8 Month Womb of Bali Love

These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection.  It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.

Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation.¬† Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to.¬† I‚Äôm Heidi ‚Äď I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path.¬† This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.

I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.

It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period.¬† Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward.¬† After all, doesn‚Äôt it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life?¬† Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action.¬† Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties.¬† Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe.¬† ‚ÄúIl dolce far niente.‚ÄĚ

I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly.¬† After all, as the saying goes ‚Äúwe get what we need, not what we want.‚ÄĚ

I‚Äôve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life ‚Äď making a living ‚Äď in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali.¬† It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‚Äėin control‚Äô of such simple matters.¬† However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on.¬† I have been gifted a break from the rat race.¬† An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.

Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali.¬† An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective.¬† To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble.¬† A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed.¬† Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, ‚Äúwhat am I doing with my life!‚ÄĚ

Feeling unbiased either way upon my return ‚Äď should I stay, should I go ‚Äď I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed ‚Äď I felt freer.¬† But direction & purpose were still no more clearer.¬† ¬†Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I‚Äôd hoped options would become clear to me.¬† This wasn‚Äôt to be the case.¬† Foggier and foggier I became.¬† I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force.¬† Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear.¬† I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.

That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy.¬† Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished.¬† I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online.¬† I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins.¬† I started watching it out of curiosity.¬† He‚Äôs been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him.¬† However he has a movie set for release shortly titled ‚ÄúI am not your Guru‚ÄĚ, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept.¬† I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.

Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like ‚Äúhow to control your emotions‚ÄĚ thinking, this will be interesting.¬† I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he‚Äôs talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.

I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something.  I get this.  We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message.  I get this also.  What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 ‚Äď Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 ‚Äď Take action preceding the situation.

Watch the mentioned Tony Robbin’s Video here

 

I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed.¬† For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness.¬† So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth.¬† Allowing it to be what is.¬† It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine.¬† Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity ‚Äď having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age?¬† Perhaps making up for lost time, I don‚Äôt know?

This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked ‚Äúwhat do I do next?‚Ä̬† I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration.¬† A clear indication around what action I needed to take.¬† Up until recently, I‚Äôve been getting nadda.¬† This morning what came through was a message – ‚Äúback yourself.‚ÄĚ

What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control.  I am in charge of what I want to create.  I looked at why I am feeling this way.  I got really honest with myself.  I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously.  So what was my resistance?

I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone.  That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be.  I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself.  I was my own boss.  I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!

This memory reminded me that I can do that again!

I needed to internally choose.  I needed to step up, to back myself.  To choose that I want to work for myself.  To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here.  Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards.  I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now.  Now is the time to do.

As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout.  I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them.  I was my own Personal Trainer.  Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.

This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session!  Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good.  In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.

There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being.  We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment.  It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.

womb of bali love

 

Ego & Silence meet… What happens?

When Ego and Silence meet, magical occurrences can happen.

Parts of ourselves become present in our minds eye, we may never have had the pleasure of meeting before.

Much like how our Apps hum along in the background of our smart phones, so too do these parts of ourselves, our ego.

They use energy subconsciously, they have been magnetizing your very life experiences.  Creating it, drawing situations closer & closer.
To create the very moment.  This very moment… in Silence where you shall meet it.

This is the personal development path.  To come to know yourself, to meet your untruth, to pave the way for THE truth, the truth of who you really are in the world.

So as you meet your yourself, your hidden subconscious, you receive the opportunity to meet who has been running the show. ¬†Your monkey mind creator ‚Äď if you will.

They may not be pretty, but these separated elements of your psyche, created by experiences in life, during developmental stages;
Infant, Toddler, Adolescent, Teenage – pivitol moments that bonded themselves in our cellular memory.
Or perhaps deeper, older?  Past Life, Generational Contracts, In Utereo… Who’s to say?

But you are here.  You are brave.  Courageous.

