2017 & finding my words again

2017 is here, 2016 fades, and I’m learning to find my words again.

For me, 2016 still lingers, like a bad smell that won’t quit. ¬†A reminder of the epic lessons thrown at me. ¬†The relentless pummeling, like being dumped in a massive surf break that appears as endless as an Australian Summer.

Last year was a massive year of endings, lessons, transformations, challenges & every other color in between that.  I was forced to let go of anything and everything I knew to be true, AND, any form of external safety or security I had created.

I found myself living in Bali for the full duration, with a brief trip to Australia for a visa run.  Other than that, it was life in a Silent Retreat for 8.5 months, followed by life in Ubud, Bali.

In hindsight now, I can see that I simply needed to make the decision to be here, rather than leave decisions to the wind and magically hope that Bali would simply provide everything I could need. ¬†But hindsights are always that aren’t they, seeing life clearly once you’ve been on the rollercoaster ride of life adventure.

It was scary being here. ¬†Scary in the not knowing, it still is. ¬†Of surrendering to the fact that we are not control. ¬†I struggle with this dance. ¬†Of choosing a direction and trusting that I will be supported in it. ¬†I think I am still holding the scars from the last time I trusted this process. ¬†Leaving Australia for Canada, and then leaving Canada for New Zealand. ¬†I’m smart ya know – I do understand that life is about experiences – adventure. ¬†Successes and Failures. ¬†But today I acknowledge *yet again* the pain of hurt in my heart from something that ended so abruptly.

So I struggle to choose something and trust.  Hence the non choosing of my life here in Bali.  To just wander and drift and hope that life would show up for me.  And it has, I have constantly been provided for.  Amazing friends & family who have provided accommodation, food & listening loving ears whenever I have needed.

But this way of living has invited a sense of hopelessness, a mistrust within myself that I didn’t hold the power to make anything happen, that I was at the complete mercy of life to carry me where I needed to go. ¬†Even today I still feel like this. ¬†Just having finished a conversation with a new friend in a coffee shop, I still feel powerless to life.

I know no one knows where they are going, but I for one feel like I’m leading the party on the mission to no where. ¬†Sometimes I feel like I have it right, and everyone else has it wrong. ¬†Because we aren’t going anywhere, we are only here. Right here, right now. ¬†In fact to think we are going anywhere else but here is laughable!

“Want to make god laugh? ¬†Tell him your plans.”

But my lesson of the year, is one of trust & co-creation. ¬†Of working with the law of attraction to make the desirable occur. ¬†I want a home. ¬†I have to choose a home. Sounds basic right? ¬†Yes. ¬†But I’ve lacked the fundamental self belief that I am worthy of anything, so therefore chose to not choose anything. ¬†And because I chose nothing, then nothing showed up, despite me wanting stuff. ¬†I was in-congruent with my core belief – “I’m not worthy.” ¬†So keep attracting more of not being worthy. ¬†Ouch!

I’m on the final straight of this doozy of a lesson. ¬†I am SO done with believing I am not enough, it serves NO ONE!

Yes – I have chosen that I want a home & am actively searching. ¬†It is taking it’s sweet time for sure, but¬†I’m putting it down to the right one making it’s way to me. ¬†I am receiving messages that this lesson is near completion, that I have done the work, and that now it’s about letting go and allowing the final completion to occur with gratitude for all it’s wonder and juiciness.

I gave thanks to my dear Sista – Samaya last night, she has opened up her home to me & has made me feel nothing but welcome. ¬†I said to her, if this is the final hurrah of this lesson, I’ve been given such a wonderful opportunity by sharing such quality time with her.

Forgive my writing, but I’m still finding my writing pants – I think I have lost them from the constant bed hopping that I’ve been participating in. ¬†Writing feels like I am swimming in an alphabet stew and cannot connect the correct letters, let alone words, to put together. ¬†I used to find writing & blogging so easy – but currently it’s like trying to swim to the surface after being pummeled by those said waves in the beginning.

