8 Month Womb of Bali Love

These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection.  It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.

Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation.¬† Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to.¬† I‚Äôm Heidi ‚Äď I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path.¬† This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.

I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.

It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period.¬† Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward.¬† After all, doesn‚Äôt it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life?¬† Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action.¬† Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties.¬† Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe.¬† ‚ÄúIl dolce far niente.‚ÄĚ

I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly.¬† After all, as the saying goes ‚Äúwe get what we need, not what we want.‚ÄĚ

I‚Äôve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life ‚Äď making a living ‚Äď in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali.¬† It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‚Äėin control‚Äô of such simple matters.¬† However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on.¬† I have been gifted a break from the rat race.¬† An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.

Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali.¬† An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective.¬† To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble.¬† A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed.¬† Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, ‚Äúwhat am I doing with my life!‚ÄĚ

Feeling unbiased either way upon my return ‚Äď should I stay, should I go ‚Äď I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed ‚Äď I felt freer.¬† But direction & purpose were still no more clearer.¬† ¬†Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I‚Äôd hoped options would become clear to me.¬† This wasn‚Äôt to be the case.¬† Foggier and foggier I became.¬† I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force.¬† Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear.¬† I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.

That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy.¬† Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished.¬† I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online.¬† I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins.¬† I started watching it out of curiosity.¬† He‚Äôs been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him.¬† However he has a movie set for release shortly titled ‚ÄúI am not your Guru‚ÄĚ, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept.¬† I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.

Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like ‚Äúhow to control your emotions‚ÄĚ thinking, this will be interesting.¬† I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he‚Äôs talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.

I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something.  I get this.  We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message.  I get this also.  What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 ‚Äď Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 ‚Äď Take action preceding the situation.

Watch the mentioned Tony Robbin’s Video here

 

I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed.¬† For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness.¬† So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth.¬† Allowing it to be what is.¬† It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine.¬† Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity ‚Äď having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age?¬† Perhaps making up for lost time, I don‚Äôt know?

This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked ‚Äúwhat do I do next?‚Ä̬† I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration.¬† A clear indication around what action I needed to take.¬† Up until recently, I‚Äôve been getting nadda.¬† This morning what came through was a message – ‚Äúback yourself.‚ÄĚ

What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control.  I am in charge of what I want to create.  I looked at why I am feeling this way.  I got really honest with myself.  I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously.  So what was my resistance?

I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone.  That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be.  I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself.  I was my own boss.  I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!

This memory reminded me that I can do that again!

I needed to internally choose.  I needed to step up, to back myself.  To choose that I want to work for myself.  To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here.  Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards.  I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now.  Now is the time to do.

As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout.  I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them.  I was my own Personal Trainer.  Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.

This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session!  Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good.  In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.

There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being.  We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment.  It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.

womb of bali love

 

to have a baby, or not to have a baby, that is the question…

The other day, upon receiving Mums care parcel, the craziest experience began to unfold.

As if a virtual delivery message was received with this tangible parcel, a communicative message deeper than can be understood began to envelope.

Just after Neil answered the door to the postman, who held with him, our parcel, I began to feel nauseous. ¬†It was as if suddenly I needed to release a HUGE almighty burp from the pit of my belly, but I couldn’t.

We opened the parcel together Рwhich was perfect.  Perfect because Neil is not usually home during the day.  The weather circumstances saw him home, resting.

Mum had told me she had written a letter to us.  An outlet of her thoughts post a very recent conversation we had had.

It was one of those beautiful conversations, that is absolute gold to share with your Mum.  That one magical person who accepts you entirely.  The topic Рchildren.

My whole life, I have never been the kind of girl who has said that she’s wanted kids. ¬†It’s never been on my agenda. Though equally – I have never cancelled it out either. ¬†This conversation was about my age & stage in life, and whether or not I felt like this was really something I wanted. ¬†At the age of 36.5 – one would say my ‘use by’ date is near approaching.

I’d shared my fears, thoughts, my current relationship status, with my Mum. ¬†I put it all out on the table. ¬†And as Mum does, in that Motherly nurturing way, she received my words and shared her wisdom.

And so after this conversation, and an equally beautiful one with another wise woman Mother, I have felt a profound shift of thoughts towards this topic.  So much so, I came to the conclusion that I felt kids were on the cards.  With this magnificient shift, shared my heart & placed these cards on the table for Neil to hold.

