living in Bali | facing myself

This living in Bali business really invites facing myself in a brutally honest way.
It has to be one of my most challenging rides to date.  I think I consider leaving Bali almost daily.

It feels like the mask that once so craftily created, to hide an insecurity, is slowly peeled back or being dissolved.  I am coming face to face with emotions real.  Connected to old embedded thoughts that remind me of the young girl I once knew so well.  The hopeless teenager who felt so down on herself she cried everyday after school.  The young girl who was so self conscious she accepted that boys were attracted to her friends and not her.  As her friends attended parties with said boys, it hurt her to not be invited, yet she never said a word.

These fundamental years shaped me.  They set the tone, my blueprint for what I believe of myself.

Of course ADULT HEIDI understands better these days.  But the reality is that she doesn’t always run the show.  My self worth is in review at the present moment, and Adult Heidi has stepped to the side, holding space for this younger self to be seen.  It ain’t comfortable.  It’s not particularly enjoyable.  But it’s real.  It takes courage to meet yourself with your wounds exposed.  But here I am.  I am here because I want something different for myself.  I don’t want to under value myself anymore.

I want to truly experience the Woman I want to be in the world.  I don’t want to feel an achy heart for something I long for.  I want to vibrate at such a frequency and know I already have love.  I don’t want to feel a sense of unworthiness or shame at the thought of supporting others through their dark moments and personal journey.  I don’t want to feel like my contribution in the world doesn’t matter or isn’t worth a worthy exchange that allows me to enjoy the fruits of life.  I want to feel that I know I HAVE these.  That I don’t feel a lack.  A yearning.  A wanting.  I want to feel the sense of satisfaction that is available from having made a difference.

I know to well the heart ache of our planet and its people right now and I don’t know where to start?  I really don’t. This image conjures – me yelling at others “pick up your trash”, like a teacher on duty during interval at school.

Peoples naivety hurts my heart!  Why can they not see?  Not understand the results of their actions?  Their in-actions?!  Where do I start?  How do I matter AND live an enjoyable life meeting my needs?  From here, where to?

The solution from my mind is not clear.  I don’t think I can pull myself out of, something my mind created.  The false lies.  My false sense of self (worth).  This is not who I am.  It is a tee-taw established during childhood, one I believed.  They are merely thoughts.  The only way through is to face myself.

SELF DIAGNOSED PRESCRIPTION

What can one do with a thought?  One can change it.
What invested interest do I have in believing I am not worthy?  I have NONE!
This false belief does NOT serve ME!
It doesn’t make me happy!
It doesn’t allow me to thrive!
It makes me feel shit.
So, why do I hold onto it?  Because it’s all I’ve known.
Am I ready to let it go?  YES!!
And so, what is its replacement?

I AM LOVED…

facing myself

 

Ego & Silence meet… What happens?

When Ego and Silence meet, magical occurrences can happen.

Parts of ourselves become present in our minds eye, we may never have had the pleasure of meeting before.

Much like how our Apps hum along in the background of our smart phones, so too do these parts of ourselves, our ego.

They use energy subconsciously, they have been magnetizing your very life experiences.  Creating it, drawing situations closer & closer.
To create the very moment.  This very moment… in Silence where you shall meet it.

This is the personal development path.  To come to know yourself, to meet your untruth, to pave the way for THE truth, the truth of who you really are in the world.

So as you meet your yourself, your hidden subconscious, you receive the opportunity to meet who has been running the show.  Your monkey mind creator – if you will.

They may not be pretty, but these separated elements of your psyche, created by experiences in life, during developmental stages;
Infant, Toddler, Adolescent, Teenage – pivitol moments that bonded themselves in our cellular memory.
Or perhaps deeper, older?  Past Life, Generational Contracts, In Utereo… Who’s to say?

But you are here.  You are brave.  Courageous.

You are meeting YOU.  Who you are manifest in the world.

Your journey.

All humans are seekers.  Seeking our truth.  From truth, we can make conscious choice.  Choices in life, choices aligned to our greater good.  Your greater good.

There is infinite wisdom connecting with your magnetic subconscious.  It knows, even if your mind does not understand.

You can feel it.

