8 Month Womb of Bali Love

These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection.  It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.

Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation.  Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to.  I’m Heidi – I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path.  This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.

I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.

It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period.  Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward.  After all, doesn’t it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life?  Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action.  Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties.  Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe.  “Il dolce far niente.”

I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly.  After all, as the saying goes “we get what we need, not what we want.”

I’ve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life – making a living – in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali.  It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‘in control’ of such simple matters.  However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on.  I have been gifted a break from the rat race.  An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.

Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali.  An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective.  To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble.  A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed.  Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, “what am I doing with my life!”

Feeling unbiased either way upon my return – should I stay, should I go – I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed – I felt freer.  But direction & purpose were still no more clearer.   Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I’d hoped options would become clear to me.  This wasn’t to be the case.  Foggier and foggier I became.  I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force.  Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear.  I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.

That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy.  Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished.  I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online.  I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins.  I started watching it out of curiosity.  He’s been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him.  However he has a movie set for release shortly titled “I am not your Guru”, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept.  I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.

Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like “how to control your emotions” thinking, this will be interesting.  I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he’s talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.

I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something.  I get this.  We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message.  I get this also.  What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 – Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 – Take action preceding the situation.

Watch the mentioned Tony Robbin’s Video here

 

I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed.  For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness.  So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth.  Allowing it to be what is.  It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine.  Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity – having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age?  Perhaps making up for lost time, I don’t know?

This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked “what do I do next?”  I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration.  A clear indication around what action I needed to take.  Up until recently, I’ve been getting nadda.  This morning what came through was a message – “back yourself.”

What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control.  I am in charge of what I want to create.  I looked at why I am feeling this way.  I got really honest with myself.  I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously.  So what was my resistance?

I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone.  That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be.  I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself.  I was my own boss.  I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!

This memory reminded me that I can do that again!

I needed to internally choose.  I needed to step up, to back myself.  To choose that I want to work for myself.  To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here.  Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards.  I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now.  Now is the time to do.

As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout.  I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them.  I was my own Personal Trainer.  Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.

This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session!  Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good.  In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.

There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being.  We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment.  It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.

womb of bali love

 

Grief Friend you are Welcome

Have you noticed how grief can be a trickster at times?

Disguised in one form, dressed as another.

Like an unannounced house guest, he knocks at the door, packed bags in hand, you answer in your underwear, the house a mess, you’re unprepared.  “Hello friend, I am Grief.”

He has come to visit.  To turn him away would be unheard of, perhaps a crime.  He never quite says what he needs, why he’s here, or how long he’ll stay for.  But you welcome him in, albeit reluctantly.  You both take a seat on the couch and he starts the conversation.

“How are you friend?”

You give your surface level reply.  “I’m good, I’m busy with work, friends, social situations, family.  I’m grateful for everything & everything is fine.”

He responds, “Is that right?  Tell me about how you’ve been feeling during your evenings alone?”

Something clicks inside.  You know exactly the feeling he is referring to.  You’ve been binging on chocolate & Netflix each night, in an avoidance of feeling this now named feeling.

“Tell me about THAT feeling he says, compassionately, lovingly.”

You sit for a moment.  For maybe the first time, tuning into that discomfort that resides in your body.  Uggghhh – there it is.  That heavy weight sitting, waiting…  Your breathing drops…  Your heart rate present – now seemingly louder…  You feel the energy expand outwards from this rock like weight.  Tears are forming behind your eyes, it’s coming…

You can’t hold back, nor would you want to.  You’ve wanted to acknowledge this, to feel this pain, you’ve just secretly been afraid.  The heavens pour down and you’re running with it.  Tears are falling down your face just like melting ice in your hot hand on a Summers day… your stomach contracts & heaves, as does your whole body in unison.  Your mind is blank in this moment, you have found relief.  In complete surrender to your bodies natural seasonal change – this emotional state.

Grief sits there quietly, very still.  Just looking upon you gently, lovingly.  A companion who has your back.  You continue to cry, beginning to wonder if there will be an end to this heaviness?

 

Time has passed some.  You’ve witnessed new insights drop into your mind, ah ha’s of what has been held so contained.

Memories from your past floating up from your subconscious.  Making their transition from one realm, to the next.  You can see more clearly, what was hiding.

What you were so frightened of.  It is not so frightening anymore.  Only here.  Present.  Accepted.  Free.  No stories. It is free.  You are free.  You are releasing the old.  The old that has driven you to hide from yourself.  Your truth.

