Grief Friend you are Welcome

Have you noticed how grief can be a trickster at times?

Disguised in one form, dressed as another.

Like an unannounced house¬†guest, he knocks at the door, packed bags in hand, you answer in your underwear, the house a mess, you’re unprepared. ¬†“Hello friend, I am Grief.”

He has come to visit. ¬†To turn him¬†away would be unheard of, perhaps a crime.¬† He never quite says what he needs, why he’s here, or how long he’ll stay for. ¬†But you welcome him in, albeit reluctantly.¬† You both take a seat on the couch and he starts the conversation.

‚ÄúHow are you friend?‚ÄĚ

You give your surface level reply. ¬†“I’m good, I’m busy with work, friends, social situations, family. ¬†I’m grateful for everything & everything is fine.”

He responds, ‚ÄúIs that right?¬† Tell me about how you‚Äôve been feeling during your evenings alone?‚ÄĚ

Something clicks inside.¬† You know exactly the feeling he is referring to.¬† You’ve been binging on chocolate & Netflix each night, in an avoidance of feeling this now named feeling.

‚ÄúTell me about THAT feeling he says, compassionately, lovingly.‚ÄĚ

You sit for a moment.¬† For maybe the first time, tuning into that discomfort that resides in your body.¬† Uggghhh ‚Äď there it is.¬† That heavy weight sitting, waiting…¬† Your breathing drops…¬† Your heart rate present ‚Äď now seemingly louder…¬† You feel the energy expand outwards from this rock like weight.¬† Tears are forming behind your eyes, it’s coming…

You can‚Äôt hold back, nor would you want to.¬† You‚Äôve wanted to acknowledge this, to feel this pain, you‚Äôve just secretly been afraid.¬† The heavens pour down and you‚Äôre running with it. ¬†Tears are¬†falling down¬†your face just like melting ice in your hot hand on a Summers day… your stomach contracts & heaves, as does your whole body in unison.¬† Your mind is blank in this moment, you have found relief.¬† In complete surrender to your bodies natural seasonal change – this emotional state.

Grief sits there quietly, very still.  Just looking upon you gently, lovingly.  A companion who has your back.  You continue to cry, beginning to wonder if there will be an end to this heaviness?

 

Time has passed some.  You’ve witnessed new insights drop into your mind, ah ha’s of what has been held so contained.

Memories from your past floating up from your subconscious.  Making their transition from one realm, to the next.  You can see more clearly, what was hiding.

What you were so frightened of.  It is not so frightening anymore.  Only here.  Present.  Accepted.  Free.  No stories. It is free.  You are free.  You are releasing the old.  The old that has driven you to hide from yourself.  Your truth.

Grief sits.

Placing his hands on your heavy heart.  You feel the ache.  The physical ache that now resides where before, pain sat.

You feel different.  Tired.  Numb.  Sad.  Heavy.

The couch feels good.  Comfortable.

The convulsions have subsided, the tears are now dry.

Your head feels expanded, kinda headachy, like it has just been squashed, but blast open.

Your mind blank.

Sitting… ¬†Starring… ¬†Quiet… ¬†Peace…

Breathing now slow & consistent.  You look at grief, he holds your gaze in return.

‚ÄúHow are you friend?‚Ä̬† he asks.

You return his gaze and answer, ‚ÄúHow are YOU friend?‚ÄĚ

Grief has been heard.  He has been seen.  He sighs in his recognition.

Together you become one.

grief

Bali Visa Musings – having no agenda for change

While sitting in the Immigration Office in Bali, I was contemplating how much change my life has undergone, is such a short space of time.  Living within a Silent Retreat has brought me back to simplicity & the heart of what really matters in life.

I now see the many many distractions we create in life to avoid the very things that matter most to us.

For me, there is now no where to run, no where to hide, but face the pressing iceberg that lays in front.

My creativity & mark in the world is forefront.

I witness the talk, the wanting to make a better world, to impact people near & far.

I have had to learn to be humbled in its process, to loose my agenda for what I want.

I have had to let go & surrender to hard untruths in a bid to dissolve them.

I’ve had to fall into a puddle in the floor to come back stronger & continue step by step, again without agenda, but to dance in enjoyment of that moment, because this is all there is. An agenda is an idea, attached to ego.

When the ego fails, we feel we have failed & so a death cycles begins.

Not to avoid death cycles, but to really live in flow as nature intended is the truth. The only truth.

Having all rugs pulled from underneath, all safety harnesses removed, no life raft near is the only way. A singular leaf blowing in the wind, landing where it will, when it will, is, natures way.

And so, I am but another leaf, a piece of Earth, a part of Earth, aiming not to try to be anywhere but here.

It is an interesting way to live.