As our relationship is currently up for review – everything feels very much in the air. ¬†Are we right for each other? We are so different. ¬†Our interests are so different. ¬†Our ideas are profoundly different… anyway, this journeys onto another story, so for the meantime, back with the original story…

I was feeling nauseous, so after opening Mums gifts; NZ Chocolate, a Kiwi t-shirt for Neil; A hand knitted cushion – sprayed with Mums scent, letter with thoughts about making babies, I needed to lay down.

I was breathing & burping and making a whole lota noise, trying to release what was now present for me in my body. After a good 10 minutes of this, Neil came to the bedroom to check on me. ¬†I told him what was happening & he lay down to support me. ¬†Another few minutes passed and the energy releasing turned into tears. ¬†As usual, I wasn’t sure the reason behind the tears; I just go with it and allow them to flow. ¬†Neil continued to hold me, checking in that I was ok. ¬†They continued harder and deeper with their release. ¬†As this was occurring – what was birthing was a profound sense of energy – this energy – so strong a presence, felt like that of a little being, informing us that he was choosing us to be his parents! ¬†This beautiful profound spirit was making himself known that he would be coming into our lives! ¬†I started communicating this this to Neil, but simply could not hold back the tears! ¬†I continued to cry and cry…

Nearing the end of feeling this magical presence –¬†I felt an amazing sensation – I can only liken to that of being pregnant! ¬†Not that I know – but it felt wildly profound and very real. ¬†I did purchase a pregnancy testing kit to double check – but the result was a negative.

So since then, Friday, I feel like I have opened up to a whole new level of communication with the world outside of what we perceive.

There are continued parts to this story that stray off on different tangents, but this is the one I feel most called to write about for now.

After reading the book, years ago – Winter Moon Rises, by Scott Blum – I always envisioned that if I was to ever have a baby, then I would connect with its soul firstly. ¬†This experience alters the ‘idea’ of having a child as most of us know it. ¬†It is wildly profound and connecting beyond this world than we could know.

This story is not finished yet, in fact it feels like the beginning of something, beyond the realms of simply (complexly) bringing a child into the world.

A Message for you, dear reader…

Ahhhhhh!!!

Sitting down to write feels like reaching the surface after a deep deep dive – for air.

I don’t know what it is right now, but there is something in this that I just have to do.

I have to write Рand share.  Then write some more Рthen share.

And it doesn’t seem to matter what it is, I just need to write, and it doesn’t feel right if I don’t.

There is this deep feeling, deep down within my soul, that will not let up until I listen to it and take action.

And right now, it is to write!

I feel as if I’m gasping for air, the above mentioned air.

And perhaps that water, that dive is symbolic to how I’m feeling right now. ¬†Like I’m only just able to stay a float, gasping these precious breaths of air.

If I don’t keep breathing, I may just sink.

Sink into my depths and get lost in the abyss that is my subconscious Рor ego.  Our friend the ego.

Right now – I feel like my whole life is up for review.

Relationships, Work, Purpose, Location, Thoughts, Movement, Food…

Anything relating to life – that is life – is in review.

As I write these words, I am still continuing to breath very heavily – as if releasing something into the void.

I have no idea if they will be read, but that doesn’t seem to be the point. ¬†The point is that I do what I’m called to do, that which sets my soul at ease.

I feel like I am about to morph into something luminous and awe inspiring – and I so can’t wait, because the world from where I see it, is glazed with old masks and filters that no longer serve me.

Ways of being which are so far outdated they could hold an expiry date of centuries ago.

Maybe this moment has been centuries in the making?!

If we are as old as the mountains, the heavens, all that ever is and ever was – it makes sense that we are shedding layers upon layers of ego ideas and old patterns that are no longer the way.

They are no longer the way of the light, in the new age of light!

Negativity and in-authenticity is on its way out!  In an all mighty hurrah Рand I have front row tickets.

As I write I can feel the eagerness Рbeyond eagerness Рabsolute ecstatic-ness of my soul ready to fly and take flight over the very mountains and valleys that have housed her for centuries.

It is time!

Oh it is time!

Time to drop this shit.

Time to drop the stories.

Drop the bullshit and crap that keeps us small.

