Today there is not to much else to do or understand, but just be and write a little.
It feels like everything is coming to a head, and life as I currently know it is changing, not before my eyes – because that actually hasn’t happened yet – but on my insides.
Since doing a breath work/sound healing yesterday afternoon, it has brought up all the emotions attached to my current situation. (in case you haven’t read anything; the ‘up in the air-ness’ of my love relationship, my purpose/job/career, my country location…) Three very big life topics to look at at the same time.
I am feeling slightly split open, cracked, cloudy, foggy, unclear, sad, frustrated, sometimes angry, introspective, just to name a few.
This morning I don’t know what to do with myself. Simple feels like a great place to start, so I have meditated, and now I am writing as I heat my breakfast and sip on lemon water.
I had a lovely supportive chat with Lynne yesterday afternoon – she reminded me of how the ego often needs to crack so that new life can pour in. I’ve experienced this once before in my life, and that was in about 2008 – the time in my life when I became depressed & I can compare it to that time – minus the depression – thank god!
Its like trying to think a thought or ask a question – and all you see is blank unlimited space.
What should I do today? Blank Space
What do I feel like doing? Blank Space
Its an interesting place to be. Hence pulling it back to simplicity. Something I think my mind failed with when I entered depression. That over thinking, need to know, brain of mine…
Its when the blankies hit “Blank Space”, then one resorts to a moment by moment affair of what one (me) wants to do with her time.
Which in essence, is all there ever is. This moment in time. The next does not exist yet & never will, until it then becomes the present moment.
We strive to achieve this type of presence in meditation. Being in the here and now, connecting with breath & as I always like to do, my guides/angels & the magic that exists in the spaces between worlds.
Though, this said, lets not discount our minds and how much struggle they can go into & cause us when they are no longer needed (in this sense).
They have been built on us trying to create our lives in our minds. I will live in this country, with this partner, I’d like to do this in the world, and earn this much money, so that we can go on holiday, live a bountiful life and feel happy…
Uh uh – this doesn’t even exist – our minds have created this scene based on past experiences & future ideas for pure entertainment pleasure – so that we can trick ourselves in magically feeling safe in the world. This is the life that I want to live and am working towards – therefore I am SAFE! When the reality is, life is lived moment by moment, it happens to us as a co-creation with us.
What I’m writing is so not anything new – no new concept to you at all, however it is the execution of it, that makes it all the more powerful. Dropping ideas and conditioning and surrendering to the unknown and what life will gift us.
I shared a conversation with my neighbor the other day. We were talking about drinking and why people drink. She told me that she finds life boring, so having a drink is something has makes her feel good. This is exactly the conditioning we are living with. If we are not open & available to lifes’ gifts, then the mind will get bored. We’re not open to being guided by our souls calling, leading us on our own personal adventure.
I don’t want to live a half arsed life – I never have, I feel now, that there has always been a strong will guiding me on my adventures. Even as my head has been in the way for most of my life – I can now sense that it has always been there guiding me.
So the journey home is not an easy one, but a courageous one that will show you parts of yourself that you may not have wished to see, but it is well worth it. Beyond worth. It is life. There is nothing else. As if you pass this life having not experienced that wonder that is you, well have you really lived?
My biggest fear is dying without having release my magic within, having not met my purpose…
As this blog names suggests, I wanted to share a story about what saying YES to your goals + dreams really means, share the process and the fears that can potentially pop up when we step up to say YES to the life we want.
Here we go;
I had a great lesson recently. It is regarding abundance, manifestations & desires. I received the opportunity to fly to Canada for 1 week, with 1 weeks notice.
My initial reaction was = CRAZY!! But this is my life. Crazy and spontaneous is exactly the way I like it, so I’d asked for this!
Neil (a previous romance, who I wasn’t over, who pulled on my heart strings like crazy, who lived in Canada) said to me; “if you can find a return flight to Canada for 2K, I’ll fly you over for my 30th birthday!”
“Deal.” was my response.
I called my travel agent Lucy, at Flight Centre straight away, to tell her my story. Straight away she was online checking flights. She found one with China Air for $2100.
“Do you want me to book it?
“Um, let me check with Neil first”. I wanted to confirm he was really THAT serious, as his request was only via Viber.
“Ok, let me see if I can hold it for you. Yep, I can only hold it until tomorrow 5pm. Will you confirm with me tomorrow, if you want to go ahead? How exciting!” Lucy replied.
Neil had gone to bed on his side of the world, so I had to wait patiently until the next morning to call him.
Me to Neil. “Are you serious about me coming over, because I found a flight!”
“Yeah, what do you think, do you want too?”
