Canada vs Australia vs Bali and The Universal Plan

Summer is slowly on her way out, and Fall is beginning to make his way onto the scene.

It is almost without warning that the long hot days have disappeared, being replaced with continual rain & drizzle.

I feel ripped off!

All the Victorian Canadians are talking about what an awesome Summer it has been, and that we’ve been really lucky.

I don’t share their perspective.

I am grateful, don’t get me wrong.  But I have been spoilt.  Spoilt with the long HOT Summers that Sydney Australia knows too well, and I know full well the anticipation they are feeling right now as they enter their Spring – such enthusiasm to be shedding the brief warm layers they’ve worn over their short cool spell.

Can you tell I miss Australia?

I miss the land down under with its Meat Pies, Vegemite Sandwiches, continual hot hot Summers and warm crystal oceans.  Warm Oceans – now there’s a foreign concept to this side of the planet.  I was never a water baby, but now that that privilege has been removed from me this Summer, I suddenly want to be!

Memories and visions of Australia have been dancing through my minds eye this last week. Rising alongside of the grief I mentioned in my last blog post here.  I can’t tell what this all means.  Part of me thinks I am grieving, letting go of the attachment I have to such a rich sun drenched land.  The other part wonders if this is a sign that I should return?

I know that I am undertaking a new beginning in my life right now.  I know that I am ready to make a home and prepare for work that I need to do in the world.  But right now, the only home that I know is the one within.  The one that I have been fighting to come back to, stronger and stronger everyday, since I embarked on my inner journey in 2005.  Some 10 years ago.

This isn’t a bad thing, don’t get me wrong.  In fact its a fantastic thing!  To know that within you is your home, what can really compare to that?  To feel comfortable in your own skin, wherever you go.  Much like a snail with its house on its back, so are we, with our homes in our hearts.  It seems the further and further we are from ourselves, the more we accumulate in our environments, and the closer and more connected we are to our hearts, the less we need in our environments.

Imagine if we all came from our hearts – how different the world would be.  Not just from a materialistic viewpoint, but literally living from our hearts – being guided by that which knows our path, each and every moment, of every day.

See this is the thing.  My content.  My story that I am sharing to you, really doesn’t matter.  Its simply that, a story. One that my head, my ego has created to entertain my mind, to give it something to do, because if it doesn’t have something to do, then what is there?  Space.  Big ole SPACE.  Space for the Universe to drop right on in with greater insights and meaning than the mind can fathom.

I love reminding myself of this truth.  As it reminds me that there is something far bigger than what we think we are doing.  It reminds me that I am supported beyond measure, that there is a grand plan for me, and if I can just step out of the way, I will be shown this plan, step by step.

I have these words within my meditation shrine;

“What you can plan is to small for you to live”

It reminds me there are far greater things that I am destined for, things that I cannot even fathom!  Which is so freaken exciting!

And so my story, the one that I began writing previously to these words, reads;
“I feel split between being in Canada where my cute boy is, setting up our home & creating a family & life.  Returning to Sydney where I know the sand is warm, golden & the blue skies go on for days.  Travelling to Bali to embark on a type of quest, jump off the metaphorical cliff, and begin to make tracks in the direction of the horizon.  All are beautiful options, and all intrigue and excite me.  Is it possible to have my cake and eat it too?  I am discovering that this is true and absolutely possible, however right now, I feel this split.”

This is my story.  The story my head is filling itself with.  The distraction from the space within that is ready, receptive to its next command from the grand Universe.  I love words.  I love stories.  They are interesting.  They are life.  But when there is work to do, a purpose, the command becomes a greater excitement, fulfillment than the stories we create, share and elaborate on.

Manly Beach








In case you were wondering what answer landed in the space…

BALI!  Here I come…

Want to see a preview of me before TRANSFORMATION?

Today I decided to start my own 30 Day Vlog Challenge

I want to overcome my own judgments of myself

– share how I live
– gain a greater reach
– practice my speaking
– share my weirdness

– share my knowledge & wisdom
– inspire greater health
– reach people who need what I’m sharing

– my judgement of how I look
– needing to be perfect
– my image
– repetitive ‘ya knows’ & ‘ums’

– greater speaking clarity
– speak succinctly
– share whats on my mind
– bring out more of my personality
– confidence speaking on video
– allow spirit to speak

Pt 3 – how to get the life you want

Here is your third and final installment to this small blog series.