Trusting in life to provide in each & every moment. As this is only where life is. Not tomorrow, not yesterday.

Each moment I choose what tasks fulfill me, what nurtures me & what supports all. It is only within this balance of viewing all that I can be available to think far & wide, beyond my ‘I’ in the world.

Talking about doing things is no longer an option. We have a responsibility to uphold. Sitting behind Facebook sharing painful truths is not going to be the change. It is one step to awakening the masses perhaps, but it is only being in action that will make the change.

Today I propose to play a part in the reduction of reducing plastic usage in Bali. To help educate the Balinese people that their plastic rubbish contributes towards ocean pollution & sea life death.

This is an agenda yes. But in voicing it, I can let it go, and carry on taking action steps. Little by little, in a bid to align to the Earths intention for balance & harmony.

These words as I sit in at the Immigration Office in Bali.

no agenda for change, living in bali

My experience with Landmark & why I’ve come home to NZ

So I’m in New Zealand after a whirlwind of events sees me here.

About a week ago, I returned home to Victoria BC, after spending a weekend in Vancouver attending a 5 day course in the name in The Landmark Forum.

To my knowledge, millions of people around the world have participated in this course, so you may have even heard of it?

Working for lululemon athletica, it is something that every employee gains the opportunity to attend as it is seen as something of value for one’s personal development. Chip Wilson, founder of lululemon took away grand insights into the way he was as a person, which then affected how he ran his company. Since then, lululemon employees across the globe get to experience this course after having worked for the company for 8 months.

Lets cut to the chase. I was pretty curious about what this was going to offer me. After having completed 2 intensive diplomas ‚Äď each 2-4 years in duration to complete, one in Transformational Life Coaching & the other in Energy Healing ‚Äď I knew I couldn’t and didn’t know it all, but was naturally curious – what would this course offer me?

Landmark breaks life down into a really simple structure, which make you reflect on yourself. It invites you to look at all the stories you’ve created, which have made up your life, and ask yourself ‚Äúwhat is really real here‚ÄĚ?

I got this part. I’ve been self reflecting for a good 10 years now, and know myself pretty thoroughly. But this method that they were teaching, was just so bang on, that one had to ask, well, what really IS real?

I have come to know that I am Heidi. Maybe not from this planet, maybe from some other light galaxy, incarnated into a human form in this lifetime to support people waking up to who they are. I appear light, bright, happy & personable. My purpose in life is to show others that they are their own gurus, their own healers so to speak. I knew that heading into this course.

Coming out of it on Tuesday night. I was absolutely that light being. Feeling like I could inspire change with a single conversation. Feeling like I was a world changer. Which isn’t a terrible thing, however that power can contain ego if one is not to careful. Posting on social media¬†like a show off, running around your day like a mad fool, touching and inspiring all who subconsciously call for your help.

I returned to work on Wednesday, and was floating like a newly awakened being. ¬†I initiated very real conversations everywhere I stepped. A guest would comment on her weight, and I wouldn’t hesitate to get into the nitty gritty of what was happening and have her share what was in her way. You begin to notice how random strangers will drop the tinniest of hints which are a cry for help. They may not be aware of it, but to the listening ears, you hear every word & tone.

I had a short shift that day where I felt like I was on fire. ¬†Chatting to colleagues and guests, left right and centre. Stirring up change everywhere I went & with every conversation. I respected those who didn’t engage in conversation, and those that did – held the conversation as long as invited by them. ¬†It all felt very free flowing and intuitive. ¬†My lunch break rolled around and I suddenly wasn’t feeling well. I actually felt like I was going to die. Intense I know! So I called Neil and asked him to pick me up as this was how I was feeling.
> I won’t elaborate on this story & feeling of dying just yet. It leads into another existential story, ‚Äď I’ll share it another time, or save this for myself.

Fast forward to the next few days. What goes up, must come down. There is a balance to life, a polarity to everything. Hot/Cold, Light/Dark, Happy/Sad ‚Äď you get it…

With such an inspired high, there had to be the equivalent low. What I unknowingly had tapped into were memories from my past. My early childhood past. Now these are not horrible by any means. But lets just remind ourselves here, how does a child react when they are upset? What if he/she doesn’t get their own way? They throw a tantrum right? They express their anguish fully without hesitation! Lets just leave that example a seed of what was to come.

About 2-3 days of exploding like a child. Anger, Fear, Frustration, Sadness, Grief… No ego restrictions on releasing the ‘pain’ of my childhood. I didn’t know what was happening, and neither did my dear partner Neil.

He had come to his wits end with my behavior, and didn’t know what to do with me. He was scared & frightened – and understandingly so. ¬†He’d spoken to his friends and they advised him to simply take me to the nearest hospital ‚Äď get me dosed up on medication.