So now that that’s clear, I need to arrange the details. Work, Flights etc…
I ring Jess (my Manager at work), to explain my story and request my leave, to leave in ONE WEEK. Keep in mind here, that at work we were very tightly staffed AND a colleague was already granted leave for 3 weeks during this time! What was my possibility going to be? “So um, you know how I’m going to Canada for my working holiday next year, well Neil, this guy I love, well, he wants to fly me over for his birthday, like next week, and, well, can I take time off work in like a weeks time?”
“Wow! Absolutely, we can make that happen. We’ll just look at the rosters and see what we can do!”
Ok cool, so the work thing is now sorted. Now to call Lucy and confirm my ticket. I thought I’d ask Lucy about changing the dates a little, because in my haste to search dates, I hadn’t really looked at my work schedule, I was more concerned with finding a 2K flight. She checked out some alternatives, but discovered that overnight, all flights had gone UP an extra $1500!! Not mine, because it had been held & secured. Talk about bloody luck!
I confirm with Lucy that this was going ahead and Neil is paying. After hanging up, I follow her email prompts to pay using his Credit Card. Because I was using his Canadian Credit Card, the Australian payment page was giving me a declined message. His card wouldn’t work in Australia. I call Lucy back, she suggested he could pay via BPAY. She gives me the codes, and I contact Neil and ask him to give this way a go.
On the phone with Lucy again, two further suggestions.
Over the phone & bank transfer.
As I am about to give Lucy Neils’ CC digits, I felt prompted to ask her; “I’m ok to travel aren’t I? My passport is valid until November this year, I’m still good right?”
“Noooooo” she replies. “You can’t travel with less than 6 months validity on your passport!”
“Whatdyamean, I can’t fly with less than 6 months validity, what’s the purpose of an expiration date on a passport, if you can’t fly up until it expires?”
“I’m not 100% sure why, but I know you can’t travel. Maybe call the embassy and double check. You can order an emergency passport”.
This is the point where I begin to ask myself;
– should I really be going
– why don’t I just wait until I go properly next year
– I’ll have more time to arrange my passport
– probably wasn’t meant to happen anyway
– I’m not paying for an emergency passport
– what a crazy idea – it was fun to think about & explore…
This is where my fear, rears its doubt & fearful reasoning…
This is the main crux of my story. That point, or threshold where we’re likely SO familiar.
The ego mind that is telling us that our dreams were just that. A dream. A nice idea and a fictional reality to indulge in.
Where we tell ourselves – ‘I could never do that – that’s crazy!’
That point of reasoning where we back down from that very thing that we want, when it’s almost within reach, when moving forward means stepping up into potential discomfort and GROWTH and OWNING what we want.
That’s right OWNING your dreams.
THE TURNING POINT
I call Neil, feeling a little defeated, like something has just died inside me. I explain to him about my passport & how I couldn’t travel. Here’s what he said.
“Just get a new one.”
Unattached to my story, my emotion, my thoughts. ‘Just get a new one!’
My story spills out of my mouth; “blah blah blah money, time, passport, how, money blah blah blah” (you get my jist, you heard it all above.)
“Don’t worry about it baby. I’ll pay for it. Call the travel agent, book the ticket, apply for a new passport, get your bum here, it’ll be fine.”
I hop off the phone, feeling like I’ve been pushed to my edges. My story has been blasted to smithereens and I’ve now got no excuse in the book, to stop me from going to Canada in 6 days time. 6 days! A passport in 6 days!
I call the embassy. They spell out the steps required to order an emergency passport in simple black & white. Simple. It’s actually really simple. Today is Wednesday. I calculate that I can head into the city Thursday afternoon to order my passport, pick it up Tuesday afternoon, then fly to Canada Wednesday. I’m not leaving the courier to chance. No way – I’m picking this puppy up myself!
PAYING FOR THE FLIGHT
It’s now 12:30pm, and I start work at 1pm. I have 30 mintues to drive to work & 4.5hrs to pay for my ticket. Should be easy.
I’m on the phone to Lucy again. This time we’re trying Neil’s Credit Card payment over the phone.
My ego speaks up again;
– maybe your not meant to be going
– if we pull out now, we’ll be safe, you won’t have to stress about an emergency passport. Shhhhhhh I tell it.
Lucy asks me if I can pay. Sadly that isn’t an option at the moment. I ask her about the bank transfer option she’d mentioned previously. Her Manager had removed pulled this off the table, saying the funds wouldn’t clear fast enough from Canada in time to pay for the ticket.
My options were out!
I’ve now left for work, driving, trying to figure out what I can do. Who can I borrow $2000 from? Who asks people for this kind of money?? How bad do I want to go to Canada for my dears birthday? I wanna go. Bad!
