7 takeaways I’ve learnt from living in Bali

Living in Bali is a common conversation topic had frequently amongst friends. We often share similar themes for living on this magical island of the gods.

There are however exceptions to these themes, as there are different pockets of people who live here.  All of which will experience Bali in their own magical way.  But these themes appear to be the generic topics I experience with my network.

Perhaps I’ll break it down;

You come to Bali to heal, for your own personal journey
It’s not called the island of the gods for nothing.  There is a palpable energy here than is felt by all, and if you don’t feel it, you will on a deeper subconscious level.

Ubud, Bali is an epicenter for healing.  From Yoga, to Meditation, to Traditional Balinese Healers, Gong Sessions, Sound Therapy, Massage, Water Temples, Ecstatic Dance Parties, to sitting in silence at a silent retreat.  Bali has an abundance of modalities to welcome all spiritual seekers back to their truth.
Whether we know this is why we are here or not, there is a reason why people come to Bali.

I personally believe deep down we are lost, trying to find our way back home, the home within ourselves.  We’ve lost connection with our land, our people, our tribe.  Sure we call it backpacking or holidaying, I think we are lost and trying to find our way home in some way.  Bali facilitates that.  With it’s wild nature, and beautiful heart-centered people, it shows us a simpler way of living.  Bali brings us back to ourselves gently, or not so gently depending upon how you receive her guidance.

You are faced with your money issues, your families money issues and your generational money issues
Now this one I am speaking for myself and some of my friends who share the same story.  This isn’t everyone’s truth and I’m aware that I don’t wish for this to become my truth, but it is mega interesting that many people struggle here.

For one, working here is illegal, so jobs are few, and working online can be limited.  Many digital nomads set themselves up in co-working spaces.  That’s one pocket of individuals I’m not tapped into.  I did think I was going to go down this road, and 9 months ago signed up to an online Digital Marketing company.  I was determined and positive that this was aligned to me and what I was bringing into the world, but as I got deeper and deeper into the online lessons, I learnt that it moved me further and further away from my values and what I wanted to bring to the world.

There are many layers of conditioning that I’ve needed to disassemble to teach me I can do the work I value in the world, and make money.  This is a whole topic unto itself I could write a separate blog on.
I’ve had to learn to shift from a fear based way of living, into a heart centered.  In the west we have our jobs, our 9-5, our salary and benefits.  These are great and supportive and enable us to build the lives we have, BUT, are these jobs 100% the creation of ours souls desire?  Chances are if you were to break it down, it likely wouldn’t be.  You might find it to be the cultivation of your fears, driving you to the creation of the cushy supportive job that gives you the run off of stuff and things that makes you feel a certain way.  This isn’t bad or wrong, it’s just conditioning.  Until we begin to question, we only know what we only know.

I’ve had to face the harsh discomfort of having nothing.  No money, no stuff, no things, peeling away all the layers of built up fear, face the underlying drivers behind why I’ve done what I’ve done, to build a new foundation to move into the world with.  That shits not easy, and it’s not for everyone, but it’s something that my soul guided me to undergo.

I’m not bound by interest rates, home loans, expensive assets, expensive toys, rents and monthly internet, netflix or electricity bills.  I’ve found freedom.  I know I am but one person, not a family, but these money lessons have been the hugest to date.

I now see through the cracks of society and how it’s all one massive orchestrated control fest.  Rats on a never ending wheel of working to live, living to work.  Being educated the value of a career, to earn high wages, to own the nice house and car, losing sight of the real abundance in this lifetime.  The soil, the planet, our health.  Again a whole blog post could be written here.

Completing tasks that are easy at home, are hard as shit to complete here
This is as crazy as it sounds.  Seriously.  It has taken my friend 5 months to create a flyer for her business.  From working with a graphic designer to edit an existing flyer template, to paying her, to getting it to the printers, has been one crazy laughable ride.  The funny thing is, it’s away perfect.  There is a flow, a yin based way of living here.

It’s like you have to throw your intention to the wind, wait like a boomerang for it to return to your thoughts, before moving forward in action towards it.  Try going to the post office for example; something so simple and easy in any other part of the world.  Here, you have to find your available pocket of time to go, navigate the extreme tourist traffic, find a bike park, await your turn – often a good chunk of time, ensure you have your ID, all required items to post and money.  Because this is Bali, chances are, one day you’ll forget your ID, another day, the post office will be closed, and another – you’ll miraculously bump into an old friend you haven’t seen in 5 years whilst on the way, and miss out on making it to the post office before it closes.  Simple things become hard.  And as always, it’s perfect.

Be prepared to let go of any plan you have upon arriving
Have you heard the saying, you get what you need, not what you want?

Well that comes into form here.  Anyone with an agenda should be prepared to let that go ASAP.  There is a natural flow state here.  Things unfold as and when they’re meant to.  We in the west are so conditioned to doing things on our agenda.  Being linear and masculine orientated in doing.  Go here, then here, then here.  You don’t see the Balinese move like this.  They graciously move from A to B, having all the time in the world, for impromptu conversations, connections, basically enjoying life.

Westerners – we’re in a hurry to get to where we’re going.  Our life is predominately in our future existence.  We are rarely ever here.  Bali will teach you to slow down, to enjoy each moment to moment.  If you don’t listen, you’ll receive a lesson that will slow you down.   A late driver, a flat tyre, an accident, slow service – and a million more examples than I can think of.