Grief sits.

Placing his hands on your heavy heart.  You feel the ache.  The physical ache that now resides where before, pain sat.

You feel different.  Tired.  Numb.  Sad.  Heavy.

The couch feels good.  Comfortable.

The convulsions have subsided, the tears are now dry.

Your head feels expanded, kinda headachy, like it has just been squashed, but blast open.

Your mind blank.

Sitting…  Starring…  Quiet…  Peace…

Breathing now slow & consistent.  You look at grief, he holds your gaze in return.

“How are you friend?”  he asks.

You return his gaze and answer, “How are YOU friend?”

Grief has been heard.  He has been seen.  He sighs in his recognition.

Together you become one.

grief

Create Change in the World

To create change in the world, I write for me.  To connect with a story from my soul.
To give my soul a purpose.  I like the idea of having no agenda.

There is so much freedom in no agenda.
The same goes for other areas in life.

When we have no agenda in everything we are free.
Free to be, do, say anything because its affect doesn’t matter.

All that matters is the moment and how we are in the moment.
Because the next doesn’t exist.

Not yet.
Not ever.

There is just this moment now.

An expression of who we are in this moment can only be who we are.  Peace within is the very space we crave.
There is no peace without ourselves first and foremost.

We all long for quiet sanctuary.
Free from mind confines, and tasks, and to do’s.

A moments rest if only for a moment can be peace enough to fulfill desires.

But, what if desires are not fulfilled?
What if longing and a pull forward is where our minds are focused?
What if we are not living a now based life style?
Where are we then?
Where are we existing?

Life is full of experience.
PAST.  PRESENT.  FUTURE.
All are experiences of our humanness.

Learning where and how to work within these can be a key tool to navigate our minds.

Such power tools of destruction they can be if not used respectfully.  Give space to unknowns and dissolve the illusion of control with our mind-work.
When ‘out of control’ is present we need presence.
The dance of polarities.

Such is life.

If there was one without the other, there would be collapse.
If suddenly opposite ends merges – then what?

An introspective BOOM!

Who knows?

The world will change as we on an individual level accept our personal change.

I wish for others to align to their path as and when they are meant to, this, is what I am in a hurry for!
But, this is agenda?

Let us really connect to our inner primate.
Let us truly align to that which brought us here, here to this incredible planet.

Go can go Paleo & eat your grass feed cow, sure.
Please do.

But tell me, would you messy your hands with the blood shed to do so?
This is your primal-ness.

Connect in with that before you preach to the masses about how & where to eat.

Talk to your farmer.
What is their names?
How were they raised?
What is their connection to the land?
Their tribe?
The spirits?
All land has depth.
A Story.
The spirits know this.

Look between the cracks.
The stories we have created about what is right & wrong.

We need to ask deeper, real questions, about what is right for us.
The land.
The planet and great well-being.

It is no longer ok, to accept what we are taught.
For what we are taught does not come from our own guidance.

Our inner guidance knows.
It couldn’t not.

You arrived here knowing this, but somehow forgetting.
Align.  Connect.  Breathe, and give space and the truth will shine through.

It will fill the space and shift the darkness and anything that no longer serves.  create change in the world

My experience with Landmark & why I’ve come home to NZ

So I’m in New Zealand after a whirlwind of events sees me here.

About a week ago, I returned home to Victoria BC, after spending a weekend in Vancouver attending a 5 day course in the name in The Landmark Forum.

To my knowledge, millions of people around the world have participated in this course, so you may have even heard of it?

Working for lululemon athletica, it is something that every employee gains the opportunity to attend as it is seen as something of value for one’s personal development. Chip Wilson, founder of lululemon took away grand insights into the way he was as a person, which then affected how he ran his company. Since then, lululemon employees across the globe get to experience this course after having worked for the company for 8 months.

Lets cut to the chase. I was pretty curious about what this was going to offer me. After having completed 2 intensive diplomas – each 2-4 years in duration to complete, one in Transformational Life Coaching & the other in Energy Healing – I knew I couldn’t and didn’t know it all, but was naturally curious – what would this course offer me?

Landmark breaks life down into a really simple structure, which make you reflect on yourself. It invites you to look at all the stories you’ve created, which have made up your life, and ask yourself “what is really real here”?

I got this part. I’ve been self reflecting for a good 10 years now, and know myself pretty thoroughly. But this method that they were teaching, was just so bang on, that one had to ask, well, what really IS real?

