Grief Friend you are Welcome

Have you noticed how grief can be a trickster at times?

Disguised in one form, dressed as another.

Like an unannounced house¬†guest, he knocks at the door, packed bags in hand, you answer in your underwear, the house a mess, you’re unprepared. ¬†“Hello friend, I am Grief.”

He has come to visit. ¬†To turn him¬†away would be unheard of, perhaps a crime.¬† He never quite says what he needs, why he’s here, or how long he’ll stay for. ¬†But you welcome him in, albeit reluctantly.¬† You both take a seat on the couch and he starts the conversation.

‚ÄúHow are you friend?‚ÄĚ

You give your surface level reply. ¬†“I’m good, I’m busy with work, friends, social situations, family. ¬†I’m grateful for everything & everything is fine.”

He responds, ‚ÄúIs that right?¬† Tell me about how you‚Äôve been feeling during your evenings alone?‚ÄĚ

Something clicks inside.¬† You know exactly the feeling he is referring to.¬† You’ve been binging on chocolate & Netflix each night, in an avoidance of feeling this now named feeling.

‚ÄúTell me about THAT feeling he says, compassionately, lovingly.‚ÄĚ

You sit for a moment.¬† For maybe the first time, tuning into that discomfort that resides in your body.¬† Uggghhh ‚Äď there it is.¬† That heavy weight sitting, waiting…¬† Your breathing drops…¬† Your heart rate present ‚Äď now seemingly louder…¬† You feel the energy expand outwards from this rock like weight.¬† Tears are forming behind your eyes, it’s coming…

You can‚Äôt hold back, nor would you want to.¬† You‚Äôve wanted to acknowledge this, to feel this pain, you‚Äôve just secretly been afraid.¬† The heavens pour down and you‚Äôre running with it. ¬†Tears are¬†falling down¬†your face just like melting ice in your hot hand on a Summers day… your stomach contracts & heaves, as does your whole body in unison.¬† Your mind is blank in this moment, you have found relief.¬† In complete surrender to your bodies natural seasonal change – this emotional state.

Grief sits there quietly, very still.  Just looking upon you gently, lovingly.  A companion who has your back.  You continue to cry, beginning to wonder if there will be an end to this heaviness?

 

Time has passed some.  You’ve witnessed new insights drop into your mind, ah ha’s of what has been held so contained.

Memories from your past floating up from your subconscious.  Making their transition from one realm, to the next.  You can see more clearly, what was hiding.

What you were so frightened of.  It is not so frightening anymore.  Only here.  Present.  Accepted.  Free.  No stories. It is free.  You are free.  You are releasing the old.  The old that has driven you to hide from yourself.  Your truth.

Grief sits.

Placing his hands on your heavy heart.  You feel the ache.  The physical ache that now resides where before, pain sat.

You feel different.  Tired.  Numb.  Sad.  Heavy.

The couch feels good.  Comfortable.

The convulsions have subsided, the tears are now dry.

Your head feels expanded, kinda headachy, like it has just been squashed, but blast open.

Your mind blank.

Sitting… ¬†Starring… ¬†Quiet… ¬†Peace…

Breathing now slow & consistent.  You look at grief, he holds your gaze in return.

‚ÄúHow are you friend?‚Ä̬† he asks.

You return his gaze and answer, ‚ÄúHow are YOU friend?‚ÄĚ

Grief has been heard.  He has been seen.  He sighs in his recognition.

Together you become one.

grief

Create Change in the World

To create change in the world, I write for me.  To connect with a story from my soul.
To give my soul a purpose.  I like the idea of having no agenda.

There is so much freedom in no agenda.
The same goes for other areas in life.

When we have no agenda in everything we are free.
Free to be, do, say anything because its affect doesn’t matter.

All that matters is the moment and how we are in the moment.
Because the next doesn’t exist.

Not yet.
Not ever.

There is just this moment now.

An expression of who we are in this moment can only be who we are.  Peace within is the very space we crave.
There is no peace without ourselves first and foremost.

We all long for quiet sanctuary.
Free from mind confines, and tasks, and to do’s.

A moments rest if only for a moment can be peace enough to fulfill desires.

But, what if desires are not fulfilled?
What if longing and a pull forward is where our minds are focused?
What if we are not living a now based life style?
Where are we then?
Where are we existing?

Life is full of experience.
PAST.  PRESENT.  FUTURE.
All are experiences of our humanness.

Learning where and how to work within these can be a key tool to navigate our minds.

Such power tools of destruction they can be if not used respectfully.  Give space to unknowns and dissolve the illusion of control with our mind-work.
When ‚Äėout of control‚Äô is present we need presence.
The dance of polarities.

