Life after psychosis

If you know me, or read my posts, you’ll know that some time ago I packed up my life in Sydney, Australia, to follow love and a Canadian calling.

I’ve written about this here. ¬†It was such an adventurous, exciting time in my life with memories that I will cherish forever.

Recently, I’ve started writing more in depth about my experience of what happened during my final week in Canada that saw me wind up home in New Zealand. ¬†I wrote a little about that here.

But this writing is more an attempt to articulate the experience of psychosis. ¬†It’s a word that I’ve heard dabbled around a bit lately, and strangely many people have experienced. ¬†I’ve taken this repetition as a calling to put pen to paper and explore the extremities of this phenomena.

The definition of psychosis;
a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

Yup – I dealt with this for about 5 days before normalizing out thanks to Chinese Medicine. ¬†Neil too had to deal with this, in me. ¬†It’s a scary arse experience to go through. ¬†There is no concept of right or wrong, only an extreme experience one is having and trying to cope and function with. ¬†I have been trying to make sense of this and the ending of our relationship since it happened in October 2015. Parts of it still feel very real, and parts of it I wonder if my brain made up?

I have described my experience to friends as extreme consciousness. ¬†Where my consciousness felt SO expanded, way past any pre-experienced states. ¬†So to feel the extent of what I felt, I don’t think was wrong. ¬†I think it is well within the realm of what humans are capable of. ¬†But to much to fast, invites the mind to create stories to try to cope with what it’s experiencing. ¬†Also unlocking the subconscious, releasing old patterns to transform them into some new. ¬†All filters removed, all pre-existing ways of being melt away allowing for complete and utter transparency.

Like the experience of communicating with multiple ‘people’ through the one person. ¬†While talking to Neil, I felt like I was talking to many different people. ¬†I could distinguish this based on his tone, his mannerisms, his language. ¬†The energy of that person was coming through him. ¬†People from my current reality, like my Mum, to people already past, like Neils Mum, or my Grandad. ¬†With the notion that we all are one – why would an experience like this not be reality?

Writing about it is confronting. ¬†It brings up old memories. ¬†It’s touching on my relationship with Neil yet again. ¬†I feel stormy and emotional just writing about it.

So why write about it?
– I feel like it’s important to bring all uncovered yuckiness to the surface to look at in the light of day. ¬†Sure my relationship might be over on a physical level, but if I am still being activated by old memories and thoughts, its means there’s still residue to clear. ¬†Old emotional baggage to put out with the trash. ¬†I’m sad for the way it ended. ¬†I’m sad that it didn’t resolve. ¬†It feels like a death without a farewell or ceremony. ¬†That shit lingers on in the psyche and energy body until it is cleared, and until it is, it’s like a ghost that will keep coming back to haunt.

So it’s not easy going over old ground again – having a good hard look at a difficult chapter. ¬†But I have to. ¬†I have to so I can continue moving forward, and maybe my writing might be entertaining. ¬†There are definitely some funny parts to it…

…like the story where I thought Andrew and Neil were Men In Black agents, protecting me from the Aliens. ¬†I thought Aliens were trying to kill me and bury me in the big dug out trenches around the condo. ¬†On a real life level, the water pipes were being dug up and replaced, but to me, they were digging my grave. ¬†It was so fucken scary! ¬†Black shiny cars pulling up, (or maybe regular cars?) lingering around and then taking off. ¬†I trusted Neil, and felt like I trusted Andrew – but my phone went missing and I saw Andrew display reptilian tendency’s, so I freaked out!

This Alien energy was that, an energy! ¬†It could jump from person to person and sometimes I would lock Neil out of the house because I was that scared. ¬†I would make him shower immediately to wash away any residue he’d collected from being out in the world. ¬†I would sage the house and set it up with Angelic protection to keep us safe and protected – this was absolutely imperative.

So I’m writing about stories like this and more.

Neil later told me that dealing with me during this week was harder than him dealing with the death of his Mother – ouch. ¬†That boy dropped me off in New Zealand, then went running (flying) back home to Canada, grateful to see the back of me. ¬†Credit to him he packed up the remainder of my belongings and shipped them to New Zealand. ¬†When I packed in Canada for New Zealand, my brain didn’t have the capacity to think forward to what was happening. ¬†I packed my bag thinking New Zealand and then… ¬†I never thought that was it between him and I.

Fast forward 1 year, 4 months as I sit in my little space in the Lodtunduh, Ubud. ¬†I am grateful for the smallest things. ¬†To cook my own food, to hang my clothes, to be warm and dry. ¬†Nothing else really seems to matter than this right now. ¬†Of course the Earth – but that’s another conversation. ¬†Right now my mind can’t seem to stretch to big things. ¬†I’m here. ¬†I’m loving me. ¬†And I’m returning back to a healthy space of love and appreciation for the little things in life. ¬†Life is simple and enjoyable. ¬†Just Molly & Me.

 

life after psychosis

My experience with Landmark & why I’ve come home to NZ

So I’m in New Zealand after a whirlwind of events sees me here.

About a week ago, I returned home to Victoria BC, after spending a weekend in Vancouver attending a 5 day course in the name in The Landmark Forum.

To my knowledge, millions of people around the world have participated in this course, so you may have even heard of it?