And so, you know…

 

+ Before we meet these hidden parts of ourselves, we don’t even know they exist.  They operate subconsciously, behind the scenes, but driving us.  It is not until we are in Silence, or triggered by an external person or experience, that they arise to the surface.
+ If you need support in recognizing behaviors you know are not working for you.
Email or Message Heidi at www.heidifirth.com

meeting parts of your ego

Grief Friend you are Welcome

Have you noticed how grief can be a trickster at times?

Disguised in one form, dressed as another.

Like an unannounced house guest, he knocks at the door, packed bags in hand, you answer in your underwear, the house a mess, you’re unprepared.  “Hello friend, I am Grief.”

He has come to visit.  To turn him away would be unheard of, perhaps a crime.  He never quite says what he needs, why he’s here, or how long he’ll stay for.  But you welcome him in, albeit reluctantly.  You both take a seat on the couch and he starts the conversation.

“How are you friend?”

You give your surface level reply.  “I’m good, I’m busy with work, friends, social situations, family.  I’m grateful for everything & everything is fine.”

He responds, “Is that right?  Tell me about how you’ve been feeling during your evenings alone?”

Something clicks inside.  You know exactly the feeling he is referring to.  You’ve been binging on chocolate & Netflix each night, in an avoidance of feeling this now named feeling.

“Tell me about THAT feeling he says, compassionately, lovingly.”

You sit for a moment.  For maybe the first time, tuning into that discomfort that resides in your body.  Uggghhh – there it is.  That heavy weight sitting, waiting…  Your breathing drops…  Your heart rate present – now seemingly louder…  You feel the energy expand outwards from this rock like weight.  Tears are forming behind your eyes, it’s coming…

You can’t hold back, nor would you want to.  You’ve wanted to acknowledge this, to feel this pain, you’ve just secretly been afraid.  The heavens pour down and you’re running with it.  Tears are falling down your face just like melting ice in your hot hand on a Summers day… your stomach contracts & heaves, as does your whole body in unison.  Your mind is blank in this moment, you have found relief.  In complete surrender to your bodies natural seasonal change – this emotional state.

Grief sits there quietly, very still.  Just looking upon you gently, lovingly.  A companion who has your back.  You continue to cry, beginning to wonder if there will be an end to this heaviness?

 

Time has passed some.  You’ve witnessed new insights drop into your mind, ah ha’s of what has been held so contained.

Memories from your past floating up from your subconscious.  Making their transition from one realm, to the next.  You can see more clearly, what was hiding.

What you were so frightened of.  It is not so frightening anymore.  Only here.  Present.  Accepted.  Free.  No stories. It is free.  You are free.  You are releasing the old.  The old that has driven you to hide from yourself.  Your truth.

Grief sits.

Placing his hands on your heavy heart.  You feel the ache.  The physical ache that now resides where before, pain sat.

You feel different.  Tired.  Numb.  Sad.  Heavy.

The couch feels good.  Comfortable.

The convulsions have subsided, the tears are now dry.

Your head feels expanded, kinda headachy, like it has just been squashed, but blast open.

Your mind blank.

Sitting…  Starring…  Quiet…  Peace…

Breathing now slow & consistent.  You look at grief, he holds your gaze in return.

“How are you friend?”  he asks.

You return his gaze and answer, “How are YOU friend?”

Grief has been heard.  He has been seen.  He sighs in his recognition.

Together you become one.

grief

Bali Visa Musings – having no agenda for change

While sitting in the Immigration Office in Bali, I was contemplating how much change my life has undergone, is such a short space of time.  Living within a Silent Retreat has brought me back to simplicity & the heart of what really matters in life.

I now see the many many distractions we create in life to avoid the very things that matter most to us.

For me, there is now no where to run, no where to hide, but face the pressing iceberg that lays in front.

My creativity & mark in the world is forefront.

I witness the talk, the wanting to make a better world, to impact people near & far.

I have had to learn to be humbled in its process, to loose my agenda for what I want.

I have had to let go & surrender to hard untruths in a bid to dissolve them.

I’ve had to fall into a puddle in the floor to come back stronger & continue step by step, again without agenda, but to dance in enjoyment of that moment, because this is all there is. An agenda is an idea, attached to ego.

When the ego fails, we feel we have failed & so a death cycles begins.