The Transformation

Its now been about a week or so that you’ve been practicing your new mantra, and observing the changes in your thoughts and your breathing.

I bet your whole world is beginning to open up.  You’re seeing new opportunities, feeling new experiences, witnessing synchronicity that you may have previously missed.  I LOVE synchronicity!

A shift has occurred and there is new possibility available to you right now!

What a wonderful new space to be in!

Embrace this.  It is time to give yourself a pat on the back for the work that you committed too.

As human beings, we’re to quick onto our next project, thought or shiny goal to chase.

Before you head off and start chasing that, I invite you to really embrace this new space that you have moved into.

Its time to celebrate!

Set aside some time for yourself.  I’d recommend at least 30 minutes.

Close your eyes.
Tune into all the wonder that you are witness to within your body.
The feelings, experiences, new ideas.
Feel these sensations within your body.
Observe where you feel it & continue to focus your attention on this space within.
Without agenda, continue to watch what happens within your body.
Give yourself as much time as you need here, until your eyes naturally open & there is a sense of completeness.

get the life you want
My Gratitude Diary I bought for myself

Now, write or draw your observations of this reflective experience.

To extend this experience further, share this piece with a close friend, partner or loved one.

Give yourself permission to relish in your transformation.

To really seal this change & honor this transition, choose something that you love & book this event into your diary.

I personally love to receive massages, buy flowers for the home, take myself out for breakfast or lunch, buy a delicious nutritious food item for my smoothie or raw treats, or give myself an afternoon to play in nature.

Whatever you choose, make it something that continues to make your heart sing.

I am SO proud of you courageous one!

I would LOVE to hear about your experience and how you chose to celebrate your transformation in the comments.

LOVE xox

Pt 2 – how to get the life you want

Welcome back.

It’s now been a few days that you’ve been practicing the mantra, Hello.  I Hear You.  I Love You, from Pt 1 of my blog here.

You will have noticed that after practicing it for a while, you’ve moved into a space where you are beginning to question the truth of these thoughts.

You might now be asking, “where did this belief come from?  Do I really believe this about myself?”

Chances are you’re beginning to open up a dialogue with yourself around the worthiness of these thoughts – and that’s PERFECT!

You are moving into a place of choice.

You have established awareness around what thoughts you can choose to think.

You can choose to think negatively of yourself, OR you can now chose to CREATE a NEW belief that’s inspired and positive!

I am not enough, turns into I AM enough!
I am not good enough, turns into I AM good enough.
See what we’ve done there?  Flipped it on its head!

It is in the place of awareness we can create change.  AWARENESS = CHANGE = TRANSFORMATION

Now when you hear your old belief, practice inserting your new one.

For the next few days practice your mantra whenever you can.

I AM ENOUGH.  I AM ENOUGH.  I AM ENOUGH.get the life you want

I use this example of enough-ness as, as I shared with you in Pt 1, this used to be my old belief system that I operated by.

My workouts were fueled by it, my Party nights were subconsciously fueled it.  The Body Building Competition I competed in was absolutely fueled by it!

It takes dedication & practice to chose to change your thoughts, but you CAN DO IT!

Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself the space you need to notice how you feel around this belief shift.  You are changing something on a cellular level, something that has been embedded within you for some time.  Remember how I shared the connection of this old belief with your digestive system and the potential issues or imbalances you might experience?  Well, remember this belief change will be shifting all the way down into your physical system.

What you may feel at first as you change your beliefs;

– It is normal to insert your new belief, and re-hear your old programming speak back.  Continue repeating your new belief.
–  You may notice your breath change as you allow the shift.  Notice any sighing, even yawning – allow these – in fact – welcome these energy shifts.
– If you need to cry, CRY girlfriend, if you feel frustrated, allow it.  If there’s anger, journal, express it!  Allow whatever emotions are surfacing, to surface.

Tools you can use through this process;

– Continue repeating your new belief.
– Give yourself space to observe your emotions & changing breath.  Have some quiet time at home, on your own, and if that’s not possible, head out into Nature, sit next to a tree, and feel it’s strong grounded energies support you to let go of the pain that you’ve been holding onto to.
– Write/Journal, get out in Nature, talk to a friend, move your body – Yoga/Tai Chi/Chi Gong/Walking…

It’s time to let go of the old, to welcome in the new.

Back when I was taking myself through this process, I used to cry my eyes out!  I spent evenings laying on the floor in a mess, my diaries were filled with words that circled my mind, and my bedroom was a mass of artwork that was an expression of my inner changes.