A name appears in my minds eye. Jules.
Jules: noun Your nearest and dearest bestie. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby and has a 3 year old toddler. Your nearest and dearest bestie who has just had a baby, has a 3 year told toddler, and has just purchased her first family home with her partner.
Could I really be so cheeky to ask her to borrow this money? But it’s just until funds clear from Canada. But I still have to ask the question. It’s NEVER comfortable asking anybody for money. Coffee money. Lunch money. Let alone a $2000 ticket to Canada!
I have Eddie Murphys impression of Bill Cosby playing in my head. “Neeeed the money, to buy the ticKET! Get the money, to get the ticKET!” I call Jules, and I tell her my story, I ask if she can lend me the money to buy the ticKET. (without the Bill Cosby impersonation). I can tell that she wants to help me, but know it’s a loaded question. This is confirmed because she needs to speak to her partner, to get the all clear.
10 MINUTES PASS
I’ve arrived at my destination, and I’m walking from my car into work. Jules has called back. She’s spoken with her partner, and they’ve agreed they will help me, but need to know that the money is going to make it’s way straight back to them.
I feel my Solar Plexus.
I get this.
It’s a lot of money to request, give, and trust for anyone. Let alone a new family with 2 kids and a brand new mortgage.
I’m at work now.
I ask Jules if she would kindly call Lucy for me. Not having explained to Lucy what has actually happened in the past 30 minutes.
5 minutes later a text comes through from Jules.
YOU’RE GOING TO CANADA!!
The rest of the story falls into place from here. I got my passport easy. I got my shifts covered easy. Everybody at work said YES to covering me. Another dear friend even volunteered to swap her shifts at work so she could drive me to the airport! Easy. Everything was EASY! I said YES.
The universe said YES.
In summary, the point of my story sharing, is to illustrate that crucial crux point. That sticky threshold between choosing to stay where we are, or choosing to step up into something new.
Do you really want your dreams and desires in life, stepping up to the call and taking action?
Do you just keep doing what you’ve always done, continuing to achieve the same outcome?
I’ve shared this story with a few friends, and their response has been one of awe & inspiration! I hope by sharing it here with you, it will inspire you to notice your sticky points, step up to OWN your dreams and desires also.
They are your god-given (or spirit, universe, soul….) birthright. They are available to you right NOW!
Love & Marriage, do they really go together like a horse & carriage?
I don’t know, but what I do know is, I’ve recently had a perspective shift around this whole marriage thing.
Growing up with a single Mum who never married until semi recently, I never got the whole marriage thing.
I didn’t understand why people had this deep desire to be married with the house & while picket fence.
I’ve never dreamt of ‘the day’, the dress, the bridesmaids…
I’ve dreamt of adventuring the world, making life up as I go, not being bound to anyone thing or place, able to pack up and move as I choose. To have FREEDOM.
Sure I’ve wanted to meet someone with the same life dreams as me. To explore, to travel, to laugh, to love, to live a rich & meaningful existence and make a difference on this planet, but weddings & marriage…. Pfffftttt
BUT, recently, something has shifted in me, and maybe I’m a bit slow, maybe everyone knew this key ingredient before I did?
I’ve learnt that, when you meet someone, that really freakin special someone who you just adore, a person who you feel such a strong connection and knowing about them that you’ve never felt before. A person who shakes your world and you know you’re never going to quite be the same, someone who you just want to give the world to. You want to give them YOU, because you know that’s the deepest gift you can give someone, then, this whole marriage thing, begins to make a little more sense.
See I had this idea that marriage was something you DID. I’ve heard the stories, “Oh we’d been together long enough, it was time”, “It is for the kids really”, “It was the right thing to do”. So how is that appealing?!!
But what I’m learning/feeling, that maybe it was originally born from truly meeting a love, and wanting to sacredly gift yourself to them, a symbol of honoring the being that they are, and that you are choosing to come together to create the wonder of life TOGETHER. Maybe the materialism of it today has taken away its deepest meaning?
I was asked the about weddings the other day by a friends, she said, What would you want?
Pfffftt & blank face, I think was my response.
She laughed and suggested, “barefoot on a beach”.
I laughed back, and said, “Pretty much!”
So, whilst my sights aren’t set on a wedding, in sacred ritualistic gift to the one that I love, I would give my heart in ceremony to declare that I would love, care & support him until such a time where our souls contract says its time to part.
Might not be as ‘romantic’ as the TV shows & magazines, but its real and for me, a grand step in opening to this greater existence called life.
(I might add, that after my Pfffftt/blank face, I did also say – I’d have to talk with him and see what he would want. I believe your ceremony should be co-creative).