In Bali I reflect – “What am I doing with my life”?

In Bali I sit reflecting on, “what am I doing with my life?”  I am reminded of how much I LOVED being a trainer and how empowered I felt.  10 years on, how it affects today – I competed in the ANB – Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Competition.  I was at the pinnacle of my Fitness Career and loved working as a Personal Trainer in Sydney, Australia.

Today I recognize, along with my recent Canadian break-up, I have been affected, by seemingly having ‘failed’.  Whilst intellectually I know I haven’t, I have an installed fear within, that has prevented me from stepping forth, again, owning something that I WANT.  I WANT so much to feel this sense of joy & empowerment again, today I met my fear head on whilst speaking with my friend.  I witnessed my fear in committing to something I want, for fear of not being good enough, worthy enough, not my path, for maybe failing again, etc etc.

You see, I had it all mapped out 10 years ago.  I had a business partnership with another.  We signed a 3 year lease on a commercial property to create a Holistic Health Centre.  I was a successful trainer, and well on my way to graduating from my Diploma of Tranformational Coaching.  This was what I wanted!  I was 27 years old & I was doing what I loved!  The sky was the limit!

In October 2006 I went into competition & placed 4th in Women’s Short Figure.  It was a MASSIVE achievement!  My coach suggested I stick at it as my physic was perfect for competing.  Through this time, the relationship I was in ended and we parted ways.

Over the next duration of months, I continued to pour everything into my work and kept my training up, despite the next comp being another year away.  The turning point happened after my Coaching Module – VISION QUEST.  Where we undertake a sacred ceremony of entering into the bush from Dawn to Dusk – setting intentions for what we wish to let go of and welcome into our lives.  I came away from that weekend with my mind blown & my energetic senses high.  I’d gone down the rabbit hole & lost my way back out.

I entered depression for the next 2.5 years & as a result, everything I knew fell apart.  My PT Business died, the friends I knew, fell away.  I had high expenses based on my previous life & the mediocre jobs I was doing barely cut what was needed each week.  I became a recluse hermit.  My training faded and I lost who I thought I was.

I underwent therapy through this time & it was baby steps in the dark.  I didn’t know if I was moving forwards, backwards or even if I was moving at all?  Mostly I felt I wasn’t.  Eventually as I pulled through, my confidence was shattered, and I took whatever jobs I could to survive.  Personal Training felt so far from me, it was a distant object.

This was 2009/10, and ever since has been a gradual step forward.

Wrapido to Nature Care College.  Nature Care College to lululemon.  lululemon to Canada.  Canada to New Zealand.  New Zealand to Bali Silent Retreat.

Each role, each location, bringing me closer and closer to ME.  The real & authentic ME.   Each place, rich & full with life lessons & experiences not possible in a classroom.

Now, sitting here in Bali, after being ‘born’ from my 8 month Bali Womb, I sit and wonder what is next?  There is no backwards, there is no sideways, there is only forwards.  I am done being a paid employee, I am done being dictated with plans & someone else’s ‘to do’s’, I am done with being 2nd best!!!

NOW!

NOW!

I must step forward, I must face my fear of failure, I must feel it and step forward regardless.

I MUST.

I MUST.

After all, what is a life worth living if we haven’t truly lived?

I don’t know how to do this?  I don’t know how to start again?  I only know I have to.  I have to!

Anything less & I do my soul a severe injustice.

And so being my own guru is where this is at!

The only way forward is through.

It’s time to be my OWN GURU!

In Bali I sit asking - "what am I doing with my life?"

 

Canada vs Australia vs Bali and The Universal Plan

Summer is slowly on her way out, and Fall is beginning to make his way onto the scene.

It is almost without warning that the long hot days have disappeared, being replaced with continual rain & drizzle.

I feel ripped off!

All the Victorian Canadians are talking about what an awesome Summer it has been, and that we’ve been really lucky.

I don’t share their perspective.

I am grateful, don’t get me wrong.  But I have been spoilt.  Spoilt with the long HOT Summers that Sydney Australia knows too well, and I know full well the anticipation they are feeling right now as they enter their Spring – such enthusiasm to be shedding the brief warm layers they’ve worn over their short cool spell.

Can you tell I miss Australia?

I miss the land down under with its Meat Pies, Vegemite Sandwiches, continual hot hot Summers and warm crystal oceans.  Warm Oceans – now there’s a foreign concept to this side of the planet.  I was never a water baby, but now that that privilege has been removed from me this Summer, I suddenly want to be!

Memories and visions of Australia have been dancing through my minds eye this last week. Rising alongside of the grief I mentioned in my last blog post here.  I can’t tell what this all means.  Part of me thinks I am grieving, letting go of the attachment I have to such a rich sun drenched land.  The other part wonders if this is a sign that I should return?

I know that I am undertaking a new beginning in my life right now.  I know that I am ready to make a home and prepare for work that I need to do in the world.  But right now, the only home that I know is the one within.  The one that I have been fighting to come back to, stronger and stronger everyday, since I embarked on my inner journey in 2005.  Some 10 years ago.

This isn’t a bad thing, don’t get me wrong.  In fact its a fantastic thing!  To know that within you is your home, what can really compare to that?  To feel comfortable in your own skin, wherever you go.  Much like a snail with its house on its back, so are we, with our homes in our hearts.  It seems the further and further we are from ourselves, the more we accumulate in our environments, and the closer and more connected we are to our hearts, the less we need in our environments.

