Being wild amidst the tame

My mind is a busy monkey at present.

Integrating my Bali reality with this current New Zealand reality.

I’ve been trying to pin point the words, to somehow capture and solidify my experience. In doing so, hoping to find some sort of solidarity that I can grab a hold of with both hands.

But it’s not coming. It’s not happening.

And then I remember what I signed up for.

I didn’t sign up for normal. I didn’t sign up for comfortable.

Somewhere way back when, my soul made a contract to be wild and free, so trying to fit this into its current surrounds is something akin to bringing the wild back into the city. It won’t fit anymore, in fact it’s likely to go more wild.

I see that Brene Brown has just released a new book, so I’m reading the sample pages available on Amazon.com. In the first pages I come across this snippet as she is discussing Maya Angelou in a 1973 interview. Maya says;

“You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”

To which I resonate so greatly, I cry.

In conclusion, I’m not going to find the right words, it’s never going to make sense, I am the wild space between the words that are undiscovered and free. It’s up to me to surrender to that, and come from that place. Wild makes no sense. Wild is WILD. This is why we feel at peace and at home within nature, our brain has to give up trying to understand it, and just get out of the way to come to peace.

So dear Heidi, give up the understanding and just own the wild and free that you.

Use this tool to clear funky energy immediately

Every morning it is natural for me to check in with myself and feel where my energy is at, how it feels.
When it’s super funky and foggy, I put out a tool from my tool kit and apply it to increase my good feels.
This one is from an awesome man you may know – Wim Hof.

I follow my bodies lead and allow whatever I need to move through me;
– Yawning
– Burping
– Sighing
– Emotional Release
– Sound Release
– Physical Movements

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here
Wim Hof Video

Use this simple tool for Negative Self Talk

Here I share a super simple tool you can use every time you observe a negative thought, or witness a story you know is not true.

By doing so, you program your mind to chose the thoughts you want to align to.

This isn’t about negating what is, it’s about acknowledging it, and coming back to what you DO want. Simples. So it should be.

Join the Be Your Own Guru Community here
Chat with Heidi here

when there is nothing *internal to do…

 

Last week, I had such an amazing, joyful time here in Mongan Village.  The sun shone, I walked the dogs, I saw a client, I held a group discussion – it felt really really good.  This week, it has rained constantly.

No clients so far, dogs with cabin fever and my inner landscape feeling rather meeh.  I’m dedicated to digging into my tool kit when I feel this way, I know that afterwards I tend to feel great again.

Today’s’ tool are were a mixture of walking feet on the earth, Wim Hofs breathing technique, Balinese Water Blessing and a Chakra Meditation.  These generally completely shift my energy and have me looking through new lenses, but today I’ve done these and I’m back under the doona in bed, watching the continuous rain.  There is nothing more, (internally) that I can do.

I’m not complaining, in fact, I think I’m pretty bloody lucky to have the available time and space to indulge in the inner workings of my mind, not everyone has, or makes this a priority.  I think it’s that I have learnt to, and really, what else do I have?

Today, I don’t have kids, a partner, a house that needs tending to, there is no oven I can bake in, I don’t live near my family/friends so I can visit, the dogs have had their walk in the pause of the rain.  I really am this free spirit that is at the command of the universe.

And this, has been my unfolding lesson for this duration of time in Bali.  Learn to surrender, let go and trust that I am supported.  At times, my head wonders – “what the fuck do you have in store for me”?  I mean, I sit here now reflecting on my current life, and it looks like a baron wasteland.  Rather like these freshly harvested rice fields.  All the abundance has been cut and packaged up for sale, what is left is the hay like debris ready to be set alight as soon as these rains cease.  This is me.

Ubud feels like it is closing up for me.  All the friends that I’ve made over this past 1.5 years have departed, back to their home soil.  Maybe one or two friends remain, but the foundations are beginning to shake.  You know when a chapter ends, you know it has ended, so why recreate a new one that looks the same, because it won’t be the same, it never will be, and there will only be disappointment.  No, it’s time to move on.  Time for something new to be born.

Except, the new is not yet visible.  The phoenix has not yet risen from the ashes.  There are no ashes, it’s still bloody raining, so they can’t light the fire.  It’s grey, dreary, wet, heavy, slow, there’s no movement right now.