Such is life.

If there was one without the other, there would be collapse.
If suddenly opposite ends merges ‚Äď then what?

An introspective BOOM!

Who knows?

The world will change as we on an individual level accept our personal change.

I wish for others to align to their path as and when they are meant to, this, is what I am in a hurry for!
But, this is agenda?

Let us really connect to our inner primate.
Let us truly align to that which brought us here, here to this incredible planet.

Go can go Paleo & eat your grass feed cow, sure.
Please do.

But tell me, would you messy your hands with the blood shed to do so?
This is your primal-ness.

Connect in with that before you preach to the masses about how & where to eat.

Talk to your farmer.
What is their names?
How were they raised?
What is their connection to the land?
Their tribe?
The spirits?
All land has depth.
A Story.
The spirits know this.

Look between the cracks.
The stories we have created about what is right & wrong.

We need to ask deeper, real questions, about what is right for us.
The land.
The planet and great well-being.

It is no longer ok, to accept what we are taught.
For what we are taught does not come from our own guidance.

Our inner guidance knows.
It couldn’t not.

You arrived here knowing this, but somehow forgetting.
Align.  Connect.  Breathe, and give space and the truth will shine through.

It will fill the space and shift the darkness and anything that no longer serves.  create change in the world

Being your own guru – within your family unit…

Well let me tell you, I’m sure this topic has been years in the making!

I left New Zealand when I was a mere 20 years old.  Bright eyed and bushy tailed Рready to take on the world.

I had a one way ticket to London, England and all I knew was that I had a 2 year working Visa and was booked on a 14 day Contiki tour.

Today, some 16 years later, I sit here, back home in Te Awamutu, New Zealand, and reflect on this journey that has proceeded me.

I do know that on some level I left NZ in search of something, and through my travels, I discovered that that something was myself.  I have found myself, and so perhaps this is why I now find myself home.

My story reminds me of the book –¬†Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist.
If you haven’t heard of it, click the link above, or read the copied text below from Amazon.com;

“Brazilian storyteller Paulo Coehlo introduces Santiago, an Andalusian shepherd boy who one night dreams of a distant treasure in the Egyptian pyramids. And so he’s off: leaving Spain to literally follow his dream.

Along the way he meets many spiritual messengers, who come in unassuming forms such as a camel driver and a well-read Englishman. In one of the Englishman’s books, Santiago first learns about the alchemists–men who believed that if a metal were heated for many years, it would free itself of all its individual properties, and what was left would be the “Soul of the World.” Of course he does eventually meet an alchemist, and the ensuing student-teacher relationship clarifies much of the boy’s misguided agenda, while also emboldening him to stay true to his dreams. “My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer,” the boy confides to the alchemist one night as they look up at a moonless night.

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself,” the alchemist replies. “And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.” –Gail Hudson –“

So here I am in my Mum & her husbands home.  Feeling like the 20 something year old I was when I left, likely less an ego than then.  Perhaps I have reached a crux in my quest, where I can no longer continue the way that I was. Very much an independent traveler, determined to change the world all on my own.  Though I have learnt that this is not possible.  One person changing the world is no small feat, nor is it likely possible.

Being home in a family unit brings a new set of challenges I have avoided most of my adult life.  Feeling and acknowledging the family wounds.  It has been easy (in a sense), to travel the world alone and acknowledge my own self and the experiences that have come to make me unique.  Everything that I have written in my blog to date has likely been a glimpse into my inner workings and what has supported me to unlock who I am and my gifts to the world.

What are these gifts worth when they are hidden behind a computer screen, behind words, behind a fancy website (not that mine is), behind branding and a perception one wishes to be viewed by the world? ¬†I don’t know? ¬†Perhaps a lot, perhaps nothing, perhaps something?

These are my thoughts as I sit here. ¬†Perhaps healing the world isn’t necessarily about what I project out into my Social Media. ¬†Perhaps is lays in the challenge & familiar/unfamiliar ground of being me where it all began? ¬†What a concept that is! ¬†Slotting back into my family unit. ¬†Mum, Sister, Nieces + Nephew – to teach what I have learnt. ¬†To create a new paradigm for family relationships and interactions. ¬†When friends and family are the most important cards on our tables, do we really give them the value that we so think they hold?

Spending hours at a job we may not really enjoy, simply to get the pay cheque at weeks end.  What fulfillment is there when this is what we align too?  How many hours of the week are lost to something that is passionless, or a mere gateway?