Imagine if we all came from our hearts – how different the world would be.  Not just from a materialistic viewpoint, but literally living from our hearts – being guided by that which knows our path, each and every moment, of every day.

See this is the thing.  My content.  My story that I am sharing to you, really doesn’t matter.  Its simply that, a story. One that my head, my ego has created to entertain my mind, to give it something to do, because if it doesn’t have something to do, then what is there?  Space.  Big ole SPACE.  Space for the Universe to drop right on in with greater insights and meaning than the mind can fathom.

I love reminding myself of this truth.  As it reminds me that there is something far bigger than what we think we are doing.  It reminds me that I am supported beyond measure, that there is a grand plan for me, and if I can just step out of the way, I will be shown this plan, step by step.

I have these words within my meditation shrine;

“What you can plan is to small for you to live”

It reminds me there are far greater things that I am destined for, things that I cannot even fathom!  Which is so freaken exciting!

And so my story, the one that I began writing previously to these words, reads;
“I feel split between being in Canada where my cute boy is, setting up our home & creating a family & life.  Returning to Sydney where I know the sand is warm, golden & the blue skies go on for days.  Travelling to Bali to embark on a type of quest, jump off the metaphorical cliff, and begin to make tracks in the direction of the horizon.  All are beautiful options, and all intrigue and excite me.  Is it possible to have my cake and eat it too?  I am discovering that this is true and absolutely possible, however right now, I feel this split.”

This is my story.  The story my head is filling itself with.  The distraction from the space within that is ready, receptive to its next command from the grand Universe.  I love words.  I love stories.  They are interesting.  They are life.  But when there is work to do, a purpose, the command becomes a greater excitement, fulfillment than the stories we create, share and elaborate on.

Manly Beach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In case you were wondering what answer landed in the space…

BALI!  Here I come…

what am I doing with my life?

It’s now been just over 3 weeks since I left Australia.  I have well & truly landed in Canadia town…

My head has been an array of thoughts, creating confusion, I have been trying to figure it all out, but you know what I’ve learnt.  I can’t.  I can’t figure shit out.  I just have to let it be, it is what it is.

And this is one of the reasons, I think I caught myself a cold.  For 3 days now, I’ve been full up of a running nose, headaches, tickly throat, and today, add coughing into the mix.

This has been such a huge transition, I think I needed to get out of my own way and let it be.

What I have been processing is that all that I knew is now in the past.  Any and all routines are gone, any friends I saw regularly, gone.  The routine of work now complete.  The co-workers, familiar faces, no more.  The networks, the communities, hobbies I connected with, no more. Everything is in the past.  The canvas is blank, awaiting my next brush stroke.  What do I want that to be?  Do I want it to look the same as before?  Or am I ready for something different?  To embrace the new that I’ve been growing into?

I’m just now back from a walk, isn’t walking great – I think it allows an opportunity for new insights to drop in, for things to get clear..  What occurred to me, I spent MONTHS preparing for my departure from OZ, and now that I’m here, all that energetic preparation needs to root itself right?!  As if I can just keep on keeping on once I landed here in Canada.  The momentum of my energy needed to change, no longer preparing to leave, changing to grounding and rooting a new foundation.  Bali was just a break, a holiday from the preparing.

Landing into a new country, semi new relationship, the new energies of that relationship, moving in together/sharing a room/bed/home, new area, new climate, new culture…  Any wonder I feel the way that I do.

One can’t think their way through a change like this…

While I’ve been dancing my way through the above, intertwined in there also, is the million dollar questions of “what am I doing to do with my life!?”  I have followed my heart, and moved to another country, on the opposite side of the world, now what?  The funny thing is, I don’t feel like doing anything.  I don’t feel like joining the masses, into the work force.  Into that false sense of security, joining society, pretending that I’m happy, that I want to live my life this way.  In Bali, magical Bali, I really aligned to a new way of being.  Of how disconnected we have become from the earth.  Since when was it ok to rape the planet of food & resources and not give back to it?  Since when was it ok to not understand the cycles of life & to carry out living as if what was really going on doesn’t matter.

My dear friend Simon, who is the Chef at Bali Silent Retreat – the retreat I stayed at for 2 weeks, is very passionate about using food that is grown local, that supports the locals and what is taken, is given back.  Since my stay in Bali, I find myself now looking at the labels with even more scrutiny than I ever did.  Looking at where each product has come from.  Was it imported, or is it local.  If it’s not local, I don’t want to know about it.  Do you know what of your favorite foods have been imported???  It really puts things into a different perspective.  To consider that foods journey to your side of the world.  What labor went into it’s production, what fuel resources were used to get it to you.  What the cost of this food is to you, vs the locals who have lived on it for centuries.  Take this Quinoa seed story for example.

Simons Land

(This image is of Simons’ land in Bali at Bali Silent Retreat.  It is rich & full of unique structures that support the growth and production of food, the land, the community.  It maintains a cycle that will continue to support all, without one benefiting over the other.  It is simply magic to behold.)

I now no longer want to be a part of the problem, I want to be a part of the solution, so I don’t see how I can continue to plug myself back into the system, the matrix if you will, and continue to pretend that I don’t know, to not take personal responsibility.  Because to continue pretending that I don’t know is now no longer an option.  I am a self responsible individual, I am here to make a difference, to be a part of the solution.

So once I’ve done landing my energy here in this beautiful Northern Hemisphere, and I feel ready to do what it is that I’m meant to be doing on this earth, I wonder where my spirit will guide me?

Watch this space….