolutely, we can make that happen. We’ll just look at the rosters and see what we can do!”
Ok cool, so the work thing is now sorted. Now to call Lucy and confirm my ticket. I thought I’d ask Lucy about changing the dates a little, because in my haste to search dates, I hadn’t really looked at my work schedule, I was more concerned with finding a 2K flight. She checked out some alternatives, but discovered that overnight, all flights had gone UP an extra $1500!! Not mine, because it had been held & secured. Talk about bloody luck!
I confirm with Lucy that this was going ahead and Neil is paying. After hanging up, I follow her email prompts to pay using his Credit Card. Because I was using his Canadian Credit Card, the Australian payment page was giving me a declined message. His card wouldn’t work in Australia. I call Lucy back, she suggested he could pay via BPAY. She gives me the codes, and I contact Neil and ask him to give this way a go.
On the phone with Lucy again, two further suggestions.
Over the phone & bank transfer.
As I am about to give Lucy Neils’ CC digits, I felt prompted to ask her; “I’m ok to travel aren’t I? My passport is valid until November this year, I’m still good right?”
“Noooooo” she replies. “You can’t travel with less than 6 months validity on your passport!”
“Whatdyamean, I can’t fly with less than 6 months validity, what’s the purpose of an expiration date on a passport, if you can’t fly up until it expires?”
“I’m not 100% sure why, but I know you can’t travel. Maybe call the embassy and double check. You can order an emergency passport”.
This is the point where I begin to ask myself;
– should I really be going
– why don’t I just wait until I go properly next year
– I’ll have more time to arrange my passport
– probably wasn’t meant to happen anyway
– I’m not paying for an emergency passport
– what a crazy idea – it was fun to think about & explore…
This is where my fear, rears its doubt & fearful reasoning…
This is the main crux of my story. That point, or threshold where we’re likely SO familiar.
The ego mind that is telling us that our dreams were just that. A dream. A nice idea and a fictional reality to indulge in.
Where we tell ourselves – ‘I could never do that – that’s crazy!’
That point of reasoning where we back down from that very thing that we want, when it’s almost within reach, when moving forward means stepping up into potential discomfort and GROWTH and OWNING what we want.
That’s right OWNING your dreams.
THE TURNING POINT
I call Neil, feeling a little defeated, like something has just died inside me. I explain to him about my passport & how I couldn’t travel. Here’s what he said.
“Just get a new one.”
Unattached to my story, my emotion, my thoughts. ‘Just get a new one!’
My story spills out of my mouth; “blah blah blah money, time, passport, how, money blah blah blah” (you get my jist, you heard it all above.)
“Don’t worry about it baby. I’ll pay for it. Call the travel agent, book the ticket, apply for a new passport, get your bum here, it’ll be fine.”
I hop off the phone, feeling like I’ve been pushed to my edges. My story has been blasted to smithereens and I’ve now got no excuse in the book, to stop me from going to Canada in 6 days time. 6 days! A passport in 6 days!
I call the embassy. They spell out the steps required to order an emergency passport in simple black & white. Simple. It’s actually really simple. Today is Wednesday. I calculate that I can head into the city Thursday afternoon to order my passport, pick it up Tuesday afternoon, then fly to Canada Wednesday. I’m not leaving the courier to chance. No way – I’m picking this puppy up myself!
PAYING FOR THE FLIGHT
It’s now 12:30pm, and I start work at 1pm. I have 30 mintues to drive to work & 4.5hrs to pay for my ticket. Should be easy.
I’m on the phone to Lucy again. This time we’re trying Neil’s Credit Card payment over the phone.
My ego speaks up again;
– maybe you’re not meant to be going
– if we pull out now, we’ll be safe, you won’t have to stress about an emergency passport. Shhhhhhh I tell it.
Lucy asks me if I can pay. Sadly that isn’t an option at the moment. I ask her about the bank transfer option she’d mentioned previously. Her Manager had removed pulled this off the table, saying the funds wouldn’t clear fast enough from Canada in time to pay for the ticket.
My options were out!
I’ve now left for work, driving, trying to figure out what I can do. Who can I borrow $2000 from? Who asks people for this kind of money?? How bad do I want to go to Canada for my dears birthday? I wanna go. Bad!
A name appears in my minds eye. Jules.
Jules: noun Your nearest and dearest bestie. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby and has a 3 year old toddler. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby, has a 3 year told toddler, and has just purchased her first family home with her partner.
Could I really be so cheeky to ask her to borrow this money? But it’s just until funds clear from Canada. But I still have to ask the question. It’s NEVER comfortable asking anybody for money. Coffee money. Lunch money. Let alone a $2000 ticket to Canada!
I have Eddie Murphys impression of Bill Cosby playing in my head. “Neeeed the money, to buy the ticKET! Get the money, to get the ticKET!” I call Jules, and I tell her my story, I ask if she can lend me the money to buy the ticKET. (without the Bill Cosby impersonation). I can tell that she wants to help me, but know it’s a loaded question. This is confirmed because she needs to speak to her partner, to get the all clear.
10 MINUTES PASS
I’ve arrived at my destination, and I’m walking from my car into work. Jules has called back. She’s spoken with her partner, and they’ve agreed they will help me, but need to know that the money is going to make it’s way straight back to them.
I feel my Solar Plexus.
I get this.
It’s a lot of money to request, give, and trust for anyone. Let alone a new family with 2 kids and a brand new mortgage.
I’m at work now.
I ask Jules if she would kindly call Lucy for me. Not having explained to Lucy what has actually happened in the past 30 minutes.
5 minutes later a text comes through from Jules.
YOU’RE GOING TO CANADA!!
The rest of the story falls into place from here. I got my passport easy. I got my shifts covered easy. Everybody at work said YES to covering me. Another dear friend even volunteered to swap her shifts at work so she could drive me to the airport! Easy. Everything was EASY! I said YES.
The universe said YES.
In summary, the point of my story sharing, is to illustrate that crucial crux point. That sticky threshold between choosing to stay where we are, or choosing to step up into something new.
Do you really want your dreams and desires in life, stepping up to the call and taking action?
Do you just keep doing what you’ve always done, continuing to achieve the same outcome?
I’ve shared this story with a few friends, and their response has been one of awe & inspiration! I hope by sharing it here with you, it will inspire you to notice your sticky points, step up to OWN your dreams and desires also.
They are your god-given (or spirit, universe, soul….) birthright. They are available to you right NOW!