A story for you my sister…

A reoccurring theme has been emerging in my dreams for some years now.

I had another last night, and when I awoke, spent some time reflecting on it.

It connects to an experience I had during my teenage years.

In these years, it involves my friends not inviting me to join them for a spa at one of our guy friends houses’. ¬†We were staying/living together at the time, and after dinner, everyone quietly packed up & left without so much as a see you later.

I found myself alone within the house wondering Рwhat had I done?  Why had I not been invited?  I was devastated!

Mum was out of town at the time, hence the three of us living together during this time. ¬†Mum had ‘conveniently’ changed the locks on our family home, so I couldn’t access it while they were gone. ¬†I still called her & told her what had happened, and she organised for me to move into her friends’ home until she returned.

So I packed up my things and moved in with Diane. ¬†I didn’t speak to my ‘friends’ for the next couple of years.
Bam. Done. ¬†What had I done? ¬†Till this day I still don’t know what happened?

The theme of this experience, repeats itself in my dreams, and has done for years.  The devastation of not being invited to hang with my so called friends.  Rejection, Devastation & Hurt.  So when the dream arose again this morning I begun to question it some more.

How do I really feel about what happened back then?
– Upset

Where do I feel ‘upset’ in my body?
– My heart

Am I ready to let this pain go?
– Yes

What do I need in order to do that?
– Let go

At the moment, when thinking about how I felt during this, it feels almost as real as the day it happened. ¬†It’s like I could pick up the phone & call these girls and ask them why? ¬†If it wasn’t nearly 20 years later!

It got me thinking. ¬†What is their experience of this memory? ¬†What was going on for them to practice such cruel behavior? ¬†Did they even consider their behavior? ¬†There are different sides to every story. ¬†If this is mine, what was/is theirs’? ¬†Curious.

It is only now with my open perspective that I can see the full glass, as opposed to the narrow view I saw back then. ¬†I still hold/held (moving into past tense) pain for the incident, I’m human, and this is my healing. ¬†However there is always a greater perspective at play. ¬†I may, or may not ever get to know it, but life can be funny that way. ¬†Like puzzle pieces fitting together, sometime it might not fit together until a riper age of grace.

I see this puzzle piece as being a small part of the whole, in regards to my healing as a female. ¬†I still get menstrual cramps, and have as long as I can remember. ¬†I know that it is NOT NORMAL, yet society dictates that it is very normal for woman to get cramps. ¬†I’m sorry – but I call Bull Shit!

Bull Shit to it being normal, that woman accept something as natural as the ebb and flow of nature, is painful!

Bull Shit to aches that land some woman bed ridden for days!

I call BULL SHIT!

I believe as women, we have lost of primal ways.  We have suppressed them SO deep within us, that we actually have no memory or connection to what they are anymore.

I believe that we suffer in aloneness, so fearful to show our vulnerability to other woman, for fear of judgement & rejection.

Yet I believe that each and everyone of us, feels a deep pain within us, that is yearning for expression, that is yearning to be heard & received by other woman.

I know I feel alone in mine.  There have been times that I have wailed into my pillow for humanity Рthe pain of it all. The pain of being a woman, the pain of feeling such emotions that cannot be explained.  The pain of not being understood by your mate Рwho looks at you baffled.

Why are we not tearing down these walls that separate us?  We sincerely have work to do.  To not only heal ourselves, but our generational lineage AND the planet РMOTHER EARTH herself!

WE have WORK WILD WOMAN!

And so we must address our deepest yearnings, our deepest emotions and raw selves.

WE must address our dreams, our memories, our aches and our pains.

We must hold our sisters as they divulge their truth, setting them & ourselves free from our shackles.

Many a goddess circle is arriving even online during these times.  There are so many opportunities for support if we are open, courageous & vulnerable to seek it.

I know that it is scary, god knows that I know. ¬†But I’m tired of doing this on my own. ¬†I’m ready for something new. I’m ready to love & to receive that same love.

I’m ready to let my guard down – so that you dear sister can see me, and I can see you.