You will learn to walk with one foot in the physical reality, one foot in the non physical
This has been one of my biggest lessons (haha another one).  I continue to say to my Mum.  “It is SO different living here!”
I’ve had to learn how to trust life more than I ever have before!  I’m the kind of person who budgets, always has enough, puts money aside each week for bills, expenses, holidays, savings etc…
Since living here, all those have been exhausted and any sort of safety net I’d always have, has evaporated.  I’ve had to make decisions to commit to things before I’ve had the money to do so, and needed to trust that the money will come.

I moved into my current home in that manner, I committed to my last visa run the same way.  It’s like having one foot in the tangible, and one foot in the non tangible.

Abraham (Esther Hicks), calls it aligning to your vortex.  Not getting distracted by your here and now reality of what current exists, but focusing on that which you want to manifest and fully knowing in it’s coming into form, irrespective of desired timeline.  It’s a learnt skill I tell you.  One I’d like to think I’m getting better and better at.  It has been a challenge to trust where my money will come from to pay my upcoming visa extension, rent, bike rental, food, but somehow the money comes, maybe not on time, maybe I have to ask a friend, maybe Mum gives me money.  It’s not always a comfortable situation, but it is rich with lessons in receiving, in learning to be vulnerable, learning to trust, and showing up at the drop of a hat when need be.

Anything you need to learn, that you have missed, or choose to miss, will slap you hard in the face
Lessons are a constant, rarely is there a pause in something that needs to be learnt and transformed.  If you don’t get the message, it will repeat until you do.  Bali will work with your built-in programming to give it to you in a way that you’re accustomed.  If you’re used to dealing with things in the physical; a cold, flu, virus, Bali Belly – be sure you’ll find yourself with one of these.

If you’re used to repeating patterns in your daily experience; lovers who aren’t emotionally available, money problems, transport problems, terrible neighbors, you’ll receive the same experiences as if stuck in ground hog day.

If you’re adapt at emotional release, transforming your thoughts – be sure you’ll flow with Bali, and shift lifetimes of patterns in your short or long stay here.

Bali will release you when it’s time to go
When it’s time to leave, you’ll know it.  You’ll hear/feel the call to go somewhere else, and you’ll have no choice but to take action.  I haven’t yet experienced this, but I’ve witnessed it time and time again.  One of my dear sistas has just heard her call.  She’s been here for 9 months, and about 2 weeks ago felt strongly it was time to return to her home soil.  She’s booked her ticket, handed in her resignation and is now putting the call out to rent her home and find a carer for her animals.  She knows she’ll be back.  But for now, it’s time to go.

It’s a funny one this life in Bali.  We are and will always be visitors to this island.  The longer we stay, no change does it make to our status.  We are still simply visitors.  We can learn the language, learn the culture and it’s beautiful customs, but it will not change anything.  We can commit to being here, as I choose to nearly 3 months ago, get a dog, make it our home, but at the end of the day, when Bali says it’s time, it’s time.

I am in constant awe and gratitude for being here in this magical place.  Not a day passes that I don’t think “OMG I’m in Bali!”  As I ride my scooter from A to B, witnessing the beautiful land people (as I have nick named them).  The dark skinned locals who work in the fields next to my home.  Their earth grabbing wide feet, mud to their knees, carrying epic 40kg plus sacks of grass to their home, their cows.  Their toothless smiles and acknowledgement to my tourist Indonesian greetings – “Pagi”, “Yeah yeah” they reply.  The chanting of Gatri Mantra each 6am, 12pm, 6pm.  The smell of incense and offerings on the ground in front of each compound in my gang.  The pack of Bali Dogs hunting for any form of food they can find.  It is all wildly magical, beautiful, raw and real.  I just adore Bali.  What a gift!

living in bali

Life after psychosis

If you know me, or read my posts, you’ll know that some time ago I packed up my life in Sydney, Australia, to follow love and a Canadian calling.

I’ve written about this here.  It was such an adventurous, exciting time in my life with memories that I will cherish forever.

Recently, I’ve started writing more in depth about my experience of what happened during my final week in Canada that saw me wind up home in New Zealand.  I wrote a little about that here.

But this writing is more an attempt to articulate the experience of psychosis.  It’s a word that I’ve heard dabbled around a bit lately, and strangely many people have experienced.  I’ve taken this repetition as a calling to put pen to paper and explore the extremities of this phenomena.

The definition of psychosis;
a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

Yup – I dealt with this for about 5 days before normalizing out thanks to Chinese Medicine.  Neil too had to deal with this, in me.  It’s a scary arse experience to go through.  There is no concept of right or wrong, only an extreme experience one is having and trying to cope and function with.  I have been trying to make sense of this and the ending of our relationship since it happened in October 2015. Parts of it still feel very real, and parts of it I wonder if my brain made up?

I have described my experience to friends as extreme consciousness.  Where my consciousness felt SO expanded, way past any pre-experienced states.  So to feel the extent of what I felt, I don’t think was wrong.  I think it is well within the realm of what humans are capable of.  But to much to fast, invites the mind to create stories to try to cope with what it’s experiencing.  Also unlocking the subconscious, releasing old patterns to transform them into some new.  All filters removed, all pre-existing ways of being melt away allowing for complete and utter transparency.

Like the experience of communicating with multiple ‘people’ through the one person.  While talking to Neil, I felt like I was talking to many different people.  I could distinguish this based on his tone, his mannerisms, his language.  The energy of that person was coming through him.  People from my current reality, like my Mum, to people already past, like Neils Mum, or my Grandad.  With the notion that we all are one – why would an experience like this not be reality?

Writing about it is confronting.  It brings up old memories.  It’s touching on my relationship with Neil yet again.  I feel stormy and emotional just writing about it.