Neil knew I wouldn’t want that, so swallowed his pride (I imagine?) and called my Mum at home in NZ. Fast forward this part of the story, and here I am, with Neil & Mum, in Te Awamutu, New Zealand.

They have both been super worried about me, and want to know tangible results about why I acted out of character, so yesterday took me to a local Dr who listened to this story. He sent me for blood tests, in which the results should come through tomorrow some time.

There are so many other parts to this story which I will share in time, if the time is right.

Parts where I could hear various people, living & passed over, speaking through Neil to me. Lucid dream states where I saw various Spirit Animals show up to support the release of our pain. Even in awake states, various animals showed up to help us move through stuff. Animals such as Squirrels, Raccoons, Ravens, Dogs, a marvelous spider who weaved his magical web to protect our home, and even a Cougar making itself seen throughout Victoria that weekend.

I thought I was a shaman, moving various rocks and such around my home, orchestrating a change in the world, and a healing of the planet. I chanted, sang, drummed and played my Spirit Flute as needed, and heard the neighbors drum & tap in support of something they’d long wished for. I dreamt that I was one of 4 shamans overseen by one head shaman who would eventually invite us to his home in California to discuss these dreams & experiences, and go through an initiation process.

It has been a wild ride, and that description doesn’t even cut it.

The human brain is wild and mysterious, and after this experience, I really don’t think it should be pushed the way that it was at Landmark. I am speaking for myself exclusively. I cannot speak for others.

My takeaway from this, is DO NOT hurry your personal development! Be gentle, be compassionate, be nurturing, be LOVING. LOVE yourself as you would love another, how you would want to be loved in the world. Be that & that is all that you need to be. LOVE.

As a side note here; if you are experiencing any challenges based on dealing with your past, please reach out to me for support.  I understand how confusing it can be & how those around you may not understand.  I am available via Skype & Email at this stage.  heidi.firth | heidi.firth11@gmail.com

My experience at The Landmark Forum

What I did after my partners Mother died

I am drawn to write about an interesting topic, I can’t say I’ve seen to much written on.

How do you deal/cope/work with, your partner, when he or she is dealing with the loss of a parent, or loved one?

This is coming up for me in my life right now, and I have reached a conclusion that I’m comfortable with, but thought it might be interesting to start a conversation.

My partner has been dealing with the loss of his Mother.

She passed away so suddenly, 65 years young, on 25 August 2014, not to long before I moved to Canada.

He has been the sole Executor of her Estate.  Dealing with everything from the sale of her house, sale of her car, all of her finances, every single belonging in her home Рincluding all photo albums, even down to his old baby clothing and toys.  Everything.

It has only really been 2-3 weeks since we returned from Ontario, packing up all her possessions and shipping them back here to British Columbia.  That is 7 months that he has been responsible for ALL of the above duties.  7 Months!  Where is his time to grieve within that?

He has dealt with a niggly cough and a runny nose here and there, but really…

What does grief look like? ¬†Does it have a structure, and shape? ¬†I’m pretty positive it doesn’t.

Then it is only understandable his recent behavior and who he is choosing to be right now.

The past few weekends he has had fairly huge nights out with the boys, ending with a night on the couch, either here or at a friends.  There have been long working days, facebook & internet trawling during non business hours, the odd snappy comment, all disbursed amoungst the odd moment of being.  When these are out of reach, he is snoring wherever his head lays.

Perhaps this is grief for him?

Now, I’ve been going through my process of judging this. ¬†Initially thinking “come on! deal with your emotions!”

Just like with my clients, I cannot have an agenda for how he chooses to deal with his.  But internally, I have had.

What comes up for me, is I miss all the beautiful interactions that I share with him, when he is present and free from his pain. ¬†Loving intimacy, fun & laughter, joy & playfulness. ¬†It can be easy for me to point the finger and judge him thinking;¬†this, that, or the other isn’t happening, point my finger at him to deal with his¬†stuff!

But this is a relationship, sometimes there will be challenging ebb & flow between joy, sadness, laughter and discomfort.

As he disappears into his world of distraction, perhaps this is an invitation for me to lean into my power and strength and support him. Loosing my agenda to what I wish for, and simply being in the moment of discomfort with him.  I have been doing this on occasion, and notice it does require strength and grande self care.  I often need to excuse myself for walks, meditation or time out when I need Рthis has been SO important.

I am acknowledging this more as I write.  This is not the work that returns a pat on the back, or large shinny accolade.  It is truly life and who we choose to be for each other through its various stages.

After my years of self development work, learning to love myself and take care of myself, I am only too aware how selfish this has made me. Being selfish is not a bad thing, though when it stops us from loving and caring for those around us, then we need to re-establish new patterns for being.  I think this is my current lesson.