Not to avoid death cycles, but to really live in flow as nature intended is the truth. The only truth.

Having all rugs pulled from underneath, all safety harnesses removed, no life raft near is the only way. A singular leaf blowing in the wind, landing where it will, when it will, is, natures way.

And so, I am but another leaf, a piece of Earth, a part of Earth, aiming not to try to be anywhere but here.

It is an interesting way to live.

Trusting in life to provide in each & every moment. As this is only where life is. Not tomorrow, not yesterday.

Each moment I choose what tasks fulfill me, what nurtures me & what supports all. It is only within this balance of viewing all that I can be available to think far & wide, beyond my ‘I’ in the world.

Talking about doing things is no longer an option. We have a responsibility to uphold. Sitting behind Facebook sharing painful truths is not going to be the change. It is one step to awakening the masses perhaps, but it is only being in action that will make the change.

Today I propose to play a part in the reduction of reducing plastic usage in Bali. To help educate the Balinese people that their plastic rubbish contributes towards ocean pollution & sea life death.

This is an agenda yes. But in voicing it, I can let it go, and carry on taking action steps. Little by little, in a bid to align to the Earths intention for balance & harmony.

These words as I sit in at the Immigration Office in Bali.

no agenda for change, living in bali

Living in the Now – The Journey vs The Destination

Yesterday in my room, I contemplated living in the now, as I watched all the caterpillars that have cocooned themselves along the exposed frame work of my roof.

My room is much like a fancy outdoor tent.  I’m protected from the elements, however in traditional Balinese style, it is open and breezy, so bugs & insects alike are free to come and go as they so choose.

I was contemplating these caterpillars, thinking, do they know what their destiny is when they embark on that trek up my wall?

Do all the caterpillars congregate together, having a meeting about their future, preparing each other for what they’re about to go through?

I sure as hell bet they don’t!

And so, that got me thinking about how funny it is, how we as human beings operate.
We pow wow with each other.
We talk about where we think we’re going.
What we think we’re going to do, create.
But the reality of those conversations is that we have NO idea!  Those ideas lay in the future, and the future doesn’t exist.  So isn’t it strange to talk and make plans for something that doesn’t exist?

And when we do, we create thoughts around what we think we’re creating, which then creates more thoughts, which conjure feelings and more thoughts, about something that doesn’t exist.  Huh?!

I think it’s the strangest thing.

So these caterpillars, they embark on their mission.  One tiny little catapillar foot at a time, up my bedroom wall.  Until suddenly they stop.  They build their cocoon, and they go into hibernation.  If I understood that this was my destiny, perhaps I would never embark on that trek up my bedroom wall, and perhaps I might stay in the ‘safety’ of lingering on the ground, continuing to forage for food, getting fat.

Isn’t that an interesting metaphor to consider?

What is the gross population doing?  Is it fair to say, getting fat?  Not only just physically, but metophorically.

Our weight, our ‘fatness’, is the fear of the potential we have.

Having over thought every future potential (based on a belief system that is old), for ourselves and denied our forward movement due to fear?

There is comfort in safety, but is there satisfaction?  I’m going to go out on a limb and say, probably not, other than short term satisfaction.

The more and more we continue to return to the present moment, the more we can find satisfaction in the now, and not look to the future for safety & security.  As time only exists in the now, we will only ever receive exactly what we need in the now.  Safety & security is simply an illusion we have been breed to believe exists.  A ‘what if’ mentally that is based on future problems and implications.  But if we are focusing on the future as a problem, with potential issues to prepare for, what are we really creating for ourselves?  A fear based living in the now!  Detaching from our abundance and the universe supplying exactly what we need in this moment, here and now.

The Job.  Long Service Leave.  Maternity Leave.  The retirement fund.  Owning the house.

Do acquiring these items invite you to live your greatest life?

Are they an expression of your creativity?  You’re souls purpose in this lifetime?  Do they give you a sense of satisfaction like no other?  Perhaps they do?

I look at where I sit now in my life.

Since arriving in Bali 2.5 months ago, I have had to move into complete surrender around what I thought I was creating for my life.

I thought I was going to settle in Canada with the boy that I love.  I thought I might build a successful online business which in time progresses into a retreat centre in the woods on Vancouver Island.

