My funk, gives permission to your funk

Sometimes the day calls for gentleness and not so much action.

This ride can be a challenging one when sometimes the next step is NOT clear, but a decision needs to be made.

Such is the case for me today, and as a result (I think), my thoughts and feels, are funky and so it’s been a slow day for me.

Despite having tools, I’m normalizing that this path is tough and unknown and that it’s impossible to be upbeat and optimistic all the time.

“the only way forward is through’

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Use this tool to shift old habits and funky energy

You know when you wake up in the morning (feeling like P Diddy), and you’re present to some funk. Not the dance kind, but the energetic kind.
Sometimes you sit with it, sometimes you can move it.
In this video I share a little of my funk and remind you how you can simply ask it what it needs. Simple right? Ya – I thought so too.

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Chat with Heidi here

Use this simple tool for Negative Self Talk

Here I share a super simple tool you can use every time you observe a negative thought, or witness a story you know is not true.

By doing so, you program your mind to chose the thoughts you want to align to.

This isn’t about negating what is, it’s about acknowledging it, and coming back to what you DO want. Simples. So it should be.

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Chat with Heidi here

Conversations on sex and self pleasure

Conversations recently are beginning to amp around the topic of sex and relationships.  Perhaps it’s that Venus has recently been in Retrograde, so she’s been digging up all the stuff we needed to release and transform, preparing us for another step forward in the journey of self love and awareness.

I’m loving it, because some beautiful experiences have recently come my way.  A beautiful intimate experience with another and satisfying conversations with girl friends, breaking down the aftermath of insights preceding it.  It’s touched on a really deep desire to talk about and explore the intricate nature that are intimate relationships.

From the conversations had with another, to the nitty gritty of what happens in the bedroom.  What this comes down to I believe, is that it’s not a topic we have been encouraged to explore and learn about since the day we were old enough to understand, what is sex & where do babies come from?

I was given a picture book which illustrated dogs and puppies to humans and babies, my girlfriend nods in acknowledgement that she too was given a book.  We’re taught in school that girls get periods and to put a cotton tampon in your vagina each month and BAM that’s pretty much it, oh and to take the contraceptive pill if you’re sexually active.

There’s no information about about moon cycles, red tents, TSS – toxic shock syndrome, how to manage emotions, the emotional healing and clearing of the month, and forget about the magical wonder of being a Woman.  (I don’t mean to section out Men right now.  I do think there should be the equal education for Men, however at present I am reflecting on my personal story to date – as, I am a Woman).

We’re not taught about female pleasure, orgasms, yin/yang energy, kissing, boundaries or the importance of communication and the differences between Males and Females.  Think Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.  Nope, it’s just a make things up as you go kinda deal.  Which really, is life in general, learning to fly as you’re building the plane.  I’m not finger pointing or making our parents or teachers wrong, just merely pointing out the ‘what if’ it was different?

What if we were taught?  What if, we start teaching now?

I am sure that I am not the only one who grew up not having a clue about any of this.  I remember discovering my orgasm by accident and feeling such guilt that I had touched myself to do so.  It took me years to remove that self created pattern from my body.

They say that only about 57% of Woman can orgasm through intercourse, and can only orgasm through direct clitoral stimulation.  I personally believe there’s a whole underground to uncover here.  One of the main themes being of shame and worth.  Shame and worth to receive pleasure.  To allow the expansive nature of surrender and receive from your partner.  This merely being the trigger to unlock the depth of generational wounding from our history as Woman.  No wonder period pain is classified ‘normal’ in this day and age.

Let me make it clear that period pain is NOT normal!

Even now my conversations with my girlfriends still hold an element of feeling like we don’t have the power to state what it is that we like and don’t like.  There seems to be this age old pattern of the Man initiating the act, and leading the sex the way he likes it, we simply follow and often times feel unsatisfied afterwards.  We don’t say anything because quite likely, we simply do not know what it is we like, or are fearful to ask for what we want, so we follow the grain and do what we’ve always done.

