Conversations on sex and self pleasure

Conversations recently are beginning to amp around the topic of sex and relationships.  Perhaps it’s that Venus has recently been in Retrograde, so she’s been digging up all the stuff we needed to release and transform, preparing us for another step forward in the journey of self love and awareness.

I’m loving it, because some beautiful experiences have recently come my way.  A beautiful intimate experience with another and satisfying conversations with girl friends, breaking down the aftermath of insights preceding it.  It’s touched on a really deep desire to talk about and explore the intricate nature that are intimate relationships.

From the conversations had with another, to the nitty gritty of what happens in the bedroom.  What this comes down to I believe, is that it’s not a topic we have been encouraged to explore and learn about since the day we were old enough to understand, what is sex & where do babies come from?

I was given a picture book which illustrated dogs and puppies to humans and babies, my girlfriend nods in acknowledgement that she too was given a book.  We’re taught in school that girls get periods and to put a cotton tampon in your vagina each month and BAM that’s pretty much it, oh and to take the contraceptive pill if you’re sexually active.

There’s no information about about moon cycles, red tents, TSS – toxic shock syndrome, how to manage emotions, the emotional healing and clearing of the month, and forget about the magical wonder of being a Woman.  (I don’t mean to section out Men right now.  I do think there should be the equal education for Men, however at present I am reflecting on my personal story to date – as, I am a Woman).

We’re not taught about female pleasure, orgasms, yin/yang energy, kissing, boundaries or the importance of communication and the differences between Males and Females.  Think Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.  Nope, it’s just a make things up as you go kinda deal.  Which really, is life in general, learning to fly as you’re building the plane.  I’m not finger pointing or making our parents or teachers wrong, just merely pointing out the ‘what if’ it was different?

What if we were taught?  What if, we start teaching now?

I am sure that I am not the only one who grew up not having a clue about any of this.  I remember discovering my orgasm by accident and feeling such guilt that I had touched myself to do so.  It took me years to remove that self created pattern from my body.

They say that only about 57% of Woman can orgasm through intercourse, and can only orgasm through direct clitoral stimulation.  I personally believe there’s a whole underground to uncover here.  One of the main themes being of shame and worth.  Shame and worth to receive pleasure.  To allow the expansive nature of surrender and receive from your partner.  This merely being the trigger to unlock the depth of generational wounding from our history as Woman.  No wonder period pain is classified ‘normal’ in this day and age.

Let me make it clear that period pain is NOT normal!

Even now my conversations with my girlfriends still hold an element of feeling like we don’t have the power to state what it is that we like and don’t like.  There seems to be this age old pattern of the Man initiating the act, and leading the sex the way he likes it, we simply follow and often times feel unsatisfied afterwards.  We don’t say anything because quite likely, we simply do not know what it is we like, or are fearful to ask for what we want, so we follow the grain and do what we’ve always done.

I am grateful that I’ve been exploring my personal pleasure for a while now, and have learnt what I like.  I’ve learnt a lot about my body, and the intricacies of subtle energy and how they beautifully play together.  I know my body, and I will always continue to learn.  But who knows this stuff if 1) it’s not taught, or 2) you haven’t taken the initiative to explore yourself?  Perhaps it’s the ever curious adventurous Sagittarian in me that is on the quest for more, more, more?!

So now fast forward, into the adults that we’re meant to be.  Collectively there is this conversation that is happening about the Men not doing xyz, not being present, not communicating, not being available etc etc… But the way I see it is, how are we not working together?  I feel like in each moment, we are only ever learning, and if we’re not open to learning and being vulnerable, well then your mind is filled with preconceived ideas about a thing which is based on your agenda or an outcome you want.  Therefore missing the beauty that is really unfolding in that very moment.

Every conversation and relationship is but a step forward in our own personal evolution of self.  To come away from an interaction with thoughts about what the other didn’t do, or wasn’t available to do, is only a mirror for our own self to explore.  99% of the time.

So where does it all start?

Personal development, self time and reflection and yes physical exploration.  What do you like, what don’t you like AND can you communicate that to your partner.  What arises in the act of this?

Fear, embarrassment, hurt, pain… What a wonderful pot of mud to jump in and explore.  Maybe on the precipice of it, it may not look it beautiful, but Ooooohhhh the Ooooooh at the other end of it will be well worth your time.  Believe me!