I thought, I thought, I thought.  Then Bali.  Bali wasn’t part of the plan.  Not how I thought anyway!

In creating attachment to an outcome, to an idea, we create something incongruent within ourselves.  An expectation.  Cords & pulls towards something we feel we are entitled too.  When that outcome is not met, we feel a sense of loss, an emptiness at something lost, that we didn’t actually have in the first place.  Strange isn’t it?

So if there is no expectation.  More a presence & expanse with living in the now, then there can be no disappointment.  There can only be what is.  A co-creation with the universe & a gratitude for what exists in the now.

The caterpillar doesn’t think – “I’m going to become a butterfly!”
He embarks on this journey because the call is pulling him forth.
He knows that he needs to do this, so he simply does it.
He surrenders.Living in the now
He moves forth without expectation.
Taking one step at a time.
He shows up.
He is not attached to any outcome.
He is here.
He is only here.
We can learn a lot from watching nature and her rhythms.

Living in the now.

 

Our internal thoughts can appear to be a maze of corners, dead ends, expansive openings and whatever else you may not want to look at.
Having the support of someone guiding your delicate infrastructure can bring forth deep clarity.
Contact Heidi via email or message with your curious life questions.
www.heidifirth.com or www.facebook.com

Create Change in the World

To create change in the world, I write for me.  To connect with a story from my soul.
To give my soul a purpose.  I like the idea of having no agenda.

There is so much freedom in no agenda.
The same goes for other areas in life.

When we have no agenda in everything we are free.
Free to be, do, say anything because its affect doesn’t matter.

All that matters is the moment and how we are in the moment.
Because the next doesn’t exist.

Not yet.
Not ever.

There is just this moment now.

An expression of who we are in this moment can only be who we are.  Peace within is the very space we crave.
There is no peace without ourselves first and foremost.

We all long for quiet sanctuary.
Free from mind confines, and tasks, and to do’s.

A moments rest if only for a moment can be peace enough to fulfill desires.

But, what if desires are not fulfilled?
What if longing and a pull forward is where our minds are focused?
What if we are not living a now based life style?
Where are we then?
Where are we existing?

Life is full of experience.
PAST.  PRESENT.  FUTURE.
All are experiences of our humanness.

Learning where and how to work within these can be a key tool to navigate our minds.

Such power tools of destruction they can be if not used respectfully.  Give space to unknowns and dissolve the illusion of control with our mind-work.
When ‘out of control’ is present we need presence.
The dance of polarities.

Such is life.

If there was one without the other, there would be collapse.
If suddenly opposite ends merges – then what?

An introspective BOOM!

Who knows?

The world will change as we on an individual level accept our personal change.

I wish for others to align to their path as and when they are meant to, this, is what I am in a hurry for!
But, this is agenda?

Let us really connect to our inner primate.
Let us truly align to that which brought us here, here to this incredible planet.

Go can go Paleo & eat your grass feed cow, sure.
Please do.

But tell me, would you messy your hands with the blood shed to do so?
This is your primal-ness.

Connect in with that before you preach to the masses about how & where to eat.

Talk to your farmer.
What is their names?
How were they raised?
What is their connection to the land?
Their tribe?
The spirits?
All land has depth.
A Story.
The spirits know this.

Look between the cracks.
The stories we have created about what is right & wrong.

We need to ask deeper, real questions, about what is right for us.
The land.
The planet and great well-being.

It is no longer ok, to accept what we are taught.
For what we are taught does not come from our own guidance.

Our inner guidance knows.
It couldn’t not.

You arrived here knowing this, but somehow forgetting.
Align.  Connect.  Breathe, and give space and the truth will shine through.

It will fill the space and shift the darkness and anything that no longer serves.  create change in the world

Find your inner Guru | ReWiLd Yourself

Expansion into areas of self… could be the key component to find your inner Guru.  Creating change amongst the masses.  We cannot continue how we are.
Busying & filling our lives with tasks, items, social engagements, property, STUFF, on the scale that we are.  These items bring little to no true satisfaction.

We know this story, it is familiar to most.
But breaking out of this paradigm is the unique transition that few make.  The courageous embodiment of living by your words, intentions & a presence greater than yourself, to honor and acknowledge.