So why write about it?
– I feel like it’s important to bring all uncovered yuckiness to the surface to look at in the light of day.  Sure my relationship might be over on a physical level, but if I am still being activated by old memories and thoughts, its means there’s still residue to clear.  Old emotional baggage to put out with the trash.  I’m sad for the way it ended.  I’m sad that it didn’t resolve.  It feels like a death without a farewell or ceremony.  That shit lingers on in the psyche and energy body until it is cleared, and until it is, it’s like a ghost that will keep coming back to haunt.

So it’s not easy going over old ground again – having a good hard look at a difficult chapter.  But I have to.  I have to so I can continue moving forward, and maybe my writing might be entertaining.  There are definitely some funny parts to it…

…like the story where I thought Andrew and Neil were Men In Black agents, protecting me from the Aliens.  I thought Aliens were trying to kill me and bury me in the big dug out trenches around the condo.  On a real life level, the water pipes were being dug up and replaced, but to me, they were digging my grave.  It was so fucken scary!  Black shiny cars pulling up, (or maybe regular cars?) lingering around and then taking off.  I trusted Neil, and felt like I trusted Andrew – but my phone went missing and I saw Andrew display reptilian tendency’s, so I freaked out!

This Alien energy was that, an energy!  It could jump from person to person and sometimes I would lock Neil out of the house because I was that scared.  I would make him shower immediately to wash away any residue he’d collected from being out in the world.  I would sage the house and set it up with Angelic protection to keep us safe and protected – this was absolutely imperative.

So I’m writing about stories like this and more.

Neil later told me that dealing with me during this week was harder than him dealing with the death of his Mother – ouch.  That boy dropped me off in New Zealand, then went running (flying) back home to Canada, grateful to see the back of me.  Credit to him he packed up the remainder of my belongings and shipped them to New Zealand.  When I packed in Canada for New Zealand, my brain didn’t have the capacity to think forward to what was happening.  I packed my bag thinking New Zealand and then…  I never thought that was it between him and I.

Fast forward 1 year, 4 months as I sit in my little space in the Lodtunduh, Ubud.  I am grateful for the smallest things.  To cook my own food, to hang my clothes, to be warm and dry.  Nothing else really seems to matter than this right now.  Of course the Earth – but that’s another conversation.  Right now my mind can’t seem to stretch to big things.  I’m here.  I’m loving me.  And I’m returning back to a healthy space of love and appreciation for the little things in life.  Life is simple and enjoyable.  Just Molly & Me.

 

life after psychosis

relish the fuck out of it

Since moving into my new digs, I am beginning to feel a special kind of calm, a peace, a super deep appreciation for all things in my world.

Sure, I’m witnessing my ego jump ahead 6 months and want to be somewhere it’s not, *rascally ego*, but I’m in a great position to just observe it, rein it in, and give thanks for exactly where I am.  And there is no place that I’d rather be right now.

I spent the last 6 months, wanting to be exactly where I am, that I’m going to enjoy it!  I’m going to dance in it, relish it and enjoy the fuck out of it, AND I’m also already planting the seeds now for the future creation to come into fruition for the next 6 months!  This is the way life goes.

If we kept focusing on the future we would not appreciate our now, and therefore not appreciate life.  This is it.  Right here, right now as Fatboy Slim would chant.

I feel like I’m reflecting on some deep thoughts, taking stock and preparing for an epic period to come.  Ways of being have been unraveled, and re-configured.  It’s like an upgrade has occurred and is integrating.  How life used to be done, cannot be done that way, that ship has sailed.  It’s like your latest version of Windows (clearly I’m still a PC user), operating on an old computer – there’s no way it could – everything constantly needs an upgrade, not just technology – us also.

I sit in such a space of contentment right now, I find myself sighing happy blissful sighs.  Sighs of just being here.  Nowhere else.  Not desiring anything to be different, but merely having so much appreciation for everything that is.  A very new space to be in, as we have been so programmed to be happy when we have xyz, when all our ducks are in a row.

Sure I could still say, I want xyz, and if I speak in Abraham speak – xyz already exists, it is in my vortex and is already making its’ way to me.  I simply need to stay aligned to it, removing any resistance to it & it will arrive at a time that is not up to me.  Knowing this, feeling into my essence gives me a sense of peace that is constantly available to me, that is, until I forget again.  Which I’m sure I will.

So for me right now – it’s a dance between sighing happy moment sighs, and aligning to what I am drawing into my physical reality and not focusing on what has not yet showed up, which is what we humans often tend to do, focus on the not having.  I know this has been my modus operandum for some time.  Wondering why I have been well equipt with everything I could possibility need, yet having a mentality of lack, re-playing that record over and over again.  I’m done with that programming.  Did you hear me.  Done.  Finished.  Fineto!

Yes, so after this eclipse, this full moon, this menstrual cycle I will have purged, cleansed and released all that is so done in my world.  I am making my way to the end of this very amazing cycle.  I have this theory about life in Bali.  That every Visa cycle represents particular lessons, and that when you leave Bali for a new Visa, holiday or whatever reason you leave Bali for, you return with a whole NEW beginning and a blank canvas right in front of you for the duration of that Visa.  Yes – it is an exciting time indeed.

relish the fuck out of it

2017 & finding my words again

2017 is here, 2016 fades, and I’m learning to find my words again.

For me, 2016 still lingers, like a bad smell that won’t quit.  A reminder of the epic lessons thrown at me.  The relentless pummeling, like being dumped in a massive surf break that appears as endless as an Australian Summer.

Last year was a massive year of endings, lessons, transformations, challenges & every other color in between that.  I was forced to let go of anything and everything I knew to be true, AND, any form of external safety or security I had created.