I’m not suggesting throwing it all in on reading of my words, but simply invite enquiry of what is it that invokes passion and life! ¬†I sit here reflecting on this very question today. ¬†So I’m not saying I have the answers. ¬†I definately have the questions and am open to the answers – as I KNOW there is another way. ¬†I just know it in my soul. ¬†I didn’t come here to work in a job being unfulfilled. ¬†I came here for a reason, for a purpose. ¬†I want to LOVE my life, and love every moment of it. ¬†Even the tough stuff. ¬†And right now, I will admit, I am in a seemingly interesting situation;

36 years old and living at home with my Mum, unemployed.
But you know what?  That is one way to look at it.
Another way; I have spent 16 years living away from my family – I am now living with & spending quality time with my Mother & family – who I love & adore – I have the opportunity to help her with tasks & such, and in between, I get to write and reflect – plant seeds + create – which I LOVE!

Pretty sweet huh?!

I think so.

Here’s to unfolding new ways of living & being in this world. <3

being your own guru within your family unit

My experience with Landmark & why I’ve come home to NZ

So I’m in New Zealand after a whirlwind of events sees me here.

About a week ago, I returned home to Victoria BC, after spending a weekend in Vancouver attending a 5 day course in the name in The Landmark Forum.

To my knowledge, millions of people around the world have participated in this course, so you may have even heard of it?

Working for lululemon athletica, it is something that every employee gains the opportunity to attend as it is seen as something of value for one’s personal development. Chip Wilson, founder of lululemon took away grand insights into the way he was as a person, which then affected how he ran his company. Since then, lululemon employees across the globe get to experience this course after having worked for the company for 8 months.

Lets cut to the chase. I was pretty curious about what this was going to offer me. After having completed 2 intensive diplomas ‚Äď each 2-4 years in duration to complete, one in Transformational Life Coaching & the other in Energy Healing ‚Äď I knew I couldn’t and didn’t know it all, but was naturally curious – what would this course offer me?

Landmark breaks life down into a really simple structure, which make you reflect on yourself. It invites you to look at all the stories you’ve created, which have made up your life, and ask yourself ‚Äúwhat is really real here‚ÄĚ?

I got this part. I’ve been self reflecting for a good 10 years now, and know myself pretty thoroughly. But this method that they were teaching, was just so bang on, that one had to ask, well, what really IS real?

I have come to know that I am Heidi. Maybe not from this planet, maybe from some other light galaxy, incarnated into a human form in this lifetime to support people waking up to who they are. I appear light, bright, happy & personable. My purpose in life is to show others that they are their own gurus, their own healers so to speak. I knew that heading into this course.

Coming out of it on Tuesday night. I was absolutely that light being. Feeling like I could inspire change with a single conversation. Feeling like I was a world changer. Which isn’t a terrible thing, however that power can contain ego if one is not to careful. Posting on social media¬†like a show off, running around your day like a mad fool, touching and inspiring all who subconsciously call for your help.

I returned to work on Wednesday, and was floating like a newly awakened being. ¬†I initiated very real conversations everywhere I stepped. A guest would comment on her weight, and I wouldn’t hesitate to get into the nitty gritty of what was happening and have her share what was in her way. You begin to notice how random strangers will drop the tinniest of hints which are a cry for help. They may not be aware of it, but to the listening ears, you hear every word & tone.

I had a short shift that day where I felt like I was on fire. ¬†Chatting to colleagues and guests, left right and centre. Stirring up change everywhere I went & with every conversation. I respected those who didn’t engage in conversation, and those that did – held the conversation as long as invited by them. ¬†It all felt very free flowing and intuitive. ¬†My lunch break rolled around and I suddenly wasn’t feeling well. I actually felt like I was going to die. Intense I know! So I called Neil and asked him to pick me up as this was how I was feeling.
> I won’t elaborate on this story & feeling of dying just yet. It leads into another existential story, ‚Äď I’ll share it another time, or save this for myself.

Fast forward to the next few days. What goes up, must come down. There is a balance to life, a polarity to everything. Hot/Cold, Light/Dark, Happy/Sad ‚Äď you get it…

With such an inspired high, there had to be the equivalent low. What I unknowingly had tapped into were memories from my past. My early childhood past. Now these are not horrible by any means. But lets just remind ourselves here, how does a child react when they are upset? What if he/she doesn’t get their own way? They throw a tantrum right? They express their anguish fully without hesitation! Lets just leave that example a seed of what was to come.

About 2-3 days of exploding like a child. Anger, Fear, Frustration, Sadness, Grief… No ego restrictions on releasing the ‘pain’ of my childhood. I didn’t know what was happening, and neither did my dear partner Neil.