2017 finding my words again

This is an Osho card reading I gave myself last night.  Depicting the situation at hand.
1 – The Issue – Consciousness
2 – What I’m present to internally – Innocence
3 – What needs to happen externally – Letting Go
4 – What is currently happening – Transformation
5 – The Outcome – Completion

3 of these cards being Major Arcana Cards – representing BIG lessons at play.

6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process

Perhaps you’ve read about the awakening process or are going through it yourself. ¬†The world is shifting and people are awakening to the truth of this life. It can be a scary initiation that is a preparation into your unique life purpose and why you are living this life. ¬†One that has more meaning than that of simply following the society norm of which we have been conditioned to through our up bringing.

To help a little, and normalize what you might be experiencing, I’ve compiled 6 examples to support your surrender and remind you you aren‚Äôt alone.

I know when I experienced these, I felt like I was the only person on Earth and didn’t understand what was happening. ¬†Please know you’re not alone as many have gone before you, and are right alongside you right now. ¬†At this time there is an abundance of people available to support you and understand your experience.

6 Signs You’re Experiencing the Awakening Process

  • 1 – Something outside of your control happens;

    Maybe you lost your job?
    A large financial challenge occurs.
    You move homes, or locations.
    You’re going through a divorce or separation with a loved one.
    Someone dear to you passes on.
    A desired outcome was not fulfilled.

    Situations that occur beyond what our Ego has calculated can invite an opportunity for fear to visit. ¬†This is not a bad thing. ¬†Merely a chance to test our resiliency and feel emotions we may not have allowed ourselves to feel by being in our mapped out existence. ¬†When we know what we know, well… ¬†When we don’t know what we don’t know…

  • 2 – Feeling emotional for unknown reasons;

    You experience a spectrum of emotions for unknown (or maybe known) reasons. But you really do not understand WHY you feel this magnified way about this unknown, or known thing, but you do.  You feel like reclusing, hiding, you are unsure how to cope.

    When life happens for us externally, it can activate emotions that are suppressed within our psyche. ¬†Something may have happened during our childhood years, or perhaps past lives, that we weren’t able to process, that now as an adult we have the capacity to.

  • 3 – Feeling alone/misunderstood in usual social situations;

    Going out tonight, you didn’t really feel like going. ¬†But you go because you feel a sense of obligation. ¬†It’s what you ‘should’ do. ¬†The small talk at the outing feels really really hard. You long to simply be at home, or be able to talk about what is really going on in your life, but you feel far to vulnerable to show how you really feel and fear being judged and feeling like ‚Äėthat person‚Äô. ¬†That person who is struggling with life and doesn’t have it all together. ¬†Because of course we should, right? ¬†(tongue in cheek)

    As our consciousness is shifting and we are awakening to a whole new world of thoughts, feelings, emotions and ways of being in the world, we begin to shift and out grow or existing reality.

  • 4 – Increased sensitivity to usual environments & information

    Watching the News, or reading Newspapers is no longer enjoyable. You don‚Äôt like the fear mongering in these stores, they make you feel bad.¬† You prefer to scroll Social Media for feel good stories, articles and information, watch YouTube Videos and choose to inform yourself on what ‚Äėthe people‚Äô are sharing.¬† There are great things happening in the world too! ¬†You are consciously choosing to feel good, not bad.

    You might be beginning to notice how easy it is to feel bad based on environmental factors. ¬†Media, people, environments, food, bars, clubs, places you used to put your energy into. ¬†You’ll be making conscious choices for what makes you feel good vs bad.

  • 5 – Falling away of current friendships

    You’re feeling like your current circle of friends don‚Äôt understand you and what is happening. ¬†You struggle to talk to them and feel really uncomfortable when you try. ¬†When you do, they console you with things like:
    – it’ll pass
    – you’ll be right // you’ll get through this
    – everyone goes through something
    – did you know such and such had xyz happen ‚Äď you’re lucky compared to them
    It’s not their fault they don’t know how to acknowledge you, but you feel no better, maybe worse and more alone from not feeling heard.