I’ll leave you with some links for wonderful people already out in the world doing this work;

Layla Martin
John Wineland

So much love x

conversations on sex

My Proven Weight Loss Tip

In my years of being a Trainer, the proven weight loss tip I’ve ever learnt and applied was,

“Chew your food mindfully in peace and quiet,
until it turns to liquid before you swallow”.

In doing so, each organ in your body carries out its designated role in the eating & digestion process.  The mouth for chewing & savoring the taste of your food, the stomach for breaking down chewed particles, the small intestine for absorption of nutrients & minerals, and the large intestine for releasing the waste.

In slowing our chewing, not only do we create time to enjoy our meal, appreciate what nutrition we’ve chosen to nourish our bodies with, the earth it has grown in. We also give our stomach the time it needs to tell our brain that it feels satiated, which means we’ve eaten enough.  Therefore we don’t over eat more than is needed.  We don’t receive this message way past having already eaten everything on our plates.  We are often conditioned to eat everything that’s on our plate, despite our bodies telling us we’re full.

In listening to our bodies feelings of fullness, we also get to eliminate some digestive programs that occur from not chewing our food correctly.  Leaky gut, constipation, acid re flux, gas, bloating, burping, abdominal pain, indigestion to name a few.

Because I changed how I chewed my food, my meal portions dropped, my tummy felt less bloated, and I dropped excess weight.  I was no longer eating more than I needed, and was able to shed additional kilos my body was holding onto.

This simple change is easier than trying to change many dietary things at once.”My Proven Weight Loss Tip

Heidi Firth is a Personal Trainer, Transpersonal Coach & Energy Healer.
Her passion is to inspire others to connect with their inner wisdom, their Inner Guru.

www.heidifirth.com
https://www.facebook.com/be.your.own.guru.worldwide/
https://www.instagram.com/be.your.own.guru/

 

What should I be eating daily?

Welcome to the first post in a series of Facebook/Blog Posts on a variety of topics to support you in aligning to the Guru that you are.  Mondays topic is – You are what eat – Food & Nutrition – What should I be eating daily.

This is the first Monday that Be Your Own Guru has touched on this topic, and as I’m sure you are well to aware of, is a BIG one!

There is SO much information available to us, in fact it is overwhelming how much information there is.

Articles, research & blogs saying eat this, don’t eat this. Be Vegan, Eat Paleo – it’s any wonder the majority of people don’t know what to do and are seeking answers externally.

I witness a massive online demand from people in search of diet plans from Professionals. How can someone on the other side of the world, have the slightest idea what your body will need nutritionally, energetically & climately (yes I made up a word), yet takes your money in exchange for your loss of personal power? How are these ‘Professionals’ really aligned to health?

Food & Nutrition goes so much deeper than calories in & calories out. There are crucial elements such as where the meat was sourced, how it lived in harmony with the planet, what food it ate during it’s life cycle, if vegetables were grown in organic soil, what the farmers practices were in growing & harvesting, their transportation method & how long ago the produce was harvested before it was cooked.

Now I KNOW this is a lot of information to consider for one single meal, so there is absolutely no expectation to go out into your day and expect to follow all of this, let alone authentically care to know. We will expand slowly on these topics in the coming weeks. As with any area of our life, it takes learning to look at ourselves first, before we have the capacity to extend our thinking to others.

My food journey started with cleaning up my diet in preparation for a Body Building competition. Before that, I was a cardio junkie who ate carb dominant foods because I was also a sugar junkie hiding from her emotions. I had no connection to myself, only a one track mind that was focused on running harder & faster. (More on this in future posts). When my trainer told me to cut all sugar from my diet, I did – though I felt as though I had been hit by a train. There were no blog articles or Instagram feeds to teach me about detoxing effects.

Without going into my whole food story right now, the key ingredient I learnt over time, was to listen to what my body needed. Sure I did study & learn various tools, but essentially those tools supported me to attune with what I needed, and from there, it has evolved.
No one can or should tell you what your body needs, only you can do that. Once you tune into your innate knowing, you will live in harmony & balance with your body as only you can.

So the exercise…
Get your hands on a copy of the Metabolic Typing Diet by William Wolcott
http://www.metabolictyping.com/
Within this book there is a questionnaire which will test your Metabolic Type.
From here, it will teach you what ratios of Protein, Carbohydrates & Fats to eat in each meal.