Keeps us from shinning out lights oh so bright!

What ever is in your way – shed it – breath it out and LET IT GO dear one!

Now, now, now!

Feel the earth beneath your feet and the wind in your hair oh wise one and surrender to your absolute greatness!

Because there is nothing else!

NO-THING can define and even come close to your being-ness – your YOU-NESS!

You are YOU and there is NO-THING else in the world that stands in comparison.

Feel your light and expand beyond the ages – shine into the darkest corners and pave light on every crevice!

The time is NOW…

Bring presence, wisdom and beauty to your being and share in all your gifts that you have to give.

Because the world needs us now!

 

It sounds like I did have a message to share!  Feeling this writing come through me explains the eagerness and urgency I have been feeling!  The breathing and connection to this inner wisdom was profound Рlike nothing else mattered.  A wonderful reminder for my ego Рas it is currently caught up in the stuff that is in my way.

So this writing appears to be for me & if you are reading this – then this is also for you brave one.

Now is the time!

Now.

What is my life purpose?

Today I answered a bunch of questions for a fellow Amazing Life + Biz Academy Member, for the opportunity to be featured on her blog as part of her Soul-Full Sunday Interviews. ¬†I have just read one of Carries’ blog posts, and it appears we are both Sexual Abuse thrivers. ¬† ¬†I use the description thrive, as Survivor does not feel like a fit for me anymore.

I feel that I now THRIVE, that my story is simply that, something that shaped me into the amazing woman I have become in the world today.  I no longer resonate with that story, however I still wish to share parts of it, as I wish to show other women that there is a way forward from the darkness of your secret.

I share these answers with you, as I shared them with Carrie, as there is a message to be heard.  A message of inspiration.  Showing another way for women who have experienced the pain that abuse can cause.

It is time to rise up into the being that you are here to be in this world.  It is time.

 

How are you following your life path (dharma)?
In each moment I am aware of who I’m choosing to be in the world. I try to make sure that I am present with each & every person I come into contact with. I take personal responsibility for my body & being and trust by doing so, that I teach others that it is possible for them also.
I recently started working at lululemon athletica here in Canada. I love that the girls I’m working with thought that I was 26! I’m¬†actually¬†36 and¬†¬Ĺ! I feel like that’s a pretty awesome testament to me!

Have you always had this calling? If not, was it a sudden/gradual shift?
I believe I have. I fit into that known story of not fitting in at school. My story begun with learning I didn’t have a Dad at the age of 5, then at the age of 8 ‚Äď was sexually abused by my Mums boyfriend. I took on the beliefs that I wasn’t good enough to have a Dad & in the second example ‚Äď shut down my emotions as I didn’t know how to deal with the situation.

It’s only in hindsight I see that I spent my teens & early 20’s ‘running’ from myself. I left my home country of New Zealand at the age of 20, from here life was hard and fast. I partied hard, engaged in recreational drugs, exercised like a mad woman & was determined my body defined how I felt about myself.
I entered a body building competition in 2006 ‚Äď I spent 1 year working towards that goal. After competition & a Vision Quest I completed as part of my Life Coaching studies, my world fell apart.
This intention of my quest was ‘to shine’, I went through a very dark knight of the soul with depression for 2.5 years. This forced me to acknowledge the pain that I’d kept hidden from my childhood that I had been running from.
As I pulled through ‚Äď I learnt that there was so much wonder & beauty in the world. I knew I had a purpose in this life that involved inspiring others to heal from their pain.

What did you have to give up by honoring your path?
I’ve let go of a lot!
Fear, Doubt, Worry, Anxiety, Pain, Lack…
I’d say in aligning to something greater that feels good, I’ve chosen to let go of the things that haven’t supported me feeling good.
This might look like; big nights out, binge drinking, recreational drugs, gossip, TV, reading Newspapers/Magazines, eating processed foods, sugar, non organic meat, obsessive exercise habits…
The physical things I mentioned just fell away as I changed. It wasn’t about letting go of them because I thought I needed to. It’s was about aligning to something greater, about making the CHOICE to FEEL good. To feel GREAT.

What have you learned/gained by remembering your true nature (honoring your path)?
That I am unlimited… I have everything that I could ever need, in this moment & every moment. All I need to do is align to the vibration of what I want, and I will attract what I need, or the steps to move closer towards attracting what I need.