I am grateful that I’ve been exploring my personal pleasure for a while now, and have learnt what I like.  I’ve learnt a lot about my body, and the intricacies of subtle energy and how they beautifully play together.  I know my body, and I will always continue to learn.  But who knows this stuff if 1) it’s not taught, or 2) you haven’t taken the initiative to explore yourself?  Perhaps it’s the ever curious adventurous Sagittarian in me that is on the quest for more, more, more?!

So now fast forward, into the adults that we’re meant to be.  Collectively there is this conversation that is happening about the Men not doing xyz, not being present, not communicating, not being available etc etc… But the way I see it is, how are we not working together?  I feel like in each moment, we are only ever learning, and if we’re not open to learning and being vulnerable, well then your mind is filled with preconceived ideas about a thing which is based on your agenda or an outcome you want.  Therefore missing the beauty that is really unfolding in that very moment.

Every conversation and relationship is but a step forward in our own personal evolution of self.  To come away from an interaction with thoughts about what the other didn’t do, or wasn’t available to do, is only a mirror for our own self to explore.  99% of the time.

So where does it all start?

Personal development, self time and reflection and yes physical exploration.  What do you like, what don’t you like AND can you communicate that to your partner.  What arises in the act of this?

Fear, embarrassment, hurt, pain… What a wonderful pot of mud to jump in and explore.  Maybe on the precipice of it, it may not look it beautiful, but Ooooohhhh the Ooooooh at the other end of it will be well worth your time.  Believe me!

I’ll leave you with some links for wonderful people already out in the world doing this work;

Layla Martin
John Wineland

So much love x

conversations on sex

7 takeaways I’ve learnt from living in Bali

Living in Bali is a common conversation topic had frequently amongst friends. We often share similar themes for living on this magical island of the gods.

There are however exceptions to these themes, as there are different pockets of people who live here.  All of which will experience Bali in their own magical way.  But these themes appear to be the generic topics I experience with my network.

Perhaps I’ll break it down;

1.  You come to Bali to heal, for your own personal journey

It’s not called the island of the gods for nothing.  There is a palpable energy here than is felt by all, and if you don’t feel it, you will on a deeper subconscious level.

Ubud, Bali is an epicenter for healing.  From Yoga, to Meditation, to Traditional Balinese Healers, Gong Sessions, Sound Therapy, Massage, Water Temples, Ecstatic Dance Parties, to sitting in silence at a silent retreat.  Bali has an abundance of modalities to welcome all spiritual seekers back to their truth.
Whether we know this is why we are here or not, there is a reason why people come to Bali.

I personally believe deep down we are lost, trying to find our way back home, the home within ourselves.  We’ve lost connection with our land, our people, our tribe.  Sure we call it backpacking or holidaying, I think we are lost and trying to find our way home in some way.  Bali facilitates that.  With it’s wild nature, and beautiful heart-centered people, it shows us a simpler way of living.  Bali brings us back to ourselves gently, or not so gently depending upon how you receive her guidance.

2.  You are faced with your money issues, your families money issues and your generational money issues

Now this one I am speaking for myself and some of my friends who share the same story.  This isn’t everyone’s truth and I’m aware that I don’t wish for this to become my truth, but it is mega interesting that many people struggle here.

For one, working here is illegal, so jobs are few, and working online can be limited.  Many digital nomads set themselves up in co-working spaces.  That’s one pocket of individuals I’m not tapped into.  I did think I was going to go down this road, and 9 months ago signed up to an online Digital Marketing company.  I was determined and positive that this was aligned to me and what I was bringing into the world, but as I got deeper and deeper into the online lessons, I learnt that it moved me further and further away from my values and what I wanted to bring to the world.