Do whatever you need to, and remember, I am here if you need support.  Drop me a message in the comments to let me know how you’re going.

Sending unconditional love & hugs to you dear one.  xo

Stay tuned for Pt 3 – the Transformation.

I nearly died. No really, I did!!!

I just read some sad news on Facebook this evening, where it triggered a recent experience I feel I need to write about again.

When we loose someone dear to us in life, it can bring up a stack of questions that often we don’t know how to answer.

learning from near death experiences

What for?
What are we here for?
What’s it all about?

The topic of Death can be an uncomfortable one, especially if it’s not something we have chosen to explore at this point.

When I was a little kid, I remember Mum explaining the basic physicality of Death.

You die, you get buried in a coffin in the ground, that’s it.

For many many nights after that, I’d go to bed, and try to wrap my head around the thought of, you die & that it is.  That is it!

I just couldn’t fathom that thought!  It made absolutely no sense to me!  How could we be here, for one life and then POOF, we’re gone, that’s it?!

I guess this is where my quest for the truth began, at this young age.

I believe that we intuitively know what we are here for, but it’s whether or not we’re tuned into that inner knowing, and trusting its truth, that determines our faith in life.

I feel that I have known this truth since my personal development journey began around 10 years ago, so I guess this is what prepared me for the experience I had a few weeks ago.

They say that until you’ve faced what it means to die, can you really get comfortable with living.

How many are so afraid of dying?
Have you pondered your death?
Do you know how you want to die?
Who will be around you?
What legacy do you plan on leaving behind?
Will you need support in your transition?
Will you be at home, a hospital, a nursing home?

Are these questions super confronting, or can you answer them with ease?

For now, what I have been reflecting on over the last few weeks is my own confrontation with my mortality.

I have been somewhat reluctant to write about this, as it has the potential for grand discussion & question – I guess this topic is unavoidable of that, but one that something we all will face one day.

The main message I want to share, is that Death is not something to be feared at all.

How can I say that with such self assertiveness?

I experienced it, just a few weeks ago.

I felt my moment arive and it felt so perfect.

It was MY moment.

Where everything in my life had majestically orchestrated to the arrival of MY moment, it was time to leave my body.

I saw life, and I understood her completely.

It was blissful.  Magical.  Beyond words.

I was one with EVERYTHING, and life was but a school of adventures, and lessons that I had been sent to to learn.

I felt energy leave my body, as I surrendered to my life and leaving it.  I was ready to go, I was experiencing my last breath, about to cross the threshold.

There was no sadness, only perfection as it was all part of the divine plan.

But, life slowly returned to my lifeless body, as my soul was connected to Neil’s and it wasn’t ready to leave his behind.  Bless his soul.

Our souls spoke softly, peacefully, energetically in the language of love, the soul language.

It was an experience that I will never forget.

And as it happened, it continues to unfold it’s lessons on me.

The gift of life that we have been blessed with to experience as energetic beings!

As energetic beings, in our pure state unbound by physicality, all we know is LOVE.

And so to experience ourselves fully, we are blessed to have this human experience to learn of our complexities and diverseness, the polarities of every spectrum.


Or as Nahko sings;
“If you knew what for you were for, and how you became so informed, bodies of info performing such miracles, I am a miracle made up of particles. And in this existence. I’ll stay persistent, and I’ll make a difference, and I will have lived it.”

And so the point I wish to make is;
Remember who you are!
Remember why you are here!
Embrace your LIFE.
Grab it wholeheartedly with every ounce of your being!
Be it with great sadness!
Be it with with great joy!
Choose to experience it full and with your heart wide open, because a life half lived, is not a life lived at all.
Do not die with the joy still in you.
Let it flow NOW!

There are so many angles to this story that I could share, and yet, I’m not sure I can find all the words in this moment to do so.  I think it will be a constant unfolding of insights for me.  Maybe later blogs to share?

I wish for you, that when your moment arrives, that you know you have lived with every ounce of your being, that the moment feels perfect, and you know you have made a difference to your soul and the lives of those around you.

Chose to be here now.  Absolutely, and fully – because we are the miracle of life.


(Whilst it’s kinda selfish for me to assume you to automatically learn my words and make them your mantra, what I really wish for more so than ever, is to invoke curiosity in you.  Explore, enquire & self reflect on your life & purpose.  You will find your own resources and guidance that will lead you to your own answers.)