That it is an absolute CHOICE to feel good. It doesn’t just happen, it is something that you need to work at. Chose to eat healthy nutritional food, chose healthy movement habits, choice healthy work & social environments, chose healthy thoughts…

What is one thing you do every week to honor your innermost authentic Self (connection to Source)?
I do a lot of things. I LOVE nature…. I will take time out and visit the local woods and breathe, probably even hug & talk to the trees there.
I will watch the insects and birds & notice how they might invite me in & let each other know that I’m there.

I meditate daily. I give thanks to Great Spirit and acknowledge its existence.

What is one treat you can share with us to bring along on our own path towards freedom?
Oh SO many…. But one.
Um, I would invite you to observe your mind.
Watch your thoughts.
Sit in quiet contemplation, or meditation and observe.
Or, if you don’t feel ready (yet), to start. Journal.
Write. Write. Write.
Write unedited on a blank sheet of paper. Just allow anything that enters your mind to be expressed onto that sheet. Give yourself 20 minutes of pure uninterrupted time to express your minds thoughts.

What is my life purpose?

Oh life you interesting monkey…

Oh life, you are an interesting monkey at times…

Today I share my Vlog about what space I’ve been in, and why it is a necessary part of growth & development…

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

With love, always <3

The mystery of evolution 

During this time, as Mercury goes Retrograde for the next three weeks, I find myself deeply reflective of the past number of weeks. I can’t say how many.

If I’m really honest with myself – they have been somewhat challenging. The context seems irrelevant.

As if I attach to the context, that could be the very thing supporting me to feel challenged. Whereas if I surrender, I float in a bubble of purity & openness.

An old friend wrote to me this week, and what she wrote really landed.

“Yes I understand what you mean regarding the situation with your business. I wonder if it is a reset in some way due to the re-emergence of the feminine, inviting us as women to sit, to hold and allow creativity to emerge…….. rather than being born of action and goal setting……so masculine, so controling, where is the trust in that?”

These were her exact written words.

Wow!

It’s SO profoundly true!

As women – we are still so masculine. Seeking to provide for our families, go to work, run a business, set goals, change the world. I don’t think there is anything wrong with this. But my friends words have me pondering.

Perhaps this paradigm shift is still VERY different from the ideas and that we/I are still driving.

Perhaps this reflective time for me is about completely rewriting my concept of life. Another opportunity to blow ideas from my mind, paving way for new inspired ways.

It’s not an easy ride I tell you.

To surrender it all takes courage. And damn right I am one helava courageous soul.

I release what I think I know, to arrive into the vast expanse of the unknown.

From here, well… That is a mystery.

What to do when life as you know it changes…

One of my biggest challenges in life so far is one of surrender.

Surrendering to what is, as opposed to what I want to be.

A lot of the time it is relatively easy. ¬†Surrendering to a rest when I wanted to exercise. ¬†Surrendering to not getting all the housework done when there are other to do’s to do. ¬†Surrendering to not going out with friends when I need to catch up with myself.

These are all lessons in there own regard, but one’s I’ve been able to go with the flow with.

But what if the lessons are a little larger to let go of, what if it is something that you can feel grips you until your breaking point?

Currently it feels as though my experience of life changes daily.  What I thought I previously understood, changes in an instant!

Thoughts I’ve had about how to do something, or how I think something will unfold, can change as quickly as a thought.

And in that statement it says it all really.

Because everything that we believe is only a mere thought that can be changed in an instant.

And so to be in the experience of, is really all there is.

So how can one be attached to thoughts in life when they are mere fictions in our mind?

It is the conditioning of the mind, and the lessons of a lifetime to undo the conditioning of what we have learnt.

I find myself in observation of being attached to particular thoughts, only to discover that these are untrue.

My most recent one is recognizing how my Ego wants recognition.

Having commenced a ‘new’ job, one where I felt like I knew the basics of really well, I found it quite a challenge to be treated as a newbie and have to under go the training of it all over again.

I found that internally I was saying quite often “I know this, or I know that”.

It made me feel less than, to think that these people thought I knew nothing all over again.
(This wasn’t truth, merely¬†my own projection of how I feel about myself).

And so my ego felt somewhat wounded, wounded through lack of recognition.