He had come to his wits end with my behavior, and didn’t know what to do with me. He was scared & frightened – and understandingly so. ¬†He’d spoken to his friends and they advised him to simply take me to the nearest hospital ‚Äď get me dosed up on medication.

Neil knew I wouldn’t want that, so swallowed his pride (I imagine?) and called my Mum at home in NZ. Fast forward this part of the story, and here I am, with Neil & Mum, in Te Awamutu, New Zealand.

They have both been super worried about me, and want to know tangible results about why I acted out of character, so yesterday took me to a local Dr who listened to this story. He sent me for blood tests, in which the results should come through tomorrow some time.

There are so many other parts to this story which I will share in time, if the time is right.

Parts where I could hear various people, living & passed over, speaking through Neil to me. Lucid dream states where I saw various Spirit Animals show up to support the release of our pain. Even in awake states, various animals showed up to help us move through stuff. Animals such as Squirrels, Raccoons, Ravens, Dogs, a marvelous spider who weaved his magical web to protect our home, and even a Cougar making itself seen throughout Victoria that weekend.

I thought I was a shaman, moving various rocks and such around my home, orchestrating a change in the world, and a healing of the planet. I chanted, sang, drummed and played my Spirit Flute as needed, and heard the neighbors drum & tap in support of something they’d long wished for. I dreamt that I was one of 4 shamans overseen by one head shaman who would eventually invite us to his home in California to discuss these dreams & experiences, and go through an initiation process.

It has been a wild ride, and that description doesn’t even cut it.

The human brain is wild and mysterious, and after this experience, I really don’t think it should be pushed the way that it was at Landmark. I am speaking for myself exclusively. I cannot speak for others.

My takeaway from this, is DO NOT hurry your personal development! Be gentle, be compassionate, be nurturing, be LOVING. LOVE yourself as you would love another, how you would want to be loved in the world. Be that & that is all that you need to be. LOVE.

As a side note here; if you are experiencing any challenges based on dealing with your past, please reach out to me for support.  I understand how confusing it can be & how those around you may not understand.  I am available via Skype & Email at this stage.  heidi.firth | heidi.firth11@gmail.com

My experience at The Landmark Forum

A story for you my sister…

A reoccurring theme has been emerging in my dreams for some years now.

I had another last night, and when I awoke, spent some time reflecting on it.

It connects to an experience I had during my teenage years.

In these years, it involves my friends not inviting me to join them for a spa at one of our guy friends houses’. ¬†We were staying/living together at the time, and after dinner, everyone quietly packed up & left without so much as a see you later.

I found myself alone within the house wondering Рwhat had I done?  Why had I not been invited?  I was devastated!

Mum was out of town at the time, hence the three of us living together during this time. ¬†Mum had ‘conveniently’ changed the locks on our family home, so I couldn’t access it while they were gone. ¬†I still called her & told her what had happened, and she organised for me to move into her friends’ home until she returned.

So I packed up my things and moved in with Diane. ¬†I didn’t speak to my ‘friends’ for the next couple of years.
Bam. Done. ¬†What had I done? ¬†Till this day I still don’t know what happened?

The theme of this experience, repeats itself in my dreams, and has done for years.  The devastation of not being invited to hang with my so called friends.  Rejection, Devastation & Hurt.  So when the dream arose again this morning I begun to question it some more.

How do I really feel about what happened back then?
– Upset

Where do I feel ‘upset’ in my body?
– My heart

Am I ready to let this pain go?
– Yes

What do I need in order to do that?
– Let go

At the moment, when thinking about how I felt during this, it feels almost as real as the day it happened. ¬†It’s like I could pick up the phone & call these girls and ask them why? ¬†If it wasn’t nearly 20 years later!

It got me thinking. ¬†What is their experience of this memory? ¬†What was going on for them to practice such cruel behavior? ¬†Did they even consider their behavior? ¬†There are different sides to every story. ¬†If this is mine, what was/is theirs’? ¬†Curious.

It is only now with my open perspective that I can see the full glass, as opposed to the narrow view I saw back then. ¬†I still hold/held (moving into past tense) pain for the incident, I’m human, and this is my healing. ¬†However there is always a greater perspective at play. ¬†I may, or may not ever get to know it, but life can be funny that way. ¬†Like puzzle pieces fitting together, sometime it might not fit together until a riper age of grace.

I see this puzzle piece as being a small part of the whole, in regards to my healing as a female. ¬†I still get menstrual cramps, and have as long as I can remember. ¬†I know that it is NOT NORMAL, yet society dictates that it is very normal for woman to get cramps. ¬†I’m sorry – but I call Bull Shit!

