I have cracked wide open

Today there is not to much else to do or understand, but just be and write a little.

It feels like everything is coming to a head, and life as I currently know it is changing, not before my eyes – because that actually hasn’t happened yet – but on my insides.

Since doing a breath work/sound healing yesterday afternoon, it has brought up all the emotions attached to my current situation.  (in case you haven’t read anything; the ‘up in the air-ness’ of my love relationship, my purpose/job/career, my country location…) Three very big life topics to look at at the same time.

I am feeling slightly split open, cracked, cloudy, foggy, unclear, sad, frustrated, sometimes angry, introspective, just to name a few.

This morning I don’t know what to do with myself.  Simple feels like a great place to start, so I have meditated, and now I am writing as I heat my breakfast and sip on lemon water.

I had a lovely supportive chat with Lynne yesterday afternoon – she reminded me of how the ego often needs to crack so that new life can pour in.  I’ve experienced this once before in my life, and that was in about 2008 – the time in my life when I became depressed & I can compare it to that time – minus the depression – thank god!

Its like trying to think a thought or ask a question – and all you see is blank unlimited space.

What should I do today? Blank Space

What do I feel like doing? Blank Space

Its an interesting place to be.  Hence pulling it back to simplicity.  Something I think my mind failed with when I entered depression.  That over thinking, need to know, brain of mine…

Its when the blankies hit “Blank Space”, then one resorts to a moment by moment affair of what one (me) wants to do with her time.

Which in essence, is all there ever is.  This moment in time.  The next does not exist yet & never will, until it then becomes the present moment.

We strive to achieve this type of presence in meditation.  Being in the here and now, connecting with breath & as I always like to do, my guides/angels & the magic that exists in the spaces between worlds.

Though, this said, lets not discount our minds and how much struggle they can go into & cause us when they are no longer needed (in this sense).

They have been built on us trying to create our lives in our minds.  I will live in this country, with this partner, I’d like to do this in the world, and earn this much money, so that we can go on holiday, live a bountiful life and feel happy…

Uh uh – this doesn’t even exist – our minds have created this scene based on past experiences & future ideas for pure entertainment pleasure – so that we can trick ourselves in magically feeling safe in the world.  This is the life that I want to live and am working towards – therefore I am SAFE!  When the reality is, life is lived moment by moment, it happens to us as a co-creation with us.

What I’m writing is so not anything new – no new concept to you at all, however it is the execution of it, that makes it all the more powerful.  Dropping ideas and conditioning and surrendering to the unknown and what life will gift us.

I shared a conversation with my neighbor the other day.  We were talking about drinking and why people drink.  She told me that she finds life boring, so having a drink is something has makes her feel good.  This is exactly the conditioning we are living with.  If we are not open & available to lifes’ gifts, then the mind will get bored.  We’re not open to being guided by our souls calling, leading us on our own personal adventure.

I don’t want to live a half arsed life – I never have, I feel now, that there has always been a strong will guiding me on my adventures.  Even as my head has been in the way for most of my life – I can now sense that it has always been there guiding me.

So the journey home is not an easy one, but a courageous one that will show you parts of yourself that you may not have wished to see, but it is well worth it.  Beyond worth.  It is life.  There is nothing else.  As if you pass this life having not experienced that wonder that is you, well have you really lived?

My biggest fear is dying without having release my magic within, having not met my purpose…

How My Personal Growth is changing my Relationship

For the last week or so, I feel like I have been undergoing one of the most challenging times of my life.

Everything has been up for review.

Where I live
My Relationship with Neil
My J.O.B at lululemon
The Condo I live in
My light & purpose in the world/my calling

That’s a lot of balls to have up in the air in one go.

It’s only been the past two days that life seems to feel a lot better.  I seem to have a renewed sense of presence. Childlike I would describe.  Where I wake, and a day is a day, an opportunity to explore and adventure and see what magic shows up.

Prior to that there was a crumbling.  A crumbling of an idea of what I thought my life might look like.  Ideas around what my mind had conceived my life might look like.  My life with Neil.  Settle down, buy a house, renovate it, have kids, live on the opposite side of the world from my family & loved ones.  It wasn’t one I felt completely enthralled about, as it didn’t have my souls calling embedded within it.

