8 Month Womb of Bali Love

These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection.  It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.

Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation.  Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to.  I’m Heidi – I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path.  This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.

I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.

It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period.  Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward.  After all, doesn’t it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life?  Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action.  Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties.  Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe.  “Il dolce far niente.”

I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly.  After all, as the saying goes “we get what we need, not what we want.”

I’ve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life – making a living – in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali.  It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‘in control’ of such simple matters.  However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on.  I have been gifted a break from the rat race.  An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.

Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali.  An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective.  To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble.  A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed.  Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, “what am I doing with my life!”

Feeling unbiased either way upon my return – should I stay, should I go – I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed – I felt freer.  But direction & purpose were still no more clearer.   Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I’d hoped options would become clear to me.  This wasn’t to be the case.  Foggier and foggier I became.  I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force.  Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear.  I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.

That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy.  Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished.  I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online.  I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins.  I started watching it out of curiosity.  He’s been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him.  However he has a movie set for release shortly titled “I am not your Guru”, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept.  I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.

Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like “how to control your emotions” thinking, this will be interesting.  I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he’s talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.

I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something.  I get this.  We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message.  I get this also.  What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 – Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 – Take action preceding the situation.

Watch the mentioned Tony Robbin’s Video here

 

I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed.  For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness.  So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth.  Allowing it to be what is.  It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine.  Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity – having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age?  Perhaps making up for lost time, I don’t know?

This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked “what do I do next?”  I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration.  A clear indication around what action I needed to take.  Up until recently, I’ve been getting nadda.  This morning what came through was a message – “back yourself.”

What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control.  I am in charge of what I want to create.  I looked at why I am feeling this way.  I got really honest with myself.  I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously.  So what was my resistance?

I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone.  That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be.  I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself.  I was my own boss.  I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!

This memory reminded me that I can do that again!

I needed to internally choose.  I needed to step up, to back myself.  To choose that I want to work for myself.  To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here.  Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards.  I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now.  Now is the time to do.

As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout.  I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them.  I was my own Personal Trainer.  Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.

This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session!  Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good.  In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.

There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being.  We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment.  It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.

womb of bali love

 

living in Bali | facing myself

This living in Bali business really invites facing myself in a brutally honest way.
It has to be one of my most challenging rides to date.  I think I consider leaving Bali almost daily.

It feels like the mask that once so craftily created, to hide an insecurity, is slowly peeled back or being dissolved.  I am coming face to face with emotions real.  Connected to old embedded thoughts that remind me of the young girl I once knew so well.  The hopeless teenager who felt so down on herself she cried everyday after school.  The young girl who was so self conscious she accepted that boys were attracted to her friends and not her.  As her friends attended parties with said boys, it hurt her to not be invited, yet she never said a word.

These fundamental years shaped me.  They set the tone, my blueprint for what I believe of myself.

Of course ADULT HEIDI understands better these days.  But the reality is that she doesn’t always run the show.  My self worth is in review at the present moment, and Adult Heidi has stepped to the side, holding space for this younger self to be seen.  It ain’t comfortable.  It’s not particularly enjoyable.  But it’s real.  It takes courage to meet yourself with your wounds exposed.  But here I am.  I am here because I want something different for myself.  I don’t want to under value myself anymore.

I want to truly experience the Woman I want to be in the world.  I don’t want to feel an achy heart for something I long for.  I want to vibrate at such a frequency and know I already have love.  I don’t want to feel a sense of unworthiness or shame at the thought of supporting others through their dark moments and personal journey.  I don’t want to feel like my contribution in the world doesn’t matter or isn’t worth a worthy exchange that allows me to enjoy the fruits of life.  I want to feel that I know I HAVE these.  That I don’t feel a lack.  A yearning.  A wanting.  I want to feel the sense of satisfaction that is available from having made a difference.

I know to well the heart ache of our planet and its people right now and I don’t know where to start?  I really don’t. This image conjures – me yelling at others “pick up your trash”, like a teacher on duty during interval at school.

Peoples naivety hurts my heart!  Why can they not see?  Not understand the results of their actions?  Their in-actions?!  Where do I start?  How do I matter AND live an enjoyable life meeting my needs?  From here, where to?

The solution from my mind is not clear.  I don’t think I can pull myself out of, something my mind created.  The false lies.  My false sense of self (worth).  This is not who I am.  It is a tee-taw established during childhood, one I believed.  They are merely thoughts.  The only way through is to face myself.

SELF DIAGNOSED PRESCRIPTION

What can one do with a thought?  One can change it.
What invested interest do I have in believing I am not worthy?  I have NONE!
This false belief does NOT serve ME!
It doesn’t make me happy!
It doesn’t allow me to thrive!
It makes me feel shit.
So, why do I hold onto it?  Because it’s all I’ve known.
Am I ready to let it go?  YES!!
And so, what is its replacement?

I AM LOVED…

facing myself

 

Bali Visa Musings – having no agenda for change

While sitting in the Immigration Office in Bali, I was contemplating how much change my life has undergone, is such a short space of time.  Living within a Silent Retreat has brought me back to simplicity & the heart of what really matters in life.

I now see the many many distractions we create in life to avoid the very things that matter most to us.

For me, there is now no where to run, no where to hide, but face the pressing iceberg that lays in front.

My creativity & mark in the world is forefront.

I witness the talk, the wanting to make a better world, to impact people near & far.

I have had to learn to be humbled in its process, to loose my agenda for what I want.

I have had to let go & surrender to hard untruths in a bid to dissolve them.

I’ve had to fall into a puddle in the floor to come back stronger & continue step by step, again without agenda, but to dance in enjoyment of that moment, because this is all there is. An agenda is an idea, attached to ego.

When the ego fails, we feel we have failed & so a death cycles begins.

Not to avoid death cycles, but to really live in flow as nature intended is the truth. The only truth.

Having all rugs pulled from underneath, all safety harnesses removed, no life raft near is the only way. A singular leaf blowing in the wind, landing where it will, when it will, is, natures way.

And so, I am but another leaf, a piece of Earth, a part of Earth, aiming not to try to be anywhere but here.

It is an interesting way to live.

Trusting in life to provide in each & every moment. As this is only where life is. Not tomorrow, not yesterday.

Each moment I choose what tasks fulfill me, what nurtures me & what supports all. It is only within this balance of viewing all that I can be available to think far & wide, beyond my ‘I’ in the world.

Talking about doing things is no longer an option. We have a responsibility to uphold. Sitting behind Facebook sharing painful truths is not going to be the change. It is one step to awakening the masses perhaps, but it is only being in action that will make the change.

Today I propose to play a part in the reduction of reducing plastic usage in Bali. To help educate the Balinese people that their plastic rubbish contributes towards ocean pollution & sea life death.

This is an agenda yes. But in voicing it, I can let it go, and carry on taking action steps. Little by little, in a bid to align to the Earths intention for balance & harmony.

These words as I sit in at the Immigration Office in Bali.

no agenda for change, living in bali