You are meeting YOU.  Who you are manifest in the world.

Your journey.

All humans are seekers.  Seeking our truth.  From truth, we can make conscious choice.  Choices in life, choices aligned to our greater good.  Your greater good.

There is infinite wisdom connecting with your magnetic subconscious.  It knows, even if your mind does not understand.

You can feel it.

And so, you know…

 

+ Before we meet these hidden parts of ourselves, we don’t even know they exist. ¬†They operate subconsciously, behind the scenes, but driving us. ¬†It is not until we are in Silence, or triggered by an external person or experience, that they arise to the surface.
+ If you need support in recognizing behaviors you know are not working for you.
Email or Message Heidi at www.heidifirth.com

meeting parts of your ego

Create Change in the World

To create change in the world, I write for me.  To connect with a story from my soul.
To give my soul a purpose.  I like the idea of having no agenda.

There is so much freedom in no agenda.
The same goes for other areas in life.

When we have no agenda in everything we are free.
Free to be, do, say anything because its affect doesn’t matter.

All that matters is the moment and how we are in the moment.
Because the next doesn’t exist.

Not yet.
Not ever.

There is just this moment now.

An expression of who we are in this moment can only be who we are.  Peace within is the very space we crave.
There is no peace without ourselves first and foremost.

We all long for quiet sanctuary.
Free from mind confines, and tasks, and to do’s.

A moments rest if only for a moment can be peace enough to fulfill desires.

But, what if desires are not fulfilled?
What if longing and a pull forward is where our minds are focused?
What if we are not living a now based life style?
Where are we then?
Where are we existing?

Life is full of experience.
PAST.  PRESENT.  FUTURE.
All are experiences of our humanness.

Learning where and how to work within these can be a key tool to navigate our minds.

Such power tools of destruction they can be if not used respectfully.  Give space to unknowns and dissolve the illusion of control with our mind-work.
When ‚Äėout of control‚Äô is present we need presence.
The dance of polarities.

Such is life.

If there was one without the other, there would be collapse.
If suddenly opposite ends merges ‚Äď then what?

An introspective BOOM!

Who knows?

The world will change as we on an individual level accept our personal change.

I wish for others to align to their path as and when they are meant to, this, is what I am in a hurry for!
But, this is agenda?

Let us really connect to our inner primate.
Let us truly align to that which brought us here, here to this incredible planet.

Go can go Paleo & eat your grass feed cow, sure.
Please do.

But tell me, would you messy your hands with the blood shed to do so?
This is your primal-ness.

Connect in with that before you preach to the masses about how & where to eat.

Talk to your farmer.
What is their names?
How were they raised?
What is their connection to the land?
Their tribe?
The spirits?
All land has depth.
A Story.
The spirits know this.

Look between the cracks.
The stories we have created about what is right & wrong.

We need to ask deeper, real questions, about what is right for us.
The land.
The planet and great well-being.

It is no longer ok, to accept what we are taught.
For what we are taught does not come from our own guidance.

Our inner guidance knows.
It couldn’t not.

You arrived here knowing this, but somehow forgetting.
Align.  Connect.  Breathe, and give space and the truth will shine through.

It will fill the space and shift the darkness and anything that no longer serves.  create change in the world

how I write… words from thin air…

I love to write, and lately, slowly, I’ve been putting my pen to paper with nothing more in my head than perhaps the first sentence.

Sometimes the words make sense, sometimes they don’t. ¬†I’m allowing myself to just run with it and have fun with judgement.

I share last nights play below, just for fun.

“Words come streaming from my pen,
Some days I wonder if they will end.
For right now I will continue
But knowing forever is the only menu, I will write from, for words like food,
I will continue to devour
There is no fullness to their power
I am in love with words
and the feeling is mutual

They have to much to give, to share, to live
Their mystery will move like full rivers
rich, lush, full, raging
Who knows the current that they will journey
Not them, not the writer, nor the paper
They appear as clouds, fluffy without definition
Can be read like perspective, changing in an instant
Appear like a memory, not quiet, not even.
Showing qualities not akin to anything alike

They are a trickster, running, hiding, playing
When caught can change shape into nothing, as they were
Illusive, mysterious, intriguing, wonderous
How long they might stay – who knows?
In a moment gone.  A game can be over.