Bull Shit to it being normal, that woman accept something as natural as the ebb and flow of nature, is painful!

Bull Shit to aches that land some woman bed ridden for days!

I call BULL SHIT!

I believe as women, we have lost of primal ways.  We have suppressed them SO deep within us, that we actually have no memory or connection to what they are anymore.

I believe that we suffer in aloneness, so fearful to show our vulnerability to other woman, for fear of judgement & rejection.

Yet I believe that each and everyone of us, feels a deep pain within us, that is yearning for expression, that is yearning to be heard & received by other woman.

I know I feel alone in mine.  There have been times that I have wailed into my pillow for humanity Рthe pain of it all. The pain of being a woman, the pain of feeling such emotions that cannot be explained.  The pain of not being understood by your mate Рwho looks at you baffled.

Why are we not tearing down these walls that separate us?  We sincerely have work to do.  To not only heal ourselves, but our generational lineage AND the planet РMOTHER EARTH herself!

WE have WORK WILD WOMAN!

And so we must address our deepest yearnings, our deepest emotions and raw selves.

WE must address our dreams, our memories, our aches and our pains.

We must hold our sisters as they divulge their truth, setting them & ourselves free from our shackles.

Many a goddess circle is arriving even online during these times.  There are so many opportunities for support if we are open, courageous & vulnerable to seek it.

I know that it is scary, god knows that I know. ¬†But I’m tired of doing this on my own. ¬†I’m ready for something new. I’m ready to love & to receive that same love.

I’m ready to let my guard down – so that you dear sister can see me, and I can see you.

 

 

Not having a Dad has become my greatest gift

Neils’ Dad has been here visiting for the weekend. ¬†He lives in Campellville, Ontario.

I’ve met him twice before when Neil & I visited for Christmas & the packing down of his Mothers’ Condo in Milton.

He’s a lovely man, a real Dad type. ¬†I guess what other type is there really? ¬†I think I mean that he’s what I imagined a Dad to be like?

I never met my Dad, or ever had a Dad figure in my life.

I’ve learnt that it’s no small thing to have never met your Father, whether you’re a Male or a Female. ¬†Both positions can leave a firm imprint on any Adult during their childhood. ¬†For me, I didn’t know that not having a Father was a different way to grow up, until I got to school. ¬†I succinctly remember being in the playground at 5 years of age, and all the other kids were talking about their Dads. ¬†One of them asked me about mine, I replied “I don’t have one.” ¬†In that moment, at my tender age of 5, I felt a distinct separation from me and them, the other kids. ¬†I took on that there must been something wrong with me, for me to not have a Dad. ¬†Huge Moment. ¬†Huge belief set in place.

That untrue belief, from my innocent mind, set the scene for my life. ¬†“There must be something wrong with me.”

I went on to create a life that set me apart from the rest.  Thinking that I was different from others.

I believe that this incident + running from the pain of Sexual Abuse, has seen me roam the world in search of myself. I wouldn’t have said it at the time, but I guess I was seeking something outside of myself, only to be brought back to myself. ¬†Much like The Alchemist story. ¬†At 20 years old,¬†I sure as hell wasn’t ready to look within. ¬†Years of establishing this belief had become my truth.
I had inner dialogues running of; I’m not worthy, there’s something wrong with me, and nobody loves me.

I ran to binge drinking, crazy partying, pill popping… this eventually turned into obsessive exercise/gym habits, a body building competition, & elimination diets & restrictive eating. ¬†I eventually crashed. ¬†This coincided with delving into myself during a Vision Quest that was a part of my Life Coaching Diploma. ¬†I landed depressed for 2.5 years and had no where to turn, but to myself. ¬†Those days were extremely dark & tough going – I didn’t know if I was going to make it through. ¬†I would dream of not being here, not being a burden to anyone. Though they were shit, I wouldn’t take them back. ¬†I’m a richer, loving, more compassionate person because of coming back to myself.

Not all absent Dad stories are the same.  This one is mine.  It has seen me on a journey of transformation.  Of coming back to who I innately am.  This is all there is.  To know who you are at your core is priceless.  I feel like I have finally arrived at a place where I am me.  Who I was born to be in this world.  I am connected to Source daily & am guided, step by step to take my path of purpose.  I need nothing else.

I now do not feel sad for the Father I never knew, I don’t feel angry towards Steve for what he did. ¬†I look at the upbringing I had with deep gratitude. ¬†I remember my Life Coach said that one day I would be grateful for¬†my pain, and see it as a gift. ¬†I understood it intellectually then, but now feel it as truth.