I have come to know that I am Heidi. Maybe not from this planet, maybe from some other light galaxy, incarnated into a human form in this lifetime to support people waking up to who they are. I appear light, bright, happy & personable. My purpose in life is to show others that they are their own gurus, their own healers so to speak. I knew that heading into this course.

Coming out of it on Tuesday night. I was absolutely that light being. Feeling like I could inspire change with a single conversation. Feeling like I was a world changer. Which isn’t a terrible thing, however that power can contain ego if one is not to careful. Posting on social media like a show off, running around your day like a mad fool, touching and inspiring all who subconsciously call for your help.

I returned to work on Wednesday, and was floating like a newly awakened being.  I initiated very real conversations everywhere I stepped. A guest would comment on her weight, and I wouldn’t hesitate to get into the nitty gritty of what was happening and have her share what was in her way. You begin to notice how random strangers will drop the tinniest of hints which are a cry for help. They may not be aware of it, but to the listening ears, you hear every word & tone.

I had a short shift that day where I felt like I was on fire.  Chatting to colleagues and guests, left right and centre. Stirring up change everywhere I went & with every conversation. I respected those who didn’t engage in conversation, and those that did – held the conversation as long as invited by them.  It all felt very free flowing and intuitive.  My lunch break rolled around and I suddenly wasn’t feeling well. I actually felt like I was going to die. Intense I know! So I called Neil and asked him to pick me up as this was how I was feeling.
> I won’t elaborate on this story & feeling of dying just yet. It leads into another existential story, – I’ll share it another time, or save this for myself.

Fast forward to the next few days. What goes up, must come down. There is a balance to life, a polarity to everything. Hot/Cold, Light/Dark, Happy/Sad – you get it…

With such an inspired high, there had to be the equivalent low. What I unknowingly had tapped into were memories from my past. My early childhood past. Now these are not horrible by any means. But lets just remind ourselves here, how does a child react when they are upset? What if he/she doesn’t get their own way? They throw a tantrum right? They express their anguish fully without hesitation! Lets just leave that example a seed of what was to come.

About 2-3 days of exploding like a child. Anger, Fear, Frustration, Sadness, Grief… No ego restrictions on releasing the ‘pain’ of my childhood. I didn’t know what was happening, and neither did my dear partner Neil.

He had come to his wits end with my behavior, and didn’t know what to do with me. He was scared & frightened – and understandingly so.  He’d spoken to his friends and they advised him to simply take me to the nearest hospital – get me dosed up on medication.

Neil knew I wouldn’t want that, so swallowed his pride (I imagine?) and called my Mum at home in NZ. Fast forward this part of the story, and here I am, with Neil & Mum, in Te Awamutu, New Zealand.

They have both been super worried about me, and want to know tangible results about why I acted out of character, so yesterday took me to a local Dr who listened to this story. He sent me for blood tests, in which the results should come through tomorrow some time.

There are so many other parts to this story which I will share in time, if the time is right.

Parts where I could hear various people, living & passed over, speaking through Neil to me. Lucid dream states where I saw various Spirit Animals show up to support the release of our pain. Even in awake states, various animals showed up to help us move through stuff. Animals such as Squirrels, Raccoons, Ravens, Dogs, a marvelous spider who weaved his magical web to protect our home, and even a Cougar making itself seen throughout Victoria that weekend.

I thought I was a shaman, moving various rocks and such around my home, orchestrating a change in the world, and a healing of the planet. I chanted, sang, drummed and played my Spirit Flute as needed, and heard the neighbors drum & tap in support of something they’d long wished for. I dreamt that I was one of 4 shamans overseen by one head shaman who would eventually invite us to his home in California to discuss these dreams & experiences, and go through an initiation process.

It has been a wild ride, and that description doesn’t even cut it.

The human brain is wild and mysterious, and after this experience, I really don’t think it should be pushed the way that it was at Landmark. I am speaking for myself exclusively. I cannot speak for others.

My takeaway from this, is DO NOT hurry your personal development! Be gentle, be compassionate, be nurturing, be LOVING. LOVE yourself as you would love another, how you would want to be loved in the world. Be that & that is all that you need to be. LOVE.

As a side note here; if you are experiencing any challenges based on dealing with your past, please reach out to me for support.  I understand how confusing it can be & how those around you may not understand.  I am available via Skype & Email at this stage.  heidi.firth | heidi.firth11@gmail.com

My experience at The Landmark Forum

Why I question EVERYTHING!