I found myself living in Bali for the full duration, with a brief trip to Australia for a visa run.  Other than that, it was life in a Silent Retreat for 8.5 months, followed by life in Ubud, Bali.

In hindsight now, I can see that I simply needed to make the decision to be here, rather than leave decisions to the wind and magically hope that Bali would simply provide everything I could need.  But hindsights are always that aren’t they, seeing life clearly once you’ve been on the rollercoaster ride of life adventure.

It was scary being here.  Scary in the not knowing, it still is.  Of surrendering to the fact that we are not control.  I struggle with this dance.  Of choosing a direction and trusting that I will be supported in it.  I think I am still holding the scars from the last time I trusted this process.  Leaving Australia for Canada, and then leaving Canada for New Zealand.  I’m smart ya know – I do understand that life is about experiences – adventure.  Successes and Failures.  But today I acknowledge *yet again* the pain of hurt in my heart from something that ended so abruptly.

So I struggle to choose something and trust.  Hence the non choosing of my life here in Bali.  To just wander and drift and hope that life would show up for me.  And it has, I have constantly been provided for.  Amazing friends & family who have provided accommodation, food & listening loving ears whenever I have needed.

But this way of living has invited a sense of hopelessness, a mistrust within myself that I didn’t hold the power to make anything happen, that I was at the complete mercy of life to carry me where I needed to go.  Even today I still feel like this.  Just having finished a conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop, I still feel powerless to life.

I know no one knows where they are going, but I for one feel like I’m leading the party on the mission to no where.  Sometimes I feel like I have it right, and everyone else has it wrong.  Because we aren’t going anywhere, we are only here. Right here, right now.  In fact to think we are going anywhere else but here is laughable!

“Want to make god laugh?  Tell him your plans.”

But my lesson of the year, is one of trust & co-creation.  Of working with the law of attraction to make the desirable occur.  I want a home.  I have to choose a home. Sounds basic right?  Yes.  But I’ve lacked the fundamental self belief that I am worthy of anything, so therefore chose to not choose anything.  And because I chose nothing, then nothing showed up, despite me wanting stuff.  I was in-congruent with my core belief – “I’m not worthy.”  So keep attracting more of not being worthy.  Ouch!

I’m on the final straight of this doozy of a lesson.  I am SO done with believing I am not enough, it serves NO ONE!

Yes – I have chosen that I want a home & am actively searching.  It is taking it’s sweet time for sure, but I’m putting it down to the right one making it’s way to me.  I am receiving messages that this lesson is near completion, that I have done the work, and that now it’s about letting go and allowing the final completion to occur with gratitude for all it’s wonder and juiciness.

I gave thanks to my dear Sista – Samaya last night, she has opened up her home to me & has made me feel nothing but welcome.  I said to her, if this is the final hurrah of this lesson, I’ve been given such a wonderful opportunity by sharing such quality time with her.

Forgive my writing, but I’m still finding my writing pants – I think I have lost them from the constant bed hopping that I’ve been participating in.  Writing feels like I am swimming in an alphabet stew and cannot connect the correct letters, let alone words, to put together.  I used to find writing & blogging so easy – but currently it’s like trying to swim to the surface after being pummeled by those said waves in the beginning.

2017 finding my words again

This is an Osho card reading I gave myself last night.  Depicting the situation at hand.
1 – The Issue – Consciousness
2 – What I’m present to internally – Innocence
3 – What needs to happen externally – Letting Go
4 – What is currently happening – Transformation
5 – The Outcome – Completion

3 of these cards being Major Arcana Cards – representing BIG lessons at play.

6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process

You may have read the term ‘awakening’ being thrown around on Social Media at the moment.  I know I’ve been using it a little.  The world is shifting and people are awakening to their divine life purpose.  One that has more meaning than that of simply following the norm of which we have been conditioned to.

To help explain a little, and what may potentially be being experienced, here are 6 signs of the early awakening process to help support your awareness and remind you you aren’t alone.

I know when I experienced these, I felt like I was the only person on Earth and didn’t understand what was happening.  Please know you’re not alone as many have gone before you, and are right alongside of you right now.

6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process

  • ONE

    Life is presenting you with some challenging situations, beyond your control.
    Maybe you’ve lost your job?
    A large financial challenge occurs.
    You move homes, or locations.
    You’re going through a divorce or separation with a loved one.
    Someone dear to you passes on.
    A desired outcome was not fulfilled.

  • TWO

    You experience a spectrum of emotions for unknown reasons. There’s no understandable reason WHY you feel this way.  But you do.  You feel like reclusing.

  • THREE

    Going out tonight, you didn’t really feel like going.  But you go because you feel a sense of obligation.  It’s what you ‘should’ do.  The small talk at the outing feels really really hard. You long to simply be at home, or be able to talk about what is really going on in your life, but you fear being judged and feeling like ‘that person’.  That person who is struggling with life and doesn’t have it all together.  Because of course we should, right?  (tongue in cheek)

  • FOUR

    Watching the News, or reading Newspapers is no longer enjoyable. You don’t like the fear mongering in these stores, they make you feel bad.  You prefer to scroll Social Media, watch YouTube Videos and choose to inform yourself on what ‘the people’ are sharing.  There are great things happening in the world too!

  • FIVE

    You’re feeling like your current circle of friends don’t understand you and what is happening.  You struggle to talk to them and feel really uncomfortable when you try.  When you do, they console you with things like:
    – this too shall pass
    – you’ll be right, you’ll get through this
    – everyone goes through something
    – such and such had xyz happen – you should feel lucky
    It’s not their fault, but you feel no better, maybe worse and more alone from not feeling heard.