The anger & pain that I held onto, unconsciously, for years has been greatly released.  I am free from digestive issues, I am free from anxiety & fear based ways of being.  I am free to make decisions lead by my heart and choose a life of freedom.

There is no greater gift than FREEDOM!!  Freedom has been my life mantra, now I feel I embody it, rather than chase it.  Ah ho!

Should I meet my Father
Neil & his Dad

Canada vs Australia vs Bali and The Universal Plan

Summer is slowly on her way out, and Fall is beginning to make his way onto the scene.

It is almost without warning that the long hot days have disappeared, being replaced with continual rain & drizzle.

I feel ripped off!

All the Victorian Canadians are talking about what an awesome Summer it has been, and that we’ve been really lucky.

I don’t share their perspective.

I am grateful, don’t get me wrong. ¬†But I have been spoilt. ¬†Spoilt with the long HOT Summers that Sydney Australia knows too well, and I know full well the anticipation they are feeling right now as they¬†enter their Spring – such enthusiasm to be shedding the brief warm layers they’ve worn over their short cool spell.

Can you tell I miss Australia?

I miss the land down under with its Meat Pies, Vegemite Sandwiches, continual hot hot Summers and warm crystal oceans. ¬†Warm Oceans – now there’s a foreign concept to this side of the planet. ¬†I was never a water baby, but now that that privilege has been removed from me this Summer, I suddenly want to be!

Memories and visions of Australia have been dancing through my minds eye this last week. Rising alongside of the grief I mentioned in my last blog post here. ¬†I can’t tell what this all means. ¬†Part of me thinks I am grieving, letting go of the attachment I have to such a rich sun drenched land. ¬†The other part wonders if this is a sign that I should return?

I know that I am undertaking a new beginning in my life right now.  I know that I am ready to make a home and prepare for work that I need to do in the world.  But right now, the only home that I know is the one within.  The one that I have been fighting to come back to, stronger and stronger everyday, since I embarked on my inner journey in 2005.  Some 10 years ago.

This isn’t a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. ¬†In fact its a fantastic thing! ¬†To know that within you is your home, what can really compare to that? ¬†To feel comfortable in your own skin, wherever you go. ¬†Much like a snail with its house on its back, so are we, with our homes in our hearts. ¬†It seems the further and further we are from ourselves, the more we accumulate in our environments, and the closer and more connected we are to our hearts, the less we need in our environments.

Imagine if we all came from our hearts Рhow different the world would be.  Not just from a materialistic viewpoint, but literally living from our hearts Рbeing guided by that which knows our path, each and every moment, of every day.

See this is the thing. ¬†My content. ¬†My story that I am sharing to you, really doesn’t matter. ¬†Its simply that, a story. One that my head, my ego has created to entertain my mind, to give it something to do, because if it doesn’t have something to do, then what is there? ¬†Space. ¬†Big ole SPACE. ¬†Space for the Universe to drop right on in with greater insights and meaning than the mind can fathom.

I love reminding myself of this truth.  As it reminds me that there is something far bigger than what we think we are doing.  It reminds me that I am supported beyond measure, that there is a grand plan for me, and if I can just step out of the way, I will be shown this plan, step by step.

I have these words within my meditation shrine;

“What you can plan is to small for you to live”

It reminds me there are far greater things that I am destined for, things that I cannot even fathom!  Which is so freaken exciting!

And so my story, the one that I began writing previously to these words, reads;
“I feel split between being¬†in Canada where my cute boy is, setting up our home & creating a family & life. ¬†Returning to Sydney where I know the sand is warm, golden & the blue skies go on for days. ¬†Travelling to Bali to embark on a type of quest, jump off the metaphorical cliff, and begin to make tracks in the direction of the horizon. ¬†All are beautiful options, and all intrigue and excite me. ¬†Is it possible to have my cake and eat it too? ¬†I am discovering that this is true and absolutely possible, however right now, I feel this split.”

This is my story.  The story my head is filling itself with.  The distraction from the space within that is ready, receptive to its next command from the grand Universe.  I love words.  I love stories.  They are interesting.  They are life.  But when there is work to do, a purpose, the command becomes a greater excitement, fulfillment than the stories we create, share and elaborate on.

Manly Beach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In case you were wondering what answer landed in the space…

BALI! ¬†Here I come…

Why do I cough and how to shift it

My life externally, is slowly beginning to change, and it is a result of me changing on the inside.

It has been a simple perspective shift that has allowed me to see my external environment differently.