Breaking the norm of what exists for us if we follow it, and embarking on that path covered with debris, pain & the crap that we really didn’t want to look at.

Social Media is our biggest catalyst for change, showing us what we need to look at, OR on the equal flip side, showing us what we are running fastest from.

Being in this blessed spirited Silent Retreat, I know for a fact, that I am doing time in the tank.  I am doing the work, looking at my shit, and ploughing on through regardless of what shows up.  10 years prior, this would not have been possible for me.  I wouldn’t have had the emotional strength & resources.  I would’ve surrendered in the throes of my ego story and how I was safely living.

I remember going through my depression journey, it was an achievement to get out of bed for the day.  I didn’t look at it as such, I couldn’t look at my day as a whole.  I had to take that journey hour by hour, sometimes 30 mins by 30 mins.  Anyone who’s experienced depression will understand this simple concept.  One simply cannot function further than the short space of ahead, it is just to debilitating and overwhelming.  Looking at the whole day is enough to send a sufferer back to the bed from which they came.

The journey of shifting paradigms – created by our parents, their parents, and their parents parents…is one that is embedded within us.  It is undeniable and lives within our bodies cellular system.  Which is why I agree even more, that this time, is such a special time to be alive.  A separation is occurring.  A breaking away.  We are now in a position to accept that we are more resourced, maybe overly resourced than EVER before.  We ARE safe.  There is no denying this.
Our only sense of un-safety is from a world that is so ingrained in fear,  that the separation from living within fear, by nature, will bring up ours, before the grande ‘hurrah’ of departure.  The ones left behind living in this bubble, will kick and scream and manipulate their truth, selling themselves, to try to coax us back to them, to confirm that they are ok, and what they are choosing is ok.  Re-feeding the fear within.

But once you’re out.  You are out.  Like Neo in the Matrix, there is no returning back up the rabbit hole.

What is life like once you’re out?  Well friend, this is the great mystery.  It is unique.  It is magic.  It is unwritten.  It is messy.  But guaranteed, you are in for one heck of an adventure.
Life IS messy.
It’s meant to be!
Look at nature by definition.
It is wild, expansive, life giving, beautiful & everywhere.

Us humans are a part of nature, how could we not be?
There is no us and them.
There is only we.
How and when did this separation occur?
When did you loose your beautiful wild messy self?

Images of child like play conjure up.  The days spent playing in the back yard while Mum cooked, cleaned, pottered, created.  Dad was doing Dad things and you, well, you played.  For hours on end.  Messy dirty grass stained feet, the biggest smile and energetic happiness emanating.

Now look at how clean we are.  Cleaning products bountiful, streamlined produce in supermarkets vying for attention at their perfection.  Neatly mowed lawns and manicured gardens.  The commute to work – 1-2 people per car, all heading in the same direction.  Eyes down at smart phone, interested in a reality that isn’t happening now, in REAL time.  What are we doing people.  WAKE UP!!

All these behaviors to keep us separated from who we really are.  But this is the thing – we have lost touch with who we are, we’re so fucking lost!  If you were uplifted from where you are right here and now, and placed in an unknown wild location with nothing but yourself  – how would you cope?  What would your primal nature guide you to do?  Have you met your primal self?  We are so built up in our concrete jungles, surrounded by windows of pretty things down every street.  Look at me, buy me, your life will be better with me.  HELLO!

It is interesting to ponder isn’t it?  The separation between nature & city.  And it is.  Separation.

I open an invitation to you, to re-wild yourself.  And I’m not talking about placing yourself in the wilderness armed with nothing but you – Bear Grylls style.  Not yet anywho.  Can you spend a day outside in nature without your phone.  Can you wear no shoes and feel the earth beneath your feet?  Can you forage for food, begin to learn what food grows naturally & is bountiful.  Can you visit the local farm from where you purchase your grass-feed, free range meat?  Can you rise with the sun & sleep as it goes down.

What are some ways you can connect back into natures rhythms, slowly, realistically before you are really smacked in the face?

find your inner guru

Being your own guru – within your family unit…

Well let me tell you, I’m sure this topic has been years in the making!