This will support in maintaining balanced blood sugar levels through your day which will offer optimal energy. No sugar peaks, or troughs bringing on cravings for more of the same.

In time, you will come to know your bodies messages, whether you needed more or less fats or proteins, if you’re really craving sugar or need to sit with the craving feeling and notice if it’s an emotional need.

Your food journey starts with coming to know your body, your bodies messages, and attuning your fuel requirements to give yourself the optimal amount energy.

Stay tuned on Facebook for continued posts this week that elaborate on this topic…

what should I be eating daily?

Getting sick in Bali

I am not one who gets sick, so here’s my share on why getting sick in Bali is a gift…

I listen to my body pretty well, and in doing so, it tells me what I need to do to take care of it on a daily basis.

More and more I surrender into flow, the more I come to know that ‘our’ way of being is so highly action orientated, it often times takes us out of our true nature.

However sometimes something hits, that has the ability to reset one’s whole system, as if pressing the restart button on your phone.  Installing upgrades quickly & making the whole system work efficiently, if not better.

I don’t believe we need to get sick.  I do believe that we have the ability to listen and follow our guidance constantly, and rarely, if ever fall ill to dis-ease.  However we are still human, learning, integrating, listening to new messages, making mistakes and getting things wrong.

I have been bed ridden for a few days this week with some kind of fever.  I felt a few days prior that my well was not full & it needed refueling.  So I pulled in & began resting, taking it easy, but my actions just weren’t cutting it.  In hindsight, I can see I needed to pull right in and keep my energies close to home.  So no social outings & engagements.

I’ve had a number of big changes show up in my world as of late, requesting of me to step up in a big way.  I’m playing the game of trust & surrender.  Trusting that I am taken care of in each moment, which of course I am.  But not knowing how things will work out & show up.

I’m currently living out of 2 x suitcases, staying with a generous friend who has given up her spare room to me until she leaves for Canada early September.  I am living off the small amount of money I have & trusting in myself to create something that allows me to stay longer in Bali, plus carry out the things that I want to do & create.  Most people might make their way home, slide back into a job & plug into the system.  There’s nothing wrong with this, if this is all you trust, but I now know too much to go ‘back’.  There is only forward for me.

So when I discovered a piece of the puzzle last week, that is going to support me with creating my online business, it brought up a stack of my belief patterns.  It was like shining a light so bright on some little gremlins in the middle of the night that they had no other option but to go POOF into a cloud of dust.

getting sick in bali

 

In doing so, I busted through the walls of an old mindset.  But this mind shift still needed to integrate with the rest of my being.  We are body, mind & spirit creatures and things aren’t integrated until they are on all levels.

Enter the quick fire method of getting sick, to burn up the old.  Old patterns are stored on a cellular level within our bodies, and so they need to shift from that cellular level.  We are constantly releasing the old in too many ways than I can list here, but if your body cannot keep up with what you’re shifting.  It will find a way!

So the gift in me getting sick?  I get to rest.  I get to integrate these new beliefs.  I get to be reborn anew.  Sure, being sick is blaaahhh – it feels like arse!  But if it’s for my best & highest good, then I’m in.  It’s enabled me to surrender to the support of friends, receive, rest, remember that life isn’t compartmentalized.

Life is about enjoyment, fun, living on purpose & remembering that we are constantly supported.  To trust in ourselves & to show up for ourselves in every moment.

I used to think that any ‘work’ output should equate to receiving money, an exchange.  That is an old outdated way of thinking – in my belief system.  I now believe that whatever I do, do it with love & enjoyment.  It might not directly equal receiving money, but it’s on the right path moving me forward, and I am always supported.

In Bali I reflect – “What am I doing with my life”?

In Bali I sit reflecting on, “what am I doing with my life?”  I am reminded of how much I LOVED being a trainer and how empowered I felt.  10 years on, how it affects today – I competed in the ANB – Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Competition.  I was at the pinnacle of my Fitness Career and loved working as a Personal Trainer in Sydney, Australia.

Today I recognize, along with my recent Canadian break-up, I have been affected, by seemingly having ‘failed’.  Whilst intellectually I know I haven’t, I have an installed fear within, that has prevented me from stepping forth, again, owning something that I WANT.  I WANT so much to feel this sense of joy & empowerment again, today I met my fear head on whilst speaking with my friend.  I witnessed my fear in committing to something I want, for fear of not being good enough, worthy enough, not my path, for maybe failing again, etc etc.