I am finding that I have a deeper gratitude for what already exists. ¬†I knew I needed to move closer towards this. ¬†I could view it while I was in the chaos and destruction of change. ¬†My head would remind me that I needed deeper gratitude. ¬†I could see that I wasn’t giving thanks to all that I have present in my life. ¬†I was merely looking at what I didn’t have, or what I wanted to change.

For example, Neil gives me pretty much anything I want. ¬†I’m not a materialistic person by any means, so its not like I go shopping on his Credit Card. ¬†But I know, if I want anything, I could ask him, and he’d almost give it to me.

He pays the mortgage, he pays the utilities, he pays for the greater percentage of food, all meals out, gas for the car I drive. ¬†He pretty much covers it all. ¬†And here’s me – saying – “I’m not happy”. ¬†Whilst from the outside looking in, one can judge me to be spoilt, lucky, what do I have to be unhappy about, ‘hard done by – as Neil once said. ¬†And yes, I would agree with you. ¬†But it is also VERY important to not undermine, the importance of acknowledging how we feel, despite our environments.

Once upon a time, I had a female client when I was a Personal Trainer. ¬†I viewed her as having the world. ¬†She was a well educated psychologist. ¬†Her husband was (is) a world renowned Author, earning money beyond what most would know, and she was well taken care of. ¬†She owned a Mini Cooper, she shopped regularly at lululemon and other high end stores. ¬†She practiced Yoga daily, had a wealth of friends and family, and basically lived this charmed life, by my judgement. ¬†But little did I know, she wasn’t happy. ¬†Some years later I learnt that tragically, she took her own life. She’d become depressed and felt she was a burden on her husband and those loved ones around her.

This story is a prime example of how we can so easily negate how we are feeling deep down, despite our personal life circumstances.

I believe one of the challenges of our time, is living in this materialistic world, where we are buying more and more things, to fill the void within us.  We pass our emotions off, saying #firstworldproblems, and compare what we have to Joe Bloggs down the road, reminding ourselves we have more than most.  Which may be true, but we fail to acknowledge that deep yearning within us, that needs our attention dearly.

Without our attention, we continue to fill our “god made hole with god knows what” – to quote my counselling teacher – Deborah Womack.

I have been listening to Dr Wayne Dyer speak all morning – and if you’re not aware of his teachings, best you introduce yourself to him. ¬†Sadly he left his body last week, moving on to his next adventure – which he was very excited about. ¬†He has left a legacy behind him, so you can still awaken your soul by listening and watching. ¬†Wayne spent one year, practicing detachment. ¬†Letting go of those material things in his life, that took him further away from himself.

He says “we enter this life with nothing, NoThing, and we leave with nothing, NoThing”.

Notice when we let go of our favorite possessions, food or other, how we might feel.  We can distract ourselves SO greatly by focusing on items outside of ourselves.

So to come back to what I was saying, I could distract myself by¬†looking at my external situation; Neil supports my life, and pays for most of my expenses, and use my ego to make myself feel temporarily better, or I can acknowledge how I’m really feeling underlying this, and explore, what is the real reason I am unhappy?

This was the journey I chose to make.

I have been¬†acknowledging my sadness, which turned into grief, which for me, has turned into a sore throat, and coughing at night. ¬†When we don’t release our emotions completely,¬†¬†they get trapped in our bodies, and we unconsciously chose to release them that way, ie – this cold I have created.

If we all began to turn our attention inwards, to that inner calling, those deep desires, the language of the soul, we would embark of the greatest journey to date.  We would connect with something greater than ourselves, and flow in our purpose of life, without effort, with grace & divinity.

It may start with a choice to detach from your addictions and material desires, it may start with a meditation practice.  However you choose to start.  Start.

No big things are created without one small step towards it.

Dr Wayne Dyer | why do I cough?

I have cracked wide open

Today there is not to much else to do or understand, but just be and write a little.

It feels like everything is coming to a head, and life as I currently know it is changing, not before my eyes – because that actually hasn’t happened yet – but on my insides.

Since doing a breath work/sound healing yesterday afternoon, it has brought up all the emotions attached to my current situation. ¬†(in case you haven’t read anything; the ‘up in the air-ness’ of my love relationship, my purpose/job/career, my country location…) Three very big life topics to look at at the same time.

I am feeling slightly split open, cracked, cloudy, foggy, unclear, sad, frustrated, sometimes angry, introspective, just to name a few.

This morning I don’t know what to do with myself. ¬†Simple feels like a great place to start, so I have meditated, and now I am writing as I heat my breakfast and sip on lemon water.