 

 

What if I’m me? No one will like me…

My¬†reflections this morning on my self created belief that if I’m being me, no one will like me…

What to do when life as you know it changes…

One of my biggest challenges in life so far is one of surrender.

Surrendering to what is, as opposed to what I want to be.

A lot of the time it is relatively easy. ¬†Surrendering to a rest when I wanted to exercise. ¬†Surrendering to not getting all the housework done when there are other to do’s to do. ¬†Surrendering to not going out with friends when I need to catch up with myself.

These are all lessons in there own regard, but one’s I’ve been able to go with the flow with.

But what if the lessons are a little larger to let go of, what if it is something that you can feel grips you until your breaking point?

Currently it feels as though my experience of life changes daily.  What I thought I previously understood, changes in an instant!

Thoughts I’ve had about how to do something, or how I think something will unfold, can change as quickly as a thought.

And in that statement it says it all really.

Because everything that we believe is only a mere thought that can be changed in an instant.

And so to be in the experience of, is really all there is.

So how can one be attached to thoughts in life when they are mere fictions in our mind?

It is the conditioning of the mind, and the lessons of a lifetime to undo the conditioning of what we have learnt.

I find myself in observation of being attached to particular thoughts, only to discover that these are untrue.

My most recent one is recognizing how my Ego wants recognition.

Having commenced a ‘new’ job, one where I felt like I knew the basics of really well, I found it quite a challenge to be treated as a newbie and have to under go the training of it all over again.

I found that internally I was saying quite often “I know this, or I know that”.

It made me feel less than, to think that these people thought I knew nothing all over again.
(This wasn’t truth, merely¬†my own projection of how I feel about myself).

And so my ego felt somewhat wounded, wounded through lack of recognition.

And in this, I realize how much I seek recognition.  Recognition that I somehow know enough, and not just within the confines of my job, but in life.

I want people to recognize that I know what I know.  To believe that I am as amazing as I believe myself to be.

I am aware of how I wish more than anything, for people to see me and be in awe of.

Which when I really ask myself, is not how I want to live my life.  Being awed.  I want everyone to recognize their own awe within.  The Guru within.

This feels like one small puzzle piece in the recent jumbo puzzle that is unfolding. ¬†The one where I pulled my energies back into place, and saw that I no longer needed to ‘fit in’ to be accepted. ¬†That it is actually ok, to simply be me. ¬†And in aligning with simply being me, I am learning new lessons around this.

That now, people might not resonate with me, because I am me. ¬†And that that’s not my fault, or problem. ¬†I don’t need to change who I am in order to make them more comfortable or like me.

I have often kept myself in a safe space of creating an illusion of being on a pedestal. ¬†Not that I think that I’m any better than anyone else, but it has been a mechanism that has kept me safe. ¬†If I am ok, and somewhat understanding of those around me, then I cannot be vulnerable. ¬†Which again is another untruth. ¬†Because I am surrendering more and more to being vulnerable. ¬†If I am not open to being vulnerable, then how can I invite others to be?! ¬†However this is also something than continues to unfold.

Breaking down the confines of who you think you are, to move towards who you innately are, is one courageous feat, and I feel like it is something that does not end. ¬†Perhaps in stages within our lives we are confronted with greater shifts that need to happen, as opposed to the more subtle one’s that happen almost unknowingly like shedding dry skin in winter.

At times we are called to pull deep within our being in order to acknowledge our inner call, initially we might not like what we see, and might be in fear of what hides beneath, this is why it takes courage.  Courage that cannot be found on Facebook or our Instagram feed.  We all have the resources that will see us through this journey, but will we take it?  We hear about it through our stories and our social media, but to personally undertake it, is such a different story.  It is our own.

It may take us away from what we understand in life to be real, it may take us away from the people in our lives we thought would be there rain, hail or shine. ¬†It may feel lonely & isolating at times, and that no one is the world could understand what we’re experiencing.

The truth will set you free.  And you will be & you are.

Free from the confines of your mind that has kept you trapped from a life that was created to keep you safe.

Safe from what? ¬†Well, I’ll let you explore that, and it will all become clear when you take your first steps towards your truth.