I left New Zealand when I was a mere 20 years old.  Bright eyed and bushy tailed – ready to take on the world.

I had a one way ticket to London, England and all I knew was that I had a 2 year working Visa and was booked on a 14 day Contiki tour.

Today, some 16 years later, I sit here, back home in Te Awamutu, New Zealand, and reflect on this journey that has proceeded me.

I do know that on some level I left NZ in search of something, and through my travels, I discovered that that something was myself.  I have found myself, and so perhaps this is why I now find myself home.

My story reminds me of the book – Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist.
If you haven’t heard of it, click the link above, or read the copied text below from Amazon.com;

“Brazilian storyteller Paulo Coehlo introduces Santiago, an Andalusian shepherd boy who one night dreams of a distant treasure in the Egyptian pyramids. And so he’s off: leaving Spain to literally follow his dream.

Along the way he meets many spiritual messengers, who come in unassuming forms such as a camel driver and a well-read Englishman. In one of the Englishman’s books, Santiago first learns about the alchemists–men who believed that if a metal were heated for many years, it would free itself of all its individual properties, and what was left would be the “Soul of the World.” Of course he does eventually meet an alchemist, and the ensuing student-teacher relationship clarifies much of the boy’s misguided agenda, while also emboldening him to stay true to his dreams. “My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer,” the boy confides to the alchemist one night as they look up at a moonless night.

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself,” the alchemist replies. “And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.” –Gail Hudson –“

So here I am in my Mum & her husbands home.  Feeling like the 20 something year old I was when I left, likely less an ego than then.  Perhaps I have reached a crux in my quest, where I can no longer continue the way that I was. Very much an independent traveler, determined to change the world all on my own.  Though I have learnt that this is not possible.  One person changing the world is no small feat, nor is it likely possible.

Being home in a family unit brings a new set of challenges I have avoided most of my adult life.  Feeling and acknowledging the family wounds.  It has been easy (in a sense), to travel the world alone and acknowledge my own self and the experiences that have come to make me unique.  Everything that I have written in my blog to date has likely been a glimpse into my inner workings and what has supported me to unlock who I am and my gifts to the world.

What are these gifts worth when they are hidden behind a computer screen, behind words, behind a fancy website (not that mine is), behind branding and a perception one wishes to be viewed by the world?  I don’t know?  Perhaps a lot, perhaps nothing, perhaps something?

These are my thoughts as I sit here.  Perhaps healing the world isn’t necessarily about what I project out into my Social Media.  Perhaps is lays in the challenge & familiar/unfamiliar ground of being me where it all began?  What a concept that is!  Slotting back into my family unit.  Mum, Sister, Nieces + Nephew – to teach what I have learnt.  To create a new paradigm for family relationships and interactions.  When friends and family are the most important cards on our tables, do we really give them the value that we so think they hold?

Spending hours at a job we may not really enjoy, simply to get the pay cheque at weeks end.  What fulfillment is there when this is what we align too?  How many hours of the week are lost to something that is passionless, or a mere gateway?

I’m not suggesting throwing it all in on reading of my words, but simply invite enquiry of what is it that invokes passion and life!  I sit here reflecting on this very question today.  So I’m not saying I have the answers.  I definately have the questions and am open to the answers – as I KNOW there is another way.  I just know it in my soul.  I didn’t come here to work in a job being unfulfilled.  I came here for a reason, for a purpose.  I want to LOVE my life, and love every moment of it.  Even the tough stuff.  And right now, I will admit, I am in a seemingly interesting situation;

36 years old and living at home with my Mum, unemployed.
But you know what?  That is one way to look at it.
Another way; I have spent 16 years living away from my family – I am now living with & spending quality time with my Mother & family – who I love & adore – I have the opportunity to help her with tasks & such, and in between, I get to write and reflect – plant seeds + create – which I LOVE!

Pretty sweet huh?!

I think so.

Here’s to unfolding new ways of living & being in this world. <3

being your own guru within your family unit

My experience with Landmark & why I’ve come home to NZ

So I’m in New Zealand after a whirlwind of events sees me here.

About a week ago, I returned home to Victoria BC, after spending a weekend in Vancouver attending a 5 day course in the name in The Landmark Forum.

To my knowledge, millions of people around the world have participated in this course, so you may have even heard of it?