You see, I had it all mapped out 10 years ago.  I had a business partnership with another.  We signed a 3 year lease on a commercial property to create a Holistic Health Centre.  I was a successful trainer, and well on my way to graduating from my Diploma of Tranformational Coaching.  This was what I wanted!  I was 27 years old & I was doing what I loved!  The sky was the limit!

In October 2006 I went into competition & placed 4th in Women’s Short Figure.  It was a MASSIVE achievement!  My coach suggested I stick at it as my physic was perfect for competing.  Through this time, the relationship I was in ended and we parted ways.

Over the next duration of months, I continued to pour everything into my work and kept my training up, despite the next comp being another year away.  The turning point happened after my Coaching Module – VISION QUEST.  Where we undertake a sacred ceremony of entering into the bush from Dawn to Dusk – setting intentions for what we wish to let go of and welcome into our lives.  I came away from that weekend with my mind blown & my energetic senses high.  I’d gone down the rabbit hole & lost my way back out.

I entered depression for the next 2.5 years & as a result, everything I knew fell apart.  My PT Business died, the friends I knew, fell away.  I had high expenses based on my previous life & the mediocre jobs I was doing barely cut what was needed each week.  I became a recluse hermit.  My training faded and I lost who I thought I was.

I underwent therapy through this time & it was baby steps in the dark.  I didn’t know if I was moving forwards, backwards or even if I was moving at all?  Mostly I felt I wasn’t.  Eventually as I pulled through, my confidence was shattered, and I took whatever jobs I could to survive.  Personal Training felt so far from me, it was a distant object.

This was 2009/10, and ever since has been a gradual step forward.

Wrapido to Nature Care College.  Nature Care College to lululemon.  lululemon to Canada.  Canada to New Zealand.  New Zealand to Bali Silent Retreat.

Each role, each location, bringing me closer and closer to ME.  The real & authentic ME.   Each place, rich & full with life lessons & experiences not possible in a classroom.

Now, sitting here in Bali, after being ‘born’ from my 8 month Bali Womb, I sit and wonder what is next?  There is no backwards, there is no sideways, there is only forwards.  I am done being a paid employee, I am done being dictated with plans & someone else’s ‘to do’s’, I am done with being 2nd best!!!

NOW!

NOW!

I must step forward, I must face my fear of failure, I must feel it and step forward regardless.

I MUST.

I MUST.

After all, what is a life worth living if we haven’t truly lived?

I don’t know how to do this?  I don’t know how to start again?  I only know I have to.  I have to!

Anything less & I do my soul a severe injustice.

And so being my own guru is where this is at!

The only way forward is through.

It’s time to be my OWN GURU!

In Bali I sit asking - "what am I doing with my life?"

 

Ego & Silence meet… What happens?

When Ego and Silence meet, magical occurrences can happen.

Parts of ourselves become present in our minds eye, we may never have had the pleasure of meeting before.

Much like how our Apps hum along in the background of our smart phones, so too do these parts of ourselves, our ego.

They use energy subconsciously, they have been magnetizing your very life experiences.  Creating it, drawing situations closer & closer.
To create the very moment.  This very moment… in Silence where you shall meet it.

This is the personal development path.  To come to know yourself, to meet your untruth, to pave the way for THE truth, the truth of who you really are in the world.

So as you meet your yourself, your hidden subconscious, you receive the opportunity to meet who has been running the show.  Your monkey mind creator – if you will.

They may not be pretty, but these separated elements of your psyche, created by experiences in life, during developmental stages;
Infant, Toddler, Adolescent, Teenage – pivitol moments that bonded themselves in our cellular memory.
Or perhaps deeper, older?  Past Life, Generational Contracts, In Utereo… Who’s to say?

But you are here.  You are brave.  Courageous.

You are meeting YOU.  Who you are manifest in the world.

Your journey.

All humans are seekers.  Seeking our truth.  From truth, we can make conscious choice.  Choices in life, choices aligned to our greater good.  Your greater good.

There is infinite wisdom connecting with your magnetic subconscious.  It knows, even if your mind does not understand.

You can feel it.