Childlike is the writer awaiting his next turn
Waiting, waiting, A solo player stands, awaiting an opponent, movement, a friend?
A somebody to share in this magic…
is it shareable?
Or is it a gift for the player, who chooses to delve,
Into the mystery, the magic that are words?
Who knows?  The words do.
Do they invite you to play?
To get lost in their magic, for another day…”

My experience with Landmark & why I’ve come home to NZ

So I’m in New Zealand after a whirlwind of events sees me here.

About a week ago, I returned home to Victoria BC, after spending a weekend in Vancouver attending a 5 day course in the name in The Landmark Forum.

To my knowledge, millions of people around the world have participated in this course, so you may have even heard of it?

Working for lululemon athletica, it is something that every employee gains the opportunity to attend as it is seen as something of value for one’s personal development. Chip Wilson, founder of lululemon took away grand insights into the way he was as a person, which then affected how he ran his company. Since then, lululemon employees across the globe get to experience this course after having worked for the company for 8 months.

Lets cut to the chase. I was pretty curious about what this was going to offer me. After having completed 2 intensive diplomas ‚Äď each 2-4 years in duration to complete, one in Transformational Life Coaching & the other in Energy Healing ‚Äď I knew I couldn’t and didn’t know it all, but was naturally curious – what would this course offer me?

Landmark breaks life down into a really simple structure, which make you reflect on yourself. It invites you to look at all the stories you’ve created, which have made up your life, and ask yourself ‚Äúwhat is really real here‚ÄĚ?

I got this part. I’ve been self reflecting for a good 10 years now, and know myself pretty thoroughly. But this method that they were teaching, was just so bang on, that one had to ask, well, what really IS real?

I have come to know that I am Heidi. Maybe not from this planet, maybe from some other light galaxy, incarnated into a human form in this lifetime to support people waking up to who they are. I appear light, bright, happy & personable. My purpose in life is to show others that they are their own gurus, their own healers so to speak. I knew that heading into this course.

Coming out of it on Tuesday night. I was absolutely that light being. Feeling like I could inspire change with a single conversation. Feeling like I was a world changer. Which isn’t a terrible thing, however that power can contain ego if one is not to careful. Posting on social media¬†like a show off, running around your day like a mad fool, touching and inspiring all who subconsciously call for your help.

I returned to work on Wednesday, and was floating like a newly awakened being. ¬†I initiated very real conversations everywhere I stepped. A guest would comment on her weight, and I wouldn’t hesitate to get into the nitty gritty of what was happening and have her share what was in her way. You begin to notice how random strangers will drop the tinniest of hints which are a cry for help. They may not be aware of it, but to the listening ears, you hear every word & tone.

I had a short shift that day where I felt like I was on fire. ¬†Chatting to colleagues and guests, left right and centre. Stirring up change everywhere I went & with every conversation. I respected those who didn’t engage in conversation, and those that did – held the conversation as long as invited by them. ¬†It all felt very free flowing and intuitive. ¬†My lunch break rolled around and I suddenly wasn’t feeling well. I actually felt like I was going to die. Intense I know! So I called Neil and asked him to pick me up as this was how I was feeling.
> I won’t elaborate on this story & feeling of dying just yet. It leads into another existential story, ‚Äď I’ll share it another time, or save this for myself.

Fast forward to the next few days. What goes up, must come down. There is a balance to life, a polarity to everything. Hot/Cold, Light/Dark, Happy/Sad ‚Äď you get it…

With such an inspired high, there had to be the equivalent low. What I unknowingly had tapped into were memories from my past. My early childhood past. Now these are not horrible by any means. But lets just remind ourselves here, how does a child react when they are upset? What if he/she doesn’t get their own way? They throw a tantrum right? They express their anguish fully without hesitation! Lets just leave that example a seed of what was to come.