For the love of god!

Question EVERYTHING!

A few conversations have popped up at work recently where I hear people answer;

“they said we can’t”
“we’re not allowed too”, or variations of these sentences.

I always like to reply back to this statement with;

“why?”
“who is ‘they’?”
“what is the reason?”

Working within a company who values Entrepreneurship – I don’t hear entrepreneurship within these words.

I very rarely use this word to describe someone, unless they are a truly awakened individual, inspiring change and walking their talk – leading by example.

I believe one who is, to be a free thinker, one who lives outside the box, one who doesn’t conform to the norm, who makes their own rules as they go and is not afraid of what anybody else thinks about what they do.  They stand out from the crowd, they will be the leader out in front – making the noise – pissing others off – or raising the crowd to cheers!

I guess why I’m bring this topic up, is I am finding myself beginning to think like this now.  I question everything, and agree with very little these days.  I am not so quick to agree for the sake of being pleasant and keeping the boat afloat, I am becoming more and more comfortable with disagreeing and expressing my view on why I don’t agree.

I have been finding it interesting, observing myself standing out more & more, shining my sense of freedom for being able to chose.  I still feel I have some final shackles to shake, but the light is at the end of the tunnel of this awakening journey – I can see it.  It is in the form of Bali – in one months time.

This is THE awakening process – awakening to our freedom and free thought.  There are conspiracy theories of mind control through the media, food & every other means.  Our senses have been dormant for centuries and now with the awakening of souls across the globe, there is a grand shift concurring.  There is no denying it.  It is seen in Wayne Dyers’ Movie – The Shift, Blogs & You Tube videos across the internet, social media feeds – books, banners, posters, serendipitous moments.

The information is available to all who are ready.  It only takes a simple question, to align your intention to attract in the very tools that you need.

To question anything in life, paves way for a fork in our road.  Keep taking the path you’ve always taken, and remain safe, comfortably uncomfortable.  Or take the new path, that is unwritten, unexplored, diving deep into the depths of your soul & purpose.  Come head to head with your fears that mask your greatest gifts and deepest desires.  Live a life so fulfilling you cannot even begin to imagine it!

I took that turn, down the unknown path.  It has been dark, uncomfortable and confronting.  Though there is a knowing in my heart & soul that it is RIGHT.  Nothing can shake this.  I know that I am ploughing my way through the debris that has kept this path hidden, but in time, the light will shine through, brighter than it has every shone before.

I might call this Bali, as my trip is booked & I am off to be embraced by her again, but this is merely just the beginning!

I will be stepping forth into the unknown, jumping with both feet and arms into the air, calling upon the whole universe to catch me and carry me forward.  I co-create this life with its magic, and know that I have been creativity orchestrated to shine my light, inspiring others to follow.  My life & its design is unique and like no other.  I have a perfect set of circumstances that will support others to open to the gifts within theirs.

As I have written before;

“The journey inward may not be a comfortable one, but it sure beats being unhappy, and is a heck of a lot more soul satisfying.”

 

A story for you my sister…

A reoccurring theme has been emerging in my dreams for some years now.

I had another last night, and when I awoke, spent some time reflecting on it.

It connects to an experience I had during my teenage years.

In these years, it involves my friends not inviting me to join them for a spa at one of our guy friends houses’.  We were staying/living together at the time, and after dinner, everyone quietly packed up & left without so much as a see you later.

I found myself alone within the house wondering – what had I done?  Why had I not been invited?  I was devastated!

Mum was out of town at the time, hence the three of us living together during this time.  Mum had ‘conveniently’ changed the locks on our family home, so I couldn’t access it while they were gone.  I still called her & told her what had happened, and she organised for me to move into her friends’ home until she returned.

So I packed up my things and moved in with Diane.  I didn’t speak to my ‘friends’ for the next couple of years.
Bam. Done.  What had I done?  Till this day I still don’t know what happened?

The theme of this experience, repeats itself in my dreams, and has done for years.  The devastation of not being invited to hang with my so called friends.  Rejection, Devastation & Hurt.  So when the dream arose again this morning I begun to question it some more.

How do I really feel about what happened back then?
– Upset

Where do I feel ‘upset’ in my body?
– My heart

Am I ready to let this pain go?
– Yes

What do I need in order to do that?
– Let go

At the moment, when thinking about how I felt during this, it feels almost as real as the day it happened.  It’s like I could pick up the phone & call these girls and ask them why?  If it wasn’t nearly 20 years later!