My near death experience, yup… I nearly died… literally

Well well well…

I am just on the slippery slide out of the weekend that was…

It was mind bending & altering to say the least.

And it’s like, in hind-sight, I somehow asked for it.

I have been ready for a while now, to see something new, to somehow be awoken into a new amazingness of life, that perhaps I felt like I wasn’t getting.

Which is weird, because I consider myself a highly grateful being.  But a few things perhaps just weren’t matching up?

On Saturday, Neil & I somehow decided that we would get stoned at home & have a old ole laugh.

I’d mentioned to him previously that I was interested in doing this, but only with him.  A couple of his friends smoke, and when we’re out n about with them at their house, I have felt a sense of curiosity, but seeing my history with Pot, wasn’t feeling to brave to jump in with a bunch of people.

So we’d had a lovely day together, and roll around dinner time, knew we needed food, so decided to do a big shop & possibly buy some pot.

There is a ‘shop’ in Victoria which allows individuals to buy what they need for medicinal purposes.  So we headed down and like two teenagers, we oggled at the display and what we wanted.  We decided on a brownie & some other varieties of grass.

We were pretty excited, but equally I was expressing a few concerns I was having about it.  Neil reminded me to keep an open mind and to not head into it with fear based thoughts – which made sense.  I shared my concerns, we came to a conclusion & then basically let go & moved on.

Once home we quickly halved the brownie & deliciously sucked on the chocolaty goodness.

It felt like only a matter of say 15-20 minutes where I began to feel my consciousness shift.  I was deep into reading a Facebook post of a friends, & decided to reply…. It was mid reply I realized I didn’t know what I was writing anymore, and if it was even making sense.  I cut the comment & saved it into Notes on my phone just before giving up.

I moved into the kitchen to join Neil where I shared that I was beginning to feel its effects.  During this time we talked, laughed & joked around with how we were feeling.  Suddenly cooking our planned Nacho’s seemed like the most difficult thing in the world to do!  My only task was to cook the chicken, and I simply couldn’t remember how to do that.  Neil was in fits laughing at me, and I was laughing as I couldn’t work out why everything was suddenly so hard.

The music in the background was blaring and extremely incoducive to productivity – so we decided to change it to Edo & Jo.  Neil was having a hard time trying to find the CD, so called me in to do it.  As I was putting it on, instantly I felt an energy drop into my energy.
I had shared with Neil previously, my concerns about this happening, and this is where we suggested keeping an open positive mindset.  This experience just blew me.  During ‘normal’ daily routines I set up energy protection, I clear my chakras & aura, I complete energy clearing around the home.  But I have NEVER felt anything so prominant as the actual energy entering my through my head.  I said to Neil immediately – something just dropped in & I have to clear it!  He was really supportive and asked me what I needed & was there with me.  I ran upstairs and grabbed my smudge stick and started waving it about like a lunatic.  As I mentioned, I usually do this sort of thing, but to actually FEEL the reality & truth of how this happens on a level so unmistakabe was mind blowing!  I was attempting to explain what I felt to Neil, but felt like a goof as I was already loosing my mind.

I did what I ‘thought’ was a clearing, but when I joined Neil in the kitchen a few minutes later, I could feel that I hadn’t completely cleared the energy.  My crown felt wide open and I could feel a real heaviness in my step, like something was trying to pull me down.

I excused myself to Neil, saying I wanted to complete my clearing.  So sat down in the lounge listening to Edo & Jo and began clearing the energy around my head.  Suddenly everything changed.  I feel like the veil between the illusion of this world & the real world – the spirit world opened up. I saw how energy is all around us, not separate to, but one.  I saw Spirit there with us.  All the text we hear in Yoga, read on social media, in Spiritual teachings, it was all true in that moment.  One that sprang to my mind was, “you have no idea how supported you are!”  It was TRUE.  It is TRUE.  Edo & Jo were singing, and it was the Angels singing.  It was every Angel singing.  They were talking to me.  They are singing to us. In every message, it is being delivered by them.  In this divine moment of unveiling, I saw it all.  I understood LIFE!  I let go in absolute tears of gratitude & understanding.  I was blessing this awakening, I was crying, and I was continuously placing hands of prayer from universal source to crown, to third eye, to heart and repeating, over and over and over.  I could see.  I understood.  I now understood why we place our hands at heart center.  It all made so much sense!