About 2-3 days of exploding like a child. Anger, Fear, Frustration, Sadness, Grief… No ego restrictions on releasing the ‘pain’ of my childhood. I didn’t know what was happening, and neither did my dear partner Neil.

He had come to his wits end with my behavior, and didn’t know what to do with me. He was scared & frightened – and understandingly so. ¬†He’d spoken to his friends and they advised him to simply take me to the nearest hospital ‚Äď get me dosed up on medication.

Neil knew I wouldn’t want that, so swallowed his pride (I imagine?) and called my Mum at home in NZ. Fast forward this part of the story, and here I am, with Neil & Mum, in Te Awamutu, New Zealand.

They have both been super worried about me, and want to know tangible results about why I acted out of character, so yesterday took me to a local Dr who listened to this story. He sent me for blood tests, in which the results should come through tomorrow some time.

There are so many other parts to this story which I will share in time, if the time is right.

Parts where I could hear various people, living & passed over, speaking through Neil to me. Lucid dream states where I saw various Spirit Animals show up to support the release of our pain. Even in awake states, various animals showed up to help us move through stuff. Animals such as Squirrels, Raccoons, Ravens, Dogs, a marvelous spider who weaved his magical web to protect our home, and even a Cougar making itself seen throughout Victoria that weekend.

I thought I was a shaman, moving various rocks and such around my home, orchestrating a change in the world, and a healing of the planet. I chanted, sang, drummed and played my Spirit Flute as needed, and heard the neighbors drum & tap in support of something they’d long wished for. I dreamt that I was one of 4 shamans overseen by one head shaman who would eventually invite us to his home in California to discuss these dreams & experiences, and go through an initiation process.

It has been a wild ride, and that description doesn’t even cut it.

The human brain is wild and mysterious, and after this experience, I really don’t think it should be pushed the way that it was at Landmark. I am speaking for myself exclusively. I cannot speak for others.

My takeaway from this, is DO NOT hurry your personal development! Be gentle, be compassionate, be nurturing, be LOVING. LOVE yourself as you would love another, how you would want to be loved in the world. Be that & that is all that you need to be. LOVE.

As a side note here; if you are experiencing any challenges based on dealing with your past, please reach out to me for support.  I understand how confusing it can be & how those around you may not understand.  I am available via Skype & Email at this stage.  heidi.firth | heidi.firth11@gmail.com

My experience at The Landmark Forum

Why I question EVERYTHING!

For the love of god!

Question EVERYTHING!

A few conversations have popped up at work recently where I hear people answer;

“they said we can’t”
“we’re not allowed too”, or variations of these sentences.

I always like to reply back to this statement with;

“why?”
“who is ‘they’?”
“what is the reason?”

Working within a company who values Entrepreneurship – I don’t hear entrepreneurship within these words.

I very rarely use this word to describe someone, unless they are a truly awakened individual, inspiring change and walking their talk – leading by example.

I believe one who is, to be a free thinker, one who lives outside the box, one who doesn’t conform to the norm, who makes their own rules as they go and is not afraid of what anybody else thinks about what they do. ¬†They stand out from the crowd, they will be the leader out in front – making the noise – pissing others off – or raising the crowd to cheers!

I guess why I’m bring this topic up, is I am finding myself beginning to think like this now. ¬†I question everything, and agree with very little these days. ¬†I am not so quick to agree for the sake of being pleasant and keeping the boat afloat, I am becoming more and more comfortable with disagreeing and expressing my view on why I don’t agree.

I have been finding it interesting, observing myself standing out more & more, shining my sense of freedom for being able to chose.  I still feel I have some final shackles to shake, but the light is at the end of the tunnel of this awakening journey РI can see it.  It is in the form of Bali Рin one months time.