  • SIX

    Suddenly, being in large populated areas like shopping malls, supermarkets now aggravates you. The bright lights, artificial food & packaging, screaming children, intense energy, the sense of urgency from over worked faces around you.  Not to mention the stress of getting in and out of the car park!

 

6 Signs You're Experiencing the Awakening Process
The Awakening Process to Freedom

 

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How do I heal my Inner Child?

There hasn’t been much inspiration for blogging recently, I’ve been knee deep in emotional healing, loving my Inner Child, much to the disappointment of my inner ‘get things done’ self.  Apparently now is a time of deep inner healing, as reflected to me by my healer friend.

There’s been resistance with the acceptance of this, I mean, I am in the perfect place to be healing, but seriously, how long does one have to heal for – can I get on with the show already? Am I right?

It feels as though this year has been relentless in the pursuit of healing. The whole of 2016! In numerology this year is a 9 year, a year of endings. 2+0+1+6=9. Representing the ending of a 8/9 year cycle, and I tell you what, these numbers aren’t lying.  This last year feels like it has been dying a slow death, like the transition of seasons from fall to winter – but longer.

After spending 8.5 months in a Silent Retreat, 2.5 in Ubud – I feel like physically, I have not achieved one thing. Sure, there may be a few blog posts to show, pages and pages of scribbled journaling’s – most of which are ash by now.  I have 2 suitcases filled with my belongings & have accumulated one beautiful gifted wooden Ganesha representative of destroying my obstacles.  Sounds like a pretty clean simple year no?

Internally it looks like the Sahara desert, intuitively I feel endless rolling hills of cleared debris & destruction.  You can’t see my inner landscape, I can’t prove to you how much inner work I’ve done. We cannot sit and compare notes and graphs about who’s inner work is going to have the biggest return on investment, because this shit can’t be seen. When times like this in life present, (and yes I say times like this, as this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this), it is so easy to forget that life exists outside of the inner destruction that has occurred.

I forget that there IS a life of dreams and desires, of the world’s greatest riches. I forget that there are manifestations of unknown awaiting my rebirth into the world. I forget that there is a sea of possibility just begging me to grab a hold of it with both hands. I forget that I am a valued being on this planet and another voice for Mother Earth. I forget. I am lost in my inner Star Wars Movie – the battle of the dark side against the light.

how do I heal my Inner Child?

This recent battle is just about over. One that has invited my inner teenager with all her wounds, aches and pains. I was gifted a beautiful encounter with a gorgeous Balinese Man who’s smile was enough to make my heart melt, and it pretty much did. It has been about one full year since anyone had looked at me, so to feel my butterflies dance in my tummy was a strange, but exciting feeling – I decided to explore it. Why not?

Edges were met & my fears emerged, I didn’t know whether to let the whole thing go and continue to protect my precious heart, or to open and expand despite these fears. A trip back to the Silent Retreat and a deep dig towards some inner courage saw me return to Ubud lighter and ready to explore.

My heart was opened again and I felt as vulnerable as a fresh teenager rich with new hormones. She was out in full force. The beauty of this relationship was a test of this vulnerable part of myself – would she seek fulfillment in another, or would I (adult Heidi) rise to the challenge and be there to catch her – to meet her needs.

Heart open, arms wide, I was there to catch her, there could be no other way, because he was not available, nor is it his job. His heart closed, encased behind walls of hurt & pain. She kicked & screamed and yelled at me for love, so show up for her did. Time spent laying on my bed, holding my heart, tears streaming, journaling & meditation to hold her tightly was all I could do from going crazy thinking about him.

An external force brought into my world to make me show up stronger than I ever have for myself.  It’s been a good month of parenting myself, it has been wild & relentless. I am SO thankful to see who I am and understand how to care for me, to not throw myself at another in the vain ‘hope’ that he will give me what I needed to give myself.

The relationship has come to a close, and I am feeling a little more settled within my heart, aware of new lessons on the cusp. Trust & Intimacy… This inner work, really is akin to work – seriously! If there was a way to be paid for it, I would be onto the winning ticket.

Our relationships really are nothing but mirrors for us. Showing up to teach us the deepest parts of ourselves we have not yet met. It takes courage to engage in conscious relationships – that shit ain’t easy.

“the road can teach you how to love and let go,
it can be lonely, but it’s the only thing, that we’ve ever known…”

Wash It Away
Nahko Bear

> If you’re needing support in gaining clarity around your Inner Child within relationships, contact me at me@heidifirth.com or Be Your Own Guru – Worldwide on Facebook.

How will I make a difference?

I am SO riled up with frustration today – today’s topic – how will I make a difference in today’s world?

Yesterday I spent time with a dear friend & he is never shy to question my motives and intentions behind my drive for life.

It’s always wonderful to have someone pushing me forward and ensuring I’m aligning myself with my highest good, but what if it feels like absolutely nothing I’m doing is working or moving forward?

I really feel like this right now!

I feel so on my own.  Usually a day is inspired by divine conversations, interactions that can guide me towards something, a creative task to fruition, but these past few weeks.  I feel like I’m floating in the ethos of nothingness.  What the fuck am I doing?

My past few blog posts have mirrored this topic.  What the fuck is Heidi doing?  I have a million tools and good intentions for the whole, but feel like I’ve no fucking idea what I’m doing, add to this my stress about my money situation.  So which comes first?  Focus on the things that will bring money in, or keep doing what I love – it feels like the dilemma of the era – with all the bright shinny things ‘out there’ – it’s so easy to be distracted by ‘what’s here’.

