In Bali I reflect – “What am I doing with my life”?

In Bali I sit reflecting on, “what am I doing with my life?”  I am reminded of how much I LOVED being a trainer and how empowered I felt.  10 years on, how it affects today – I competed in the ANB – Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Competition.  I was at the pinnacle of my Fitness Career and loved working as a Personal Trainer in Sydney, Australia.

Today I recognize, along with my recent Canadian break-up, I have been affected, by seemingly having ‘failed’.  Whilst intellectually I know I haven’t, I have an installed fear within, that has prevented me from stepping forth, again, owning something that I WANT.  I WANT so much to feel this sense of joy & empowerment again, today I met my fear head on whilst speaking with my friend.  I witnessed my fear in committing to something I want, for fear of not being good enough, worthy enough, not my path, for maybe failing again, etc etc.

You see, I had it all mapped out 10 years ago.  I had a business partnership with another.  We signed a 3 year lease on a commercial property to create a Holistic Health Centre.  I was a successful trainer, and well on my way to graduating from my Diploma of Tranformational Coaching.  This was what I wanted!  I was 27 years old & I was doing what I loved!  The sky was the limit!

In October 2006 I went into competition & placed 4th in Women’s Short Figure.  It was a MASSIVE achievement!  My coach suggested I stick at it as my physic was perfect for competing.  Through this time, the relationship I was in ended and we parted ways.

Over the next duration of months, I continued to pour everything into my work and kept my training up, despite the next comp being another year away.  The turning point happened after my Coaching Module – VISION QUEST.  Where we undertake a sacred ceremony of entering into the bush from Dawn to Dusk – setting intentions for what we wish to let go of and welcome into our lives.  I came away from that weekend with my mind blown & my energetic senses high.  I’d gone down the rabbit hole & lost my way back out.

I entered depression for the next 2.5 years & as a result, everything I knew fell apart.  My PT Business died, the friends I knew, fell away.  I had high expenses based on my previous life & the mediocre jobs I was doing barely cut what was needed each week.  I became a recluse hermit.  My training faded and I lost who I thought I was.

I underwent therapy through this time & it was baby steps in the dark.  I didn’t know if I was moving forwards, backwards or even if I was moving at all?  Mostly I felt I wasn’t.  Eventually as I pulled through, my confidence was shattered, and I took whatever jobs I could to survive.  Personal Training felt so far from me, it was a distant object.

This was 2009/10, and ever since has been a gradual step forward.

Wrapido to Nature Care College.  Nature Care College to lululemon.  lululemon to Canada.  Canada to New Zealand.  New Zealand to Bali Silent Retreat.

Each role, each location, bringing me closer and closer to ME.  The real & authentic ME.   Each place, rich & full with life lessons & experiences not possible in a classroom.

Now, sitting here in Bali, after being ‘born’ from my 8 month Bali Womb, I sit and wonder what is next?  There is no backwards, there is no sideways, there is only forwards.  I am done being a paid employee, I am done being dictated with plans & someone else’s ‘to do’s’, I am done with being 2nd best!!!

NOW!

NOW!

I must step forward, I must face my fear of failure, I must feel it and step forward regardless.

I MUST.

I MUST.

After all, what is a life worth living if we haven’t truly lived?

I don’t know how to do this?  I don’t know how to start again?  I only know I have to.  I have to!

Anything less & I do my soul a severe injustice.

And so being my own guru is where this is at!

The only way forward is through.

It’s time to be my OWN GURU!

In Bali I sit asking - "what am I doing with my life?"

 

Life took a drastic turn

life took a drastic turn

So days ago, in fact the day after I wrote my previous blog, my life took a drastic turn.

I have been spending extended time in a Silent Retreat, on the magical island of Bali.  It’s been a little over 8 months so far, hence my previous blog post.  (You can read that blog here.)

Upon returning from Australia, I was met with changes in my exchange at the retreat, to which I decided to step up into.  I imagined that there was a higher purpose for me being here, you know, to create something of my own contribution towards this retreat space and the hundreds of courageous souls who visit.

The next day, a whirlwind happened and I was let go!  A mass of incorrect communications took place.  Different perceptions of the same words, catapulted into miscommunication which resulted in this action.  It was wild, it was crazy, there may have been some angry words said, all necessary in the transition of this lesson.