A bubble of past, present, unknown future is percolating, mixing itself with each other, so nothing really makes any sense.  The beauty of this is in the witness of it, and of the trusting of natures unfolding that nothing stays the same, and it won’t.

when there is nothing to do

7 takeaways I’ve learnt from living in Bali

Living in Bali is a common conversation topic had frequently amongst friends. We often share similar themes for living on this magical island of the gods.

There are however exceptions to these themes, as there are different pockets of people who live here.  All of which will experience Bali in their own magical way.  But these themes appear to be the generic topics I experience with my network.

Perhaps I’ll break it down;

1.  You come to Bali to heal, for your own personal journey

It’s not called the island of the gods for nothing.  There is a palpable energy here than is felt by all, and if you don’t feel it, you will on a deeper subconscious level.

Ubud, Bali is an epicenter for healing.  From Yoga, to Meditation, to Traditional Balinese Healers, Gong Sessions, Sound Therapy, Massage, Water Temples, Ecstatic Dance Parties, to sitting in silence at a silent retreat.  Bali has an abundance of modalities to welcome all spiritual seekers back to their truth.
Whether we know this is why we are here or not, there is a reason why people come to Bali.

I personally believe deep down we are lost, trying to find our way back home, the home within ourselves.  We’ve lost connection with our land, our people, our tribe.  Sure we call it backpacking or holidaying, I think we are lost and trying to find our way home in some way.  Bali facilitates that.  With it’s wild nature, and beautiful heart-centered people, it shows us a simpler way of living.  Bali brings us back to ourselves gently, or not so gently depending upon how you receive her guidance.

2.  You are faced with your money issues, your families money issues and your generational money issues

Now this one I am speaking for myself and some of my friends who share the same story.  This isn’t everyone’s truth and I’m aware that I don’t wish for this to become my truth, but it is mega interesting that many people struggle here.

For one, working here is illegal, so jobs are few, and working online can be limited.  Many digital nomads set themselves up in co-working spaces.  That’s one pocket of individuals I’m not tapped into.  I did think I was going to go down this road, and 9 months ago signed up to an online Digital Marketing company.  I was determined and positive that this was aligned to me and what I was bringing into the world, but as I got deeper and deeper into the online lessons, I learnt that it moved me further and further away from my values and what I wanted to bring to the world.

There are many layers of conditioning that I’ve needed to disassemble to teach me I can do the work I value in the world, and make money.  This is a whole topic unto itself I could write a separate blog on.
I’ve had to learn to shift from a fear based way of living, into a heart centered.  In the west we have our jobs, our 9-5, our salary and benefits.  These are great and supportive and enable us to build the lives we have, BUT, are these jobs 100% the creation of ours souls desire?  Chances are if you were to break it down, it likely wouldn’t be.  You might find it to be the cultivation of your fears, driving you to the creation of the cushy supportive job that gives you the run off of stuff and things that makes you feel a certain way.  This isn’t bad or wrong, it’s just conditioning.  Until we begin to question, we only know what we only know.

I’ve had to face the harsh discomfort of having nothing.  No money, no stuff, no things, peeling away all the layers of built up fear, face the underlying drivers behind why I’ve done what I’ve done, to build a new foundation to move into the world with.  That shits not easy, and it’s not for everyone, but it’s something that my soul guided me to undergo.

I’m not bound by interest rates, home loans, expensive assets, expensive toys, rents and monthly internet, netflix or electricity bills.  I’ve found freedom.  I know I am but one person, not a family, but these money lessons have been the hugest to date.

I now see through the cracks of society and how it’s all one massive orchestrated control fest.  Rats on a never ending wheel of working to live, living to work.  Being educated the value of a career, to earn high wages, to own the nice house and car, losing sight of the real abundance in this lifetime.  The soil, the planet, our health.  Again a whole blog post could be written here.

3.  Completing tasks that are easy at home, are hard as shit to complete here

This is as crazy as it sounds.  Seriously.  It has taken my friend 5 months to create a flyer for her business.  From working with a graphic designer to edit an existing flyer template, to paying her, to getting it to the printers, has been one crazy laughable ride.  The funny thing is, it’s away perfect.  There is a flow, a yin based way of living here.

