Well well well…
I am just on the slippery slide out of the weekend that was…
It was mind bending & altering to say the least.
And it’s like, in hind-sight, I somehow asked for it.
I have been ready for a while now, to see something new, to somehow be awoken into a new amazingness of life, that perhaps I felt like I wasn’t getting.
Which is weird, because I consider myself a highly grateful being. But a few things perhaps just weren’t matching up?
On Saturday, Neil & I somehow decided that we would get stoned at home & have a old ole laugh.
I’d mentioned to him previously that I was interested in doing this, but only with him. A couple of his friends smoke, and when we’re out n about with them at their house, I have felt a sense of curiosity, but seeing my history with Pot, wasn’t feeling to brave to jump in with a bunch of people.
So we’d had a lovely day together, and roll around dinner time, knew we needed food, so decided to do a big shop & possibly buy some pot.
There is a ‘shop’ in Victoria which allows individuals to buy what they need for medicinal purposes. So we headed down and like two teenagers, we oggled at the display and what we wanted. We decided on a brownie & some other varieties of grass.
We were pretty excited, but equally I was expressing a few concerns I was having about it. Neil reminded me to keep an open mind and to not head into it with fear based thoughts – which made sense. I shared my concerns, we came to a conclusion & then basically let go & moved on.
Once home we quickly halved the brownie & deliciously sucked on the chocolaty goodness.
It felt like only a matter of say 15-20 minutes where I began to feel my consciousness shift. I was deep into reading a Facebook post of a friends, & decided to reply…. It was mid reply I realized I didn’t know what I was writing anymore, and if it was even making sense. I cut the comment & saved it into Notes on my phone just before giving up.
I moved into the kitchen to join Neil where I shared that I was beginning to feel its effects. During this time we talked, laughed & joked around with how we were feeling. Suddenly cooking our planned Nacho’s seemed like the most difficult thing in the world to do! My only task was to cook the chicken, and I simply couldn’t remember how to do that. Neil was in fits laughing at me, and I was laughing as I couldn’t work out why everything was suddenly so hard.
The music in the background was blaring and extremely incoducive to productivity – so we decided to change it to Edo & Jo. Neil was having a hard time trying to find the CD, so called me in to do it. As I was putting it on, instantly I felt an energy drop into my energy.
I had shared with Neil previously, my concerns about this happening, and this is where we suggested keeping an open positive mindset. This experience just blew me. During ‘normal’ daily routines I set up energy protection, I clear my chakras & aura, I complete energy clearing around the home. But I have NEVER felt anything so prominant as the actual energy entering my through my head. I said to Neil immediately – something just dropped in & I have to clear it! He was really supportive and asked me what I needed & was there with me. I ran upstairs and grabbed my smudge stick and started waving it about like a lunatic. As I mentioned, I usually do this sort of thing, but to actually FEEL the reality & truth of how this happens on a level so unmistakabe was mind blowing! I was attempting to explain what I felt to Neil, but felt like a goof as I was already loosing my mind.
I did what I ‘thought’ was a clearing, but when I joined Neil in the kitchen a few minutes later, I could feel that I hadn’t completely cleared the energy. My crown felt wide open and I could feel a real heaviness in my step, like something was trying to pull me down.
I excused myself to Neil, saying I wanted to complete my clearing. So sat down in the lounge listening to Edo & Jo and began clearing the energy around my head. Suddenly everything changed. I feel like the veil between the illusion of this world & the real world – the spirit world opened up. I saw how energy is all around us, not separate to, but one. I saw Spirit there with us. All the text we hear in Yoga, read on social media, in Spiritual teachings, it was all true in that moment. One that sprang to my mind was, “you have no idea how supported you are!” It was TRUE. It is TRUE. Edo & Jo were singing, and it was the Angels singing. It was every Angel singing. They were talking to me. They are singing to us. In every message, it is being delivered by them. In this divine moment of unveiling, I saw it all. I understood LIFE! I let go in absolute tears of gratitude & understanding. I was blessing this awakening, I was crying, and I was continuously placing hands of prayer from universal source to crown, to third eye, to heart and repeating, over and over and over. I could see. I understood. I now understood why we place our hands at heart center. It all made so much sense!
Beautiful Neil was now lying on the couch next to me, holding me as I was opening to this unbelievable experience. He had originally thought that I was having a meltdown, but I was attempting to explain to him that I now understood life. How do you do that? He understood – I had opened to the Oneness of Life.
My mind was blown… Was this something that I had been missing out on? Was this something that everyone knew, but me? Was this the reason why my life hadn’t taken off yet? Because I hadn’t experienced this truth? All these questions and more were now heading through my mind. I could now see the truth. I could see the truth in everything!