There are many layers of conditioning that I’ve needed to disassemble to teach me I can do the work I value in the world, and make money.  This is a whole topic unto itself I could write a separate blog on.
I’ve had to learn to shift from a fear based way of living, into a heart centered.  In the west we have our jobs, our 9-5, our salary and benefits.  These are great and supportive and enable us to build the lives we have, BUT, are these jobs 100% the creation of ours souls desire?  Chances are if you were to break it down, it likely wouldn’t be.  You might find it to be the cultivation of your fears, driving you to the creation of the cushy supportive job that gives you the run off of stuff and things that makes you feel a certain way.  This isn’t bad or wrong, it’s just conditioning.  Until we begin to question, we only know what we only know.

I’ve had to face the harsh discomfort of having nothing.  No money, no stuff, no things, peeling away all the layers of built up fear, face the underlying drivers behind why I’ve done what I’ve done, to build a new foundation to move into the world with.  That shits not easy, and it’s not for everyone, but it’s something that my soul guided me to undergo.

I’m not bound by interest rates, home loans, expensive assets, expensive toys, rents and monthly internet, netflix or electricity bills.  I’ve found freedom.  I know I am but one person, not a family, but these money lessons have been the hugest to date.

I now see through the cracks of society and how it’s all one massive orchestrated control fest.  Rats on a never ending wheel of working to live, living to work.  Being educated the value of a career, to earn high wages, to own the nice house and car, losing sight of the real abundance in this lifetime.  The soil, the planet, our health.  Again a whole blog post could be written here.

3.  Completing tasks that are easy at home, are hard as shit to complete here

This is as crazy as it sounds.  Seriously.  It has taken my friend 5 months to create a flyer for her business.  From working with a graphic designer to edit an existing flyer template, to paying her, to getting it to the printers, has been one crazy laughable ride.  The funny thing is, it’s away perfect.  There is a flow, a yin based way of living here.

It’s like you have to throw your intention to the wind, wait like a boomerang for it to return to your thoughts, before moving forward in action towards it.  Try going to the post office for example; something so simple and easy in any other part of the world.  Here, you have to find your available pocket of time to go, navigate the extreme tourist traffic, find a bike park, await your turn – often a good chunk of time, ensure you have your ID, all required items to post and money.  Because this is Bali, chances are, one day you’ll forget your ID, another day, the post office will be closed, and another – you’ll miraculously bump into an old friend you haven’t seen in 5 years whilst on the way, and miss out on making it to the post office before it closes.  Simple things become hard.  And as always, it’s perfect.

4.  Be prepared to let go of any plan you have upon arriving

Have you heard the saying, you get what you need, not what you want?

Well that comes into form here.  Anyone with an agenda should be prepared to let that go ASAP.  There is a natural flow state here.  Things unfold as and when they’re meant to.  We in the west are so conditioned to doing things on our agenda.  Being linear and masculine orientated in doing.  Go here, then here, then here.  You don’t see the Balinese move like this.  They graciously move from A to B, having all the time in the world, for impromptu conversations, connections, basically enjoying life.

Westerners – we’re in a hurry to get to where we’re going.  Our life is predominately in our future existence.  We are rarely ever here.  Bali will teach you to slow down, to enjoy each moment to moment.  If you don’t listen, you’ll receive a lesson that will slow you down.   A late driver, a flat tyre, an accident, slow service – and a million more examples than I can think of.

5.  You will learn to walk with one foot in the physical reality, one foot in the non physical

This has been one of my biggest lessons (haha another one).  I continue to say to my Mum.  “It is SO different living here!”
I’ve had to learn how to trust life more than I ever have before!  I’m the kind of person who budgets, always has enough, puts money aside each week for bills, expenses, holidays, savings etc…
Since living here, all those have been exhausted and any sort of safety net I’d always have, has evaporated.  I’ve had to make decisions to commit to things before I’ve had the money to do so, and needed to trust that the money will come.