It’s like you have to throw your intention to the wind, wait like a boomerang for it to return to your thoughts, before moving forward in action towards it.  Try going to the post office for example; something so simple and easy in any other part of the world.  Here, you have to find your available pocket of time to go, navigate the extreme tourist traffic, find a bike park, await your turn – often a good chunk of time, ensure you have your ID, all required items to post and money.  Because this is Bali, chances are, one day you’ll forget your ID, another day, the post office will be closed, and another – you’ll miraculously bump into an old friend you haven’t seen in 5 years whilst on the way, and miss out on making it to the post office before it closes.  Simple things become hard.  And as always, it’s perfect.

4.  Be prepared to let go of any plan you have upon arriving

Have you heard the saying, you get what you need, not what you want?

Well that comes into form here.  Anyone with an agenda should be prepared to let that go ASAP.  There is a natural flow state here.  Things unfold as and when they’re meant to.  We in the west are so conditioned to doing things on our agenda.  Being linear and masculine orientated in doing.  Go here, then here, then here.  You don’t see the Balinese move like this.  They graciously move from A to B, having all the time in the world, for impromptu conversations, connections, basically enjoying life.

Westerners – we’re in a hurry to get to where we’re going.  Our life is predominately in our future existence.  We are rarely ever here.  Bali will teach you to slow down, to enjoy each moment to moment.  If you don’t listen, you’ll receive a lesson that will slow you down.   A late driver, a flat tyre, an accident, slow service – and a million more examples than I can think of.

5.  You will learn to walk with one foot in the physical reality, one foot in the non physical

This has been one of my biggest lessons (haha another one).  I continue to say to my Mum.  “It is SO different living here!”
I’ve had to learn how to trust life more than I ever have before!  I’m the kind of person who budgets, always has enough, puts money aside each week for bills, expenses, holidays, savings etc…
Since living here, all those have been exhausted and any sort of safety net I’d always have, has evaporated.  I’ve had to make decisions to commit to things before I’ve had the money to do so, and needed to trust that the money will come.

I moved into my current home in that manner, I committed to my last visa run the same way.  It’s like having one foot in the tangible, and one foot in the non tangible.

Abraham (Esther Hicks), calls it aligning to your vortex.  Not getting distracted by your here and now reality of what current exists, but focusing on that which you want to manifest and fully knowing in it’s coming into form, irrespective of desired timeline.  It’s a learnt skill I tell you.  One I’d like to think I’m getting better and better at.  It has been a challenge to trust where my money will come from to pay my upcoming visa extension, rent, bike rental, food, but somehow the money comes, maybe not on time, maybe I have to ask a friend, maybe Mum gives me money.  It’s not always a comfortable situation, but it is rich with lessons in receiving, in learning to be vulnerable, learning to trust, and showing up at the drop of a hat when need be.

6.  Anything you need to learn, that you have missed, or choose to miss, will slap you hard in the face

Lessons are a constant, rarely is there a pause in something that needs to be learnt and transformed.  If you don’t get the message, it will repeat until you do.  Bali will work with your built-in programming to give it to you in a way that you’re accustomed.  If you’re used to dealing with things in the physical; a cold, flu, virus, Bali Belly – be sure you’ll find yourself with one of these.

If you’re used to repeating patterns in your daily experience; lovers who aren’t emotionally available, money problems, transport problems, terrible neighbors, you’ll receive the same experiences as if stuck in ground hog day.

If you’re adapt at emotional release, transforming your thoughts – be sure you’ll flow with Bali, and shift lifetimes of patterns in your short or long stay here.

7.  Bali will release you when it’s time to go

When it’s time to leave, you’ll know it.  You’ll hear/feel the call to go somewhere else, and you’ll have no choice but to take action.  I haven’t yet experienced this, but I’ve witnessed it time and time again.  One of my dear sistas has just heard her call.  She’s been here for 9 months, and about 2 weeks ago felt strongly it was time to return to her home soil.  She’s booked her ticket, handed in her resignation and is now putting the call out to rent her home and find a carer for her animals.  She knows she’ll be back.  But for now, it’s time to go.