This is THE awakening process – awakening to our freedom and free thought. ¬†There are conspiracy theories of mind control through the media, food & every other means. ¬†Our senses have been dormant for centuries and now with the awakening of souls across the globe, there is a grand shift concurring. ¬†There is no denying it. ¬†It is seen in Wayne Dyers’ Movie – The Shift, Blogs & You Tube videos across the internet, social media feeds – books, banners, posters, serendipitous moments.

The information is available to all who are ready.  It only takes a simple question, to align your intention to attract in the very tools that you need.

To question anything in life, paves way for a fork in our road. ¬†Keep taking the path you’ve always taken, and remain safe, comfortably uncomfortable. ¬†Or take the new path, that is unwritten, unexplored, diving deep into the depths of your soul & purpose. ¬†Come head to head with your fears that mask your greatest gifts and deepest desires. ¬†Live a life so fulfilling you cannot even begin to imagine it!

I took that turn, down the unknown path.  It has been dark, uncomfortable and confronting.  Though there is a knowing in my heart & soul that it is RIGHT.  Nothing can shake this.  I know that I am ploughing my way through the debris that has kept this path hidden, but in time, the light will shine through, brighter than it has every shone before.

I might call this Bali, as my trip is booked & I am off to be embraced by her again, but this is merely just the beginning!

I will be stepping forth into the unknown, jumping with both feet and arms into the air, calling upon the whole universe to catch me and carry me forward.  I co-create this life with its magic, and know that I have been creativity orchestrated to shine my light, inspiring others to follow.  My life & its design is unique and like no other.  I have a perfect set of circumstances that will support others to open to the gifts within theirs.

As I have written before;

“The journey inward may not be a comfortable one, but it sure beats being unhappy, and is a heck of a lot more soul satisfying.”

 

Not having a Dad has become my greatest gift

Neils’ Dad has been here visiting for the weekend. ¬†He lives in Campellville, Ontario.

I’ve met him twice before when Neil & I visited for Christmas & the packing down of his Mothers’ Condo in Milton.

He’s a lovely man, a real Dad type. ¬†I guess what other type is there really? ¬†I think I mean that he’s what I imagined a Dad to be like?

I never met my Dad, or ever had a Dad figure in my life.

I’ve learnt that it’s no small thing to have never met your Father, whether you’re a Male or a Female. ¬†Both positions can leave a firm imprint on any Adult during their childhood. ¬†For me, I didn’t know that not having a Father was a different way to grow up, until I got to school. ¬†I succinctly remember being in the playground at 5 years of age, and all the other kids were talking about their Dads. ¬†One of them asked me about mine, I replied “I don’t have one.” ¬†In that moment, at my tender age of 5, I felt a distinct separation from me and them, the other kids. ¬†I took on that there must been something wrong with me, for me to not have a Dad. ¬†Huge Moment. ¬†Huge belief set in place.

That untrue belief, from my innocent mind, set the scene for my life. ¬†“There must be something wrong with me.”

I went on to create a life that set me apart from the rest.  Thinking that I was different from others.

I believe that this incident + running from the pain of Sexual Abuse, has seen me roam the world in search of myself. I wouldn’t have said it at the time, but I guess I was seeking something outside of myself, only to be brought back to myself. ¬†Much like The Alchemist story. ¬†At 20 years old,¬†I sure as hell wasn’t ready to look within. ¬†Years of establishing this belief had become my truth.
I had inner dialogues running of; I’m not worthy, there’s something wrong with me, and nobody loves me.

I ran to binge drinking, crazy partying, pill popping… this eventually turned into obsessive exercise/gym habits, a body building competition, & elimination diets & restrictive eating. ¬†I eventually crashed. ¬†This coincided with delving into myself during a Vision Quest that was a part of my Life Coaching Diploma. ¬†I landed depressed for 2.5 years and had no where to turn, but to myself. ¬†Those days were extremely dark & tough going – I didn’t know if I was going to make it through. ¬†I would dream of not being here, not being a burden to anyone. Though they were shit, I wouldn’t take them back. ¬†I’m a richer, loving, more compassionate person because of coming back to myself.