Working for lululemon athletica, it is something that every employee gains the opportunity to attend as it is seen as something of value for one’s personal development. Chip Wilson, founder of lululemon took away grand insights into the way he was as a person, which then affected how he ran his company. Since then, lululemon employees across the globe get to experience this course after having worked for the company for 8 months.

Lets cut to the chase. I was pretty curious about what this was going to offer me. After having completed 2 intensive diplomas ‚Äď each 2-4 years in duration to complete, one in Transformational Life Coaching & the other in Energy Healing ‚Äď I knew I couldn’t and didn’t know it all, but was naturally curious – what would this course offer me?

Landmark breaks life down into a really simple structure, which make you reflect on yourself. It invites you to look at all the stories you’ve created, which have made up your life, and ask yourself ‚Äúwhat is really real here‚ÄĚ?

I got this part. I’ve been self reflecting for a good 10 years now, and know myself pretty thoroughly. But this method that they were teaching, was just so bang on, that one had to ask, well, what really IS real?

I have come to know that I am Heidi. Maybe not from this planet, maybe from some other light galaxy, incarnated into a human form in this lifetime to support people waking up to who they are. I appear light, bright, happy & personable. My purpose in life is to show others that they are their own gurus, their own healers so to speak. I knew that heading into this course.

Coming out of it on Tuesday night. I was absolutely that light being. Feeling like I could inspire change with a single conversation. Feeling like I was a world changer. Which isn’t a terrible thing, however that power can contain ego if one is not to careful. Posting on social media¬†like a show off, running around your day like a mad fool, touching and inspiring all who subconsciously call for your help.

I returned to work on Wednesday, and was floating like a newly awakened being. ¬†I initiated very real conversations everywhere I stepped. A guest would comment on her weight, and I wouldn’t hesitate to get into the nitty gritty of what was happening and have her share what was in her way. You begin to notice how random strangers will drop the tinniest of hints which are a cry for help. They may not be aware of it, but to the listening ears, you hear every word & tone.

I had a short shift that day where I felt like I was on fire. ¬†Chatting to colleagues and guests, left right and centre. Stirring up change everywhere I went & with every conversation. I respected those who didn’t engage in conversation, and those that did – held the conversation as long as invited by them. ¬†It all felt very free flowing and intuitive. ¬†My lunch break rolled around and I suddenly wasn’t feeling well. I actually felt like I was going to die. Intense I know! So I called Neil and asked him to pick me up as this was how I was feeling.
> I won’t elaborate on this story & feeling of dying just yet. It leads into another existential story, ‚Äď I’ll share it another time, or save this for myself.

Fast forward to the next few days. What goes up, must come down. There is a balance to life, a polarity to everything. Hot/Cold, Light/Dark, Happy/Sad ‚Äď you get it…

With such an inspired high, there had to be the equivalent low. What I unknowingly had tapped into were memories from my past. My early childhood past. Now these are not horrible by any means. But lets just remind ourselves here, how does a child react when they are upset? What if he/she doesn’t get their own way? They throw a tantrum right? They express their anguish fully without hesitation! Lets just leave that example a seed of what was to come.

About 2-3 days of exploding like a child. Anger, Fear, Frustration, Sadness, Grief… No ego restrictions on releasing the ‘pain’ of my childhood. I didn’t know what was happening, and neither did my dear partner Neil.

He had come to his wits end with my behavior, and didn’t know what to do with me. He was scared & frightened – and understandingly so. ¬†He’d spoken to his friends and they advised him to simply take me to the nearest hospital ‚Äď get me dosed up on medication.

Neil knew I wouldn’t want that, so swallowed his pride (I imagine?) and called my Mum at home in NZ. Fast forward this part of the story, and here I am, with Neil & Mum, in Te Awamutu, New Zealand.

They have both been super worried about me, and want to know tangible results about why I acted out of character, so yesterday took me to a local Dr who listened to this story. He sent me for blood tests, in which the results should come through tomorrow some time.

There are so many other parts to this story which I will share in time, if the time is right.

Parts where I could hear various people, living & passed over, speaking through Neil to me. Lucid dream states where I saw various Spirit Animals show up to support the release of our pain. Even in awake states, various animals showed up to help us move through stuff. Animals such as Squirrels, Raccoons, Ravens, Dogs, a marvelous spider who weaved his magical web to protect our home, and even a Cougar making itself seen throughout Victoria that weekend.

I thought I was a shaman, moving various rocks and such around my home, orchestrating a change in the world, and a healing of the planet. I chanted, sang, drummed and played my Spirit Flute as needed, and heard the neighbors drum & tap in support of something they’d long wished for. I dreamt that I was one of 4 shamans overseen by one head shaman who would eventually invite us to his home in California to discuss these dreams & experiences, and go through an initiation process.

It has been a wild ride, and that description doesn’t even cut it.

The human brain is wild and mysterious, and after this experience, I really don’t think it should be pushed the way that it was at Landmark. I am speaking for myself exclusively. I cannot speak for others.

My takeaway from this, is DO NOT hurry your personal development! Be gentle, be compassionate, be nurturing, be LOVING. LOVE yourself as you would love another, how you would want to be loved in the world. Be that & that is all that you need to be. LOVE.

As a side note here; if you are experiencing any challenges based on dealing with your past, please reach out to me for support.  I understand how confusing it can be & how those around you may not understand.  I am available via Skype & Email at this stage.  heidi.firth | heidi.firth11@gmail.com

My experience at The Landmark Forum