    Yup – this is a tricky, and personal one to navigate. ¬†Ensure you seek support from a practitioner who can acknowledge how you feel. ¬†How you feel IS important and valid and it’s absolutely irrelevant to compare your situation to another person going through the same or different circumstances. ¬†We are all unique and riding our own life waves.

  • 6 – There is discomfort in the life you once felt comfort

    Suddenly, being in large populated areas like shopping malls, supermarkets now aggravates you. The bright lights, artificial food & packaging, screaming children, intense energy, the sense of stress and urgency from over worked faces around you.  Not to mention the stress of getting in and out of the car park!

    Another uncomfortable one, but a great opportunity to acknowledge you and your needs. ¬†There are other options available that don’t have to include going to a busy supermarket or mall. ¬†Lucky now we have home gardens, whole foods stores, weekend markets, organic delivery services, co-ops. ¬†Start doing some research if you haven’t already to connect with local people, create grass roots connections with others around you who are connected to the Earth. ¬†Life isn’t a fast food store, so we shouldn’t live like it.

    Lots of wonderful unfolding lessons will show themselves in time.  This is a magical time where you will see more than you have before.  It may not feel like it at the time, but remember to breathe, seek support and know you are not alone in this.

 

6 Signs You're Experiencing the Awakening Process
The Awakening Process to Freedom

 

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8 Month Womb of Bali Love

These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection.  It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.

Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation.¬† Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to.¬† I‚Äôm Heidi ‚Äď I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path.¬† This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.

I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.

It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period.¬† Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward.¬† After all, doesn‚Äôt it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life?¬† Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action.¬† Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties.¬† Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe.¬† ‚ÄúIl dolce far niente.‚ÄĚ

I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly.¬† After all, as the saying goes ‚Äúwe get what we need, not what we want.‚ÄĚ

I‚Äôve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life ‚Äď making a living ‚Äď in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali.¬† It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‚Äėin control‚Äô of such simple matters.¬† However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on.¬† I have been gifted a break from the rat race.¬† An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.

Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali.¬† An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective.¬† To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble.¬† A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed.¬† Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, ‚Äúwhat am I doing with my life!‚ÄĚ

Feeling unbiased either way upon my return ‚Äď should I stay, should I go ‚Äď I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed ‚Äď I felt freer.¬† But direction & purpose were still no more clearer.¬† ¬†Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I‚Äôd hoped options would become clear to me.¬† This wasn‚Äôt to be the case.¬† Foggier and foggier I became.¬† I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force.¬† Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear.¬† I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.

That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy.¬† Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished.¬† I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online.¬† I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins.¬† I started watching it out of curiosity.¬† He‚Äôs been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him.¬† However he has a movie set for release shortly titled ‚ÄúI am not your Guru‚ÄĚ, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept.¬† I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.

Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like ‚Äúhow to control your emotions‚ÄĚ thinking, this will be interesting.¬† I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he‚Äôs talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.

I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something.  I get this.  We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message.  I get this also.  What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 ‚Äď Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 ‚Äď Take action preceding the situation.

Watch the mentioned Tony Robbin’s Video here

 

I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed.¬† For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness.¬† So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth.¬† Allowing it to be what is.¬† It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine.¬† Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity ‚Äď having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age?¬† Perhaps making up for lost time, I don‚Äôt know?

This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked ‚Äúwhat do I do next?‚Ä̬† I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration.¬† A clear indication around what action I needed to take.¬† Up until recently, I‚Äôve been getting nadda.¬† This morning what came through was a message – ‚Äúback yourself.‚ÄĚ

What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control.  I am in charge of what I want to create.  I looked at why I am feeling this way.  I got really honest with myself.  I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously.  So what was my resistance?

I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone.  That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be.  I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself.  I was my own boss.  I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!

This memory reminded me that I can do that again!

I needed to internally choose.  I needed to step up, to back myself.  To choose that I want to work for myself.  To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here.  Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards.  I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now.  Now is the time to do.

As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout.  I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them.  I was my own Personal Trainer.  Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.

This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session!  Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good.  In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.

There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being.  We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment.  It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.

womb of bali love

 

My experience with Landmark & why I’ve come home to NZ

So I’m in New Zealand after a whirlwind of events sees me here.