One day the tables may turn, and I might find myself in his position, with him feeling the same way I am right now.

Life and it’s magical Ebb & Flows.

dealing-with-grief
Neil, Andrew & their Mom

 

 

How have you dealt with emotional challenges within your close relationships? ¬†I’d LOVE to hear your experiences.

Please leave a comment below to share a discussion xx

I nearly died. No really, I did!!!

I just read some sad news on Facebook this evening, where it triggered a recent experience I feel I need to write about again.

When we loose someone dear to us in life, it can bring up a stack of questions that often we don’t know how to¬†answer.

learning from near death experiences

Why?
What for?
What are we here for?
What’s it all about?

The topic of Death can be an uncomfortable one, especially if it’s not something we have chosen to explore at this point.

When I was a little kid, I remember Mum explaining the basic physicality of Death.

You die, you get buried in a coffin in the ground, that’s it.

For many many nights after that, I’d go to bed, and try to wrap my head around the thought of, you die & that it is. ¬†That is it!

I just couldn’t fathom that thought! ¬†It made absolutely no sense to me! ¬†How could we be here, for one life and then POOF, we’re gone, that’s it?!

I guess this is where my quest for the truth began, at this young age.

I believe that we intuitively know what we are here for, but it’s whether or not we’re tuned into that inner knowing, and trusting its truth, that determines our faith in life.

I feel that I have known this truth since my personal development journey began around 10 years ago, so I guess this is what prepared me for the experience I had a few weeks ago.

They say that until you’ve faced what it means to die, can you really get comfortable with living.

How many are so afraid of dying?
Have you pondered your death?
Do you know how you want to die?
Who will be around you?
What legacy do you plan on leaving behind?
Will you need support in your transition?
Will you be at home, a hospital, a nursing home?

Are these questions super confronting, or can you answer them with ease?

For now, what I have been reflecting on over the last few weeks is my own confrontation with my mortality.

I have been somewhat reluctant to write about this, as it has the potential for grand discussion & question – I guess this topic is unavoidable of that, but one that something we all will face one day.

The main message I want to share, is that Death is not something to be feared at all.

How can I say that with such self assertiveness?

I experienced it, just a few weeks ago.

I felt my moment arive and it felt so perfect.

It was MY moment.

Where everything in my life had majestically orchestrated to the arrival of MY moment, it was time to leave my body.

I saw life, and I understood her completely.

It was blissful.  Magical.  Beyond words.

I was one with EVERYTHING, and life was but a school of adventures, and lessons that I had been sent to to learn.

I felt energy leave my body, as I surrendered to my life and leaving it.  I was ready to go, I was experiencing my last breath, about to cross the threshold.

There was no sadness, only perfection as it was all part of the divine plan.

But, life slowly returned to my lifeless body, as my soul was connected to Neil’s and it wasn’t ready to leave his behind. ¬†Bless his soul.

Our souls spoke softly, peacefully, energetically in the language of love, the soul language.

It was an experience that I will never forget.

And as it happened, it continues to unfold it’s lessons on me.

The gift of life that we have been blessed with to experience as energetic beings!

As energetic beings, in our pure state unbound by physicality, all we know is LOVE.

And so to experience ourselves fully, we are blessed to have this human experience to learn of our complexities and diverseness, the polarities of every spectrum.

WE ARE MIRACLES!

Or as Nahko sings;
“If you knew what for you were for, and how you became so informed, bodies of info performing such miracles, I am a miracle made up of particles. And in this existence. I’ll stay persistent, and I’ll make a difference, and I will have lived it.”

And so the point I wish to make is;
Remember who you are!
Remember why you are here!
Embrace your LIFE.
Grab it wholeheartedly with every ounce of your being!
Be it with great sadness!
Be it with with great joy!
Choose to experience it full and with your heart wide open, because a life half lived, is not a life lived at all.
Do not die with the joy still in you.
Let it flow NOW!

There are so many angles to this story that I could share, and yet, I’m not sure I can find all the words in this moment to do so. ¬†I think it will be a constant unfolding of insights for me. ¬†Maybe later blogs to share?

I wish for you, that when your moment arrives, that you know you have lived with every ounce of your being, that the moment feels perfect, and you know you have made a difference to your soul and the lives of those around you.

Chose to be here now.  Absolutely, and fully Рbecause we are the miracle of life.

 

(Whilst it’s kinda selfish for me to¬†assume you to automatically learn my words and make them your mantra,¬†what I really wish for more so than ever, is to invoke curiosity in you. ¬†Explore, enquire & self reflect on your life & purpose. ¬†You will find your own resources and guidance that will lead you to your own answers.)