And so, with the past few days and everything up in the air, it has all been in review.  Neil has asked me; “well what do you want for your life”?  (An external question, to match the internal one I continue to ask myself).  The only answer I can conjure is “To be happy, to feel good!”  Well that’s a given he might say, what ‘things’ do you want?  ie – kids etc…  I simply do not know?  I cannot answer that!?  I am neither against or for?  I believe if a soul chooses me to be its Mother then I will feel it and will know that I am to be a Mum.
(I read a story on this some years ago – and decided that this is what I wanted for myself.)
The soul will choose me.

And so right now, one of the situations in front of me, is whether the Heidi & Neil story will continue?

I feel like I am rising at the speed of light, into the light.  Getting brighter and brighter day by day, and in my light, it is inviting Neil into his.  Right now he is resisting.  He is frustrated and angry.  There is nothing I can do about who he is choosing to be right now, and what it is that he is dealing with.  I can only continue on my path of light and being responsible for feeling good.  Feeling GOD.

Today I have been called to write him a letter.  It feels like a letter written by my soul, and likely a little of my ego, and right now I am debating whether I give it to him.  How will it land, will it make him more angry, will it cause us to break-up?  Again I am not responsible for how it lands for him, or for what he chooses to feel.

I write this here as “GOD knows!” –  *throws hands in the air*
I’m sure at this time of light, there are more than a few of us experiencing a very similar experience.  I have been very fortunate to share space with someone this morning and talk about this, as they are experiencing the same.

Relationships aren’t all rainbows and unicorns.  They take courage and personal responsibility.  Conscious ones anyway.  Co-Dependent Relationships are another conversation.

If you are experiencing a similar situation, I would love to hear how you are handling it.  What are you choosing for yourself right now?

In love – always xx

Choosing a life with 0% alcohol in the name of GREATNESS

 

Drugs and Alcohol.

Most people in todays’ day are familiar with them and are likely to have tried either/or, or both.

Since my teenage years I have known alcohol only to well.

I was raised in New Zealand.  A small country where it is seen as ‘normal’ to have alcohol as part of your lifestyle.  It was not at all uncommon to have a fully stocked beer fridge at all times, just in case that impromptu guest happened to drop by, and to seal the evening with a couple of bevies.  Steve, Mums partner during the time of my childhood even made home brew – so the house was never short of alcohol.

All occasions consisted of the family gathering at someones home, bringing along their share of cans for the day or evening.  It was normal.  Like food is for survival.  Alcohol is for socializing.

Like the lives of most typical teenagers – there in consists of announcements of house parties most weekends. Alcohol is a very prominent part of a party – and so like adults, like children, you take your desired beverage for consumption to said school house party.

I always felt pretty lucky, as Mum would always purchase my alcohol for me despite being under age.  A lot of friends had to ask older kids with fake I.Ds to buy theirs.

Fast forward some 23 years later why am I bringing this discussion up?

As I review my 23 years of consuming alcohol, I have reflected on why.  Why do/did I drink this stuff that makes me feel foggy headed, and crap the next day, if not subsequent days.

During my London days I could drink until the wee hours of the morning, and get up the next day to continue the game again.  Good ole 2o’s!

It’s only now sitting on the other side of this time, having learnt invaluable life lessons that I can completely understand why I did it.

In my understanding – Alcohol is a form of escapism.  Of not accepting parts of ourselves we want to happily keep hidden.  Alcohol allows us to feel more socially accepted, allows us to escape our anxiety, or awkwardness and insecurities.  As soon as we have a few drinks, we can feel more relaxed, unwind and at ease with the world around us.

Alcohol can sometimes allow us to be the person we really wish we could be, by eliminating our inhibitions.  But allowing us to open up.  Say the things we wish we could say when we’re sober.  Be funny.  Be bold.  Be uninhibited.  It is a drink of courage that makes us feel more powerful and successful, more self accepting.  That is until it wears off and reality settles in again.

I experienced all of this.  I would drink to excess.  I did not like myself, and was hiding from this pain.