I can’t play the pretend game – pretending I have it all together – that I’m some wonderful successful online coach with clients lining up to work with me, earning 6/7 figures each month – it all seems so shallow & empty.  Give me the truth god dammit!  I need to be honest, I need to spill the beans and call a spade a spade.  Who really knows what is going on here?  I certainly don’t.  I wish I had a small inkling of an idea.  What this thing called life is all about. Even writing these words, having this word dump doesn’t feel like the right thing to share on my blog.  Aren’t I meant to have it all together?

If I carry the title of Coach, Counselor & PT, aren’t I meant to know what’s going on?  Perhaps this is something I’ve put on myself… that I should have it all together.  I feel the further I go along this journey, the less idea I actually have.  Walls & beliefs get knocked down, disassembled, blasted to smithereens.  What is left is a field of peace, wonder, possibility which anything can be built upon.  I tell you this field is amazing, but you wouldn’t believe unless you experienced it for your very own self.

I joined an online Affiliate Marketing gig because it truly felt like a piece of the puzzle, the tools, systems and the how – the how behind getting Be Your Own Guru online & moving – whatever that means.

Yet I watch the Facebook posts & messages stream along on FB Messenger (from said Marketing peeps) – they are rich with questions and banter about all the detail needed to understand the nuts and bolts behind the scenes of building an online business.  How to derive followers, likers, leads etc.. The purpose of these equal sales and therefore money.  Winning right?!  Yes we need money – god knows we do – have a look at my bank account.

However in the next moment, I stumble upon a video of my Mentor – Paul Chek, talking about how the Earths Top Soil is akin to our own Digestive Systems.  I get this so strongly – as within, so without.  I witness the mass pollution accruing on this planet and understand that it is a direct result of each individual on this planet and our connection with our inner selves.

Online business details vs the reality of the Planet – my dilemma – the questions & feelings of frustration arise – What can I do?  I experience deep frustration on a daily basis for not being able to DO ENOUGH!  HOW!  What can I do?  Seriously – show me the fucking way!  I have a greater awareness of what is going on here & I don’t know what to do with that information!  Rgggghhh!

Meanwhile billions of people the world across are absolutely clueless to the impact they are creating, let alone what their neighbors are up too.  How can we be in such a mess?  It really breaks my heart, I cry & feel the pain of the world in my heart.  How can my knowledge help the whole?  How can I help the cause?

I just don’t know what to do.  Even typing these words while I sit in a Café in Ubud drinking my coffee feels super privileged and hardly a step in the right direction.  Though I know that I need to acknowledge my fire, I need to express my frustrations.  Whether my words are read, whether they disappear into the abyss of yet another blog post online, what matters is that I wrote them.  That I acknowledged my deep frustration with the state of the planet and the fact that I am SO ready to make difference.

 

I dance in periods of listening to my favorite artist Nahko Bear.  When I’ve had time away from him, and return – his voice and message awakens my soul again – it resonates so deeply and for that moment in time I feel heard – I feel ok.  His music reminds me that I’m not the only one.  You see – I feel like I’m on my own here.  Am I?

Are you reading these words?
Are you with me?
Do you care?
Can you see what is happening?
Do you know that the world needs you?
Are you aware of your daily actions and how they affect the world.  Your trash, your purpose, your words, your energy, your ability to be in integrity with yourself.  Speak your truth, be honest, be vulnerable.  Do you understand how MUCH you contribute to this world?  You are a part of everything – not separate at all.

You see this is what is needed first and foremost.  We can’t change anything out there – without changing what is going on – in here <3.

This is what it comes back to, Being Your own Guru, if you are the creator of your life, taking responsibility for your words, actions, energy, moment to moment, we make the best choices for the planet.

Our food sources, the soil in which it was grown, our friends and neighbors and how much love and compassion we offer them.  Everyone is fighting their own battles and they cannot be won on our own.  We need to band together and offer support… But it starts with you – right now – looking at yourself.

If you’re ready to embark on the Guru’s journey, let’s do things OUR way… Let’s get our voices out loud and strong in integrity with our spirit and purpose.  Let’s make a difference.  I will walk with you, guiding you & offering support each step of the way.  Join me in a personal capacity by messaging me, or join me professionally by following this link.

 

He made HOW much from doing WHAT?

He made how much from doing what?  Where am I going with this?  I want to briefly share with you an opportunity that I’ve stumbled upon recently.

Up until then, I had been questioning, walking blindly, intention setting, asking for clarity about how do I create a successful online business.  Success for me equaling spreading my message to the world AND creating a passive income that supports me in doing so.

It’s one thing to have a passion & live by it, but it’s another thing to expect it to make money for you out in the world.  Elizabeth Gilbert, writer of Big Magic says it’s the number one thing that will stifle one’s creativity – expecting something of it.

And so with this awareness I felt lost.  I didn’t know how I was going to sustain myself.  Live in Bali (for now), Coach people through their challenges, make a positive impact on the Earth AND make money.

Problem I’ve had is, I’ve never been focused on money.  I’ve been focused on my WHY in the world.  Why it is I do what I do.  What change I wish to see for the collective.

So when I was introduced to Nate of www.worldnate.com on Instagram, a 23 year old kiwi plumber, travelling the world Full-Time I thought, hang on, what’s going on here?  If this guy can live a life independent of location, then why the heck can’t I?  I’m pretty smart too!  I have big visions & dreams, not that travelling the world full time is a bad thing, but there are people to help, causes to support.

I clicked the link in Instagram Bio and was instantly taken to an email capture page, followed by and introductory video.

That video sparked something in me I had lost connection with.  Possibility!  It IS possible for me to make money online!

Although it didn’t look the way I’d expected it to.  Nothing ever does right?  You get what you need, not what you want.