It’s a funny one this life in Bali.  We are and will always be visitors to this island.  The longer we stay, no change does it make to our status.  We are still simply visitors.  We can learn the language, learn the culture and it’s beautiful customs, but it will not change anything.  We can commit to being here, as I choose to nearly 3 months ago, get a dog, make it our home, but at the end of the day, when Bali says it’s time, it’s time.

I am in constant awe and gratitude for being here in this magical place.  Not a day passes that I don’t think “OMG I’m in Bali!”  As I ride my scooter from A to B, witnessing the beautiful land people (as I have nick named them).  The dark skinned locals who work in the fields next to my home.  Their earth grabbing wide feet, mud to their knees, carrying epic 40kg plus sacks of grass to their home, their cows.  Their toothless smiles and acknowledgement to my tourist Indonesian greetings – “Pagi”, “Yeah yeah” they reply.  The chanting of Gatri Mantra each 6am, 12pm, 6pm.  The smell of incense and offerings on the ground in front of each compound in my gang.  The pack of Bali Dogs hunting for any form of food they can find.  It is all wildly magical, beautiful, raw and real.  I just adore Bali.  What a gift!

living in bali

Life after psychosis

If you know me, or read my posts, you’ll know that some time ago I packed up my life in Sydney, Australia, to follow love and a Canadian calling.

I’ve written about this here.  It was such an adventurous, exciting time in my life with memories that I will cherish forever.

Recently, I’ve started writing more in depth about my experience of what happened during my final week in Canada that saw me wind up home in New Zealand.  I wrote a little about that here.

But this writing is more an attempt to articulate the experience of psychosis.  It’s a word that I’ve heard dabbled around a bit lately, and strangely many people have experienced.  I’ve taken this repetition as a calling to put pen to paper and explore the extremities of this phenomena.

The definition of psychosis;
a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

Yup – I dealt with this for about 5 days before normalizing out thanks to Chinese Medicine.  Neil too had to deal with this, in me.  It’s a scary arse experience to go through.  There is no concept of right or wrong, only an extreme experience one is having and trying to cope and function with.  I have been trying to make sense of this and the ending of our relationship since it happened in October 2015. Parts of it still feel very real, and parts of it I wonder if my brain made up?

I have described my experience to friends as extreme consciousness.  Where my consciousness felt SO expanded, way past any pre-experienced states.  So to feel the extent of what I felt, I don’t think was wrong.  I think it is well within the realm of what humans are capable of.  But to much to fast, invites the mind to create stories to try to cope with what it’s experiencing.  Also unlocking the subconscious, releasing old patterns to transform them into some new.  All filters removed, all pre-existing ways of being melt away allowing for complete and utter transparency.

Like the experience of communicating with multiple ‘people’ through the one person.  While talking to Neil, I felt like I was talking to many different people.  I could distinguish this based on his tone, his mannerisms, his language.  The energy of that person was coming through him.  People from my current reality, like my Mum, to people already past, like Neils Mum, or my Grandad.  With the notion that we all are one – why would an experience like this not be reality?

Writing about it is confronting.  It brings up old memories.  It’s touching on my relationship with Neil yet again.  I feel stormy and emotional just writing about it.

So why write about it?
– I feel like it’s important to bring all uncovered yuckiness to the surface to look at in the light of day.  Sure my relationship might be over on a physical level, but if I am still being activated by old memories and thoughts, its means there’s still residue to clear.  Old emotional baggage to put out with the trash.  I’m sad for the way it ended.  I’m sad that it didn’t resolve.  It feels like a death without a farewell or ceremony.  That shit lingers on in the psyche and energy body until it is cleared, and until it is, it’s like a ghost that will keep coming back to haunt.

So it’s not easy going over old ground again – having a good hard look at a difficult chapter.  But I have to.  I have to so I can continue moving forward, and maybe my writing might be entertaining.  There are definitely some funny parts to it…

…like the story where I thought Andrew and Neil were Men In Black agents, protecting me from the Aliens.  I thought Aliens were trying to kill me and bury me in the big dug out trenches around the condo.  On a real life level, the water pipes were being dug up and replaced, but to me, they were digging my grave.  It was so fucken scary!  Black shiny cars pulling up, (or maybe regular cars?) lingering around and then taking off.  I trusted Neil, and felt like I trusted Andrew – but my phone went missing and I saw Andrew display reptilian tendency’s, so I freaked out!