I had a lovely supportive chat with Lynne yesterday afternoon – she reminded me of how the ego often needs to crack so that new life can pour in. ¬†I’ve experienced this once before in my life, and that was in about 2008 – the time in my life when I became depressed & I can compare it to that time – minus the depression – thank god!

Its like trying to think a thought or ask a question – and all you see is blank unlimited space.

What should I do today? Blank Space

What do I feel like doing? Blank Space

Its an interesting place to be. ¬†Hence pulling it back to simplicity. ¬†Something I think my mind failed with when I entered depression. ¬†That over thinking, need to know, brain of mine…

Its when the blankies hit “Blank Space”, then one resorts to a moment by moment affair of what one (me) wants to do with her time.

Which in essence, is all there ever is.  This moment in time.  The next does not exist yet & never will, until it then becomes the present moment.

We strive to achieve this type of presence in meditation.  Being in the here and now, connecting with breath & as I always like to do, my guides/angels & the magic that exists in the spaces between worlds.

Though, this said, lets not discount our minds and how much struggle they can go into & cause us when they are no longer needed (in this sense).

They have been built on us trying to create our lives in our minds. ¬†I will live in this country, with this partner, I’d like to do this in the world, and earn this much money, so that we can go on holiday, live a bountiful life and feel happy…

Uh uh – this doesn’t even exist – our minds have created this scene based on past experiences & future ideas for pure entertainment pleasure – so that we can trick ourselves in magically feeling safe in the world. ¬†This is the life that I want to live and am working towards – therefore I am SAFE! ¬†When the reality is, life is lived moment by moment, it happens to us as a co-creation with us.

What I’m writing is so not anything new – no new concept to you at all, however it is the execution of it, that makes it all the more powerful. ¬†Dropping ideas and conditioning and surrendering to the unknown and what life will gift us.

I shared a conversation with my neighbor the other day. ¬†We were talking about drinking and why people drink. ¬†She told me that she¬†finds life boring, so having a drink is something has makes her feel good. ¬†This is exactly the conditioning we are living with. ¬†If we are not open & available to lifes’ gifts, then the mind will get bored. ¬†We’re not open to being guided by our souls calling, leading us on our own personal adventure.

I don’t want to live a half arsed life – I never have, I feel now, that there has always been a strong will guiding me on my adventures. ¬†Even as my head has been in the way for most of my life – I can now sense that it has always been there guiding me.

So the journey home is not an easy one, but a courageous one that will show you parts of yourself that you may not have wished to see, but it is well worth it.  Beyond worth.  It is life.  There is nothing else.  As if you pass this life having not experienced that wonder that is you, well have you really lived?

My biggest fear is dying without having release my magic within, having not met my purpose…

Surrendering the pain of being human…

Wanderlust Whistler 2015

This weekend occurring, has been a culmination of a process of letting go and letting god for me.

Its tough to articulate the specifics of energy movement as it is in transit, but I feel as though I am surrendering stuff that is YEARS old.

I really love what one of the facilitators said yesterday about giving ourselves permission to feel good as well as experience the pain we might feel. ¬†I know for myself, I’m great at acknowledging when things feel tough, but perhaps haven’t been so great at acknowledging when things feel amazing.

As I was driving off the ferry onto the Mainland on Friday, I noticed a build up of energy in my being which translated as burping and a general oddness in my body.  When I surrendered to it and gave myself permission to let it pass, what transcended was total bliss & joy at being in the moment of the adventure I had embarked on.  I cried in joy at the appreciation of myself for taking that step into the void, into the unknown.

This weekend has been just that.  I have felt so extremely proud of myself for being this little fish in the ocean, for stepping out into unknown, for travelling to Whistler, Canada on my own.  I have been greeted by like minded souls & embrace in love and the magic of how life is.  Being here, I see how I have been in some sort of bubble of discomfort.  Self created.

This morning I was drawn to a Kundalini Yoga class.  This is a practice I guess I choose to do sporadically as I know and feel only to well how it has the powerful ability to stir my energy, and as an extension Рmy life up.  I always trust that I am guided to what I need in each moment, and this moment was no different.

We were guided through a series of breathing and movement exercises to arrive at one of surrendering all of our worries, fears and cares to the divine.  I could feel stuff building to release, but little did I know what I was paving the way for.

By the end of our surrendering exercise, my tears and snot were flowing everywhere.  I was crying for everyone and everything.  I was crying for the pain of being human.  Right now I feel I am still in this, and am feeling a little tender, and so have retreated to our home space for some quiet R & R.

So I sit here right now, in gentle reflection of what I am rebirthing and remembering.

Till next time…

Me Vancouver Ferry Wanderlust