But it was the solution to my questions.

It confronted everything I had created around making an income online.

I saw my beliefs flashing before my eyes.

“I have to create this on my own.”
“It’s going to be hard.”
“It’s going to take time.”
“I’m going to be glued to my laptop full-time.”
“It’s going to take me away from what I really want to be doing.”
“It’s going to be lonely.”
Plus many many more… you get the idea.

When I was face to face with solution it smashed the above beliefs out of my head.  Guess what?  I got sick.  I was laid out for 2 days fevering off the old debris that were my old outdated beliefs above.  I knew change & a shift were immanent.

You see – my WHY in the world is to inspire people to align with their inner Guru, therefore creating conscious choices that support the EARTH.  As much as I can reach one person at a time, I need to reach MORE.  The internet is the perfect platform to do so.

Whilst I’ve been mentioning money, what this opportunity is providing, is Online Business Systems that will support to make Be Your Own Guru an actual business.  A profitable business.  Again a very new concept for me. Make money doing something I love?  You’ve got to be daft!

That said, the stories and results are best told by the Creator & Founder – Michael Force.

This opportunity is one that cannot be missed if you are wanting to create an online business that will enable Freedom in your life.

For me, this is the missing piece of my puzzle.  It is the bones that I will build upon to live my dreams.

Over the next few weeks I will be implementing what I am learning into my business, so you’ll be able to see what I’m up to.

I continue to be the same soul centered, value driven individual – driven by the soul desire to live in alignment with Mother Earth, this, is going to support us in doing so.

Below, I share with you an email I received from Michael Force 2 days ago.  If it moves, touches & inspires something within you, please click this link & see what I saw.  If you have questions – you know where I am.

“Hey Heidi,
This week has been an incredible week for us.
Our members are just crushing it.
New members are joining at a record pace.  
It’s only been a few short months since we “soft launched” and we’re already growing into one of the biggest companies online.
For “outsiders,” they see the rapid growth and think that it’s some sort of “trick” or “secret” that we’ve discovered.
That if they can just do that ONE thing… they’ll grow too.
I hate to tell you this, but it’s not just one single thing.
It’s a series of pre-planned steps that have been repeated consistently.

He made how much from doing what

And that is the BIG secret: consistency.
You see, most people are comfortable where they are at.
Most people have a “comfortable” job that allows them to drive a “comfortable” car and live in a “comfortable” house.
Yet all that comfort doesn’t move them forward.
Ask anyone in that situation how much money they have saved up and the answer is nearly always “ZERO.”
As human beings, we’re genetically hardwired to seek out comfort and routine.  
It’s safe, it’s predictable and it conserves precious energy.
Nearly everyone I know, when they do finally try to change, they try to change all at once rather than be strategic about it.
Say they sleep in until 10 AM and eat junk food every day.
One day, they decide they’ve had enough.
So the next day they get up at 6 AM, go to the gym, throw out all the junk food and eat only salad.
By the third day they break down, sleep in, binge eat and feel like a total loser with no self control.
It was too much too fast and they didn’t plan.

When it comes to making changes to your life…
Especially when you go from “employee” to the freedom of being self-employed…
You have to be strategic and you have to be consistent.

Josh and Jason are two amazing stories.

He made how much from doing what

He made how much from doing what

Both of them started out with practically no knowledge of how to make money online.Josh decided that he was just going to make a video every single day and post it to his channel on Youtube.
Jason decided to post inspirational, success posts on Instagram.  
Little-by-little, their everyday routine created huge momentum in their life.
Both members made over 6 figures in team sales as a D.A. member in their first 3 months. For most people, that type of money in such a short time span would be life changing. 
But the reason they were able to do it was because they consistently focused on ONE thing every day.”

Click on this link here, if you’re curious about how to create an online business & FREEDOM in you life.

You’ve got nothing to loose but the life that is holding you back.

What is our purpose in life?

What is our purpose in life?  Today’s 99 Million Dollar Question right?!

I’ve been working with this questions quite intimately these past months here in Bali land.  Knowing for a long time there is much more to living life than just hitting the daily grind in exchange for an income.

I know this – but such is life – continuing to learn lessons, plugging along & asking life purpose reflection questions.
Each question has created an opportunity, a stepping stone to the next. Each stepping stone has requested courage & fear acknowledgement. But here’s the thing, they ARE stepping stones. We are never given what we cannot handle, and so we get to choose in each moment whether we continue with what we know, or step into that which we don’t.

Bali was and continues to be a gamble.

I have no idea what I’m doing & showing up for on a day to day basis, but I do, because sitting here in my life, I cannot & will not go backwards.

If I ‘went back’, this might look like returning to Australia or maybe New Zealand, getting a J.O.B in exchange for my life hours and a small wage in exchange for such un-priceable value. I will not do it.  (Well – it doesn’t feel like my here & now calling.  Although I have learnt to be open and step into what is needed in each moment.)

The Silent Retreat was tough. It was an inner boot camp of looking at fears, demons, and a time out & deconstruction of everything I knew to be true. The living paradigm of J.O.B working.  Compartmentalizing life.  It has since spat me out, in which I am SO grateful for. Day by day, now some 10 days on or so, life continues to show up for me because I am choosing to show up for it. I am in the hands of something far greater that has me in it’s arms.

How am I sustaining myself?
Friends, more friends, small savings & trust.

Do I know what I’m doing tomorrow?
Hell No!

Am I happy & excited?
Hell YES!

Do I get to live my life on my terms?
HELL YES!

Am I safe? A roof over my head & food to eat?
Everyday!

This is life!
This is living!