Working for lululemon athletica, it is something that every employee gains the opportunity to attend as it is seen as something of value for one’s personal development. Chip Wilson, founder of lululemon took away grand insights into the way he was as a person, which then affected how he ran his company. Since then, lululemon employees across the globe get to experience this course after having worked for the company for 8 months.

Lets cut to the chase. I was pretty curious about what this was going to offer me. After having completed 2 intensive diplomas – each 2-4 years in duration to complete, one in Transformational Life Coaching & the other in Energy Healing – I knew I couldn’t and didn’t know it all, but was naturally curious – what would this course offer me?

Landmark breaks life down into a really simple structure, which make you reflect on yourself. It invites you to look at all the stories you’ve created, which have made up your life, and ask yourself “what is really real here”?

I got this part. I’ve been self reflecting for a good 10 years now, and know myself pretty thoroughly. But this method that they were teaching, was just so bang on, that one had to ask, well, what really IS real?

I have come to know that I am Heidi. Maybe not from this planet, maybe from some other light galaxy, incarnated into a human form in this lifetime to support people waking up to who they are. I appear light, bright, happy & personable. My purpose in life is to show others that they are their own gurus, their own healers so to speak. I knew that heading into this course.

Coming out of it on Tuesday night. I was absolutely that light being. Feeling like I could inspire change with a single conversation. Feeling like I was a world changer. Which isn’t a terrible thing, however that power can contain ego if one is not to careful. Posting on social media like a show off, running around your day like a mad fool, touching and inspiring all who subconsciously call for your help.

I returned to work on Wednesday, and was floating like a newly awakened being.  I initiated very real conversations everywhere I stepped. A guest would comment on her weight, and I wouldn’t hesitate to get into the nitty gritty of what was happening and have her share what was in her way. You begin to notice how random strangers will drop the tinniest of hints which are a cry for help. They may not be aware of it, but to the listening ears, you hear every word & tone.

I had a short shift that day where I felt like I was on fire.  Chatting to colleagues and guests, left right and centre. Stirring up change everywhere I went & with every conversation. I respected those who didn’t engage in conversation, and those that did – held the conversation as long as invited by them.  It all felt very free flowing and intuitive.  My lunch break rolled around and I suddenly wasn’t feeling well. I actually felt like I was going to die. Intense I know! So I called Neil and asked him to pick me up as this was how I was feeling.
> I won’t elaborate on this story & feeling of dying just yet. It leads into another existential story, – I’ll share it another time, or save this for myself.

Fast forward to the next few days. What goes up, must come down. There is a balance to life, a polarity to everything. Hot/Cold, Light/Dark, Happy/Sad – you get it…

With such an inspired high, there had to be the equivalent low. What I unknowingly had tapped into were memories from my past. My early childhood past. Now these are not horrible by any means. But lets just remind ourselves here, how does a child react when they are upset? What if he/she doesn’t get their own way? They throw a tantrum right? They express their anguish fully without hesitation! Lets just leave that example a seed of what was to come.

About 2-3 days of exploding like a child. Anger, Fear, Frustration, Sadness, Grief… No ego restrictions on releasing the ‘pain’ of my childhood. I didn’t know what was happening, and neither did my dear partner Neil.

He had come to his wits end with my behavior, and didn’t know what to do with me. He was scared & frightened – and understandingly so.  He’d spoken to his friends and they advised him to simply take me to the nearest hospital – get me dosed up on medication.

Neil knew I wouldn’t want that, so swallowed his pride (I imagine?) and called my Mum at home in NZ. Fast forward this part of the story, and here I am, with Neil & Mum, in Te Awamutu, New Zealand.

They have both been super worried about me, and want to know tangible results about why I acted out of character, so yesterday took me to a local Dr who listened to this story. He sent me for blood tests, in which the results should come through tomorrow some time.

There are so many other parts to this story which I will share in time, if the time is right.

Parts where I could hear various people, living & passed over, speaking through Neil to me. Lucid dream states where I saw various Spirit Animals show up to support the release of our pain. Even in awake states, various animals showed up to help us move through stuff. Animals such as Squirrels, Raccoons, Ravens, Dogs, a marvelous spider who weaved his magical web to protect our home, and even a Cougar making itself seen throughout Victoria that weekend.