This Alien energy was that, an energy!  It could jump from person to person and sometimes I would lock Neil out of the house because I was that scared.  I would make him shower immediately to wash away any residue he’d collected from being out in the world.  I would sage the house and set it up with Angelic protection to keep us safe and protected – this was absolutely imperative.

So I’m writing about stories like this and more.

Neil later told me that dealing with me during this week was harder than him dealing with the death of his Mother – ouch.  That boy dropped me off in New Zealand, then went running (flying) back home to Canada, grateful to see the back of me.  Credit to him he packed up the remainder of my belongings and shipped them to New Zealand.  When I packed in Canada for New Zealand, my brain didn’t have the capacity to think forward to what was happening.  I packed my bag thinking New Zealand and then…  I never thought that was it between him and I.

Fast forward 1 year, 4 months as I sit in my little space in the Lodtunduh, Ubud.  I am grateful for the smallest things.  To cook my own food, to hang my clothes, to be warm and dry.  Nothing else really seems to matter than this right now.  Of course the Earth – but that’s another conversation.  Right now my mind can’t seem to stretch to big things.  I’m here.  I’m loving me.  And I’m returning back to a healthy space of love and appreciation for the little things in life.  Life is simple and enjoyable.  Just Molly & Me.

 

life after psychosis

relish the fuck out of it

Since moving into my new digs, I am beginning to feel a special kind of calm, a peace, a super deep appreciation for all things in my world.

Sure, I’m witnessing my ego jump ahead 6 months and want to be somewhere it’s not, *rascally ego*, but I’m in a great position to just observe it, rein it in, and give thanks for exactly where I am.  And there is no place that I’d rather be right now.

I spent the last 6 months, wanting to be exactly where I am, that I’m going to enjoy it!  I’m going to dance in it, relish it and enjoy the fuck out of it, AND I’m also already planting the seeds now for the future creation to come into fruition for the next 6 months!  This is the way life goes.

If we kept focusing on the future we would not appreciate our now, and therefore not appreciate life.  This is it.  Right here, right now as Fatboy Slim would chant.

I feel like I’m reflecting on some deep thoughts, taking stock and preparing for an epic period to come.  Ways of being have been unraveled, and re-configured.  It’s like an upgrade has occurred and is integrating.  How life used to be done, cannot be done that way, that ship has sailed.  It’s like your latest version of Windows (clearly I’m still a PC user), operating on an old computer – there’s no way it could – everything constantly needs an upgrade, not just technology – us also.

I sit in such a space of contentment right now, I find myself sighing happy blissful sighs.  Sighs of just being here.  Nowhere else.  Not desiring anything to be different, but merely having so much appreciation for everything that is.  A very new space to be in, as we have been so programmed to be happy when we have xyz, when all our ducks are in a row.

Sure I could still say, I want xyz, and if I speak in Abraham speak – xyz already exists, it is in my vortex and is already making its’ way to me.  I simply need to stay aligned to it, removing any resistance to it & it will arrive at a time that is not up to me.  Knowing this, feeling into my essence gives me a sense of peace that is constantly available to me, that is, until I forget again.  Which I’m sure I will.

So for me right now – it’s a dance between sighing happy moment sighs, and aligning to what I am drawing into my physical reality and not focusing on what has not yet showed up, which is what we humans often tend to do, focus on the not having.  I know this has been my modus operandum for some time.  Wondering why I have been well equipt with everything I could possibility need, yet having a mentality of lack, re-playing that record over and over again.  I’m done with that programming.  Did you hear me.  Done.  Finished.  Fineto!

Yes, so after this eclipse, this full moon, this menstrual cycle I will have purged, cleansed and released all that is so done in my world.  I am making my way to the end of this very amazing cycle.  I have this theory about life in Bali.  That every Visa cycle represents particular lessons, and that when you leave Bali for a new Visa, holiday or whatever reason you leave Bali for, you return with a whole NEW beginning and a blank canvas right in front of you for the duration of that Visa.  Yes – it is an exciting time indeed.

relish the fuck out of it

2017 & finding my words again

2017 is here, 2016 fades, and I’m learning to find my words again.