About a week ago, I returned home to Victoria BC, after spending a weekend in Vancouver attending a 5 day course in the name in The Landmark Forum.

To my knowledge, millions of people around the world have participated in this course, so you may have even heard of it?

Working for lululemon athletica, it is something that every employee gains the opportunity to attend as it is seen as something of value for one’s personal development. Chip Wilson, founder of lululemon took away grand insights into the way he was as a person, which then affected how he ran his company. Since then, lululemon employees across the globe get to experience this course after having worked for the company for 8 months.

Lets cut to the chase. I was pretty curious about what this was going to offer me. After having completed 2 intensive diplomas ‚Äď each 2-4 years in duration to complete, one in Transformational Life Coaching & the other in Energy Healing ‚Äď I knew I couldn’t and didn’t know it all, but was naturally curious – what would this course offer me?

Landmark breaks life down into a really simple structure, which make you reflect on yourself. It invites you to look at all the stories you’ve created, which have made up your life, and ask yourself ‚Äúwhat is really real here‚ÄĚ?

I got this part. I’ve been self reflecting for a good 10 years now, and know myself pretty thoroughly. But this method that they were teaching, was just so bang on, that one had to ask, well, what really IS real?

I have come to know that I am Heidi. Maybe not from this planet, maybe from some other light galaxy, incarnated into a human form in this lifetime to support people waking up to who they are. I appear light, bright, happy & personable. My purpose in life is to show others that they are their own gurus, their own healers so to speak. I knew that heading into this course.

Coming out of it on Tuesday night. I was absolutely that light being. Feeling like I could inspire change with a single conversation. Feeling like I was a world changer. Which isn’t a terrible thing, however that power can contain ego if one is not to careful. Posting on social media¬†like a show off, running around your day like a mad fool, touching and inspiring all who subconsciously call for your help.

I returned to work on Wednesday, and was floating like a newly awakened being. ¬†I initiated very real conversations everywhere I stepped. A guest would comment on her weight, and I wouldn’t hesitate to get into the nitty gritty of what was happening and have her share what was in her way. You begin to notice how random strangers will drop the tinniest of hints which are a cry for help. They may not be aware of it, but to the listening ears, you hear every word & tone.

I had a short shift that day where I felt like I was on fire. ¬†Chatting to colleagues and guests, left right and centre. Stirring up change everywhere I went & with every conversation. I respected those who didn’t engage in conversation, and those that did – held the conversation as long as invited by them. ¬†It all felt very free flowing and intuitive. ¬†My lunch break rolled around and I suddenly wasn’t feeling well. I actually felt like I was going to die. Intense I know! So I called Neil and asked him to pick me up as this was how I was feeling.
> I won’t elaborate on this story & feeling of dying just yet. It leads into another existential story, ‚Äď I’ll share it another time, or save this for myself.

Fast forward to the next few days. What goes up, must come down. There is a balance to life, a polarity to everything. Hot/Cold, Light/Dark, Happy/Sad ‚Äď you get it…

With such an inspired high, there had to be the equivalent low. What I unknowingly had tapped into were memories from my past. My early childhood past. Now these are not horrible by any means. But lets just remind ourselves here, how does a child react when they are upset? What if he/she doesn’t get their own way? They throw a tantrum right? They express their anguish fully without hesitation! Lets just leave that example a seed of what was to come.

About 2-3 days of exploding like a child. Anger, Fear, Frustration, Sadness, Grief… No ego restrictions on releasing the ‘pain’ of my childhood. I didn’t know what was happening, and neither did my dear partner Neil.

He had come to his wits end with my behavior, and didn’t know what to do with me. He was scared & frightened – and understandingly so. ¬†He’d spoken to his friends and they advised him to simply take me to the nearest hospital ‚Äď get me dosed up on medication.

Neil knew I wouldn’t want that, so swallowed his pride (I imagine?) and called my Mum at home in NZ. Fast forward this part of the story, and here I am, with Neil & Mum, in Te Awamutu, New Zealand.