It got me thinking.  What is their experience of this memory?  What was going on for them to practice such cruel behavior?  Did they even consider their behavior?  There are different sides to every story.  If this is mine, what was/is theirs’?  Curious.

It is only now with my open perspective that I can see the full glass, as opposed to the narrow view I saw back then.  I still hold/held (moving into past tense) pain for the incident, I’m human, and this is my healing.  However there is always a greater perspective at play.  I may, or may not ever get to know it, but life can be funny that way.  Like puzzle pieces fitting together, sometime it might not fit together until a riper age of grace.

I see this puzzle piece as being a small part of the whole, in regards to my healing as a female.  I still get menstrual cramps, and have as long as I can remember.  I know that it is NOT NORMAL, yet society dictates that it is very normal for woman to get cramps.  I’m sorry – but I call Bull Shit!

Bull Shit to it being normal, that woman accept something as natural as the ebb and flow of nature, is painful!

Bull Shit to aches that land some woman bed ridden for days!

I call BULL SHIT!

I believe as women, we have lost of primal ways.  We have suppressed them SO deep within us, that we actually have no memory or connection to what they are anymore.

I believe that we suffer in aloneness, so fearful to show our vulnerability to other woman, for fear of judgement & rejection.

Yet I believe that each and everyone of us, feels a deep pain within us, that is yearning for expression, that is yearning to be heard & received by other woman.

I know I feel alone in mine.  There have been times that I have wailed into my pillow for humanity – the pain of it all. The pain of being a woman, the pain of feeling such emotions that cannot be explained.  The pain of not being understood by your mate – who looks at you baffled.

Why are we not tearing down these walls that separate us?  We sincerely have work to do.  To not only heal ourselves, but our generational lineage AND the planet – MOTHER EARTH herself!

WE have WORK WILD WOMAN!

And so we must address our deepest yearnings, our deepest emotions and raw selves.

WE must address our dreams, our memories, our aches and our pains.

We must hold our sisters as they divulge their truth, setting them & ourselves free from our shackles.

Many a goddess circle is arriving even online during these times.  There are so many opportunities for support if we are open, courageous & vulnerable to seek it.

I know that it is scary, god knows that I know.  But I’m tired of doing this on my own.  I’m ready for something new. I’m ready to love & to receive that same love.

I’m ready to let my guard down – so that you dear sister can see me, and I can see you.

 

 

Not having a Dad has become my greatest gift

Neils’ Dad has been here visiting for the weekend.  He lives in Campellville, Ontario.

I’ve met him twice before when Neil & I visited for Christmas & the packing down of his Mothers’ Condo in Milton.

He’s a lovely man, a real Dad type.  I guess what other type is there really?  I think I mean that he’s what I imagined a Dad to be like?

I never met my Dad, or ever had a Dad figure in my life.

I’ve learnt that it’s no small thing to have never met your Father, whether you’re a Male or a Female.  Both positions can leave a firm imprint on any Adult during their childhood.  For me, I didn’t know that not having a Father was a different way to grow up, until I got to school.  I succinctly remember being in the playground at 5 years of age, and all the other kids were talking about their Dads.  One of them asked me about mine, I replied “I don’t have one.”  In that moment, at my tender age of 5, I felt a distinct separation from me and them, the other kids.  I took on that there must been something wrong with me, for me to not have a Dad.  Huge Moment.  Huge belief set in place.

That untrue belief, from my innocent mind, set the scene for my life.  “There must be something wrong with me.”

I went on to create a life that set me apart from the rest.  Thinking that I was different from others.

I believe that this incident + running from the pain of Sexual Abuse, has seen me roam the world in search of myself. I wouldn’t have said it at the time, but I guess I was seeking something outside of myself, only to be brought back to myself.  Much like The Alchemist story.  At 20 years old, I sure as hell wasn’t ready to look within.  Years of establishing this belief had become my truth.
I had inner dialogues running of; I’m not worthy, there’s something wrong with me, and nobody loves me.