I moved into my current home in that manner, I committed to my last visa run the same way.  It’s like having one foot in the tangible, and one foot in the non tangible.

Abraham (Esther Hicks), calls it aligning to your vortex.  Not getting distracted by your here and now reality of what current exists, but focusing on that which you want to manifest and fully knowing in it’s coming into form, irrespective of desired timeline.  It’s a learnt skill I tell you.  One I’d like to think I’m getting better and better at.  It has been a challenge to trust where my money will come from to pay my upcoming visa extension, rent, bike rental, food, but somehow the money comes, maybe not on time, maybe I have to ask a friend, maybe Mum gives me money.  It’s not always a comfortable situation, but it is rich with lessons in receiving, in learning to be vulnerable, learning to trust, and showing up at the drop of a hat when need be.

6.  Anything you need to learn, that you have missed, or choose to miss, will slap you hard in the face

Lessons are a constant, rarely is there a pause in something that needs to be learnt and transformed.  If you don’t get the message, it will repeat until you do.  Bali will work with your built-in programming to give it to you in a way that you’re accustomed.  If you’re used to dealing with things in the physical; a cold, flu, virus, Bali Belly – be sure you’ll find yourself with one of these.

If you’re used to repeating patterns in your daily experience; lovers who aren’t emotionally available, money problems, transport problems, terrible neighbors, you’ll receive the same experiences as if stuck in ground hog day.

If you’re adapt at emotional release, transforming your thoughts – be sure you’ll flow with Bali, and shift lifetimes of patterns in your short or long stay here.

7.  Bali will release you when it’s time to go

When it’s time to leave, you’ll know it.  You’ll hear/feel the call to go somewhere else, and you’ll have no choice but to take action.  I haven’t yet experienced this, but I’ve witnessed it time and time again.  One of my dear sistas has just heard her call.  She’s been here for 9 months, and about 2 weeks ago felt strongly it was time to return to her home soil.  She’s booked her ticket, handed in her resignation and is now putting the call out to rent her home and find a carer for her animals.  She knows she’ll be back.  But for now, it’s time to go.

It’s a funny one this life in Bali.  We are and will always be visitors to this island.  The longer we stay, no change does it make to our status.  We are still simply visitors.  We can learn the language, learn the culture and it’s beautiful customs, but it will not change anything.  We can commit to being here, as I choose to nearly 3 months ago, get a dog, make it our home, but at the end of the day, when Bali says it’s time, it’s time.

I am in constant awe and gratitude for being here in this magical place.  Not a day passes that I don’t think “OMG I’m in Bali!”  As I ride my scooter from A to B, witnessing the beautiful land people (as I have nick named them).  The dark skinned locals who work in the fields next to my home.  Their earth grabbing wide feet, mud to their knees, carrying epic 40kg plus sacks of grass to their home, their cows.  Their toothless smiles and acknowledgement to my tourist Indonesian greetings – “Pagi”, “Yeah yeah” they reply.  The chanting of Gatri Mantra each 6am, 12pm, 6pm.  The smell of incense and offerings on the ground in front of each compound in my gang.  The pack of Bali Dogs hunting for any form of food they can find.  It is all wildly magical, beautiful, raw and real.  I just adore Bali.  What a gift!

living in bali

2017 & finding my words again

2017 is here, 2016 fades, and I’m learning to find my words again.

For me, 2016 still lingers, like a bad smell that won’t quit.  A reminder of the epic lessons thrown at me.  The relentless pummeling, like being dumped in a massive surf break that appears as endless as an Australian Summer.

Last year was a massive year of endings, lessons, transformations, challenges & every other color in between that.  I was forced to let go of anything and everything I knew to be true, AND, any form of external safety or security I had created.

I found myself living in Bali for the full duration, with a brief trip to Australia for a visa run.  Other than that, it was life in a Silent Retreat for 8.5 months, followed by life in Ubud, Bali.