I joined Neil back in the kitchen after some time, with my newly expanded mind. Truth. I heard my mind say – look at the truth of your relationship. Notice how Neil is with you. I could see Neil. I could see his nervous anxious energy around me, and I saw it for what it really was. He is SO into me, that he is scared to be himself around me. He dances around like a nervous ant, saying lovely things to woo me, to make sure that I’m seeing how wonderful he is, hiding himself from me for fear of me not accepting him as he really is. I saw this, in it’s entirety playing out. Each time, he said or did something, just confirmed the truth I saw even more. I got scared. Everything I thought to be true about our love, wasn’t the way I thought it was. I could feel his fear around connecting with me. I could see his fear.
This was too much. I needed a break. All this new information was to overwhelming. To see all this truth that I hadn’t previously been exposed too.
I went upstairs to the bathroom. I thought that I needed to poo. It felt like I did. But as my little body began to release & let go to enable me to carry out this basic human activity. I saw everything that conspired to allow this little miracle to happen. I saw how our environment, our thoughts, our bodies conspire and orchestrate this magical event. I heard Neil cough. I felt the resistance behind his cough, I felt how that then triggered my own resistance, I saw my insides contract to prevent the letting go that my body needed to do, to let go. I closed my eyes and saw the energy contract & pull up. I saw the dense energy that surrounded my sacral chakra, and the lessons connected within that energy, that connected me to Neil and how it was a catalyst to the healing of this dense energy within me, life lessons I need to learn… I saw it all… I saw the inner connections of everything within this world. And because I saw it all, understood it all, something told me that it was now my turn to die.
I saw it all. It all made sense, and as I saw my moment arrive, I knew it was time.
I saw how everything in my life had conspired to this very moment, and saw life as a bunch of soul lessons. What really mattered was how we died, not so much how we lived. This was my moment. I understood how I had come to where I had arrived. I had to leave this life to teach Neil some life lessons that he needs to learn, by my passing. I felt the life begin to leave my body, and felt my body collapse and my spirit move from this life. I saw the lessons that I would be taking into the next life, they grasped tight to my body as I, my spirit, began to let go. I saw the souls I was connected to… I saw Mum, I saw Neil, and it was in this moment that I said – NO! Not yet, I’m not ready, I’m not ready to go yet. But I needed to let go, to transition over. I had begun to collapse into the bath tub next to the toilet, when I saw that I had a window where I could decide to leave – and teach Neil the his lessons, or I could stay, knowing what I now knew, but teach him in another way.
With that window – I pulled my pants up, ran down the stairs to the kitchen and told Neil that I was dying.
He was a cool cucumber, and thought that I was just freaking out. Which as I sit here now, telling this story, I really can’t tell if my experience was real, or if I was freaking out.
I thought that I was being given an opportunity to tell Neil I loved him, tell him what was happening, and then have the chance to leave.
Neil suggested I lay down, and he lay with me, and I thought this was perfect.
Neil told me I was freaking out, and to calm my breath. He lay holding me for however long he did.
After some time he eventually needed to get up to check the food he was cooking, and left me in bed.
I thought that this is it, that moment had arrived. I’d told him I was dying, and now I needed to go. Nothing felt important anymore. I didn’t feel the need to contact anyone. To say goodbye, anything. It was strangely odd.
This time it was like I felt life finally slip from my body. My body was heavy on the bed & my heart was beating like crazy, faster than I’ve ever felt it. I had the awareness that if I was about to go, I was going to have a heart attack, it felt like it was going to explode in my chest. In fact, I recall waiting for it, as if that would’ve been my cue to leave my body. It was a nightmare waiting. I could hear how slow my breath had become, I had the awareness that my breath needed to fully stop before my spirit could leave. I couldn’t believe I was dying consciously. I was conscious to the life leaving my body. It wasn’t pleasant at all.
Upon what felt like my final breath, I heard the bedroom door lightly bump. The wind in the evening was linked with my breath, which tied with the movement of the bedroom door. I knew Neil was downstairs and wondered if he’d know to come upstairs. I understood why the dying don’t like to die in the presence of loved one’s as it holds them back from leaving. It’s to hard to leave your loved one’s. Yet the process of dying and leaving your body isn’t a pleasant one. I understood that, and could see all that playing out.
But Neil came to the room & the rest is a blur… I know he started trying to wake me up. I could hear him. I could feel him hold my body, trying to bring me back to consciousness. I could hear everything. But I couldn’t respond. My body was limp & unresponsive. I remember him slapping my face. Yelling my name. At one point, I remember him trying to give me CPR. Yet I could not respond. I was caught in this nightmare between living and dying and I couldn’t do anything but surrender into it.
Neil ran to his brother’s bedroom and asked him to help check me out. Andrew came out and they were checking my breathing and my pulse to see if I was alive or what. I heard them say that my pulse was light & that I was breathing. But still I couldn’t come too. I saw everything so clearly though. I could see how I was a magical puzzle piece orchestrating a healing with Neil, with Andrew & with our Neighbor Temple, who Neil had just gone next door to get. Neil didn’t know what to do, so he decided to run next door and grab Temple. While he was gone. I could feel Andrew holding my hand. I could feel that I was playing a part in his life, in his healing.