I ran to binge drinking, crazy partying, pill popping… this eventually turned into obsessive exercise/gym habits, a body building competition, & elimination diets & restrictive eating.  I eventually crashed.  This coincided with delving into myself during a Vision Quest that was a part of my Life Coaching Diploma.  I landed depressed for 2.5 years and had no where to turn, but to myself.  Those days were extremely dark & tough going – I didn’t know if I was going to make it through.  I would dream of not being here, not being a burden to anyone. Though they were shit, I wouldn’t take them back.  I’m a richer, loving, more compassionate person because of coming back to myself.

Not all absent Dad stories are the same.  This one is mine.  It has seen me on a journey of transformation.  Of coming back to who I innately am.  This is all there is.  To know who you are at your core is priceless.  I feel like I have finally arrived at a place where I am me.  Who I was born to be in this world.  I am connected to Source daily & am guided, step by step to take my path of purpose.  I need nothing else.

I now do not feel sad for the Father I never knew, I don’t feel angry towards Steve for what he did.  I look at the upbringing I had with deep gratitude.  I remember my Life Coach said that one day I would be grateful for my pain, and see it as a gift.  I understood it intellectually then, but now feel it as truth.

The anger & pain that I held onto, unconsciously, for years has been greatly released.  I am free from digestive issues, I am free from anxiety & fear based ways of being.  I am free to make decisions lead by my heart and choose a life of freedom.

There is no greater gift than FREEDOM!!  Freedom has been my life mantra, now I feel I embody it, rather than chase it.  Ah ho!

Should I meet my Father
Neil & his Dad

How to Drive Your Human Vehicle…

What does my soul wish to share today?

On matters of the heart & love.

Love & Expansion are all that exist in the realm of the soul, there is not much more.  So as humans to be connected too & aware of these, is the gateway for greater joy in ones life!

As humans we spend to much time worrying about matters of the head, and wondering where are we going, what are we doing, how are we going to do this, that or the other, but the heart knows everything that he needs to know to take us to all these life experiences and questions that our head asks.

The head & the heart might seem separate, but they share their own unique partnership.  One could not operate without the other, without each other, neither would have the experiences that they wish for.  And so, they need to communicate with each other to create.

Your life is a creation of your soul.  Born through your head & your heart.  It is imprinted onto your soul for this lifetime.  You could say that the blueprint is within your soul.  So if we know this, then surrender to our hearts leading us, knowing that they guide us constantly, there really can be nothing, NO-THING to fear.

It is when we allow our conditioned Ego, its wayward adventures of untruth, that we loose the key to drive our human vessel.  The human mind is key, much like the key to your car.  It starts the ignition & gets the engine running.  Our minds are the key to get our hearts running, our body is the vehicle, like the body of your cars vehicle.

So if a healthy mind is where it all begins, how do we surrender to this, to be driven through this wondrous life?

Meditation.

Your mind is like a computer hard drive that you have had since birth.  Storing all thoughts, ideas, beliefs, memories, concepts, anything that you’ve seen, heard and thought of.  You have complete access to everything within it! However your mind will continue to use this past information for the present and your future life, attempting to paint your reality, your life, with what it already knows.

But how could it already know what is to come?  It cannot possibly know what the soul has written.

And so, meditation is the way to clear these previously ingrained ideas, concepts, beliefs and thoughts.  Think of it as your daily garbage collection.  Taking out what is not needed each day.  Creating space in your coconut for new ideas to flow forth from the great old Universe!  You are in co-creation with your heart and the Universe in each and every moment.  You mind just needs to be receptive to receive these ideas.

So when we are ready to be open to receive, we will be ready to move forth in divine flow with the creator and all there is, to create a life far beyond what our minds can conceive.  We each have our own paths to curve and create through this tapestry of life.  They are joyous & fulfilling, beyond our wildest dreams and available to us right now, In this moment, the next moment, and each and every moment for the rest of our days.

It is the dance of being human, a human experience unlike any other.  This is why you choose to come here, to experience aspects of yourself that you couldn’t in your light form.

To weave the web of life and play in the mystery of creation.

Mediocre to Great – Great to Amazing, Amazing to Unbelievable, Unbelievable to ….

I wrote this blog this morning on my work ‘intranet’ blog, but felt it pertinent for anyone who runs their own business, or in a Customer Service type role…

 

I started writing out my Vision yet again, and I always love how it is a ever evolving thing, never still or stationary – much like ourselves.

This time, I thought about what I wanted, but I found myself asking – why?

Why do I wish for these things for myself?  What is the purpose of an individual goal/vision.  Yes, it is relevant absolutely, as it is my life, a life, one life I am driving.  Although it is definitely not separate to anything else in this world.  So what is the purpose of fulfilling my goal or vision if nothing else surrounding me advances in its process?