In hindsight now, I can see that I simply needed to make the decision to be here, rather than leave decisions to the wind and magically hope that Bali would simply provide everything I could need.  But hindsights are always that aren’t they, seeing life clearly once you’ve been on the rollercoaster ride of life adventure.

It was scary being here.  Scary in the not knowing, it still is.  Of surrendering to the fact that we are not control.  I struggle with this dance.  Of choosing a direction and trusting that I will be supported in it.  I think I am still holding the scars from the last time I trusted this process.  Leaving Australia for Canada, and then leaving Canada for New Zealand.  I’m smart ya know – I do understand that life is about experiences – adventure.  Successes and Failures.  But today I acknowledge *yet again* the pain of hurt in my heart from something that ended so abruptly.

So I struggle to choose something and trust.  Hence the non choosing of my life here in Bali.  To just wander and drift and hope that life would show up for me.  And it has, I have constantly been provided for.  Amazing friends & family who have provided accommodation, food & listening loving ears whenever I have needed.

But this way of living has invited a sense of hopelessness, a mistrust within myself that I didn’t hold the power to make anything happen, that I was at the complete mercy of life to carry me where I needed to go.  Even today I still feel like this.  Just having finished a conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop, I still feel powerless to life.

I know no one knows where they are going, but I for one feel like I’m leading the party on the mission to no where.  Sometimes I feel like I have it right, and everyone else has it wrong.  Because we aren’t going anywhere, we are only here. Right here, right now.  In fact to think we are going anywhere else but here is laughable!

“Want to make god laugh?  Tell him your plans.”

But my lesson of the year, is one of trust & co-creation.  Of working with the law of attraction to make the desirable occur.  I want a home.  I have to choose a home. Sounds basic right?  Yes.  But I’ve lacked the fundamental self belief that I am worthy of anything, so therefore chose to not choose anything.  And because I chose nothing, then nothing showed up, despite me wanting stuff.  I was in-congruent with my core belief – “I’m not worthy.”  So keep attracting more of not being worthy.  Ouch!

I’m on the final straight of this doozy of a lesson.  I am SO done with believing I am not enough, it serves NO ONE!

Yes – I have chosen that I want a home & am actively searching.  It is taking it’s sweet time for sure, but I’m putting it down to the right one making it’s way to me.  I am receiving messages that this lesson is near completion, that I have done the work, and that now it’s about letting go and allowing the final completion to occur with gratitude for all it’s wonder and juiciness.

I gave thanks to my dear Sista – Samaya last night, she has opened up her home to me & has made me feel nothing but welcome.  I said to her, if this is the final hurrah of this lesson, I’ve been given such a wonderful opportunity by sharing such quality time with her.

Forgive my writing, but I’m still finding my writing pants – I think I have lost them from the constant bed hopping that I’ve been participating in.  Writing feels like I am swimming in an alphabet stew and cannot connect the correct letters, let alone words, to put together.  I used to find writing & blogging so easy – but currently it’s like trying to swim to the surface after being pummeled by those said waves in the beginning.

2017 finding my words again

This is an Osho card reading I gave myself last night.  Depicting the situation at hand.
1 – The Issue – Consciousness
2 – What I’m present to internally – Innocence
3 – What needs to happen externally – Letting Go
4 – What is currently happening – Transformation
5 – The Outcome – Completion

3 of these cards being Major Arcana Cards – representing BIG lessons at play.

How do I heal my Inner Child?

There hasn’t been much inspiration for blogging recently, I’ve been knee deep in emotional healing, loving my Inner Child, much to the disappointment of my inner ‘get things done’ self.  Apparently now is a time of deep inner healing, as reflected to me by my healer friend.

There’s been resistance with the acceptance of this, I mean, I am in the perfect place to be healing, but seriously, how long does one have to heal for – can I get on with the show already? Am I right?