For me, 2016 still lingers, like a bad smell that won’t quit.  A reminder of the epic lessons thrown at me.  The relentless pummeling, like being dumped in a massive surf break that appears as endless as an Australian Summer.

Last year was a massive year of endings, lessons, transformations, challenges & every other color in between that.  I was forced to let go of anything and everything I knew to be true, AND, any form of external safety or security I had created.

I found myself living in Bali for the full duration, with a brief trip to Australia for a visa run.  Other than that, it was life in a Silent Retreat for 8.5 months, followed by life in Ubud, Bali.

In hindsight now, I can see that I simply needed to make the decision to be here, rather than leave decisions to the wind and magically hope that Bali would simply provide everything I could need.  But hindsights are always that aren’t they, seeing life clearly once you’ve been on the rollercoaster ride of life adventure.

It was scary being here.  Scary in the not knowing, it still is.  Of surrendering to the fact that we are not control.  I struggle with this dance.  Of choosing a direction and trusting that I will be supported in it.  I think I am still holding the scars from the last time I trusted this process.  Leaving Australia for Canada, and then leaving Canada for New Zealand.  I’m smart ya know – I do understand that life is about experiences – adventure.  Successes and Failures.  But today I acknowledge *yet again* the pain of hurt in my heart from something that ended so abruptly.

So I struggle to choose something and trust.  Hence the non choosing of my life here in Bali.  To just wander and drift and hope that life would show up for me.  And it has, I have constantly been provided for.  Amazing friends & family who have provided accommodation, food & listening loving ears whenever I have needed.

But this way of living has invited a sense of hopelessness, a mistrust within myself that I didn’t hold the power to make anything happen, that I was at the complete mercy of life to carry me where I needed to go.  Even today I still feel like this.  Just having finished a conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop, I still feel powerless to life.

I know no one knows where they are going, but I for one feel like I’m leading the party on the mission to no where.  Sometimes I feel like I have it right, and everyone else has it wrong.  Because we aren’t going anywhere, we are only here. Right here, right now.  In fact to think we are going anywhere else but here is laughable!

“Want to make god laugh?  Tell him your plans.”

But my lesson of the year, is one of trust & co-creation.  Of working with the law of attraction to make the desirable occur.  I want a home.  I have to choose a home. Sounds basic right?  Yes.  But I’ve lacked the fundamental self belief that I am worthy of anything, so therefore chose to not choose anything.  And because I chose nothing, then nothing showed up, despite me wanting stuff.  I was in-congruent with my core belief – “I’m not worthy.”  So keep attracting more of not being worthy.  Ouch!

I’m on the final straight of this doozy of a lesson.  I am SO done with believing I am not enough, it serves NO ONE!

Yes – I have chosen that I want a home & am actively searching.  It is taking it’s sweet time for sure, but I’m putting it down to the right one making it’s way to me.  I am receiving messages that this lesson is near completion, that I have done the work, and that now it’s about letting go and allowing the final completion to occur with gratitude for all it’s wonder and juiciness.

I gave thanks to my dear Sista – Samaya last night, she has opened up her home to me & has made me feel nothing but welcome.  I said to her, if this is the final hurrah of this lesson, I’ve been given such a wonderful opportunity by sharing such quality time with her.

Forgive my writing, but I’m still finding my writing pants – I think I have lost them from the constant bed hopping that I’ve been participating in.  Writing feels like I am swimming in an alphabet stew and cannot connect the correct letters, let alone words, to put together.  I used to find writing & blogging so easy – but currently it’s like trying to swim to the surface after being pummeled by those said waves in the beginning.

2017 finding my words again

This is an Osho card reading I gave myself last night.  Depicting the situation at hand.
1 – The Issue – Consciousness
2 – What I’m present to internally – Innocence
3 – What needs to happen externally – Letting Go
4 – What is currently happening – Transformation
5 – The Outcome – Completion

3 of these cards being Major Arcana Cards – representing BIG lessons at play.

6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process

Perhaps you’ve read about the awakening process or are going through it yourself.  The world is shifting and people are awakening to the truth of this life. It can be a scary initiation that is a preparation into your unique life purpose and why you are living this life.  One that has more meaning than that of simply following the society norm of which we have been conditioned to through our up bringing.

To help a little, and normalize what you might be experiencing, I’ve compiled 6 examples to support your surrender and remind you you aren’t alone.