There is a greater purpose at play, not just my speck of dust purpose in the pool of this varst ocean of people.

When I ‘achieve’ my vision so to speak, what does that mean for the rest of the world?

Are they still sitting on their butts thinking about the goals they wished they had of achieved?  I hope not.

I wish for more go-getters in this life, imagine if the people that surrounded you and further, were as much of a go-getter as you are?  What if the people around you cared equally, if not more for the planet that we live on?  What would that mean to your life and the life of others?  Something even more beautiful beyond comprehension right?

So what if our goals were about others?  Not to cancel out our own, as I’m sure if you’re reading this, you are a progressed enough soul to acknowledge how many years you have been plugging away at your purpose and goals, no you are well aware of your wants, desires, challenges etc… and you’ve got them down.

This extends beyond that, this goes beyond personal responsibility.  This moves into the next step, of responsibility for others.  Not to take on theirs, but to teach them responsibility for self.

Much like the journey of Educator to Key Leader, from Key Leader to ASM and so on…

How we do one thing in life, we do everything. 

Because you are an employee of xyz or self employed business owner, what does that mean in your life, your personal world?  Who are you being outside of this role?  Do you treat strangers the same way you would treat your work customers?  Do you aim to inspire Greatness to the person serving your daily coffee or breakfast?

How do you inspire those around you, beyond the store, into being someone greater than they know themselves to be?

What kind of world do you want to live in?  What will it look like around you when you’re reached your 10 year Vision?

BSchool #FOMO

Yesterday arvo I fell into a bit of a blah hole.

I’ve started doing the whole comparing myself against others, and what gifts they’re bringing to the world.

I am watching so many successful women who are running their online businesses, who are brimming with success and positive stories of earning 6 figures per month, doing what they love, supporting their partner to create their dream life and so on, and so on.

It’s silly, because I absolutely know, that I am on the right track and that I’m perfectly where I need to be, with the perfect amount of resources at my finger tips right now.

I’m even SO fortunate to have a wonderful, beautiful, loving, supportive partner who believes in me.

So much so, he gives me the space I need to write, to have time to myself.  He even invested the money towards my Leonie Dawson Life + Biz Academy membership for my birthday.

But still, I follow these inspiring Goddesses, and yesterday fell in a hole of self depreciating, unhelpful thoughts.

The latest ‘trend’ offering, happening in the wonderful world of entrepreneurs is BSchool.  I must have heard about this 2-3 times before I got the message, and clicked the link to visit Marie Forleo and find out what all the hype was about..

BSchool is a online 8 week business course, guiding business entrepreneurs to create the lives they were meant to live and a business that whole heartedly supports this.

The testimonial stories are phenomenal, the affiliate bonuses are amazing, the reaping of benefits for your hard work are as outlined earlier; 6-7 figure incomes each month, doing what you love, travelling the world, supporting your partner + stacks of others.  It’s easy to be sweapt up in this online movement, and I for one am hooked, line & sinker!

The catch to this amazing course is, that it is a mere $2k, which in the sceam of earning 6-7 figures a month is spare change, but to the budding beginner starting their business journey, $2k is everything.

So, here’s me.  Sitting in this category nicely.  Newbie business owner, the world at my finger tips.  Grand aspirations for changing the world.  Passion to boot.  A message larger than life, with vehicle (my website) that is currently in upgrade.

My heart (chakra) is literally aching, and has been for the last week or two.  I am ready!  I am more than ready!

I want so badly want to heal the world and guide woman back to the joy of life, who they innately are.

But again, in this, I am perfectly where I need to be.

I said to Neil last night.  I have everything I need.  I show up for myself daily.  I do what is required, and at the end of the day, I feel good about the tasks that I have completed.  But because my efforts are not yet being heard by an audience, it does punch the ego.  My ego.  It really asks one to continue to show up each and every day.

What more can I be doing?  How do I get my message clearer.  Who is my muse?  How do I reach them?

All valid questions.

Still, soul says, its all G H.

So after watching beautiful Sarah of the Fifth Element share her honesty and experience of BSchool, I will take my ego and heart, and have a rest.

I am sitting in my PJs on the couch and taking time out for me today.

I am enough.  I am doing enough.  All is perfect.  If BSchool was where I am at, it would show up, I would show up.  I get the message ego… I have enough.  I have everything I could need.