And in this, I realize how much I seek recognition.  Recognition that I somehow know enough, and not just within the confines of my job, but in life.

I want people to recognize that I know what I know.  To believe that I am as amazing as I believe myself to be.

I am aware of how I wish more than anything, for people to see me and be in awe of.

Which when I really ask myself, is not how I want to live my life.  Being awed.  I want everyone to recognize their own awe within.  The Guru within.

This feels like one small puzzle piece in the recent jumbo puzzle that is unfolding. ¬†The one where I pulled my energies back into place, and saw that I no longer needed to ‘fit in’ to be accepted. ¬†That it is actually ok, to simply be me. ¬†And in aligning with simply being me, I am learning new lessons around this.

That now, people might not resonate with me, because I am me. ¬†And that that’s not my fault, or problem. ¬†I don’t need to change who I am in order to make them more comfortable or like me.

I have often kept myself in a safe space of creating an illusion of being on a pedestal. ¬†Not that I think that I’m any better than anyone else, but it has been a mechanism that has kept me safe. ¬†If I am ok, and somewhat understanding of those around me, then I cannot be vulnerable. ¬†Which again is another untruth. ¬†Because I am surrendering more and more to being vulnerable. ¬†If I am not open to being vulnerable, then how can I invite others to be?! ¬†However this is also something than continues to unfold.

Breaking down the confines of who you think you are, to move towards who you innately are, is one courageous feat, and I feel like it is something that does not end. ¬†Perhaps in stages within our lives we are confronted with greater shifts that need to happen, as opposed to the more subtle one’s that happen almost unknowingly like shedding dry skin in winter.

At times we are called to pull deep within our being in order to acknowledge our inner call, initially we might not like what we see, and might be in fear of what hides beneath, this is why it takes courage.  Courage that cannot be found on Facebook or our Instagram feed.  We all have the resources that will see us through this journey, but will we take it?  We hear about it through our stories and our social media, but to personally undertake it, is such a different story.  It is our own.

It may take us away from what we understand in life to be real, it may take us away from the people in our lives we thought would be there rain, hail or shine. ¬†It may feel lonely & isolating at times, and that no one is the world could understand what we’re experiencing.

The truth will set you free.  And you will be & you are.

Free from the confines of your mind that has kept you trapped from a life that was created to keep you safe.

Safe from what? ¬†Well, I’ll let you explore that, and it will all become clear when you take your first steps towards your truth.

Why is my life so hard?Be Your Own Guru – NO ONE CAN BE THAT FOR YOU!

 

If you are experiencing steps towards becoming your own Guru, and are in need of guidance, I offer Be Your Own Guru Coaching.  Reach me at me@heidifirth.com

If you follow this one step, you’ll have motivation to exercise for LIFE

I don’t like to tell you, the reader, how to live your life.finding motivation to train

Do this, or do that, and you will get xyz.

There are enough ‘GURUs’ and blog sites out there, that will tell you your ‘5 Steps to your dream life’ or ’10 steps to a healthier you’.

Your task, if you choose to accept, is to find your own personal key, so that you can connect to your internal life manual and;

PERSONALLY ANSWER EVERY QUESTION YOU HAVE EVER ASKED!

Back in the day, I operated my life – pretty disconnected from my body, which is kinda funny considering I was worked as a Personal Trainer.

I was head down, bum up, and heading full speed in which ever direction I was facing.

I got shit done, but there was not a lot of balance within the rest of my life.

I thought I was in control, but turns out, I controlled my external life, as a means to feel in control, of an internal world that I was totally out of control with.

My thoughts about myself and food were my main two culprits.
– How I felt about myself.
– How I felt about myself when I ate.

As these thoughts were always forefront, there was often not much room for anything else.

These thoughts drove¬†my life. ¬†How I felt about myself, dictated the amount of exercise I’d do. ¬†How I’d eat, dictated how I felt about myself, and how I controlled or binged. ¬†If I binged, then I had to balance that activity out with more exercise, and so, I was trapped in this cycle that was relentless.

At the time, I thought this was completely normal. ¬†I fit into the Personal Trainer mold, who cared overtly about what she ate, and how she exercised. ¬†I even competed in a Womens Body Building Competition which was the perfect hideout for all of my inner demons to work their magic. ¬†I found preparing for the competition easy in a sense, as I operated from my mind and my behaviors, I wasn’t at all connected to how I actually felt about things.