Sometimes I would have two on the go at one time.  We used to have a rule that you couldn’t be double parked, and if you were, it was an automatic cause to skull one of your drinks.

2001 – I arrived in Sydney, Australia after my 2.5 years as a backpacker through London & Europe.  I was known as Heidi – the mullet party girl backpacker.  I was fortunate to land on my feet when I arrived in Aussie.  One of my London buddies, lived in a massive heritage listed house in North Sydney.  There was plenty of room for me in her lounge to stay, until I figured out my next move.

One night, all 4 flatmates of the house, including myself and some friends partook in a weekly ‘Doohat Dinner’.  We gathered and shared a meal and drinks together.  One of the flatmates Jaysin and I, were going drink for drink with each other.  He was making mine, and without a doubt was stitching me up.  I’m sure he was making mine half vodka, half mixer!  After dinner we decided to go out to a local bar down the road.  I remember stumbling down the road, the night air making me more drunk each step I took.  My head was spinning, yet I was determined to charge on.  I had a persona to uphold.  I believe I made it to the entrance of the bar, but struggled to hold myself up.  Nicola – another flatmate – thought it best I turn around and head on back home, so took it upon herself to walk me.  She put me to my bed in the lounge, with a bucket in hand, and wished me goodnight.  I remember that bucket became a valued companion that night.  This is one story of many.

Alcohol dulls our senses and gives us a false sense of ourselves.  It diminishes our bodies ability to process thoughts and energy.  It puts us in a lower state of vibration and invites in lower vibrating energies.  Negativity, Paranoia, Anger, Frustration to name a few.

As I continue along my spiritual journey of consciousness expansion, the more I become a sensitive – energetic being, and the more I do not resonate with drugs & alcohol.  I feel these toxins in other people, and when I partake in a drink or two – I feel a diminished vibrancy, expansion & aliveness.

Up until this morning, I have been somewhat happy to drink the odd drink here and there, and accept that this is normal.  Well, normal in the sense that if I do it, I will fit it.  If I don’t, then what??

Today I’m making the decision to cross into the ‘then what’ space.

I acknowledge that I no longer need alcohol in my life.  I am no longer hiding from who I am.  I do not need it to feel comfortable with myself.  I do not need it to have a good time.  I certainly do not need it to fit in.  I have decided to eliminate alcohol from my life.  And it’s not that I’m a big drinker anyway, so this doesn’t feel like a big thing.  It’s just that I am recognizing that I do not want this in my life anymore.  I am giving myself permission to own my power, vibrancy, aliveness in its wholeness!

I am choosing to feel good.  All the time.   I do the work.  I derseve to give this to myself.  I take personal responsibility for my health and wellbeing.  I do not want lower vibrating energies feeding off me.

Anxiety, depression, negativity are lower vibing qualities that don’t support striving towards a place of greatness in my life.

I am currently feeling unsatisfied in my life and I am the only person who can choose to change this.  I want AMAZING for my life!  I want to awake, feeling excited and in wonder & awe of life.  Not to know it, but to feel it. Every god darn day!

Feeling good is a choice, one that we all have.  We can all take steps, baby if need to be, eliminate negativity and lower vibing from around us.

I had this conversation with Neil this morning.  I told him that I have the power to choose what I want, and want I don’t want.  I told him that I don’t want drugs and alcohol in my life.  This invites him to choose what he wants.  If he chooses drugs and alcohol – he looses me.  Its as simple as that.  The choices we need to make might not be pretty – but this is why it takes courage to create the life we want to live!

In the home today it is a blurry state of acceptance and sorrydom as the haze of hangoverness sleeps.  The words have been spoken, and are awaiting rest.  The next few days will show the results of change, and what will unfold.

I eagerly await the rise of the new, from the old.

 

my alcohol free life

What is my life purpose?

Today I answered a bunch of questions for a fellow Amazing Life + Biz Academy Member, for the opportunity to be featured on her blog as part of her Soul-Full Sunday Interviews.  I have just read one of Carries’ blog posts, and it appears we are both Sexual Abuse thrivers.    I use the description thrive, as Survivor does not feel like a fit for me anymore.