Beautiful Neil was now lying on the couch next to me, holding me as I was opening to this unbelievable experience.  He had originally thought that I was having a meltdown, but I was attempting to explain to him that I now understood life.  How do you do that?  He understood – I had opened to the Oneness of Life.

My mind was blown… Was this something that I had been missing out on?  Was this something that everyone knew, but me?  Was this the reason why my life hadn’t taken off yet?  Because I hadn’t experienced this truth?  All these questions and more were now heading through my mind.  I could now see the truth.  I could see the truth in everything!

I joined Neil back in the kitchen after some time, with my newly expanded mind.  Truth.  I heard my mind say – look at the truth of your relationship.  Notice how Neil is with you.  I could see Neil.  I could see his nervous anxious energy around me, and I saw it for what it really was.  He is SO into me, that he is scared to be himself around me.  He dances around like a nervous ant, saying lovely things to woo me, to make sure that I’m seeing how wonderful he is, hiding himself from me for fear of me not accepting him as he really is.  I saw this, in it’s entirety playing out.  Each time, he said or did something, just confirmed the truth I saw even more.  I got scared.  Everything I thought to be true about our love, wasn’t the way I thought it was.  I could feel his fear around connecting with me.  I could see his fear.

This was too much.  I needed a break.  All this new information was to overwhelming.  To see all this truth that I hadn’t previously been exposed too.

I went upstairs to the bathroom.  I thought that I needed to poo.  It felt like I did.  But as my little body began to release & let go to enable me to carry out this basic human activity.  I saw everything that conspired to allow this little miracle to happen.  I saw how our environment, our thoughts, our bodies conspire and orchestrate this magical event.  I heard Neil cough.  I felt the resistance behind his cough, I felt how that then triggered my own resistance, I saw my insides contract to prevent the letting go that my body needed to do, to let go.  I closed my eyes and saw the energy contract & pull up.  I saw the dense energy that surrounded my sacral chakra, and the lessons connected within that energy, that connected me to Neil and how it was a catalyst to the healing of this dense energy within me, life lessons I need to learn… I saw it all… I saw the inner connections of everything within this world.  And because I saw it all, understood it all, something told me that it was now my turn to die.

I saw it all.  It all made sense, and as I saw my moment arrive, I knew it was time.

I saw how everything in my life had conspired to this very moment, and saw life as a bunch of soul lessons.  What really mattered was how we died, not so much how we lived.  This was my moment.  I understood how I had come to where I had arrived.  I had to leave this life to teach Neil some life lessons that he needs to learn, by my passing.  I felt the life begin to leave my body, and felt my body collapse and my spirit move from this life.  I saw the lessons that I would be taking into the next life, they grasped tight to my body as I, my spirit, began to let go.  I saw the souls I was connected to… I saw Mum, I saw Neil, and it was in this moment that I said – NO!  Not yet, I’m not ready, I’m not ready to go yet.  But I needed to let go, to transition over.  I had begun to collapse into the bath tub next to the toilet, when I saw that I had a window where I could decide to leave – and teach Neil the his lessons, or I could stay, knowing what I now knew, but teach him in another way.

With that window – I pulled my pants up, ran down the stairs to the kitchen and told Neil that I was dying.

He was a cool cucumber, and thought that I was just freaking out.  Which as I sit here now, telling this story, I really can’t tell if my experience was real, or if I was freaking out.

I thought that I was being given an opportunity to tell Neil I loved him, tell him what was happening, and then have the chance to leave.

Neil suggested I lay down, and he lay with me, and I thought this was perfect.

Neil told me I was freaking out, and to calm my breath.  He lay holding me for however long he did.

After some time he eventually needed to get up to check the food he was cooking, and left me in bed.

I thought that this is it, that moment had arrived.  I’d told him I was dying, and now I needed to go.  Nothing felt important anymore.  I didn’t feel the need to contact anyone.  To say goodbye, anything.  It was strangely odd.

This time it was like I felt life finally slip from my body.  My body was heavy on the bed & my heart was beating like crazy, faster than I’ve ever felt it.  I had the awareness that if I was about to go, I was going to have a heart attack, it felt like it was going to explode in my chest.  In fact, I recall waiting for it, as if that would’ve been my cue to leave my body.  It was a nightmare waiting.  I could hear how slow my breath had become, I had the awareness that my breath needed to fully stop before my spirit could leave.  I couldn’t believe I was dying consciously.  I was conscious to the life leaving my body.  It wasn’t pleasant at all.