Not all absent Dad stories are the same.  This one is mine.  It has seen me on a journey of transformation.  Of coming back to who I innately am.  This is all there is.  To know who you are at your core is priceless.  I feel like I have finally arrived at a place where I am me.  Who I was born to be in this world.  I am connected to Source daily & am guided, step by step to take my path of purpose.  I need nothing else.

I now do not feel sad for the Father I never knew, I don’t feel angry towards Steve for what he did. ¬†I look at the upbringing I had with deep gratitude. ¬†I remember my Life Coach said that one day I would be grateful for¬†my pain, and see it as a gift. ¬†I understood it intellectually then, but now feel it as truth.

The anger & pain that I held onto, unconsciously, for years has been greatly released.  I am free from digestive issues, I am free from anxiety & fear based ways of being.  I am free to make decisions lead by my heart and choose a life of freedom.

There is no greater gift than FREEDOM!!  Freedom has been my life mantra, now I feel I embody it, rather than chase it.  Ah ho!

Should I meet my Father
Neil & his Dad

Canada vs Australia vs Bali and The Universal Plan

Summer is slowly on her way out, and Fall is beginning to make his way onto the scene.

It is almost without warning that the long hot days have disappeared, being replaced with continual rain & drizzle.

I feel ripped off!

All the Victorian Canadians are talking about what an awesome Summer it has been, and that we’ve been really lucky.

I don’t share their perspective.

I am grateful, don’t get me wrong. ¬†But I have been spoilt. ¬†Spoilt with the long HOT Summers that Sydney Australia knows too well, and I know full well the anticipation they are feeling right now as they¬†enter their Spring – such enthusiasm to be shedding the brief warm layers they’ve worn over their short cool spell.

Can you tell I miss Australia?

I miss the land down under with its Meat Pies, Vegemite Sandwiches, continual hot hot Summers and warm crystal oceans. ¬†Warm Oceans – now there’s a foreign concept to this side of the planet. ¬†I was never a water baby, but now that that privilege has been removed from me this Summer, I suddenly want to be!

Memories and visions of Australia have been dancing through my minds eye this last week. Rising alongside of the grief I mentioned in my last blog post here. ¬†I can’t tell what this all means. ¬†Part of me thinks I am grieving, letting go of the attachment I have to such a rich sun drenched land. ¬†The other part wonders if this is a sign that I should return?

I know that I am undertaking a new beginning in my life right now.  I know that I am ready to make a home and prepare for work that I need to do in the world.  But right now, the only home that I know is the one within.  The one that I have been fighting to come back to, stronger and stronger everyday, since I embarked on my inner journey in 2005.  Some 10 years ago.

This isn’t a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. ¬†In fact its a fantastic thing! ¬†To know that within you is your home, what can really compare to that? ¬†To feel comfortable in your own skin, wherever you go. ¬†Much like a snail with its house on its back, so are we, with our homes in our hearts. ¬†It seems the further and further we are from ourselves, the more we accumulate in our environments, and the closer and more connected we are to our hearts, the less we need in our environments.

Imagine if we all came from our hearts Рhow different the world would be.  Not just from a materialistic viewpoint, but literally living from our hearts Рbeing guided by that which knows our path, each and every moment, of every day.

See this is the thing. ¬†My content. ¬†My story that I am sharing to you, really doesn’t matter. ¬†Its simply that, a story. One that my head, my ego has created to entertain my mind, to give it something to do, because if it doesn’t have something to do, then what is there? ¬†Space. ¬†Big ole SPACE. ¬†Space for the Universe to drop right on in with greater insights and meaning than the mind can fathom.