They have both been super worried about me, and want to know tangible results about why I acted out of character, so yesterday took me to a local Dr who listened to this story. He sent me for blood tests, in which the results should come through tomorrow some time.

There are so many other parts to this story which I will share in time, if the time is right.

Parts where I could hear various people, living & passed over, speaking through Neil to me. Lucid dream states where I saw various Spirit Animals show up to support the release of our pain. Even in awake states, various animals showed up to help us move through stuff. Animals such as Squirrels, Raccoons, Ravens, Dogs, a marvelous spider who weaved his magical web to protect our home, and even a Cougar making itself seen throughout Victoria that weekend.

I thought I was a shaman, moving various rocks and such around my home, orchestrating a change in the world, and a healing of the planet. I chanted, sang, drummed and played my Spirit Flute as needed, and heard the neighbors drum & tap in support of something they’d long wished for. I dreamt that I was one of 4 shamans overseen by one head shaman who would eventually invite us to his home in California to discuss these dreams & experiences, and go through an initiation process.

It has been a wild ride, and that description doesn’t even cut it.

The human brain is wild and mysterious, and after this experience, I really don’t think it should be pushed the way that it was at Landmark. I am speaking for myself exclusively. I cannot speak for others.

My takeaway from this, is DO NOT hurry your personal development! Be gentle, be compassionate, be nurturing, be LOVING. LOVE yourself as you would love another, how you would want to be loved in the world. Be that & that is all that you need to be. LOVE.

As a side note here; if you are experiencing any challenges based on dealing with your past, please reach out to me for support.  I understand how confusing it can be & how those around you may not understand.  I am available via Skype & Email at this stage.  heidi.firth | heidi.firth11@gmail.com

My experience at The Landmark Forum

Not having a Dad has become my greatest gift

Neils’ Dad has been here visiting for the weekend. ¬†He lives in Campellville, Ontario.

I’ve met him twice before when Neil & I visited for Christmas & the packing down of his Mothers’ Condo in Milton.

He’s a lovely man, a real Dad type. ¬†I guess what other type is there really? ¬†I think I mean that he’s what I imagined a Dad to be like?

I never met my Dad, or ever had a Dad figure in my life.

I’ve learnt that it’s no small thing to have never met your Father, whether you’re a Male or a Female. ¬†Both positions can leave a firm imprint on any Adult during their childhood. ¬†For me, I didn’t know that not having a Father was a different way to grow up, until I got to school. ¬†I succinctly remember being in the playground at 5 years of age, and all the other kids were talking about their Dads. ¬†One of them asked me about mine, I replied “I don’t have one.” ¬†In that moment, at my tender age of 5, I felt a distinct separation from me and them, the other kids. ¬†I took on that there must been something wrong with me, for me to not have a Dad. ¬†Huge Moment. ¬†Huge belief set in place.

That untrue belief, from my innocent mind, set the scene for my life. ¬†“There must be something wrong with me.”

I went on to create a life that set me apart from the rest.  Thinking that I was different from others.

I believe that this incident + running from the pain of Sexual Abuse, has seen me roam the world in search of myself. I wouldn’t have said it at the time, but I guess I was seeking something outside of myself, only to be brought back to myself. ¬†Much like The Alchemist story. ¬†At 20 years old,¬†I sure as hell wasn’t ready to look within. ¬†Years of establishing this belief had become my truth.
I had inner dialogues running of; I’m not worthy, there’s something wrong with me, and nobody loves me.

I ran to binge drinking, crazy partying, pill popping… this eventually turned into obsessive exercise/gym habits, a body building competition, & elimination diets & restrictive eating. ¬†I eventually crashed. ¬†This coincided with delving into myself during a Vision Quest that was a part of my Life Coaching Diploma. ¬†I landed depressed for 2.5 years and had no where to turn, but to myself. ¬†Those days were extremely dark & tough going – I didn’t know if I was going to make it through. ¬†I would dream of not being here, not being a burden to anyone. Though they were shit, I wouldn’t take them back. ¬†I’m a richer, loving, more compassionate person because of coming back to myself.