I feel that I now THRIVE, that my story is simply that, something that shaped me into the amazing woman I have become in the world today.  I no longer resonate with that story, however I still wish to share parts of it, as I wish to show other women that there is a way forward from the darkness of your secret.

I share these answers with you, as I shared them with Carrie, as there is a message to be heard.  A message of inspiration.  Showing another way for women who have experienced the pain that abuse can cause.

It is time to rise up into the being that you are here to be in this world.  It is time.

 

How are you following your life path (dharma)?
In each moment I am aware of who I’m choosing to be in the world. I try to make sure that I am present with each & every person I come into contact with. I take personal responsibility for my body & being and trust by doing so, that I teach others that it is possible for them also.
I recently started working at lululemon athletica here in Canada. I love that the girls I’m working with thought that I was 26! I’m actually 36 and ½! I feel like that’s a pretty awesome testament to me!

Have you always had this calling? If not, was it a sudden/gradual shift?
I believe I have. I fit into that known story of not fitting in at school. My story begun with learning I didn’t have a Dad at the age of 5, then at the age of 8 – was sexually abused by my Mums boyfriend. I took on the beliefs that I wasn’t good enough to have a Dad & in the second example – shut down my emotions as I didn’t know how to deal with the situation.

It’s only in hindsight I see that I spent my teens & early 20’s ‘running’ from myself. I left my home country of New Zealand at the age of 20, from here life was hard and fast. I partied hard, engaged in recreational drugs, exercised like a mad woman & was determined my body defined how I felt about myself.
I entered a body building competition in 2006 – I spent 1 year working towards that goal. After competition & a Vision Quest I completed as part of my Life Coaching studies, my world fell apart.
This intention of my quest was ‘to shine’, I went through a very dark knight of the soul with depression for 2.5 years. This forced me to acknowledge the pain that I’d kept hidden from my childhood that I had been running from.
As I pulled through – I learnt that there was so much wonder & beauty in the world. I knew I had a purpose in this life that involved inspiring others to heal from their pain.

What did you have to give up by honoring your path?
I’ve let go of a lot!
Fear, Doubt, Worry, Anxiety, Pain, Lack…
I’d say in aligning to something greater that feels good, I’ve chosen to let go of the things that haven’t supported me feeling good.
This might look like; big nights out, binge drinking, recreational drugs, gossip, TV, reading Newspapers/Magazines, eating processed foods, sugar, non organic meat, obsessive exercise habits…
The physical things I mentioned just fell away as I changed. It wasn’t about letting go of them because I thought I needed to. It’s was about aligning to something greater, about making the CHOICE to FEEL good. To feel GREAT.

What have you learned/gained by remembering your true nature (honoring your path)?
That I am unlimited… I have everything that I could ever need, in this moment & every moment. All I need to do is align to the vibration of what I want, and I will attract what I need, or the steps to move closer towards attracting what I need.

That it is an absolute CHOICE to feel good. It doesn’t just happen, it is something that you need to work at. Chose to eat healthy nutritional food, chose healthy movement habits, choice healthy work & social environments, chose healthy thoughts…

What is one thing you do every week to honor your innermost authentic Self (connection to Source)?
I do a lot of things. I LOVE nature…. I will take time out and visit the local woods and breathe, probably even hug & talk to the trees there.
I will watch the insects and birds & notice how they might invite me in & let each other know that I’m there.

I meditate daily. I give thanks to Great Spirit and acknowledge its existence.

What is one treat you can share with us to bring along on our own path towards freedom?
Oh SO many…. But one.
Um, I would invite you to observe your mind.
Watch your thoughts.
Sit in quiet contemplation, or meditation and observe.
Or, if you don’t feel ready (yet), to start. Journal.
Write. Write. Write.
Write unedited on a blank sheet of paper. Just allow anything that enters your mind to be expressed onto that sheet. Give yourself 20 minutes of pure uninterrupted time to express your minds thoughts.

What is my life purpose?

Mediocre to Great – Great to Amazing, Amazing to Unbelievable, Unbelievable to ….

I wrote this blog this morning on my work ‘intranet’ blog, but felt it pertinent for anyone who runs their own business, or in a Customer Service type role…

 

I started writing out my Vision yet again, and I always love how it is a ever evolving thing, never still or stationary – much like ourselves.