And so, you know…

 

+ Before we meet these hidden parts of ourselves, we don’t even know they exist.  They operate subconsciously, behind the scenes, but driving us.  It is not until we are in Silence, or triggered by an external person or experience, that they arise to the surface.
+ If you need support in recognizing behaviors you know are not working for you.
Email or Message Heidi at www.heidifirth.com

meeting parts of your ego

Grief Friend you are Welcome

Have you noticed how grief can be a trickster at times?

Disguised in one form, dressed as another.

Like an unannounced house guest, he knocks at the door, packed bags in hand, you answer in your underwear, the house a mess, you’re unprepared.  “Hello friend, I am Grief.”

He has come to visit.  To turn him away would be unheard of, perhaps a crime.  He never quite says what he needs, why he’s here, or how long he’ll stay for.  But you welcome him in, albeit reluctantly.  You both take a seat on the couch and he starts the conversation.

“How are you friend?”

You give your surface level reply.  “I’m good, I’m busy with work, friends, social situations, family.  I’m grateful for everything & everything is fine.”

He responds, “Is that right?  Tell me about how you’ve been feeling during your evenings alone?”

Something clicks inside.  You know exactly the feeling he is referring to.  You’ve been binging on chocolate & Netflix each night, in an avoidance of feeling this now named feeling.

“Tell me about THAT feeling he says, compassionately, lovingly.”

You sit for a moment.  For maybe the first time, tuning into that discomfort that resides in your body.  Uggghhh – there it is.  That heavy weight sitting, waiting…  Your breathing drops…  Your heart rate present – now seemingly louder…  You feel the energy expand outwards from this rock like weight.  Tears are forming behind your eyes, it’s coming…

You can’t hold back, nor would you want to.  You’ve wanted to acknowledge this, to feel this pain, you’ve just secretly been afraid.  The heavens pour down and you’re running with it.  Tears are falling down your face just like melting ice in your hot hand on a Summers day… your stomach contracts & heaves, as does your whole body in unison.  Your mind is blank in this moment, you have found relief.  In complete surrender to your bodies natural seasonal change – this emotional state.

Grief sits there quietly, very still.  Just looking upon you gently, lovingly.  A companion who has your back.  You continue to cry, beginning to wonder if there will be an end to this heaviness?

 

Time has passed some.  You’ve witnessed new insights drop into your mind, ah ha’s of what has been held so contained.

Memories from your past floating up from your subconscious.  Making their transition from one realm, to the next.  You can see more clearly, what was hiding.

What you were so frightened of.  It is not so frightening anymore.  Only here.  Present.  Accepted.  Free.  No stories. It is free.  You are free.  You are releasing the old.  The old that has driven you to hide from yourself.  Your truth.

Grief sits.

Placing his hands on your heavy heart.  You feel the ache.  The physical ache that now resides where before, pain sat.

You feel different.  Tired.  Numb.  Sad.  Heavy.

The couch feels good.  Comfortable.

The convulsions have subsided, the tears are now dry.

Your head feels expanded, kinda headachy, like it has just been squashed, but blast open.

Your mind blank.

Sitting…  Starring…  Quiet…  Peace…

Breathing now slow & consistent.  You look at grief, he holds your gaze in return.

“How are you friend?”  he asks.

You return his gaze and answer, “How are YOU friend?”

Grief has been heard.  He has been seen.  He sighs in his recognition.

Together you become one.

grief

Why do I cough and how to shift it

My life externally, is slowly beginning to change, and it is a result of me changing on the inside.

It has been a simple perspective shift that has allowed me to see my external environment differently.

I am finding that I have a deeper gratitude for what already exists.  I knew I needed to move closer towards this.  I could view it while I was in the chaos and destruction of change.  My head would remind me that I needed deeper gratitude.  I could see that I wasn’t giving thanks to all that I have present in my life.  I was merely looking at what I didn’t have, or what I wanted to change.

For example, Neil gives me pretty much anything I want.  I’m not a materialistic person by any means, so its not like I go shopping on his Credit Card.  But I know, if I want anything, I could ask him, and he’d almost give it to me.