Upon what felt like my final breath, I heard the bedroom door lightly bump.  The wind in the evening was linked with my breath, which tied with the movement of the bedroom door.  I knew Neil was downstairs and wondered if he’d know to come upstairs.  I understood why the dying don’t like to die in the presence of loved one’s as it holds them back from leaving.  It’s to hard to leave your loved one’s.  Yet the process of dying and leaving your body isn’t a pleasant one.  I understood that, and could see all that playing out.

But Neil came to the room & the rest is a blur… I know he started trying to wake me up.  I could hear him.  I could feel him hold my body, trying to bring me back to consciousness.  I could hear everything.  But I couldn’t respond.  My body was limp & unresponsive.  I remember him slapping my face.  Yelling my name.  At one point, I remember him trying to give me CPR.  Yet I could not respond.  I was caught in this nightmare between living and dying and I couldn’t do anything but surrender into it.

Neil ran to his brother’s bedroom and asked him to help check me out.  Andrew came out and they were checking my breathing and my pulse to see if I was alive or what.  I heard them say that my pulse was light & that I was breathing.  But still I couldn’t come too.  I saw everything so clearly though.  I could see how I was a magical puzzle piece orchestrating a healing with Neil, with Andrew & with our Neighbor Temple, who Neil had just gone next door to get.  Neil didn’t know what to do, so he decided to run next door and grab Temple.  While he was gone.  I could feel Andrew holding my hand.  I could feel that I was playing a part in his life, in his healing.

I saw her arrive in our room, but again, I couldn’t respond.  She was a little shocked and unsure what to do.  Everybody was lost and didn’t know what to do with the lifeless form I was.  They were talking about me, I could hear it all.

Sometime passed & my arm did a really crazy twitch & I felt my eyes open.  I still wasn’t coherent, but I was beginning to have function over my body again.  Neil gave his apologies to Temple & Andrew, and after some minutes they both left.  But before Andrew disappeared into his room, I heard him ask Neil, “so what’s plans for tomorrow?”, like really casually.  I remember thinking that was the most oddest question to ask after an incident like that had occurred.  I put it down to Andrews discomfort with not really knowing how to comfort his brother.

Neil again joined me in bed.  It felt good to have him near me.  I thought I was done with this ride.  It’d felt like twice I’d tried to leave my body & I was having jack of this feeling, this trip, this ride, whatever it was I was experiencing – I wasn’t having fun.  I managed to ask Neil “when will this be over?”, he  replied “a few hours”… Oh shit,  I thought.

The anguish I had been feeling, at feeling life leave my body was like a torment I wouldn’t place on anyone, it felt mean, extremely uncomfortable & the pure surrender of it all was just to much.
To surrender to the life you know and love.
Can you imagine such a thing?
Especially with a loved one by your side.

In the next space of time, I thought I was done.  I thought I was safe.  I was in bed with Neil, we were together, all was good.

At least I thought.  I could feel life slipping again, this time it was with Neil by my side.  I wondered – what is going on here?  Am I going to die in his arms?  I can’t do this roller coaster ride again!

I heard our souls speak.

Neil’s said – “do you see now”?

I replied – “Yes”  I sighed & laughed & again replied. – “Fuck You!”

He laughed and we held each other tight.

You see – we’d made a pact, like the movie The Notebook, that’d we’d leave together.  I couldn’t leave, because Neil wasn’t with me.

By him asking me if I could see.  I could see how my soul had kicked off this chain of events to tell his it was time.  Neil’s head, or Ego just hadn’t gotten the message yet.  So he’d been struggling to catch up with me.  Somewhere along our past lives, we had made this commitment to leave together, but it never actualized due to various reasons.  I had made the commitment to undergo this horrific dying experience so that his soul could catch up with mine and we could leave together.  The reason I said “Fuck You”.  Now it was our time.

Again life was slipping from me, but this time it was different.  I was held.  It was safe, and it didn’t hurt.  He had me.  It was like an orgasm…. The sighs & blissful union of uniting with another soul, enable the message of life and it’s true meaning.  LOVE.  We had love and that was all that existed.  We sighed in the acknowledgement of life’s true meaning, and that we were leaving.  Except we didn’t.  When it came to Neil’s final breaths, he couldn’t let go.  He didn’t want to, he wasn’t ready, and so neither could I.  I couldn’t leave without him.

