A reoccurring theme has been emerging in my dreams for some years now.
I had another last night, and when I awoke, spent some time reflecting on it.
It connects to an experience I had during my teenage years.
In these years, it involves my friends not inviting me to join them for a spa at one of our guy friends houses’. We were staying/living together at the time, and after dinner, everyone quietly packed up & left without so much as a see you later.
I found myself alone within the house wondering – what had I done? Why had I not been invited? I was devastated!
Mum was out of town at the time, hence the three of us living together during this time. Mum had ‘conveniently’ changed the locks on our family home, so I couldn’t access it while they were gone. I still called her & told her what had happened, and she organised for me to move into her friends’ home until she returned.
So I packed up my things and moved in with Diane. I didn’t speak to my ‘friends’ for the next couple of years.
Bam. Done. What had I done? Till this day I still don’t know what happened?
The theme of this experience, repeats itself in my dreams, and has done for years. The devastation of not being invited to hang with my so called friends. Rejection, Devastation & Hurt. So when the dream arose again this morning I begun to question it some more.
How do I really feel about what happened back then?
Where do I feel ‘upset’ in my body?
– My heart
Am I ready to let this pain go?
What do I need in order to do that?
– Let go
At the moment, when thinking about how I felt during this, it feels almost as real as the day it happened. It’s like I could pick up the phone & call these girls and ask them why? If it wasn’t nearly 20 years later!
It got me thinking. What is their experience of this memory? What was going on for them to practice such cruel behavior? Did they even consider their behavior? There are different sides to every story. If this is mine, what was/is theirs’? Curious.
It is only now with my open perspective that I can see the full glass, as opposed to the narrow view I saw back then. I still hold/held (moving into past tense) pain for the incident, I’m human, and this is my healing. However there is always a greater perspective at play. I may, or may not ever get to know it, but life can be funny that way. Like puzzle pieces fitting together, sometime it might not fit together until a riper age of grace.
I see this puzzle piece as being a small part of the whole, in regards to my healing as a female. I still get menstrual cramps, and have as long as I can remember. I know that it is NOT NORMAL, yet society dictates that it is very normal for woman to get cramps. I’m sorry – but I call Bull Shit!
Bull Shit to it being normal, that woman accept something as natural as the ebb and flow of nature, is painful!
Bull Shit to aches that land some woman bed ridden for days!
I call BULL SHIT!
I believe as women, we have lost of primal ways. We have suppressed them SO deep within us, that we actually have no memory or connection to what they are anymore.
I believe that we suffer in aloneness, so fearful to show our vulnerability to other woman, for fear of judgement & rejection.
Yet I believe that each and everyone of us, feels a deep pain within us, that is yearning for expression, that is yearning to be heard & received by other woman.
I know I feel alone in mine. There have been times that I have wailed into my pillow for humanity – the pain of it all. The pain of being a woman, the pain of feeling such emotions that cannot be explained. The pain of not being understood by your mate – who looks at you baffled.
Why are we not tearing down these walls that separate us? We sincerely have work to do. To not only heal ourselves, but our generational lineage AND the planet – MOTHER EARTH herself!
WE have WORK WILD WOMAN!
And so we must address our deepest yearnings, our deepest emotions and raw selves.
WE must address our dreams, our memories, our aches and our pains.
We must hold our sisters as they divulge their truth, setting them & ourselves free from our shackles.
Many a goddess circle is arriving even online during these times. There are so many opportunities for support if we are open, courageous & vulnerable to seek it.
I know that it is scary, god knows that I know. But I’m tired of doing this on my own. I’m ready for something new. I’m ready to love & to receive that same love.
I’m ready to let my guard down – so that you dear sister can see me, and I can see you.