I love reminding myself of this truth.  As it reminds me that there is something far bigger than what we think we are doing.  It reminds me that I am supported beyond measure, that there is a grand plan for me, and if I can just step out of the way, I will be shown this plan, step by step.

I have these words within my meditation shrine;

“What you can plan is to small for you to live”

It reminds me there are far greater things that I am destined for, things that I cannot even fathom!  Which is so freaken exciting!

And so my story, the one that I began writing previously to these words, reads;
“I feel split between being¬†in Canada where my cute boy is, setting up our home & creating a family & life. ¬†Returning to Sydney where I know the sand is warm, golden & the blue skies go on for days. ¬†Travelling to Bali to embark on a type of quest, jump off the metaphorical cliff, and begin to make tracks in the direction of the horizon. ¬†All are beautiful options, and all intrigue and excite me. ¬†Is it possible to have my cake and eat it too? ¬†I am discovering that this is true and absolutely possible, however right now, I feel this split.”

This is my story.  The story my head is filling itself with.  The distraction from the space within that is ready, receptive to its next command from the grand Universe.  I love words.  I love stories.  They are interesting.  They are life.  But when there is work to do, a purpose, the command becomes a greater excitement, fulfillment than the stories we create, share and elaborate on.

Manly Beach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In case you were wondering what answer landed in the space…

BALI! ¬†Here I come…

What my coughing really means..

My life externally, is slowing beginning to change, and it is a result of me changing on the inside.

It has been a simple perspective shift that has allowed me to see my external environment differently.

I am finding that I have a deeper gratitude for what already exists. ¬†I knew I needed to move closer towards this. ¬†I could view it while I was in the chaos and destruction of change. ¬†My head would remind me that I needed deeper gratitude. ¬†I could see that I wasn’t giving thanks to all that I have present in my life. ¬†I was merely looking at what I didn’t have, or what I wanted to change.

For example, Neil gives me pretty much anything I want. ¬†I’m not a materialistic person by any means, so its not like I go shopping on his Credit Card. ¬†But I know, if I want anything, I could ask him, and he’d almost give it to me.

He pays the mortgage, he pays the utilities, he pays for the greater percentage of food, all meals out, gas for the car I drive. ¬†He pretty much covers it all. ¬†And here’s me – saying – “I’m not happy”. ¬†Whilst from the outside looking in, one can judge me to be spoilt, lucky, what do I have to be unhappy about, ‘hard done by – as Neil once said. ¬†And yes, I would agree with you. ¬†But it is also VERY important to not undermine, the importance of acknowledging how we feel, despite our environments.

Once upon a time, I had a female client when I was a Personal Trainer. ¬†I viewed her as having the world. ¬†She was a well educated psychologist. ¬†Her husband was a world renowned Author, earning money beyond what most would know, and she was well taken care of. ¬†She owned a Mini Cooper, she shopped regularly at lululemon and other high end stores. ¬†She practiced Yoga daily, had a wealth of friends and family, and basically lived this charmed life, by my judgement. ¬†But little did I know, she wasn’t happy. ¬†Some years later I learnt that tragically, she took her own life. She’d become depressed and felt she was a burden on her husband and those loved ones around her.

This story is a prime example of how we can so easily negate how we are feeling deep down, despite our personal life circumstances.

I believe one of the challenges of our time, is living in this materialistic world, where we are buying more and more things, to fill the void within us.  We pass our emotions off, saying #firstworldproblems, and compare what we have to Joe Bloggs down the road, reminding ourselves we have more than most.  Which may be true, but we fail to acknowledge that deep yearning within us, that needs our attention dearly.

Without our attention, we continue to fill our god made hole with god knows what – to quote my counselling teacher – Deborah Womack.

I have been listening to Dr Wayne Dyer speak all morning – and if you’re not aware of his teachings, best you introduce yourself to him. ¬†Sadly he left his body last week, moving on to his next adventure – which he was very excited about. ¬†He has left a legacy behind him, so you can still awaken your soul by listening, watching. ¬†Wayne spent one year, practicing detachment. ¬†Letting go of those material things in his life, that took him further away from himself.