The relentless exercising and strict eating = I didn’t feel it.
Who I was being in relation to my partner = no idea.
When I injured my shoulder = barely skipped a beat.

Though I’ve noticed this way of being, this type of behavior, has come to be modus operandom or ‘normal’ for a great many people today.

Whether it is a body building competition, or copying the habits of your latest Instagram fitness Guru/s, we live in a world where we have become SO focused on our external environments as a means to making us feel good!

But underneath it all.  The thoughts, food & rigorous exercising, what is really going on?

Often at the core, there is a the lonely, sad, deep need of ours for love and acknowledgement.

It might look different, or slightly similar per individual.

This is the part that drives us.  That drives our need to eat a certain way, to follow a particular exercise trend.

We believe that if we look a certain way, then we’ll be accepted, and we will be loved. ¬†Well, this was my story – the one that was my pilot to my vehicle.

This pilot (inner self), within our vehicle, (body), is what is driving our habits and ways of living.

What we want in life, is dictated by this inner self.

After my competition, I had worked SO hard towards that goal, that slowly as the weeks unfolded, I lost focus.  Of course I was still attentive to my physic, however I no longer had that finish line to strive for.

I slowly kept up with my training, but something deep within me was stirring.

It sat deep within my belly, I put it down to the amount of bread & junk food I was now giving myself permission to consume post competition.  I continued on with my workouts and 80:20 strict eating

A heaviness was growing within me.

Back then I was oblivious to my inner world, and so the ‘strength’ I knew, was to keep pushing through.

I pushed with my workouts.  I pushed with my work.  I pushed with current clients.  I pushed hard in every area of my life.

One by one, my clients began to let go of my services.

My income started to dwindle.

No matter how I tried to conjure up more sessions, it seemed nothing was working for me.

My business partner called a meeting to invite my separation from co-ownership, as she was witnessing my struggle.

I was putting on weight from my increased binges & lack of drive to balance it with intense exercise.

My motivation started waning.

My external world was crumbing and falling apart as I knew it.

And I too was falling apart on the inside, like the World Trade Centre.

I had no idea what was happening to me.

My self esteem was deflating.

I was lost and suffering.

It was somewhere around here, that I begun to regularly meditate.

I had meditated previously, but didn’t have what you would call a regular practice.

Step by step, I began to connect in with my inner world.  My inner self.  My pilot.

She was like a long lost part of me that I had cast aside in a cupboard and thrown away the key.

One can imagine how someone who had been in a cupboard may feel.

She had created the breaking down of my external environment to get my attention to come within to myself.

I now needed to build my relationship with her, and re-create a life that included her in it, not separate to.

My¬†story continues on and on from here…

 

“A life lived in disconnection from our inner selves, is one that does not include our whole essence. ¬†Is one that misses a deep resonance with life & its meaning. ¬†To live and not feel our darkest lows and our highest highs escapes the wonder and magnificence that is being human. Being out of alignment with our inner world, skips wonderous magic that curves the tapestry of our lives… A life without moments of being, is not a life lived at all. ¬†To miss the magic that is our essence, and arrive at the end, is a very very unfortunate realization to wake up too.

I invite the wonder in you, to rise up and challenge the wonder in all of humanity. ¬†Give space to your truth, dive deep, and hold still the rich vastness that is you. ¬†Breathe in your magic and unlock the gates of mystery. ¬†Peace & Love are within us all. ¬†The time is now to rise and uprise”.

 

There are literally THOUSANDS of Meditations on the internet at this wonderful time in our lives. ¬†Why not head over to YouTube and search for one you like. ¬†As a suggestion, try an Inner Child meditation, to support in your connection with him or her. ¬†¬†Here’s a few by one of my favorites, Louise Hay to get you started.

Should you need support in working with your connection to your Inner Child, and anything that arises, please feel free to reach out to me.
I am currently available for One on One sessions.

Heidi
Phone: +1 778-679-6727
Skype: heidi.firth

Your ego doesn’t want you to know this about yourself

Here is me,

Sharing with you my voice,

Todays reflections post magical coaching session this morning.

You know you are unlimited!

It is timeless within you.

It is the inner calling that pulls you forward.

Rise with it & shine like the light you were born to be!