I know when I experienced these, I felt like I was the only person on Earth and didn’t understand what was happening.  Please know you’re not alone as many have gone before you, and are right alongside you right now.  At this time there is an abundance of people available to support you and understand your experience.

6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process

  • 1 – Something outside of your control happens;

    Maybe you lost your job?
    A large financial challenge occurs.
    You move homes, or locations.
    You’re going through a divorce or separation with a loved one.
    Someone dear to you passes on.
    A desired outcome was not fulfilled.

    Situations that occur beyond what our Ego has calculated can invite an opportunity for fear to visit.  This is not a bad thing.  Merely a chance to test our resiliency and feel emotions we may not have allowed ourselves to feel by being in our mapped out existence.  When we know what we know, well…  When we don’t know what we don’t know…

  • 2 – Feeling emotional for unknown reasons;

    You experience a spectrum of emotions for unknown (or maybe known) reasons. But you really do not understand WHY you feel this magnified way about this unknown, or known thing, but you do.  You feel like reclusing, hiding, you are unsure how to cope.

    When life happens for us externally, it can activate emotions that are suppressed within our psyche.  Something may have happened during our childhood years, or perhaps past lives, that we weren’t able to process, that now as an adult we have the capacity to.

  • 3 – Feeling alone/misunderstood in usual social situations;

    Going out tonight, you didn’t really feel like going.  But you go because you feel a sense of obligation.  It’s what you ‘should’ do.  The small talk at the outing feels really really hard. You long to simply be at home, or be able to talk about what is really going on in your life, but you feel far to vulnerable to show how you really feel and fear being judged and feeling like ‘that person’.  That person who is struggling with life and doesn’t have it all together.  Because of course we should, right?  (tongue in cheek)

    As our consciousness is shifting and we are awakening to a whole new world of thoughts, feelings, emotions and ways of being in the world, we begin to shift and out grow or existing reality.

  • 4 – Increased sensitivity to usual environments & information

    Watching the News, or reading Newspapers is no longer enjoyable. You don’t like the fear mongering in these stores, they make you feel bad.  You prefer to scroll Social Media for feel good stories, articles and information, watch YouTube Videos and choose to inform yourself on what ‘the people’ are sharing.  There are great things happening in the world too!  You are consciously choosing to feel good, not bad.

    You might be beginning to notice how easy it is to feel bad based on environmental factors.  Media, people, environments, food, bars, clubs, places you used to put your energy into.  You’ll be making conscious choices for what makes you feel good vs bad.

  • 5 – Falling away of current friendships

    You’re feeling like your current circle of friends don’t understand you and what is happening.  You struggle to talk to them and feel really uncomfortable when you try.  When you do, they console you with things like:
    – it’ll pass
    – you’ll be right // you’ll get through this
    – everyone goes through something
    – did you know such and such had xyz happen – you’re lucky compared to them
    It’s not their fault they don’t know how to acknowledge you, but you feel no better, maybe worse and more alone from not feeling heard.

    Yup – this is a tricky, and personal one to navigate.  Ensure you seek support from a practitioner who can acknowledge how you feel.  How you feel IS important and valid and it’s absolutely irrelevant to compare your situation to another person going through the same or different circumstances.  We are all unique and riding our own life waves.

  • 6 – There is discomfort in the life you once felt comfort

    Suddenly, being in large populated areas like shopping malls, supermarkets now aggravates you. The bright lights, artificial food & packaging, screaming children, intense energy, the sense of stress and urgency from over worked faces around you.  Not to mention the stress of getting in and out of the car park!

    Another uncomfortable one, but a great opportunity to acknowledge you and your needs.  There are other options available that don’t have to include going to a busy supermarket or mall.  Lucky now we have home gardens, whole foods stores, weekend markets, organic delivery services, co-ops.  Start doing some research if you haven’t already to connect with local people, create grass roots connections with others around you who are connected to the Earth.  Life isn’t a fast food store, so we shouldn’t live like it.

    Lots of wonderful unfolding lessons will show themselves in time.  This is a magical time where you will see more than you have before.  It may not feel like it at the time, but remember to breathe, seek support and know you are not alone in this.