He pays the mortgage, he pays the utilities, he pays for the greater percentage of food, all meals out, gas for the car I drive.  He pretty much covers it all.  And here’s me – saying – “I’m not happy”.  Whilst from the outside looking in, one can judge me to be spoilt, lucky, what do I have to be unhappy about, ‘hard done by – as Neil once said.  And yes, I would agree with you.  But it is also VERY important to not undermine, the importance of acknowledging how we feel, despite our environments.

Once upon a time, I had a female client when I was a Personal Trainer.  I viewed her as having the world.  She was a well educated psychologist.  Her husband was (is) a world renowned Author, earning money beyond what most would know, and she was well taken care of.  She owned a Mini Cooper, she shopped regularly at lululemon and other high end stores.  She practiced Yoga daily, had a wealth of friends and family, and basically lived this charmed life, by my judgement.  But little did I know, she wasn’t happy.  Some years later I learnt that tragically, she took her own life. She’d become depressed and felt she was a burden on her husband and those loved ones around her.

This story is a prime example of how we can so easily negate how we are feeling deep down, despite our personal life circumstances.

I believe one of the challenges of our time, is living in this materialistic world, where we are buying more and more things, to fill the void within us.  We pass our emotions off, saying #firstworldproblems, and compare what we have to Joe Bloggs down the road, reminding ourselves we have more than most.  Which may be true, but we fail to acknowledge that deep yearning within us, that needs our attention dearly.

Without our attention, we continue to fill our “god made hole with god knows what” – to quote my counselling teacher – Deborah Womack.

I have been listening to Dr Wayne Dyer speak all morning – and if you’re not aware of his teachings, best you introduce yourself to him.  Sadly he left his body last week, moving on to his next adventure – which he was very excited about.  He has left a legacy behind him, so you can still awaken your soul by listening and watching.  Wayne spent one year, practicing detachment.  Letting go of those material things in his life, that took him further away from himself.

He says “we enter this life with nothing, NoThing, and we leave with nothing, NoThing”.

Notice when we let go of our favorite possessions, food or other, how we might feel.  We can distract ourselves SO greatly by focusing on items outside of ourselves.

So to come back to what I was saying, I could distract myself by looking at my external situation; Neil supports my life, and pays for most of my expenses, and use my ego to make myself feel temporarily better, or I can acknowledge how I’m really feeling underlying this, and explore, what is the real reason I am unhappy?

This was the journey I chose to make.

I have been acknowledging my sadness, which turned into grief, which for me, has turned into a sore throat, and coughing at night.  When we don’t release our emotions completely,  they get trapped in our bodies, and we unconsciously chose to release them that way, ie – this cold I have created.

If we all began to turn our attention inwards, to that inner calling, those deep desires, the language of the soul, we would embark of the greatest journey to date.  We would connect with something greater than ourselves, and flow in our purpose of life, without effort, with grace & divinity.

It may start with a choice to detach from your addictions and material desires, it may start with a meditation practice.  However you choose to start.  Start.

No big things are created without one small step towards it.

Dr Wayne Dyer | why do I cough?

Soul-Full Sundays Interview

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a forum recently, the lovely Carrie, of carriehensley.com asked for volunteers for her popular Sunday Soul-Full Series.

I put my hand up at the opportunity to share my message…

Read the post here.

 

 

 

 

 

If you follow this one step, you’ll have motivation to exercise for LIFE

I don’t like to tell you, the reader, how to live your life.finding motivation to train

Do this, or do that, and you will get xyz.

There are enough ‘GURUs’ and blog sites out there, that will tell you your ‘5 Steps to your dream life’ or ’10 steps to a healthier you’.

Your task, if you choose to accept, is to find your own personal key, so that you can connect to your internal life manual and;

PERSONALLY ANSWER EVERY QUESTION YOU HAVE EVER ASKED!

Back in the day, I operated my life – pretty disconnected from my body, which is kinda funny considering I was worked as a Personal Trainer.

I was head down, bum up, and heading full speed in which ever direction I was facing.

I got shit done, but there was not a lot of balance within the rest of my life.

I thought I was in control, but turns out, I controlled my external life, as a means to feel in control, of an internal world that I was totally out of control with.

My thoughts about myself and food were my main two culprits.
– How I felt about myself.
– How I felt about myself when I ate.

As these thoughts were always forefront, there was often not much room for anything else.

These thoughts drove my life.  How I felt about myself, dictated the amount of exercise I’d do.  How I’d eat, dictated how I felt about myself, and how I controlled or binged.  If I binged, then I had to balance that activity out with more exercise, and so, I was trapped in this cycle that was relentless.