I don’t know what time it was when I finally came out of the final cycle of what I thought was my dying.  I know it was one scary arse trip that is beyond this world.  This physical world.

Sunday continued to confirm how real my consciousness shift was for me, by the interactions that were had between Neil & I.

Today – I feel a heck of a lot better, but am still trying to make sense out of this.  Did it happen?  Was it real?  Or was I just severely tripping out?

I’ve even considered going for a few tests?  Did I really nearly have a heart attack?  Soul says I should just let it lay – my head is curious.

Yesterday I even asked Neil if we spoke when he came to bed.  I suppose I wasn’t specific enough with my question, so the answer I received wasn’t the one I was after.

Through that night, I saw that everything I believed existed.  And that in one moment to the next, you can believe a different thing, and it will still be true.  That not any one thing exists.  Everything is true and everything can change and it will, and the moment it makes sense, it will just as quickly not make sense.  It is all an illusion…

Where does this leave me now?

Today I got up and carried about my tasks as I do.  I woke up.  I ate breakfast.  I went to the gym.  I drank my coffee.  I wrote blogs.  But there is a new sense of clarity.  A calmness, and new perspective reality, for now anyway.  Upon arriving at my coffee shop, I wondered if I would bump into my new friend Jeff – a character I met last week who understood the likes of energy & consciousness… It appears I invited him to the cafe by my very thought.  He was there as I sat down with my coffee, and I couldn’t wait to share with him my story.  I guess I was hoping for some insights into it.  He suggested maybe a rebirth?  I’m not so sure?

What stays with me, is how this experience affected Neil, and how I saw that it was something he needed to experience in order to wake up.  It doesn’t make it any easier on me.  My instinct is to protect him.  However this works in complete opposite to its purpose.  I see the inner workings of our relationship, how we do this dance of protecting each other.  I pull back, he steps forward.  He pulls back, I step forward.  We dance a dance.  This is our dance.  And through my experience – it is not one I am in control of.  I am a puzzle piece within it, but I am not the conductor, there is something larger that I am a part of, we are all a part of.  And the way things are, is the way they are meant to be, and it is all perfect.  Everything is perfect and always is.

15 Day Challenge – Day 4 – 1 distraction I am going to remove from daily life

I opened my Day 4 email and was reading it aloud in front of Neil.

After reading the topic, without thought, Neil answered “Me”.

He believes he is a distraction to me in me getting stuff done.

This is true to some degree… but definitely NOT one I am going to remove that’s for sure.  Sure we have needed to create some boundaries in how we do life, but once harmony is found, then some sort of balance is created.  One that one hopes through open communication, works for both parties.

I think of myself as a pretty organised individual.  I get shit done as and when needed.  But waking up this morning and reflecting on what I need to remove, I find what I need to be doing more of, is just getting efficient in daily tasks.  I have been plodding along in my day because I can.  I haven’t had a official job, and I haven’t been busy, and so I can get away with playing with my minutes, hours & days.  I haven’t wanted to condense how I complete my tasks.

And today, because my attention was focused on what distractions I could remove, I was clearly able to see what things could shift.

– Getting out of bed the moment my alarm goes off
– Not checking Facebook or any form of Social Media upon rising.
– Deciding what to do and starting it immediately instead of fluffing & enjoying my moments.
– When at the gym – focusing on the task, or exercise at hand.  I realized today that I fluff a little at the gym because I’ve been looking to connect with people, and so I float my openness in time seeking to connect with others.

When I have tasks to do, I am focused on these, and I no longer need to float my time and fluff around.

So in conclusion, what is my one distraction to remove from my daily life?
A:  Being more focused on my daily tasks & productivity & less fluffing & dancing with the limitless time that I have.

time dancer

Just for fun…

Remember back in school when we used to fill in friendship books with random information about ourselves?

Well I just found one in a Cosmo Magazine while I was searching for Vision Day images and thought I’d do it for fun and share it…

Here goes;

Name:  Heidi

Nickname:  Heids

My friends always make fun of me for…  My second toe.  It’s longer than my big toe

My biggest turn-on is…  Inspiring people who get shit done and are out to change the world

The best advice I’ve ever got about love is…  A tricky one, but probably that it doesn’t involve the head/ego

From…  My Chicken friend

The one thing I can’t live without is…  One thing?  Coffee, Chocolate, Sunshine, Hugs, Kisses, Delicious Food, Friends, Soulful Conversation…

Life’s too short too…   Not follow your heart & give a fuck

I feel sexiest in: b
a) A dress
b) lululemon gear
c) Lingerie
d) Nothing

Heartbreak is…  necessary – rich with valuable lessons.

