what am I doing with my life?

It’s now been just over 3 weeks since I left Australia.  I have well & truly landed in Canadia town…

My head has been an array of thoughts, creating confusion, I have been trying to figure it all out, but you know what I’ve learnt.  I can’t.  I can’t figure shit out.  I just have to let it be, it is what it is.

And this is one of the reasons, I think I caught myself a cold.  For 3 days now, I’ve been full up of a running nose, headaches, tickly throat, and today, add coughing into the mix.

This has been such a huge transition, I think I needed to get out of my own way and let it be.

What I have been processing is that all that I knew is now in the past.  Any and all routines are gone, any friends I saw regularly, gone.  The routine of work now complete.  The co-workers, familiar faces, no more.  The networks, the communities, hobbies I connected with, no more. Everything is in the past.  The canvas is blank, awaiting my next brush stroke.  What do I want that to be?  Do I want it to look the same as before?  Or am I ready for something different?  To embrace the new that I’ve been growing into?

I’m just now back from a walk, isn’t walking great – I think it allows an opportunity for new insights to drop in, for things to get clear..  What occurred to me, I spent MONTHS preparing for my departure from OZ, and now that I’m here, all that energetic preparation needs to root itself right?!  As if I can just keep on keeping on once I landed here in Canada.  The momentum of my energy needed to change, no longer preparing to leave, changing to grounding and rooting a new foundation.  Bali was just a break, a holiday from the preparing.

Landing into a new country, semi new relationship, the new energies of that relationship, moving in together/sharing a room/bed/home, new area, new climate, new culture…  Any wonder I feel the way that I do.

One can’t think their way through a change like this…

While I’ve been dancing my way through the above, intertwined in there also, is the million dollar questions of “what am I doing to do with my life!?”  I have followed my heart, and moved to another country, on the opposite side of the world, now what?  The funny thing is, I don’t feel like doing anything.  I don’t feel like joining the masses, into the work force.  Into that false sense of security, joining society, pretending that I’m happy, that I want to live my life this way.  In Bali, magical Bali, I really aligned to a new way of being.  Of how disconnected we have become from the earth.  Since when was it ok to rape the planet of food & resources and not give back to it?  Since when was it ok to not understand the cycles of life & to carry out living as if what was really going on doesn’t matter.

My dear friend Simon, who is the Chef at Bali Silent Retreat – the retreat I stayed at for 2 weeks, is very passionate about using food that is grown local, that supports the locals and what is taken, is given back.  Since my stay in Bali, I find myself now looking at the labels with even more scrutiny than I ever did.  Looking at where each product has come from.  Was it imported, or is it local.  If it’s not local, I don’t want to know about it.  Do you know what of your favorite foods have been imported???  It really puts things into a different perspective.  To consider that foods journey to your side of the world.  What labor went into it’s production, what fuel resources were used to get it to you.  What the cost of this food is to you, vs the locals who have lived on it for centuries.  Take this Quinoa seed story for example.

Simons Land

(This image is of Simons’ land in Bali at Bali Silent Retreat.  It is rich & full of unique structures that support the growth and production of food, the land, the community.  It maintains a cycle that will continue to support all, without one benefiting over the other.  It is simply magic to behold.)

I now no longer want to be a part of the problem, I want to be a part of the solution, so I don’t see how I can continue to plug myself back into the system, the matrix if you will, and continue to pretend that I don’t know, to not take personal responsibility.  Because to continue pretending that I don’t know is now no longer an option.  I am a self responsible individual, I am here to make a difference, to be a part of the solution.

So once I’ve done landing my energy here in this beautiful Northern Hemisphere, and I feel ready to do what it is that I’m meant to be doing on this earth, I wonder where my spirit will guide me?

Watch this space….

Welcome!!

You’ve stumbled upon my very first blog for my very first website.

I have decided that the time is now to get writing and spreading whatever it is that I’m meant to be spreading.  This website has been created without effort and so I have figured that the whole venture should remain the same – without effort.

You will notice that my website is not complete.  It is not ‘perfect’.  In fact, there are bits n pieces everywhere, but you know, that’s ok.  It felt overwhelming to me to get it right before I started writing, before I went live, so the other night I said to my friend, I just want it live.  I want to start.  I have the sneaky suspicion that he thinks I’m nuts.

At this stage in the game, I can’t define what it is that I do.  I know my outcome, but to call it something, seems to shrink the very possibility of the outcome, but at the end of the day, it’s not about what I can do, it’s about what you can do.

Somewhere on this website I have started to write my story, again this is incomplete, but it’s a start.

My intention is that through telling my story, it will inspire you to create change for yourself in your life, whatever shape or form.  It might be to have a better relationship with yourself, or maybe one with your food, or to figure out why the same experience keeps showing up for you time and time again… There are lots of different paths that my journey has been delving me into.

So I’m going to let this have a life of its own and see where it takes me.

If you’re intrigued, follow me and see what happens, it can be like one of those choose your path books that were available when we were kids.  Which way should she go, path A or path B?

So far I know this is about branding me, who I am, and what I’ve done in life so far, so there won’t be any boundaries between personal and professional.  As far as I’m concerned they’re one in the same.  How we do one thing, we do all things.  I’m not going to wear my masks for one job and take them off for another, that’s not living an authentic life to me.

So go ahead, click the follow button, and if you have any thoughts/comments I’d love to hear them.  Let’s make this interactive and fun and see where it takes us.

Much love & health,

Heidi