It feels as though this year has been relentless in the pursuit of healing. The whole of 2016! In numerology this year is a 9 year, a year of endings. 2+0+1+6=9. Representing the ending of a 8/9 year cycle, and I tell you what, these numbers aren’t lying.  This last year feels like it has been dying a slow death, like the transition of seasons from fall to winter – but longer.

After spending 8.5 months in a Silent Retreat, 2.5 in Ubud – I feel like physically, I have not achieved one thing. Sure, there may be a few blog posts to show, pages and pages of scribbled journaling’s – most of which are ash by now.  I have 2 suitcases filled with my belongings & have accumulated one beautiful gifted wooden Ganesha representative of destroying my obstacles.  Sounds like a pretty clean simple year no?

Internally it looks like the Sahara desert, intuitively I feel endless rolling hills of cleared debris & destruction.  You can’t see my inner landscape, I can’t prove to you how much inner work I’ve done. We cannot sit and compare notes and graphs about who’s inner work is going to have the biggest return on investment, because this shit can’t be seen. When times like this in life present, (and yes I say times like this, as this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this), it is so easy to forget that life exists outside of the inner destruction that has occurred.

I forget that there IS a life of dreams and desires, of the world’s greatest riches. I forget that there are manifestations of unknown awaiting my rebirth into the world. I forget that there is a sea of possibility just begging me to grab a hold of it with both hands. I forget that I am a valued being on this planet and another voice for Mother Earth. I forget. I am lost in my inner Star Wars Movie – the battle of the dark side against the light.

how do I heal?

This recent battle is just about over. One that has invited my inner teenager with all her wounds, aches and pains. I was gifted a beautiful encounter with a gorgeous Balinese Man who’s smile was enough to make my heart melt, and it pretty much did. It has been about one full year since anyone had looked at me, so to feel my butterflies dance in my tummy was a strange, but exciting feeling – I decided to explore it. Why not?

Edges were met & my fears emerged, I didn’t know whether to let the whole thing go and continue to protect my precious heart, or to open and expand despite these fears. A trip back to the Silent Retreat and a deep dig towards some inner courage saw me return to Ubud lighter and ready to explore.

My heart was opened again and I felt as vulnerable as a fresh teenager rich with new hormones. She was out in full force. The beauty of this relationship was a test of this vulnerable part of myself – would she seek fulfillment in another, or would I (adult Heidi) rise to the challenge and be there to catch her – to meet her needs.

Heart open, arms wide, I was there to catch her, there could be no other way, because he was not available, nor is it his job. His heart closed, encased behind walls of hurt & pain. She kicked & screamed and yelled at me for love, so show up for her did. Time spent laying on my bed, holding my heart, tears streaming, journaling & meditation to hold her tightly was all I could do from going crazy thinking about him.

An external force brought into my world to make me show up stronger than I ever have for myself.  It’s been a good month of parenting myself, it has been wild & relentless. I am SO thankful to see who I am and understand how to care for me, to not throw myself at another in the vain ‘hope’ that he will give me what I needed to give myself.

The relationship has come to a close, and I am feeling a little more settled within my heart, aware of new lessons on the cusp. Trust & Intimacy… This inner work, really is akin to work – seriously! If there was a way to be paid for it, I would be onto the winning ticket.

Our relationships really are nothing but mirrors for us. Showing up to teach us the deepest parts of ourselves we have not yet met. It takes courage to engage in conscious relationships – that shit ain’t easy.

“the road can teach you how to love and let go,
it can be lonely, but it’s the only thing, that we’ve ever known…”

Wash It Away
Nahko Bear

> If you’re needing support in gaining clarity around your Inner Child within relationships, contact me at me@heidifirth.com or Be Your Own Guru – Worldwide on Facebook.

What should I be eating daily?

Welcome to the first post in a series of Facebook/Blog Posts on a variety of topics to support you in aligning to the Guru that you are.  Mondays topic is – You are what eat – Food & Nutrition – What should I be eating daily.