I saw her arrive in our room, but again, I couldn’t respond. She was a little shocked and unsure what to do. Everybody was lost and didn’t know what to do with the lifeless form I was. They were talking about me, I could hear it all.
Sometime passed & my arm did a really crazy twitch & I felt my eyes open. I still wasn’t coherent, but I was beginning to have function over my body again. Neil gave his apologies to Temple & Andrew, and after some minutes they both left. But before Andrew disappeared into his room, I heard him ask Neil, “so what’s plans for tomorrow?”, like really casually. I remember thinking that was the most oddest question to ask after an incident like that had occurred. I put it down to Andrews discomfort with not really knowing how to comfort his brother.
Neil again joined me in bed. It felt good to have him near me. I thought I was done with this ride. It’d felt like twice I’d tried to leave my body & I was having jack of this feeling, this trip, this ride, whatever it was I was experiencing – I wasn’t having fun. I managed to ask Neil “when will this be over?”, he replied “a few hours”… Oh shit, I thought.
The anguish I had been feeling, at feeling life leave my body was like a torment I wouldn’t place on anyone, it felt mean, extremely uncomfortable & the pure surrender of it all was just to much.
To surrender to the life you know and love.
Can you imagine such a thing?
Especially with a loved one by your side.
In the next space of time, I thought I was done. I thought I was safe. I was in bed with Neil, we were together, all was good.
At least I thought. I could feel life slipping again, this time it was with Neil by my side. I wondered – what is going on here? Am I going to die in his arms? I can’t do this roller coaster ride again!
I heard our souls speak.
Neil’s said – “do you see now”?
I replied – “Yes” I sighed & laughed & again replied. – “Fuck You!”
He laughed and we held each other tight.
You see – we’d made a pact, like the movie The Notebook, that’d we’d leave together. I couldn’t leave, because Neil wasn’t with me.
By him asking me if I could see. I could see how my soul had kicked off this chain of events to tell his it was time. Neil’s head, or Ego just hadn’t gotten the message yet. So he’d been struggling to catch up with me. Somewhere along our past lives, we had made this commitment to leave together, but it never actualized due to various reasons. I had made the commitment to undergo this horrific dying experience so that his soul could catch up with mine and we could leave together. The reason I said “Fuck You”. Now it was our time.
Again life was slipping from me, but this time it was different. I was held. It was safe, and it didn’t hurt. He had me. It was like an orgasm…. The sighs & blissful union of uniting with another soul, enable the message of life and it’s true meaning. LOVE. We had love and that was all that existed. We sighed in the acknowledgement of life’s true meaning, and that we were leaving. Except we didn’t. When it came to Neil’s final breaths, he couldn’t let go. He didn’t want to, he wasn’t ready, and so neither could I. I couldn’t leave without him.
I don’t know what time it was when I finally came out of the final cycle of what I thought was my dying. I know it was one scary arse trip that is beyond this world. This physical world.
Sunday continued to confirm how real my consciousness shift was for me, by the interactions that were had between Neil & I.
Today – I feel a heck of a lot better, but am still trying to make sense out of this. Did it happen? Was it real? Or was I just severely tripping out?
I’ve even considered going for a few tests? Did I really nearly have a heart attack? Soul says I should just let it lay – my head is curious.
Yesterday I even asked Neil if we spoke when he came to bed. I suppose I wasn’t specific enough with my question, so the answer I received wasn’t the one I was after.
Through that night, I saw that everything I believed existed. And that in one moment to the next, you can believe a different thing, and it will still be true. That not any one thing exists. Everything is true and everything can change and it will, and the moment it makes sense, it will just as quickly not make sense. It is all an illusion…
Where does this leave me now?
Today I got up and carried about my tasks as I do. I woke up. I ate breakfast. I went to the gym. I drank my coffee. I wrote blogs. But there is a new sense of clarity. A calmness, and new perspective reality, for now anyway. Upon arriving at my coffee shop, I wondered if I would bump into my new friend Jeff – a character I met last week who understood the likes of energy & consciousness… It appears I invited him to the cafe by my very thought. He was there as I sat down with my coffee, and I couldn’t wait to share with him my story. I guess I was hoping for some insights into it. He suggested maybe a rebirth? I’m not so sure?
What stays with me, is how this experience affected Neil, and how I saw that it was something he needed to experience in order to wake up. It doesn’t make it any easier on me. My instinct is to protect him. However this works in complete opposite to its purpose. I see the inner workings of our relationship, how we do this dance of protecting each other. I pull back, he steps forward. He pulls back, I step forward. We dance a dance. This is our dance. And through my experience – it is not one I am in control of. I am a puzzle piece within it, but I am not the conductor, there is something larger that I am a part of, we are all a part of. And the way things are, is the way they are meant to be, and it is all perfect. Everything is perfect and always is.