A story for you my sister…

A reoccurring theme has been emerging in my dreams for some years now.

I had another last night, and when I awoke, spent some time reflecting on it.

It connects to an experience I had during my teenage years.

In these years, it involves my friends not inviting me to join them for a spa at one of our guy friends houses’. ¬†We were staying/living together at the time, and after dinner, everyone quietly packed up & left without so much as a see you later.

I found myself alone within the house wondering Рwhat had I done?  Why had I not been invited?  I was devastated!

Mum was out of town at the time, hence the three of us living together during this time. ¬†Mum had ‘conveniently’ changed the locks on our family home, so I couldn’t access it while they were gone. ¬†I still called her & told her what had happened, and she organised for me to move into her friends’ home until she returned.

So I packed up my things and moved in with Diane. ¬†I didn’t speak to my ‘friends’ for the next couple of years.
Bam. Done. ¬†What had I done? ¬†Till this day I still don’t know what happened?

The theme of this experience, repeats itself in my dreams, and has done for years.  The devastation of not being invited to hang with my so called friends.  Rejection, Devastation & Hurt.  So when the dream arose again this morning I begun to question it some more.

How do I really feel about what happened back then?
– Upset

Where do I feel ‘upset’ in my body?
– My heart

Am I ready to let this pain go?
– Yes

What do I need in order to do that?
– Let go

At the moment, when thinking about how I felt during this, it feels almost as real as the day it happened. ¬†It’s like I could pick up the phone & call these girls and ask them why? ¬†If it wasn’t nearly 20 years later!

It got me thinking. ¬†What is their experience of this memory? ¬†What was going on for them to practice such cruel behavior? ¬†Did they even consider their behavior? ¬†There are different sides to every story. ¬†If this is mine, what was/is theirs’? ¬†Curious.

It is only now with my open perspective that I can see the full glass, as opposed to the narrow view I saw back then. ¬†I still hold/held (moving into past tense) pain for the incident, I’m human, and this is my healing. ¬†However there is always a greater perspective at play. ¬†I may, or may not ever get to know it, but life can be funny that way. ¬†Like puzzle pieces fitting together, sometime it might not fit together until a riper age of grace.

I see this puzzle piece as being a small part of the whole, in regards to my healing as a female. ¬†I still get menstrual cramps, and have as long as I can remember. ¬†I know that it is NOT NORMAL, yet society dictates that it is very normal for woman to get cramps. ¬†I’m sorry – but I call Bull Shit!

Bull Shit to it being normal, that woman accept something as natural as the ebb and flow of nature, is painful!

Bull Shit to aches that land some woman bed ridden for days!

I call BULL SHIT!

I believe as women, we have lost of primal ways.  We have suppressed them SO deep within us, that we actually have no memory or connection to what they are anymore.

I believe that we suffer in aloneness, so fearful to show our vulnerability to other woman, for fear of judgement & rejection.

Yet I believe that each and everyone of us, feels a deep pain within us, that is yearning for expression, that is yearning to be heard & received by other woman.

I know I feel alone in mine.  There have been times that I have wailed into my pillow for humanity Рthe pain of it all. The pain of being a woman, the pain of feeling such emotions that cannot be explained.  The pain of not being understood by your mate Рwho looks at you baffled.

Why are we not tearing down these walls that separate us?  We sincerely have work to do.  To not only heal ourselves, but our generational lineage AND the planet РMOTHER EARTH herself!

WE have WORK WILD WOMAN!

And so we must address our deepest yearnings, our deepest emotions and raw selves.

WE must address our dreams, our memories, our aches and our pains.

We must hold our sisters as they divulge their truth, setting them & ourselves free from our shackles.

Many a goddess circle is arriving even online during these times.  There are so many opportunities for support if we are open, courageous & vulnerable to seek it.

I know that it is scary, god knows that I know. ¬†But I’m tired of doing this on my own. ¬†I’m ready for something new. I’m ready to love & to receive that same love.

I’m ready to let my guard down – so that you dear sister can see me, and I can see you.

 

 

A conversation with my menstrual cramps…

This month, today actually.  I am having particularly strong menstrual pains.

I decided to apply my technique (that I shared in a previous Facebook post) about tuning in and asking it what it needs.

Sounds almost crazy to something that one is almost accustomed to having each month?

Still I KNOW that as a Woman, I am NOT meant to be feeling these intense pains each month.

I thought about describing the feeling to someone who didn’t understand what they felt like, and it goes a little something like;

“It feels as though someone has grabbed a hold of my¬†uterus through my pelvis, also grabbing my lower spine while they’re in there, and is attempting to pull them both out through my pelvis,¬†constantly. ¬†YEEEEOUCH!

Sounds delightful doesn’t it?!

NO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is the RAGE that I feel at this feeling!

A PRIMAL GUT WRENCHING SCREAM…..

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

How on Earth, Where on Earth can I head to release this primal rage inside of me!

I am sitting here right now, in front of my computer, neatly typing about such ravaged words….

There is an absolute mismatch!  An incongruency in action.

This past week, I have tapped into a shift I am processing at present.

It is one that stems far deeper than my individual wounding, and drops into centuries of womanly wounding. ¬†I don’t fully understand it, and how could I if I, my body is not centuries old. ¬†But my Spirit is. ¬†My Spirit tells the story of the centuries of woman’s pain. ¬†My Spirit knows at its core what needs to heal, and I feel strongly, I feel it communicating to me, preparing me to let go and commence healing for something far deeper than I will ever understand.

I was reflecting on this topic last night and wondering how the HELL would I be able to discuss such a thing.  I mean if this is what I am called to write about, to talk about, how can I, who has no knowledge of this start.

Spirit knows.

Spirit always knows.

And so, I am going to write the words that I receive from Spirit, in answer to the questions I ask.

Q: ¬†What is it that I need to acknowledge about the Woman’s Wound?

A:  It is time to burst open with love for the divine feminine that has been repressed for far to long.

Q:  How do I do this?

A:  By doing what you are doing now.  Acknowledging that it exists and bringing light to the dark that has been.

Q:  OK, and then?

A:  And then you can share with your tribes of women who also experience deep pain within them and their families of origin.

Q:  What will I say in my words?

A:  You say what is true in your heart.  What is real for you in this moment.  Share you raw emotions, your hurt , pain and suffering for having felt your divine feminine suppressed.

OK…

Q: (to myself) What has it been like for me, Heidi, to have my divine feminine repressed?

I feel curled, contracted, bundled, shackled, leased, un wild, tamed… like a caged lioness who has been held captive, unable to hunt for her pride. I feel repressed energy, sadness and grief, dark, the sunrise before it has risen, ready to rise, but time standing still. ¬†A scream with no voice, unheard and alone. ¬†Alone, unattached, small, a flower bud before it has blossomed with all the pressure building to bust and burst its beauty, an air bubble beneath water beaming towards the surface, but just beneath the surface… all these¬†feelings and MORE…. just waiting, longing, wanting to be FREE!

Wow…. OK

Soul speaks, listen.

It is time.  Perhaps it IS the time of the WOLF?