Why is my life so hard?Be Your Own Guru – NO ONE CAN BE THAT FOR YOU!

 

If you are experiencing steps towards becoming your own Guru, and are in need of guidance, I offer Be Your Own Guru Coaching.  Reach me at me@heidifirth.com

What I did after my partners Mother died

I am drawn to write about an interesting topic, I can’t say I’ve seen to much written on.

How do you deal/cope/work with, your partner, when he or she is dealing with the loss of a parent, or loved one?

This is coming up for me in my life right now, and I have reached a conclusion that I’m comfortable with, but thought it might be interesting to start a conversation.

My partner has been dealing with the loss of his Mother.

She passed away so suddenly, 65 years young, on 25 August 2014, not to long before I moved to Canada.

He has been the sole Executor of her Estate.  Dealing with everything from the sale of her house, sale of her car, all of her finances, every single belonging in her home Рincluding all photo albums, even down to his old baby clothing and toys.  Everything.

It has only really been 2-3 weeks since we returned from Ontario, packing up all her possessions and shipping them back here to British Columbia.  That is 7 months that he has been responsible for ALL of the above duties.  7 Months!  Where is his time to grieve within that?

He has dealt with a niggly cough and a runny nose here and there, but really…

What does grief look like? ¬†Does it have a structure, and shape? ¬†I’m pretty positive it doesn’t.

Then it is only understandable his recent behavior and who he is choosing to be right now.

The past few weekends he has had fairly huge nights out with the boys, ending with a night on the couch, either here or at a friends.  There have been long working days, facebook & internet trawling during non business hours, the odd snappy comment, all disbursed amoungst the odd moment of being.  When these are out of reach, he is snoring wherever his head lays.

Perhaps this is grief for him?

Now, I’ve been going through my process of judging this. ¬†Initially thinking “come on! deal with your emotions!”

Just like with my clients, I cannot have an agenda for how he chooses to deal with his.  But internally, I have had.

What comes up for me, is I miss all the beautiful interactions that I share with him, when he is present and free from his pain. ¬†Loving intimacy, fun & laughter, joy & playfulness. ¬†It can be easy for me to point the finger and judge him thinking;¬†this, that, or the other isn’t happening, point my finger at him to deal with his¬†stuff!

But this is a relationship, sometimes there will be challenging ebb & flow between joy, sadness, laughter and discomfort.

As he disappears into his world of distraction, perhaps this is an invitation for me to lean into my power and strength and support him. Loosing my agenda to what I wish for, and simply being in the moment of discomfort with him.  I have been doing this on occasion, and notice it does require strength and grande self care.  I often need to excuse myself for walks, meditation or time out when I need Рthis has been SO important.

I am acknowledging this more as I write.  This is not the work that returns a pat on the back, or large shinny accolade.  It is truly life and who we choose to be for each other through its various stages.

After my years of self development work, learning to love myself and take care of myself, I am only too aware how selfish this has made me. Being selfish is not a bad thing, though when it stops us from loving and caring for those around us, then we need to re-establish new patterns for being.  I think this is my current lesson.

One day the tables may turn, and I might find myself in his position, with him feeling the same way I am right now.

Life and it’s magical Ebb & Flows.

dealing-with-grief
Neil, Andrew & their Mom

 

 

How have you dealt with emotional challenges within your close relationships? ¬†I’d LOVE to hear your experiences.

Please leave a comment below to share a discussion xx

Want to see a preview of me before TRANSFORMATION?

Today I decided to start my own 30 Day Vlog Challenge

I want to overcome my own judgments of myself

WHY
– share how I live
– gain a greater reach
– practice my speaking
– share my weirdness

INTENTION
– share my knowledge & wisdom
– inspire greater health
– reach people who need what I’m sharing

LET GO
– my judgement of how I look
– needing to be perfect
– my image
– repetitive ‘ya knows’ & ‘ums’

WELCOME IN
– greater speaking clarity
– speak succinctly
– share whats on my mind
– bring out more of my personality
– confidence speaking on video
– allow spirit to speak
– FUN & JOY