Bali Visa Musings – having no agenda for change

While sitting in the Immigration Office in Bali, I was contemplating how much change my life has undergone, is such a short space of time.  Living within a Silent Retreat has brought me back to simplicity & the heart of what really matters in life.

I now see the many many distractions we create in life to avoid the very things that matter most to us.

For me, there is now no where to run, no where to hide, but face the pressing iceberg that lays in front.

My creativity & mark in the world is forefront.

I witness the talk, the wanting to make a better world, to impact people near & far.

I have had to learn to be humbled in its process, to loose my agenda for what I want.

I have had to let go & surrender to hard untruths in a bid to dissolve them.

I’ve had to fall into a puddle in the floor to come back stronger & continue step by step, again without agenda, but to dance in enjoyment of that moment, because this is all there is. An agenda is an idea, attached to ego.

When the ego fails, we feel we have failed & so a death cycles begins.

Not to avoid death cycles, but to really live in flow as nature intended is the truth. The only truth.

Having all rugs pulled from underneath, all safety harnesses removed, no life raft near is the only way. A singular leaf blowing in the wind, landing where it will, when it will, is, natures way.

And so, I am but another leaf, a piece of Earth, a part of Earth, aiming not to try to be anywhere but here.

It is an interesting way to live.

Trusting in life to provide in each & every moment. As this is only where life is. Not tomorrow, not yesterday.

Each moment I choose what tasks fulfill me, what nurtures me & what supports all. It is only within this balance of viewing all that I can be available to think far & wide, beyond my ‘I’ in the world.

Talking about doing things is no longer an option. We have a responsibility to uphold. Sitting behind Facebook sharing painful truths is not going to be the change. It is one step to awakening the masses perhaps, but it is only being in action that will make the change.

Today I propose to play a part in the reduction of reducing plastic usage in Bali. To help educate the Balinese people that their plastic rubbish contributes towards ocean pollution & sea life death.

This is an agenda yes. But in voicing it, I can let it go, and carry on taking action steps. Little by little, in a bid to align to the Earths intention for balance & harmony.

These words as I sit in at the Immigration Office in Bali.

no agenda for change, living in bali

Pt 1 – How do I change my thoughts?

Are you aware of all the different thoughts babbling away in your head?

One telling you NOT to eat that block of chocolate.
Another telling you to get out, exercise more.
What about the one that makes you feel guilty whenever you choose something loving or nurturing for yourself.

What are all these thoughts there for?

Most of us go about with these background thoughts playing.  We may, or may not choose to look at them and hear what they’re saying. Most of the time people don’t because, well, who really wants to listen to someone berating us for doing something that we want, or don’t want to do, ex – chocolate/exercise.

The internet is filled with motivational quotes – inspirational images of pretty girls with hot bodies & fashionable vibrant exercise wear – promoting ‘Just do it’. Our Egos are being stimulated to focus on reaching our goals.

Set your goals + chase them + achieve them = happiness!

But does it?

Once you have worked for that hot body like your Instagram feed pics, your green smoothie recipe is on par with your latest Vegan sista’s blog – have you really reached true happiness?

It is really easy to think we have, because we have joined the mass health movement and are following the trend of what is hip & cool.

I’ve been there & I know how good it can feel, and it does feel good.  But how healthy is your mind?  How healthy are your thoughts circling around that styled sexy mop of yours?

How many times did you take selfies before you felt confident enough to share it because it caught your best look?

We have made it into this era where it all looks great from here.  We’re all aware of healthy eating.
Eating locally raised/Organic produce
Eating balanced Protein/Fat/Carb type meals – eating optimally for health & energy requirements
Moving our bodies regularly
Taking selfies or getting friends to take our photo while we pose our mastered Asana.
Taking pics of nature & how we enjoy spending our non working time.

I love it – it IS beautiful to behold, and being aware of this wave of health conscious individuals.

BUT – what I really want to know is, how are your THOUGHTS?

What is going on underneath your tanned athletic complexion, regular Yoga/HIIT classes, green power smoothies, and motivational insta quotes?

Are you keeping up with the trend because it is such?  Or are these actions truly aligned with your inner self?  There is no right or wrong answer, however your answer could dictate the inner workings of your mind.

Back in my 20’s I kept up with the best of them.  Churning through my daily workouts, eating clean and every 3-4 hours.  My routine was near flawless.  I was fit, lean, energetic & felt like I was in control.

My Ego on the other hand, was not.  I was driven to run from the truth of how I really felt about myself.  My subconscious patterning and beliefs.
“you’re not good enough, you’re not pretty enough, you don’t have enough, you’re not lean enough, you’re not doing enough, you’re different to everyone else…”

These very beliefs created the gym junkie persona that I identified with.  I thought that that ‘healthy gym goer WAS who I was!

It was only when I started to acknowledge these inner thoughts that my life started to slowly change.  I didn’t know it at the time, but it wasn’t possible for me to maintain who I was showing up in the world as, and live by these old beliefs that were fueling that behavior.  A new reality was being created. One that would see me feeling good inside AND out.

It may well be possible to live a life where you look good on the outside whilst juggling these self depreciating thoughts, but from memory – I didn’t enjoy it to much, and it is likely that there is polar opposite behaviour playing out because of these very same thoughts.  It might show up in the form of;
– weekend party girl/binge drinker
– binge eater
– bulimic
– workaholic
– promiscuity
– substance addiction
– addiction to being busy
– fear of being on your own
+ a world of other examples.

You may think that one balances the other.

You may also want to change this, but haven’t known how or where to start.

You are tired of this balance.

Tired of the hangovers, the inner guilt trips, the digestive problems and/or disorders…. You have IBS, Constipation, Gluten Intolerant, Celiac, numerable food allergies.

So back to those thoughts of yours.  What do you do?

Start by acknowledging them.  Give them your awareness.

Each time you hear a self depreciating thought – acknowledge it by saying Hello, I Hear You. I Love You then let it go.

Hello.  I Hear You.  I Love You.  Every time you hear anything negative said towards yourself from yourself.  Hello.  I Hear You.  I Love You.

Practice this small significant action for the next few days.

Let me know how you go in the comments below or reach out here.

how do I change my thoughts
2006 – Me just prior to my Body Building Competition