Not all absent Dad stories are the same.  This one is mine.  It has seen me on a journey of transformation.  Of coming back to who I innately am.  This is all there is.  To know who you are at your core is priceless.  I feel like I have finally arrived at a place where I am me.  Who I was born to be in this world.  I am connected to Source daily & am guided, step by step to take my path of purpose.  I need nothing else.

I now do not feel sad for the Father I never knew, I don’t feel angry towards Steve for what he did. ¬†I look at the upbringing I had with deep gratitude. ¬†I remember my Life Coach said that one day I would be grateful for¬†my pain, and see it as a gift. ¬†I understood it intellectually then, but now feel it as truth.

The anger & pain that I held onto, unconsciously, for years has been greatly released.  I am free from digestive issues, I am free from anxiety & fear based ways of being.  I am free to make decisions lead by my heart and choose a life of freedom.

There is no greater gift than FREEDOM!!  Freedom has been my life mantra, now I feel I embody it, rather than chase it.  Ah ho!

Should I meet my Father
Neil & his Dad

I have cracked wide open

Today there is not to much else to do or understand, but just be and write a little.

It feels like everything is coming to a head, and life as I currently know it is changing, not before my eyes – because that actually hasn’t happened yet – but on my insides.

Since doing a breath work/sound healing yesterday afternoon, it has brought up all the emotions attached to my current situation. ¬†(in case you haven’t read anything; the ‘up in the air-ness’ of my love relationship, my purpose/job/career, my country location…) Three very big life topics to look at at the same time.

I am feeling slightly split open, cracked, cloudy, foggy, unclear, sad, frustrated, sometimes angry, introspective, just to name a few.

This morning I don’t know what to do with myself. ¬†Simple feels like a great place to start, so I have meditated, and now I am writing as I heat my breakfast and sip on lemon water.

I had a lovely supportive chat with Lynne yesterday afternoon – she reminded me of how the ego often needs to crack so that new life can pour in. ¬†I’ve experienced this once before in my life, and that was in about 2008 – the time in my life when I became depressed & I can compare it to that time – minus the depression – thank god!

Its like trying to think a thought or ask a question – and all you see is blank unlimited space.

What should I do today? Blank Space

What do I feel like doing? Blank Space

Its an interesting place to be. ¬†Hence pulling it back to simplicity. ¬†Something I think my mind failed with when I entered depression. ¬†That over thinking, need to know, brain of mine…

Its when the blankies hit “Blank Space”, then one resorts to a moment by moment affair of what one (me) wants to do with her time.

Which in essence, is all there ever is.  This moment in time.  The next does not exist yet & never will, until it then becomes the present moment.

We strive to achieve this type of presence in meditation.  Being in the here and now, connecting with breath & as I always like to do, my guides/angels & the magic that exists in the spaces between worlds.

Though, this said, lets not discount our minds and how much struggle they can go into & cause us when they are no longer needed (in this sense).

They have been built on us trying to create our lives in our minds. ¬†I will live in this country, with this partner, I’d like to do this in the world, and earn this much money, so that we can go on holiday, live a bountiful life and feel happy…

Uh uh – this doesn’t even exist – our minds have created this scene based on past experiences & future ideas for pure entertainment pleasure – so that we can trick ourselves in magically feeling safe in the world. ¬†This is the life that I want to live and am working towards – therefore I am SAFE! ¬†When the reality is, life is lived moment by moment, it happens to us as a co-creation with us.

What I’m writing is so not anything new – no new concept to you at all, however it is the execution of it, that makes it all the more powerful. ¬†Dropping ideas and conditioning and surrendering to the unknown and what life will gift us.

I shared a conversation with my neighbor the other day. ¬†We were talking about drinking and why people drink. ¬†She told me that she¬†finds life boring, so having a drink is something has makes her feel good. ¬†This is exactly the conditioning we are living with. ¬†If we are not open & available to lifes’ gifts, then the mind will get bored. ¬†We’re not open to being guided by our souls calling, leading us on our own personal adventure.