This is the first Monday that Be Your Own Guru has touched on this topic, and as I’m sure you are well to aware of, is a BIG one!

There is SO much information available to us, in fact it is overwhelming how much information there is.

Articles, research & blogs saying eat this, don’t eat this. Be Vegan, Eat Paleo – it’s any wonder the majority of people don’t know what to do and are seeking answers externally.

I witness a massive online demand from people in search of diet plans from Professionals. How can someone on the other side of the world, have the slightest idea what your body will need nutritionally, energetically & climately (yes I made up a word), yet takes your money in exchange for your loss of personal power? How are these ‘Professionals’ really aligned to health?

Food & Nutrition goes so much deeper than calories in & calories out. There are crucial elements such as where the meat was sourced, how it lived in harmony with the planet, what food it ate during it’s life cycle, if vegetables were grown in organic soil, what the farmers practices were in growing & harvesting, their transportation method & how long ago the produce was harvested before it was cooked.

Now I KNOW this is a lot of information to consider for one single meal, so there is absolutely no expectation to go out into your day and expect to follow all of this, let alone authentically care to know. We will expand slowly on these topics in the coming weeks. As with any area of our life, it takes learning to look at ourselves first, before we have the capacity to extend our thinking to others.

My food journey started with cleaning up my diet in preparation for a Body Building competition. Before that, I was a cardio junkie who ate carb dominant foods because I was also a sugar junkie hiding from her emotions. I had no connection to myself, only a one track mind that was focused on running harder & faster. (More on this in future posts). When my trainer told me to cut all sugar from my diet, I did – though I felt as though I had been hit by a train. There were no blog articles or Instagram feeds to teach me about detoxing effects.

Without going into my whole food story right now, the key ingredient I learnt over time, was to listen to what my body needed. Sure I did study & learn various tools, but essentially those tools supported me to attune with what I needed, and from there, it has evolved.
No one can or should tell you what your body needs, only you can do that. Once you tune into your innate knowing, you will live in harmony & balance with your body as only you can.

So the exercise…
Get your hands on a copy of the Metabolic Typing Diet by William Wolcott
http://www.metabolictyping.com/
Within this book there is a questionnaire which will test your Metabolic Type.
From here, it will teach you what ratios of Protein, Carbohydrates & Fats to eat in each meal.

This will support in maintaining balanced blood sugar levels through your day which will offer optimal energy. No sugar peaks, or troughs bringing on cravings for more of the same.

In time, you will come to know your bodies messages, whether you needed more or less fats or proteins, if you’re really craving sugar or need to sit with the craving feeling and notice if it’s an emotional need.

Your food journey starts with coming to know your body, your bodies messages, and attuning your fuel requirements to give yourself the optimal amount energy.

Stay tuned on Facebook for continued posts this week that elaborate on this topic…

what should I be eating daily?

8 Month Womb of Bali Love

These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection.  It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.

Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation.  Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to.  I’m Heidi – I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path.  This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.

I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.

It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period.  Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward.  After all, doesn’t it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life?  Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action.  Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties.  Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe.  “Il dolce far niente.”

I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly.  After all, as the saying goes “we get what we need, not what we want.”

I’ve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life – making a living – in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali.  It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‘in control’ of such simple matters.  However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on.  I have been gifted a break from the rat race.  An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.

Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali.  An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective.  To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble.  A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed.  Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, “what am I doing with my life!”

Feeling unbiased either way upon my return – should I stay, should I go – I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed – I felt freer.  But direction & purpose were still no more clearer.   Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I’d hoped options would become clear to me.  This wasn’t to be the case.  Foggier and foggier I became.  I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force.  Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear.  I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.

That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy.  Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished.  I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online.  I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins.  I started watching it out of curiosity.  He’s been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him.  However he has a movie set for release shortly titled “I am not your Guru”, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept.  I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.

Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like “how to control your emotions” thinking, this will be interesting.  I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he’s talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.

I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something.  I get this.  We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message.  I get this also.  What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 – Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 – Take action preceding the situation.

Watch the mentioned Tony Robbin’s Video here

 

I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed.  For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness.  So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth.  Allowing it to be what is.  It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine.  Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity – having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age?  Perhaps making up for lost time, I don’t know?

This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked “what do I do next?”  I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration.  A clear indication around what action I needed to take.  Up until recently, I’ve been getting nadda.  This morning what came through was a message – “back yourself.”

What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control.  I am in charge of what I want to create.  I looked at why I am feeling this way.  I got really honest with myself.  I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously.  So what was my resistance?

I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone.  That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be.  I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself.  I was my own boss.  I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!

This memory reminded me that I can do that again!

I needed to internally choose.  I needed to step up, to back myself.  To choose that I want to work for myself.  To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here.  Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards.  I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now.  Now is the time to do.

As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout.  I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them.  I was my own Personal Trainer.  Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.

This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session!  Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good.  In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.

There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being.  We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment.  It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.

womb of bali love

 

living in Bali | facing myself

This living in Bali business really invites facing myself in a brutally honest way.
It has to be one of my most challenging rides to date.  I think I consider leaving Bali almost daily.

It feels like the mask that once so craftily created, to hide an insecurity, is slowly peeled back or being dissolved.  I am coming face to face with emotions real.  Connected to old embedded thoughts that remind me of the young girl I once knew so well.  The hopeless teenager who felt so down on herself she cried everyday after school.  The young girl who was so self conscious she accepted that boys were attracted to her friends and not her.  As her friends attended parties with said boys, it hurt her to not be invited, yet she never said a word.

These fundamental years shaped me.  They set the tone, my blueprint for what I believe of myself.

Of course ADULT HEIDI understands better these days.  But the reality is that she doesn’t always run the show.  My self worth is in review at the present moment, and Adult Heidi has stepped to the side, holding space for this younger self to be seen.  It ain’t comfortable.  It’s not particularly enjoyable.  But it’s real.  It takes courage to meet yourself with your wounds exposed.  But here I am.  I am here because I want something different for myself.  I don’t want to under value myself anymore.

I want to truly experience the Woman I want to be in the world.  I don’t want to feel an achy heart for something I long for.  I want to vibrate at such a frequency and know I already have love.  I don’t want to feel a sense of unworthiness or shame at the thought of supporting others through their dark moments and personal journey.  I don’t want to feel like my contribution in the world doesn’t matter or isn’t worth a worthy exchange that allows me to enjoy the fruits of life.  I want to feel that I know I HAVE these.  That I don’t feel a lack.  A yearning.  A wanting.  I want to feel the sense of satisfaction that is available from having made a difference.

I know to well the heart ache of our planet and its people right now and I don’t know where to start?  I really don’t. This image conjures – me yelling at others “pick up your trash”, like a teacher on duty during interval at school.

Peoples naivety hurts my heart!  Why can they not see?  Not understand the results of their actions?  Their in-actions?!  Where do I start?  How do I matter AND live an enjoyable life meeting my needs?  From here, where to?

The solution from my mind is not clear.  I don’t think I can pull myself out of, something my mind created.  The false lies.  My false sense of self (worth).  This is not who I am.  It is a tee-taw established during childhood, one I believed.  They are merely thoughts.  The only way through is to face myself.

SELF DIAGNOSED PRESCRIPTION

What can one do with a thought?  One can change it.
What invested interest do I have in believing I am not worthy?  I have NONE!
This false belief does NOT serve ME!
It doesn’t make me happy!
It doesn’t allow me to thrive!
It makes me feel shit.
So, why do I hold onto it?  Because it’s all I’ve known.
Am I ready to let it go?  YES!!
And so, what is its replacement?

I AM LOVED…

facing myself