At the time, I thought this was completely normal.  I fit into the Personal Trainer mold, who cared overtly about what she ate, and how she exercised.  I even competed in a Womens Body Building Competition which was the perfect hideout for all of my inner demons to work their magic.  I found preparing for the competition easy in a sense, as I operated from my mind and my behaviors, I wasn’t at all connected to how I actually felt about things.

The relentless exercising and strict eating = I didn’t feel it.
Who I was being in relation to my partner = no idea.
When I injured my shoulder = barely skipped a beat.

Though I’ve noticed this way of being, this type of behavior, has come to be modus operandom or ‘normal’ for a great many people today.

Whether it is a body building competition, or copying the habits of your latest Instagram fitness Guru/s, we live in a world where we have become SO focused on our external environments as a means to making us feel good!

But underneath it all.  The thoughts, food & rigorous exercising, what is really going on?

Often at the core, there is a the lonely, sad, deep need of ours for love and acknowledgement.

It might look different, or slightly similar per individual.

This is the part that drives us.  That drives our need to eat a certain way, to follow a particular exercise trend.

We believe that if we look a certain way, then we’ll be accepted, and we will be loved.  Well, this was my story – the one that was my pilot to my vehicle.

This pilot (inner self), within our vehicle, (body), is what is driving our habits and ways of living.

What we want in life, is dictated by this inner self.

After my competition, I had worked SO hard towards that goal, that slowly as the weeks unfolded, I lost focus.  Of course I was still attentive to my physic, however I no longer had that finish line to strive for.

I slowly kept up with my training, but something deep within me was stirring.

It sat deep within my belly, I put it down to the amount of bread & junk food I was now giving myself permission to consume post competition.  I continued on with my workouts and 80:20 strict eating

A heaviness was growing within me.

Back then I was oblivious to my inner world, and so the ‘strength’ I knew, was to keep pushing through.

I pushed with my workouts.  I pushed with my work.  I pushed with current clients.  I pushed hard in every area of my life.

One by one, my clients began to let go of my services.

My income started to dwindle.

No matter how I tried to conjure up more sessions, it seemed nothing was working for me.

My business partner called a meeting to invite my separation from co-ownership, as she was witnessing my struggle.

I was putting on weight from my increased binges & lack of drive to balance it with intense exercise.

My motivation started waning.

My external world was crumbing and falling apart as I knew it.

And I too was falling apart on the inside, like the World Trade Centre.

I had no idea what was happening to me.

My self esteem was deflating.

I was lost and suffering.

It was somewhere around here, that I begun to regularly meditate.

I had meditated previously, but didn’t have what you would call a regular practice.

Step by step, I began to connect in with my inner world.  My inner self.  My pilot.

She was like a long lost part of me that I had cast aside in a cupboard and thrown away the key.

One can imagine how someone who had been in a cupboard may feel.

She had created the breaking down of my external environment to get my attention to come within to myself.

I now needed to build my relationship with her, and re-create a life that included her in it, not separate to.

My story continues on and on from here…

 

“A life lived in disconnection from our inner selves, is one that does not include our whole essence.  Is one that misses a deep resonance with life & its meaning.  To live and not feel our darkest lows and our highest highs escapes the wonder and magnificence that is being human. Being out of alignment with our inner world, skips wonderous magic that curves the tapestry of our lives… A life without moments of being, is not a life lived at all.  To miss the magic that is our essence, and arrive at the end, is a very very unfortunate realization to wake up too.

I invite the wonder in you, to rise up and challenge the wonder in all of humanity.  Give space to your truth, dive deep, and hold still the rich vastness that is you.  Breathe in your magic and unlock the gates of mystery.  Peace & Love are within us all.  The time is now to rise and uprise”.

 

There are literally THOUSANDS of Meditations on the internet at this wonderful time in our lives.  Why not head over to YouTube and search for one you like.  As a suggestion, try an Inner Child meditation, to support in your connection with him or her.   Here’s a few by one of my favorites, Louise Hay to get you started.

Should you need support in working with your connection to your Inner Child, and anything that arises, please feel free to reach out to me.
I am currently available for One on One sessions.

Heidi
Phone: +1 778-679-6727
Skype: heidi.firth