I don’t want to live a half arsed life – I never have, I feel now, that there has always been a strong will guiding me on my adventures. ¬†Even as my head has been in the way for most of my life – I can now sense that it has always been there guiding me.

So the journey home is not an easy one, but a courageous one that will show you parts of yourself that you may not have wished to see, but it is well worth it.  Beyond worth.  It is life.  There is nothing else.  As if you pass this life having not experienced that wonder that is you, well have you really lived?

My biggest fear is dying without having release my magic within, having not met my purpose…

How My Personal Growth is changing my Relationship

For the last week or so, I feel like I have been undergoing one of the most challenging times of my life.

Everything has been up for review.

Where I live
My Relationship with Neil
My J.O.B at lululemon
The Condo I live in
My light & purpose in the world/my calling

That’s a lot of balls to have up in the air in one go.

It’s only been the past two days that life seems to feel a lot better. ¬†I seem to have a renewed sense of presence. Childlike I would describe. ¬†Where I wake, and a day is a day, an opportunity to explore and adventure and see what magic shows up.

Prior to that there was a crumbling. ¬†A crumbling of an idea of what I thought my life might look like. ¬†Ideas around what my mind had conceived my life might look like. ¬†My life with Neil. ¬†Settle down, buy a house, renovate it, have kids, live on the opposite side of the world from my¬†family & loved ones. ¬†It wasn’t one I felt completely enthralled about, as it didn’t have my souls calling embedded within it.

And so, with the past few days and everything up in the air, it has all been in review. ¬†Neil has asked me; “well what do you want for your life”?¬† (An external question, to match the internal one I continue to ask myself). ¬†The only answer I can conjure is “To be happy, to feel good!” ¬†Well that’s a given he might say, what ‘things’ do you want? ¬†ie – kids etc… ¬†I simply do not know? ¬†I cannot answer that!? ¬†I am neither against or for? ¬†I believe if a soul chooses me to be its Mother then I will feel it and will know that I am to be a Mum.
(I read a story on this some years ago – and decided that this is what I wanted for myself.)
The soul will choose me.

And so right now, one of the situations in front of me, is whether the Heidi & Neil story will continue?

I feel like I am rising at the speed of light, into the light.  Getting brighter and brighter day by day, and in my light, it is inviting Neil into his.  Right now he is resisting.  He is frustrated and angry.  There is nothing I can do about who he is choosing to be right now, and what it is that he is dealing with.  I can only continue on my path of light and being responsible for feeling good.  Feeling GOD.

Today I have been called to write him a letter.  It feels like a letter written by my soul, and likely a little of my ego, and right now I am debating whether I give it to him.  How will it land, will it make him more angry, will it cause us to break-up?  Again I am not responsible for how it lands for him, or for what he chooses to feel.

I write this here as “GOD knows!” – ¬†*throws hands in the air*
I’m sure at this time of light, there are more than a few of us experiencing a very similar experience. ¬†I have been very fortunate to share space with someone this morning and talk about this, as they are experiencing the same.

Relationships aren’t all rainbows and unicorns. ¬†They take courage and personal responsibility. ¬†Conscious ones anyway. ¬†Co-Dependent Relationships are another conversation.

If you are experiencing a similar situation, I would love to hear how you are handling it.  What are you choosing for yourself right now?

In love – always xx

Soul-Full Sundays Interview

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a forum recently, the lovely Carrie, of carriehensley.com asked for volunteers for her popular Sunday Soul-Full Series.

I put my hand up at the opportunity to share my message…

Read the post here.

 

 

 

 

 

What is my life purpose?

Today I answered a bunch of questions for a fellow Amazing Life + Biz Academy Member, for the opportunity to be featured on her blog as part of her Soul-Full Sunday Interviews. ¬†I have just read one of Carries’ blog posts, and it appears we are both Sexual Abuse thrivers. ¬† ¬†I use the description thrive, as Survivor does not feel like a fit for me anymore.

I feel that I now THRIVE, that my story is simply that, something that shaped me into the amazing woman I have become in the world today.  I no longer resonate with that story, however I still wish to share parts of it, as I wish to show other women that there is a way forward from the darkness of your secret.