I nearly died. No really, I did!!!

I just read some sad news on Facebook this evening, where it triggered a recent experience I feel I need to write about again.

When we loose someone dear to us in life, it can bring up a stack of questions that often we don’t know how to¬†answer.

learning from near death experiences

Why?
What for?
What are we here for?
What’s it all about?

The topic of Death can be an uncomfortable one, especially if it’s not something we have chosen to explore at this point.

When I was a little kid, I remember Mum explaining the basic physicality of Death.

You die, you get buried in a coffin in the ground, that’s it.

For many many nights after that, I’d go to bed, and try to wrap my head around the thought of, you die & that it is. ¬†That is it!

I just couldn’t fathom that thought! ¬†It made absolutely no sense to me! ¬†How could we be here, for one life and then POOF, we’re gone, that’s it?!

I guess this is where my quest for the truth began, at this young age.

I believe that we intuitively know what we are here for, but it’s whether or not we’re tuned into that inner knowing, and trusting its truth, that determines our faith in life.

I feel that I have known this truth since my personal development journey began around 10 years ago, so I guess this is what prepared me for the experience I had a few weeks ago.

They say that until you’ve faced what it means to die, can you really get comfortable with living.

How many are so afraid of dying?
Have you pondered your death?
Do you know how you want to die?
Who will be around you?
What legacy do you plan on leaving behind?
Will you need support in your transition?
Will you be at home, a hospital, a nursing home?

Are these questions super confronting, or can you answer them with ease?

For now, what I have been reflecting on over the last few weeks is my own confrontation with my mortality.

I have been somewhat reluctant to write about this, as it has the potential for grand discussion & question – I guess this topic is unavoidable of that, but one that something we all will face one day.

The main message I want to share, is that Death is not something to be feared at all.

How can I say that with such self assertiveness?

I experienced it, just a few weeks ago.

I felt my moment arive and it felt so perfect.

It was MY moment.

Where everything in my life had majestically orchestrated to the arrival of MY moment, it was time to leave my body.

I saw life, and I understood her completely.

It was blissful.  Magical.  Beyond words.

I was one with EVERYTHING, and life was but a school of adventures, and lessons that I had been sent to to learn.

I felt energy leave my body, as I surrendered to my life and leaving it.  I was ready to go, I was experiencing my last breath, about to cross the threshold.

There was no sadness, only perfection as it was all part of the divine plan.

But, life slowly returned to my lifeless body, as my soul was connected to Neil’s and it wasn’t ready to leave his behind. ¬†Bless his soul.

Our souls spoke softly, peacefully, energetically in the language of love, the soul language.

It was an experience that I will never forget.

And as it happened, it continues to unfold it’s lessons on me.

The gift of life that we have been blessed with to experience as energetic beings!

As energetic beings, in our pure state unbound by physicality, all we know is LOVE.

And so to experience ourselves fully, we are blessed to have this human experience to learn of our complexities and diverseness, the polarities of every spectrum.

WE ARE MIRACLES!

Or as Nahko sings;
“If you knew what for you were for, and how you became so informed, bodies of info performing such miracles, I am a miracle made up of particles. And in this existence. I’ll stay persistent, and I’ll make a difference, and I will have lived it.”

And so the point I wish to make is;
Remember who you are!
Remember why you are here!
Embrace your LIFE.
Grab it wholeheartedly with every ounce of your being!
Be it with great sadness!
Be it with with great joy!
Choose to experience it full and with your heart wide open, because a life half lived, is not a life lived at all.
Do not die with the joy still in you.
Let it flow NOW!

There are so many angles to this story that I could share, and yet, I’m not sure I can find all the words in this moment to do so. ¬†I think it will be a constant unfolding of insights for me. ¬†Maybe later blogs to share?

I wish for you, that when your moment arrives, that you know you have lived with every ounce of your being, that the moment feels perfect, and you know you have made a difference to your soul and the lives of those around you.

Chose to be here now.  Absolutely, and fully Рbecause we are the miracle of life.

 

(Whilst it’s kinda selfish for me to¬†assume you to automatically learn my words and make them your mantra,¬†what I really wish for more so than ever, is to invoke curiosity in you. ¬†Explore, enquire & self reflect on your life & purpose. ¬†You will find your own resources and guidance that will lead you to your own answers.)