He says “we enter this life with nothing, NoThing, and we leave with nothing, NoThing”.

Notice when we let go of our favorite possessions, food or other, how we might feel.  We can distract ourselves SO greatly by focusing on items outside of ourselves.

So to come back to what I was saying, I could distract myself by¬†looking at my external situation; Neil supports my life, and pays for most of my expenses, and use my ego to make myself feel temporarily better, or I can acknowledge how I’m really feeling underlying this, and explore, what is the real reason I am unhappy?

This was the journey I chose to make.

I have been¬†acknowledging my sadness, which turned into grief, which for me, has turned into a sore throat, and coughing at night. ¬†When we don’t release our emotions completely,¬†¬†they get trapped in our bodies, and we unconsciously chose to release them that way, ie – this cold I have created.

If we all began to turn our attention inwards, to that inner calling, those deep desires, the language of the soul, we would embark of the greatest journey to date.  We would connect with something greater than ourselves, and flow in our purpose of life, without effort, with grace & divinity.

It may start with a choice to detach from your addictions and material desires, it may start with a meditation practice.  However you choose to start.  Start.

No big things are created without one small step towards it.

Dr Wayne Dyer

How to Drive Your Human Vehicle…

What does my soul wish to share today?

On matters of the heart & love.

Love & Expansion are all that exist in the realm of the soul, there is not much more.  So as humans to be connected too & aware of these, is the gateway for greater joy in ones life!

As humans we spend to much time worrying about matters of the head, and wondering where are we going, what are we doing, how are we going to do this, that or the other, but the heart knows everything that he needs to know to take us to all these life experiences and questions that our head asks.

The head & the heart might seem separate, but they share their own unique partnership.  One could not operate without the other, without each other, neither would have the experiences that they wish for.  And so, they need to communicate with each other to create.

Your life is a creation of your soul.  Born through your head & your heart.  It is imprinted onto your soul for this lifetime.  You could say that the blueprint is within your soul.  So if we know this, then surrender to our hearts leading us, knowing that they guide us constantly, there really can be nothing, NO-THING to fear.

It is when we allow our conditioned Ego, its wayward adventures of untruth, that we loose the key to drive our human vessel.  The human mind is key, much like the key to your car.  It starts the ignition & gets the engine running.  Our minds are the key to get our hearts running, our body is the vehicle, like the body of your cars vehicle.

So if a healthy mind is where it all begins, how do we surrender to this, to be driven through this wondrous life?

Meditation.

Your mind is like a computer hard drive that you have had since birth. ¬†Storing all thoughts, ideas, beliefs, memories, concepts, anything that you’ve seen, heard and thought of. ¬†You have complete access to everything within it! However your mind will continue to use this past information for the present and your future life, attempting to paint your reality, your life, with what it already knows.

But how could it already know what is to come?  It cannot possibly know what the soul has written.

And so, meditation is the way to clear these previously ingrained ideas, concepts, beliefs and thoughts.  Think of it as your daily garbage collection.  Taking out what is not needed each day.  Creating space in your coconut for new ideas to flow forth from the great old Universe!  You are in co-creation with your heart and the Universe in each and every moment.  You mind just needs to be receptive to receive these ideas.

So when we are ready to be open to receive, we will be ready to move forth in divine flow with the creator and all there is, to create a life far beyond what our minds can conceive.  We each have our own paths to curve and create through this tapestry of life.  They are joyous & fulfilling, beyond our wildest dreams and available to us right now, In this moment, the next moment, and each and every moment for the rest of our days.

It is the dance of being human, a human experience unlike any other. ¬†This is why you choose to come here, to experience aspects of yourself that you couldn’t in your light form.

To weave the web of life and play in the mystery of creation.