My dear chicken friend reminded me last week. There is no separation between work & play. There is only life. We shouldn’t have to invest in one to have the other. They shouldn’t need to be mutually exclusive things.

Life is life. It was given to us as our birthright to enjoy, explore, learn & play. Not to live by rules & patterning passed down from generation to generation. But the sad thing is, unless you don’t start to question, you will never learn any different, as we only know what we know. If we knew what we didn’t know, there would still be more that we didn’t know.  And so on & so on, x’s infinity!  Where does the mind go with the limitlessness of that!?

I’m reading the book “Cashflow Quadrant by Robert T Kiyosaki” right now, and a passage he shares within it is;

“We all know people who make a lot of money, but hate their work. We also know people who do not make a lot of money and hate their work. And we all know people who just work for money. A classmate of mine realized he did not want to spend his life at sea. Rather than sail for the rest of his life, he went to law school after graduation, spending three more years becoming a lawyer and entering private practice in the Self Employed Quadrant.

He died in his early fifties. He had become a very successful, unhappy lawyer. Like me, he had two professions by the time he was 26. Although he hated being a lawyer, he continued being a lawyer because he had a family, kids, a mortgage, and bills to pay.
A year before he died, I met him at a class reunion in New York. He was a bitter man.

“All I do is sweep up behind rich guys like you. They pay me nothing. I hate what I do and who I work for.”
“Why don’t you do something else?” I asked.
“I can’t afford to stop working. My first child is entering college.”
he died of a heart attack before she graduated.
he made a lot of money via his professional training, but he was emotionally angry, spiritually dead, and soon his body followed.”

Whilst this story is extreme, doesn’t it hit hard? I mean, I’m sure we know people in our sphere’s like this right? Living the daily grind, surviving not thriving.

There is no blame or finger pointing here.  This situation is what it is because we know no different, but is merely an opportunity to be open to reflect on HOW we could live differently? What would I really like to enjoy in my world? It can be a big question that brings forth a blank canvas. I know it did for me for a long time, I’ve only known that the old didn’t fit and I needed to move towards something new , un-created & unwritten.

Question with me, create, play & explore.

What is our purpose in life

In Bali I reflect – “What am I doing with my life”?

In Bali I sit reflecting on, “what am I doing with my life?”  I am reminded of how much I LOVED being a trainer and how empowered I felt.  10 years on, how it affects today – I competed in the ANB – Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Competition.  I was at the pinnacle of my Fitness Career and loved working as a Personal Trainer in Sydney, Australia.

Today I recognize, along with my recent Canadian break-up, I have been affected, by seemingly having ‘failed’.  Whilst intellectually I know I haven’t, I have an installed fear within, that has prevented me from stepping forth, again, owning something that I WANT.  I WANT so much to feel this sense of joy & empowerment again, today I met my fear head on whilst speaking with my friend.  I witnessed my fear in committing to something I want, for fear of not being good enough, worthy enough, not my path, for maybe failing again, etc etc.

You see, I had it all mapped out 10 years ago.  I had a business partnership with another.  We signed a 3 year lease on a commercial property to create a Holistic Health Centre.  I was a successful trainer, and well on my way to graduating from my Diploma of Tranformational Coaching.  This was what I wanted!  I was 27 years old & I was doing what I loved!  The sky was the limit!

In October 2006 I went into competition & placed 4th in Women’s Short Figure.  It was a MASSIVE achievement!  My coach suggested I stick at it as my physic was perfect for competing.  Through this time, the relationship I was in ended and we parted ways.

Over the next duration of months, I continued to pour everything into my work and kept my training up, despite the next comp being another year away.  The turning point happened after my Coaching Module – VISION QUEST.  Where we undertake a sacred ceremony of entering into the bush from Dawn to Dusk – setting intentions for what we wish to let go of and welcome into our lives.  I came away from that weekend with my mind blown & my energetic senses high.  I’d gone down the rabbit hole & lost my way back out.

I entered depression for the next 2.5 years & as a result, everything I knew fell apart.  My PT Business died, the friends I knew, fell away.  I had high expenses based on my previous life & the mediocre jobs I was doing barely cut what was needed each week.  I became a recluse hermit.  My training faded and I lost who I thought I was.

I underwent therapy through this time & it was baby steps in the dark.  I didn’t know if I was moving forwards, backwards or even if I was moving at all?  Mostly I felt I wasn’t.  Eventually as I pulled through, my confidence was shattered, and I took whatever jobs I could to survive.  Personal Training felt so far from me, it was a distant object.

This was 2009/10, and ever since has been a gradual step forward.

Wrapido to Nature Care College.  Nature Care College to lululemon.  lululemon to Canada.  Canada to New Zealand.  New Zealand to Bali Silent Retreat.

Each role, each location, bringing me closer and closer to ME.  The real & authentic ME.   Each place, rich & full with life lessons & experiences not possible in a classroom.

Now, sitting here in Bali, after being ‘born’ from my 8 month Bali Womb, I sit and wonder what is next?  There is no backwards, there is no sideways, there is only forwards.  I am done being a paid employee, I am done being dictated with plans & someone else’s ‘to do’s’, I am done with being 2nd best!!!

NOW!

NOW!

I must step forward, I must face my fear of failure, I must feel it and step forward regardless.

I MUST.

I MUST.

After all, what is a life worth living if we haven’t truly lived?

I don’t know how to do this?  I don’t know how to start again?  I only know I have to.  I have to!

Anything less & I do my soul a severe injustice.

And so being my own guru is where this is at!

The only way forward is through.

It’s time to be my OWN GURU!

In Bali I sit asking - "what am I doing with my life?"