The last text I received said…  Thanks love

And was from…  Erin Tymchuck

The only way to cure a sugar hangover is: d
a) Eat more junk food
b) Remain still and watch crap TV
c) Go for a run
d) Have a nap

You might be shocked to find out I’ve never…  Um, I’ve got nothing for you off the top of my head.

The one thing I know about men and sex that I wish I’d known five years ago is…  the more open & loving I am, the more open & loving they are.

If I was a boy for the day the first thing I’d do is…  What do you think?

My biggest mistake in relationships has always been:  neither of these.  See two questions above
a) Wearing my heart on my sleeve
b) Not backing down in arguments
c) Getting jealous

The most hurtful thing I’ve ever read about myself was…  reading someone else’s friendship book when I was at school where the question written was “Who don’t you like?”  My name was one that followed.  🙁

I feel most powerful when…  I am following my heart & moving forward in life.  When I am successfully riding my snowboard.

When no one is looking, I…  a
a) Dance in front of the bedroom mirror
b) Do a pouty selfie
c) Scoff five biscuits really quickly

I couldn’t date someone who didn’t love my…  second toe

Insert a picture of a goal for this year 

Whistler Snowboarder

learning about the beauty of you, through others…

Part of what I have always visioned, is using my collection of journals to write my posts or potentially a book in the future.

I have this vision of writing snippets of my past, typing word by word accounts of a ‘day in the life’ of.  Perhaps with the the intention of having that story resonate with individuals – who knows?  It’s not up to me right.

So on this day 16 May 2009 here is what I wrote in my journal;

“I’ve had a lovely day so far.  Wake, sleep, wake, eat, read, sleep.  Bit of stretching, washing, cry.  That was an interesting one.  It’s actually a piece of the puzzle.  All this opening Tom stuff.  I read the Delta Wave Tip Off and she speaks of dealing with our father issues at present.  She goes in instruction of how to have a soul conversation with your father and automatically I think “I can’t do that!”  Not even about not knowing him, but more about how I couldn’t open my heart to him.  And from what I’ve learnt, this is where my relationship with Males began.  I feel hurt/sad, like he didn’t want me.  This part of me feels so sad.  So hurt she missed out on her Dad’s love.  (maybe why I put on my Smurf t-shirt?).  These past few days also, I’ve been holding Tom in the distance.  I think of him though I am still feeling pretty vulnerable.  I couldn’t’ see him when I walked past just now.  I would love to visit him, though all these thoughts arise like, will he want to see me?  What if he doesn’t?  I even told myself on Wednesday when he finished work, that he’d decided he didn’t want to follow on with our relationship anymore.  I think I need to be mindful of while I’m in this space to not put him in my fathers role.  I still am not clear what exactly Tom’s role is right now?  Whether what we have is Physical, Emotional or Spiritual.  The later two definitely.  But perhaps a different Physical.  I think I am simply scared.  Some parts are tough.  Like only seeing each other after work.  As he does his thing outside of that.  I feel frustrated as after work is my gym time.  I’m compromising.  YUM VANILLA BEAN”

My lessons and reflections from this writing piece…

– Be mindful of projecting stories onto loved one’s in life.  ie – My father didn’t love me, therefore you don’t love me.  Take ownership for your own story.
– Journal it out.  Write about how you’re feeling.  If that feels to hard, imagine writing about a character.  Give your character a persona and imagine how he/she might feel or react.  Really own all facets of emotions.

When I was first connecting to my anger – it felt so foreign and so I couldn’t connect with it.  I imagined my anger looked like a little girl (the cute girl from Monsters Inc) and nicknamed her Dotti.  Dotti had cyclone anger!  It was easier for me to say that Dotti was angry before I learnt to say that I felt angry.

All relationships are AMAZING teachers, if you haven’t already heard the concept of them being a mirror for yourself – you’re going to hear it now.

What you see in another person, is in yourself.

Whether what you see is beautiful, challenging or other, it is a reflection of YOU.  Notice your thoughts towards another person, then ask yourself, where is that in me?  Watch what you want to own and not own, it’s all in you, an opportunity to discover the complexity of you.  We can change how we view our external environment simply by acknowledging our inner.  If you encounter an angry individual, ask yourself where am I angry?  People are simply mirrors to what we need to acknowledge.