A story for you my sister…

A reoccurring theme has been emerging in my dreams for some years now.

I had another last night, and when I awoke, spent some time reflecting on it.

It connects to an experience I had during my teenage years.

In these years, it involves my friends not inviting me to join them for a spa at one of our guy friends houses’.  We were staying/living together at the time, and after dinner, everyone quietly packed up & left without so much as a see you later.

I found myself alone within the house wondering – what had I done?  Why had I not been invited?  I was devastated!

Mum was out of town at the time, hence the three of us living together during this time.  Mum had ‘conveniently’ changed the locks on our family home, so I couldn’t access it while they were gone.  I still called her & told her what had happened, and she organised for me to move into her friends’ home until she returned.

So I packed up my things and moved in with Diane.  I didn’t speak to my ‘friends’ for the next couple of years.
Bam. Done.  What had I done?  Till this day I still don’t know what happened?

The theme of this experience, repeats itself in my dreams, and has done for years.  The devastation of not being invited to hang with my so called friends.  Rejection, Devastation & Hurt.  So when the dream arose again this morning I begun to question it some more.

How do I really feel about what happened back then?
– Upset

Where do I feel ‘upset’ in my body?
– My heart

Am I ready to let this pain go?
– Yes

What do I need in order to do that?
– Let go

At the moment, when thinking about how I felt during this, it feels almost as real as the day it happened.  It’s like I could pick up the phone & call these girls and ask them why?  If it wasn’t nearly 20 years later!

It got me thinking.  What is their experience of this memory?  What was going on for them to practice such cruel behavior?  Did they even consider their behavior?  There are different sides to every story.  If this is mine, what was/is theirs’?  Curious.

It is only now with my open perspective that I can see the full glass, as opposed to the narrow view I saw back then.  I still hold/held (moving into past tense) pain for the incident, I’m human, and this is my healing.  However there is always a greater perspective at play.  I may, or may not ever get to know it, but life can be funny that way.  Like puzzle pieces fitting together, sometime it might not fit together until a riper age of grace.

I see this puzzle piece as being a small part of the whole, in regards to my healing as a female.  I still get menstrual cramps, and have as long as I can remember.  I know that it is NOT NORMAL, yet society dictates that it is very normal for woman to get cramps.  I’m sorry – but I call Bull Shit!

Bull Shit to it being normal, that woman accept something as natural as the ebb and flow of nature, is painful!

Bull Shit to aches that land some woman bed ridden for days!

I call BULL SHIT!

I believe as women, we have lost of primal ways.  We have suppressed them SO deep within us, that we actually have no memory or connection to what they are anymore.

I believe that we suffer in aloneness, so fearful to show our vulnerability to other woman, for fear of judgement & rejection.

Yet I believe that each and everyone of us, feels a deep pain within us, that is yearning for expression, that is yearning to be heard & received by other woman.

I know I feel alone in mine.  There have been times that I have wailed into my pillow for humanity – the pain of it all. The pain of being a woman, the pain of feeling such emotions that cannot be explained.  The pain of not being understood by your mate – who looks at you baffled.

Why are we not tearing down these walls that separate us?  We sincerely have work to do.  To not only heal ourselves, but our generational lineage AND the planet – MOTHER EARTH herself!

WE have WORK WILD WOMAN!

And so we must address our deepest yearnings, our deepest emotions and raw selves.

WE must address our dreams, our memories, our aches and our pains.

We must hold our sisters as they divulge their truth, setting them & ourselves free from our shackles.

Many a goddess circle is arriving even online during these times.  There are so many opportunities for support if we are open, courageous & vulnerable to seek it.

I know that it is scary, god knows that I know.  But I’m tired of doing this on my own.  I’m ready for something new. I’m ready to love & to receive that same love.

I’m ready to let my guard down – so that you dear sister can see me, and I can see you.

 

 

Why do I cough and how to shift it

My life externally, is slowly beginning to change, and it is a result of me changing on the inside.

It has been a simple perspective shift that has allowed me to see my external environment differently.

I am finding that I have a deeper gratitude for what already exists.  I knew I needed to move closer towards this.  I could view it while I was in the chaos and destruction of change.  My head would remind me that I needed deeper gratitude.  I could see that I wasn’t giving thanks to all that I have present in my life.  I was merely looking at what I didn’t have, or what I wanted to change.

For example, Neil gives me pretty much anything I want.  I’m not a materialistic person by any means, so its not like I go shopping on his Credit Card.  But I know, if I want anything, I could ask him, and he’d almost give it to me.

He pays the mortgage, he pays the utilities, he pays for the greater percentage of food, all meals out, gas for the car I drive.  He pretty much covers it all.  And here’s me – saying – “I’m not happy”.  Whilst from the outside looking in, one can judge me to be spoilt, lucky, what do I have to be unhappy about, ‘hard done by – as Neil once said.  And yes, I would agree with you.  But it is also VERY important to not undermine, the importance of acknowledging how we feel, despite our environments.

Once upon a time, I had a female client when I was a Personal Trainer.  I viewed her as having the world.  She was a well educated psychologist.  Her husband was (is) a world renowned Author, earning money beyond what most would know, and she was well taken care of.  She owned a Mini Cooper, she shopped regularly at lululemon and other high end stores.  She practiced Yoga daily, had a wealth of friends and family, and basically lived this charmed life, by my judgement.  But little did I know, she wasn’t happy.  Some years later I learnt that tragically, she took her own life. She’d become depressed and felt she was a burden on her husband and those loved ones around her.

This story is a prime example of how we can so easily negate how we are feeling deep down, despite our personal life circumstances.

I believe one of the challenges of our time, is living in this materialistic world, where we are buying more and more things, to fill the void within us.  We pass our emotions off, saying #firstworldproblems, and compare what we have to Joe Bloggs down the road, reminding ourselves we have more than most.  Which may be true, but we fail to acknowledge that deep yearning within us, that needs our attention dearly.

Without our attention, we continue to fill our “god made hole with god knows what” – to quote my counselling teacher – Deborah Womack.

I have been listening to Dr Wayne Dyer speak all morning – and if you’re not aware of his teachings, best you introduce yourself to him.  Sadly he left his body last week, moving on to his next adventure – which he was very excited about.  He has left a legacy behind him, so you can still awaken your soul by listening and watching.  Wayne spent one year, practicing detachment.  Letting go of those material things in his life, that took him further away from himself.

He says “we enter this life with nothing, NoThing, and we leave with nothing, NoThing”.

Notice when we let go of our favorite possessions, food or other, how we might feel.  We can distract ourselves SO greatly by focusing on items outside of ourselves.

So to come back to what I was saying, I could distract myself by looking at my external situation; Neil supports my life, and pays for most of my expenses, and use my ego to make myself feel temporarily better, or I can acknowledge how I’m really feeling underlying this, and explore, what is the real reason I am unhappy?

This was the journey I chose to make.

I have been acknowledging my sadness, which turned into grief, which for me, has turned into a sore throat, and coughing at night.  When we don’t release our emotions completely,  they get trapped in our bodies, and we unconsciously chose to release them that way, ie – this cold I have created.

If we all began to turn our attention inwards, to that inner calling, those deep desires, the language of the soul, we would embark of the greatest journey to date.  We would connect with something greater than ourselves, and flow in our purpose of life, without effort, with grace & divinity.

It may start with a choice to detach from your addictions and material desires, it may start with a meditation practice.  However you choose to start.  Start.

No big things are created without one small step towards it.

Dr Wayne Dyer | why do I cough?