I share these answers with you, as I shared them with Carrie, as there is a message to be heard.  A message of inspiration.  Showing another way for women who have experienced the pain that abuse can cause.

It is time to rise up into the being that you are here to be in this world.  It is time.

 

How are you following your life path (dharma)?
In each moment I am aware of who I’m choosing to be in the world. I try to make sure that I am present with each & every person I come into contact with. I take personal responsibility for my body & being and trust by doing so, that I teach others that it is possible for them also.
I recently started working at lululemon athletica here in Canada. I love that the girls I’m working with thought that I was 26! I’m¬†actually¬†36 and¬†¬Ĺ! I feel like that’s a pretty awesome testament to me!

Have you always had this calling? If not, was it a sudden/gradual shift?
I believe I have. I fit into that known story of not fitting in at school. My story begun with learning I didn’t have a Dad at the age of 5, then at the age of 8 ‚Äď was sexually abused by my Mums boyfriend. I took on the beliefs that I wasn’t good enough to have a Dad & in the second example ‚Äď shut down my emotions as I didn’t know how to deal with the situation.

It’s only in hindsight I see that I spent my teens & early 20’s ‘running’ from myself. I left my home country of New Zealand at the age of 20, from here life was hard and fast. I partied hard, engaged in recreational drugs, exercised like a mad woman & was determined my body defined how I felt about myself.
I entered a body building competition in 2006 ‚Äď I spent 1 year working towards that goal. After competition & a Vision Quest I completed as part of my Life Coaching studies, my world fell apart.
This intention of my quest was ‘to shine’, I went through a very dark knight of the soul with depression for 2.5 years. This forced me to acknowledge the pain that I’d kept hidden from my childhood that I had been running from.
As I pulled through ‚Äď I learnt that there was so much wonder & beauty in the world. I knew I had a purpose in this life that involved inspiring others to heal from their pain.

What did you have to give up by honoring your path?
I’ve let go of a lot!
Fear, Doubt, Worry, Anxiety, Pain, Lack…
I’d say in aligning to something greater that feels good, I’ve chosen to let go of the things that haven’t supported me feeling good.
This might look like; big nights out, binge drinking, recreational drugs, gossip, TV, reading Newspapers/Magazines, eating processed foods, sugar, non organic meat, obsessive exercise habits…
The physical things I mentioned just fell away as I changed. It wasn’t about letting go of them because I thought I needed to. It’s was about aligning to something greater, about making the CHOICE to FEEL good. To feel GREAT.

What have you learned/gained by remembering your true nature (honoring your path)?
That I am unlimited… I have everything that I could ever need, in this moment & every moment. All I need to do is align to the vibration of what I want, and I will attract what I need, or the steps to move closer towards attracting what I need.

That it is an absolute CHOICE to feel good. It doesn’t just happen, it is something that you need to work at. Chose to eat healthy nutritional food, chose healthy movement habits, choice healthy work & social environments, chose healthy thoughts…

What is one thing you do every week to honor your innermost authentic Self (connection to Source)?
I do a lot of things. I LOVE nature…. I will take time out and visit the local woods and breathe, probably even hug & talk to the trees there.
I will watch the insects and birds & notice how they might invite me in & let each other know that I’m there.

I meditate daily. I give thanks to Great Spirit and acknowledge its existence.

What is one treat you can share with us to bring along on our own path towards freedom?
Oh SO many…. But one.
Um, I would invite you to observe your mind.
Watch your thoughts.
Sit in quiet contemplation, or meditation and observe.
Or, if you don’t feel ready (yet), to start. Journal.
Write. Write. Write.
Write unedited on a blank sheet of paper. Just allow anything that enters your mind to be expressed onto that sheet. Give yourself 20 minutes of pure uninterrupted time to express your minds thoughts.

What is my life purpose?

Oh life you interesting monkey…

Oh life, you are an interesting monkey at times…

Today I share my Vlog about what space I’ve been in, and why it is a necessary part of growth & development…

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

With love, always <3