 

6 Signs You're Experiencing the Awakening Process
The Awakening Process to Freedom

 

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How do I heal my Inner Child?

There hasn’t been much inspiration for blogging recently, I’ve been knee deep in emotional healing, loving my Inner Child, much to the disappointment of my inner ‘get things done’ self.  Apparently now is a time of deep inner healing, as reflected to me by my healer friend.

There’s been resistance with the acceptance of this, I mean, I am in the perfect place to be healing, but seriously, how long does one have to heal for – can I get on with the show already? Am I right?

It feels as though this year has been relentless in the pursuit of healing. The whole of 2016! In numerology this year is a 9 year, a year of endings. 2+0+1+6=9. Representing the ending of a 8/9 year cycle, and I tell you what, these numbers aren’t lying.  This last year feels like it has been dying a slow death, like the transition of seasons from fall to winter – but longer.

After spending 8.5 months in a Silent Retreat, 2.5 in Ubud – I feel like physically, I have not achieved one thing. Sure, there may be a few blog posts to show, pages and pages of scribbled journaling’s – most of which are ash by now.  I have 2 suitcases filled with my belongings & have accumulated one beautiful gifted wooden Ganesha representative of destroying my obstacles.  Sounds like a pretty clean simple year no?

Internally it looks like the Sahara desert, intuitively I feel endless rolling hills of cleared debris & destruction.  You can’t see my inner landscape, I can’t prove to you how much inner work I’ve done. We cannot sit and compare notes and graphs about who’s inner work is going to have the biggest return on investment, because this shit can’t be seen. When times like this in life present, (and yes I say times like this, as this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this), it is so easy to forget that life exists outside of the inner destruction that has occurred.

I forget that there IS a life of dreams and desires, of the world’s greatest riches. I forget that there are manifestations of unknown awaiting my rebirth into the world. I forget that there is a sea of possibility just begging me to grab a hold of it with both hands. I forget that I am a valued being on this planet and another voice for Mother Earth. I forget. I am lost in my inner Star Wars Movie – the battle of the dark side against the light.

how do I heal?

This recent battle is just about over. One that has invited my inner teenager with all her wounds, aches and pains. I was gifted a beautiful encounter with a gorgeous Balinese Man who’s smile was enough to make my heart melt, and it pretty much did. It has been about one full year since anyone had looked at me, so to feel my butterflies dance in my tummy was a strange, but exciting feeling – I decided to explore it. Why not?

Edges were met & my fears emerged, I didn’t know whether to let the whole thing go and continue to protect my precious heart, or to open and expand despite these fears. A trip back to the Silent Retreat and a deep dig towards some inner courage saw me return to Ubud lighter and ready to explore.

My heart was opened again and I felt as vulnerable as a fresh teenager rich with new hormones. She was out in full force. The beauty of this relationship was a test of this vulnerable part of myself – would she seek fulfillment in another, or would I (adult Heidi) rise to the challenge and be there to catch her – to meet her needs.

Heart open, arms wide, I was there to catch her, there could be no other way, because he was not available, nor is it his job. His heart closed, encased behind walls of hurt & pain. She kicked & screamed and yelled at me for love, so show up for her did. Time spent laying on my bed, holding my heart, tears streaming, journaling & meditation to hold her tightly was all I could do from going crazy thinking about him.

An external force brought into my world to make me show up stronger than I ever have for myself.  It’s been a good month of parenting myself, it has been wild & relentless. I am SO thankful to see who I am and understand how to care for me, to not throw myself at another in the vain ‘hope’ that he will give me what I needed to give myself.

The relationship has come to a close, and I am feeling a little more settled within my heart, aware of new lessons on the cusp. Trust & Intimacy… This inner work, really is akin to work – seriously! If there was a way to be paid for it, I would be onto the winning ticket.

Our relationships really are nothing but mirrors for us. Showing up to teach us the deepest parts of ourselves we have not yet met. It takes courage to engage in conscious relationships – that shit ain’t easy.

“the road can teach you how to love and let go,
it can be lonely, but it’s the only thing, that we’ve ever known…”

Wash It Away
Nahko Bear

> If you’re needing support in gaining clarity around your Inner Child within relationships, contact me at me@heidifirth.com or Be Your Own Guru – Worldwide on Facebook.