I thought I was a shaman, moving various rocks and such around my home, orchestrating a change in the world, and a healing of the planet. I chanted, sang, drummed and played my Spirit Flute as needed, and heard the neighbors drum & tap in support of something they’d long wished for. I dreamt that I was one of 4 shamans overseen by one head shaman who would eventually invite us to his home in California to discuss these dreams & experiences, and go through an initiation process.

It has been a wild ride, and that description doesn’t even cut it.

The human brain is wild and mysterious, and after this experience, I really don’t think it should be pushed the way that it was at Landmark. I am speaking for myself exclusively. I cannot speak for others.

My takeaway from this, is DO NOT hurry your personal development! Be gentle, be compassionate, be nurturing, be LOVING. LOVE yourself as you would love another, how you would want to be loved in the world. Be that & that is all that you need to be. LOVE.

As a side note here; if you are experiencing any challenges based on dealing with your past, please reach out to me for support.  I understand how confusing it can be & how those around you may not understand.  I am available via Skype & Email at this stage.  heidi.firth | heidi.firth11@gmail.com

My experience at The Landmark Forum

Why I question EVERYTHING!

For the love of god!

Question EVERYTHING!

A few conversations have popped up at work recently where I hear people answer;

“they said we can’t”
“we’re not allowed too”, or variations of these sentences.

I always like to reply back to this statement with;

“why?”
“who is ‘they’?”
“what is the reason?”

Working within a company who values Entrepreneurship – I don’t hear entrepreneurship within these words.

I very rarely use this word to describe someone, unless they are a truly awakened individual, inspiring change and walking their talk – leading by example.

I believe one who is, to be a free thinker, one who lives outside the box, one who doesn’t conform to the norm, who makes their own rules as they go and is not afraid of what anybody else thinks about what they do.  They stand out from the crowd, they will be the leader out in front – making the noise – pissing others off – or raising the crowd to cheers!

I guess why I’m bring this topic up, is I am finding myself beginning to think like this now.  I question everything, and agree with very little these days.  I am not so quick to agree for the sake of being pleasant and keeping the boat afloat, I am becoming more and more comfortable with disagreeing and expressing my view on why I don’t agree.

I have been finding it interesting, observing myself standing out more & more, shining my sense of freedom for being able to chose.  I still feel I have some final shackles to shake, but the light is at the end of the tunnel of this awakening journey – I can see it.  It is in the form of Bali – in one months time.

This is THE awakening process – awakening to our freedom and free thought.  There are conspiracy theories of mind control through the media, food & every other means.  Our senses have been dormant for centuries and now with the awakening of souls across the globe, there is a grand shift concurring.  There is no denying it.  It is seen in Wayne Dyers’ Movie – The Shift, Blogs & You Tube videos across the internet, social media feeds – books, banners, posters, serendipitous moments.

The information is available to all who are ready.  It only takes a simple question, to align your intention to attract in the very tools that you need.

To question anything in life, paves way for a fork in our road.  Keep taking the path you’ve always taken, and remain safe, comfortably uncomfortable.  Or take the new path, that is unwritten, unexplored, diving deep into the depths of your soul & purpose.  Come head to head with your fears that mask your greatest gifts and deepest desires.  Live a life so fulfilling you cannot even begin to imagine it!

I took that turn, down the unknown path.  It has been dark, uncomfortable and confronting.  Though there is a knowing in my heart & soul that it is RIGHT.  Nothing can shake this.  I know that I am ploughing my way through the debris that has kept this path hidden, but in time, the light will shine through, brighter than it has every shone before.

I might call this Bali, as my trip is booked & I am off to be embraced by her again, but this is merely just the beginning!

I will be stepping forth into the unknown, jumping with both feet and arms into the air, calling upon the whole universe to catch me and carry me forward.  I co-create this life with its magic, and know that I have been creativity orchestrated to shine my light, inspiring others to follow.  My life & its design is unique and like no other.  I have a perfect set of circumstances that will support others to open to the gifts within theirs.

As I have written before;

“The journey inward may not be a comfortable one, but it sure beats being unhappy, and is a heck of a lot more soul satisfying.”