But the strange thing is, I am not upset about it.  It feels right and I am in total acceptance that this was what had to happen.  And so now I sit in a space much like the butterfly does, as she allows her wings to dry before taking flight into a new adventure.

Mostly I feel excited and optimistic, though occasionally I feel nervous.

I want so much to step into an exciting opportunity that nurtures my soul to the highest extent.  I just want to get going, but equally flit with days of simply just needing rest and feeling exhausted.  What a ride this is.

Today feels more optimistic.  After a chat with a friend, I’m being reminded of processes akin to nature.  These support me to accept what is and to not work against my own unfolding.

Se are human beings and we have an ego.  The ego likes to know what is happening.  I know mine does.

– Where am I going?
– What do I want to do?
– How will I have money?
– Do I put my energies into Be Your Own Guru?

All these questions and more are humming along in the background that I am acknowledging.

Still I wish to act from love.  I wish to take action as & when it feels right.  Acting from fear only gets in the way, and prevents what really needs to drop in to arrive and be heard.

I explored websites my friend shared, and worked on my primary values – to help manifest & gain clarity of my next step.  These are the only steps available right now.  This, and to honor how much my body needs rest.  I nap each afternoon & am moving very gently.

One can only work with what is available & be in the dance of co-creation.  Good things take time & everything has a natural rhythm.

– BYOG

 

 

 

living in Bali | facing myself

This living in Bali business really invites facing myself in a brutally honest way.
It has to be one of my most challenging rides to date.  I think I consider leaving Bali almost daily.

It feels like the mask that once so craftily created, to hide an insecurity, is slowly peeled back or being dissolved.  I am coming face to face with emotions real.  Connected to old embedded thoughts that remind me of the young girl I once knew so well.  The hopeless teenager who felt so down on herself she cried everyday after school.  The young girl who was so self conscious she accepted that boys were attracted to her friends and not her.  As her friends attended parties with said boys, it hurt her to not be invited, yet she never said a word.

These fundamental years shaped me.  They set the tone, my blueprint for what I believe of myself.

Of course ADULT HEIDI understands better these days.  But the reality is that she doesn’t always run the show.  My self worth is in review at the present moment, and Adult Heidi has stepped to the side, holding space for this younger self to be seen.  It ain’t comfortable.  It’s not particularly enjoyable.  But it’s real.  It takes courage to meet yourself with your wounds exposed.  But here I am.  I am here because I want something different for myself.  I don’t want to under value myself anymore.

I want to truly experience the Woman I want to be in the world.  I don’t want to feel an achy heart for something I long for.  I want to vibrate at such a frequency and know I already have love.  I don’t want to feel a sense of unworthiness or shame at the thought of supporting others through their dark moments and personal journey.  I don’t want to feel like my contribution in the world doesn’t matter or isn’t worth a worthy exchange that allows me to enjoy the fruits of life.  I want to feel that I know I HAVE these.  That I don’t feel a lack.  A yearning.  A wanting.  I want to feel the sense of satisfaction that is available from having made a difference.

I know to well the heart ache of our planet and its people right now and I don’t know where to start?  I really don’t. This image conjures – me yelling at others “pick up your trash”, like a teacher on duty during interval at school.

Peoples naivety hurts my heart!  Why can they not see?  Not understand the results of their actions?  Their in-actions?!  Where do I start?  How do I matter AND live an enjoyable life meeting my needs?  From here, where to?

The solution from my mind is not clear.  I don’t think I can pull myself out of, something my mind created.  The false lies.  My false sense of self (worth).  This is not who I am.  It is a tee-taw established during childhood, one I believed.  They are merely thoughts.  The only way through is to face myself.

SELF DIAGNOSED PRESCRIPTION

What can one do with a thought?  One can change it.
What invested interest do I have in believing I am not worthy?  I have NONE!
This false belief does NOT serve ME!
It doesn’t make me happy!
It doesn’t allow me to thrive!
It makes me feel shit.
So, why do I hold onto it?  Because it’s all I’ve known.
Am I ready to let it go?  YES!!
And so, what is its replacement?

I AM LOVED…

facing myself