This time, I thought about what I wanted, but I found myself asking – why?

Why do I wish for these things for myself?  What is the purpose of an individual goal/vision.  Yes, it is relevant absolutely, as it is my life, a life, one life I am driving.  Although it is definitely not separate to anything else in this world.  So what is the purpose of fulfilling my goal or vision if nothing else surrounding me advances in its process?

There is a greater purpose at play, not just my speck of dust purpose in the pool of this varst ocean of people.

When I ‘achieve’ my vision so to speak, what does that mean for the rest of the world?

Are they still sitting on their butts thinking about the goals they wished they had of achieved?  I hope not.

I wish for more go-getters in this life, imagine if the people that surrounded you and further, were as much of a go-getter as you are?  What if the people around you cared equally, if not more for the planet that we live on?  What would that mean to your life and the life of others?  Something even more beautiful beyond comprehension right?

So what if our goals were about others?  Not to cancel out our own, as I’m sure if you’re reading this, you are a progressed enough soul to acknowledge how many years you have been plugging away at your purpose and goals, no you are well aware of your wants, desires, challenges etc… and you’ve got them down.

This extends beyond that, this goes beyond personal responsibility.  This moves into the next step, of responsibility for others.  Not to take on theirs, but to teach them responsibility for self.

Much like the journey of Educator to Key Leader, from Key Leader to ASM and so on…

How we do one thing in life, we do everything. 

Because you are an employee of xyz or self employed business owner, what does that mean in your life, your personal world?  Who are you being outside of this role?  Do you treat strangers the same way you would treat your work customers?  Do you aim to inspire Greatness to the person serving your daily coffee or breakfast?

How do you inspire those around you, beyond the store, into being someone greater than they know themselves to be?

What kind of world do you want to live in?  What will it look like around you when you’re reached your 10 year Vision?

Your ego doesn’t want you to know this about yourself

Here is me,

Sharing with you my voice,

Todays reflections post magical coaching session this morning.

You know you are unlimited!

It is timeless within you.

It is the inner calling that pulls you forward.

Rise with it & shine like the light you were born to be!

I was there to drink my coffee, and this happened…

I am reminded, time and time again, that, we make a difference in the world, by showing up in our life’s each day.

What do I mean by this?

It is not our big picture that makes the difference.  It is our daily, very real, interactions with everyday people on the way to creating this big picture.

To put this into perspective by STORYTELLING;

As you may or may not know, I have a goal to change the world.

I haven’t worked out the how yet, and that’s besides the point in todays story.

But it is easy for me to focus on the big picture, the idea of the world changing, the tools to get there, the work, the steps in between that will support IN THE getting there…

But what equally also matters, is the moment to moment ways of being I choose to be.

– How I show up, feeling & thinking each and every day, as my energy has the power to ripple like ringlets on water, through the people I encounter everywhere I go.
– The people I chat to, and interact with.

I sat down in my friendly cafe this morning for the first time in a number of weeks.  This morning where I sat, a man sat next to me.  I could feel he was available to chat.  It feels important for me to admit here, that I sometimes get frustrated, as I come here to work, and value my time here to do this.  But this morning, I remembered this important value of speaking to those around us, of being human.

So I engaged with this man, and he was off and running like a train with no breaks.  Chatting about his life in the logging world, how he made money that enabled him to purchase 3 houses, pay for trucks in cash up front, not gamble & drink his hard earned money away, how he has never travelled anywhere out of Canada – as he’s comfortable here, how he chooses to not drink because his drunken Grandfather used to violently push him & his sister around when they were children.

You never know what you’re going to get out of a stranger.

And you never know the power of what them sharing their story really does.

So, I sat with my frustration of wanting to do this writing, and listened to this mans story.

Went he left, he said it was wonderful chatting with me, and wished me a lovely day.

Life.

Always wonderful & interesting!

I am reminding myself, more so than anything.  That life is around us constantly.  It is not just in my blogging, not just in my website.  Not just in my intentions to want to heal the world.

It is also in the little conversations that are available to us everywhere we go.

Changing the world one conversation at a time.