Not having a Dad has become my greatest gift

Neils’ Dad has been here visiting for the weekend.  He lives in Campellville, Ontario.

I’ve met him twice before when Neil & I visited for Christmas & the packing down of his Mothers’ Condo in Milton.

He’s a lovely man, a real Dad type.  I guess what other type is there really?  I think I mean that he’s what I imagined a Dad to be like?

I never met my Dad, or ever had a Dad figure in my life.

I’ve learnt that it’s no small thing to have never met your Father, whether you’re a Male or a Female.  Both positions can leave a firm imprint on any Adult during their childhood.  For me, I didn’t know that not having a Father was a different way to grow up, until I got to school.  I succinctly remember being in the playground at 5 years of age, and all the other kids were talking about their Dads.  One of them asked me about mine, I replied “I don’t have one.”  In that moment, at my tender age of 5, I felt a distinct separation from me and them, the other kids.  I took on that there must been something wrong with me, for me to not have a Dad.  Huge Moment.  Huge belief set in place.

That untrue belief, from my innocent mind, set the scene for my life.  “There must be something wrong with me.”

I went on to create a life that set me apart from the rest.  Thinking that I was different from others.

I believe that this incident + running from the pain of Sexual Abuse, has seen me roam the world in search of myself. I wouldn’t have said it at the time, but I guess I was seeking something outside of myself, only to be brought back to myself.  Much like The Alchemist story.  At 20 years old, I sure as hell wasn’t ready to look within.  Years of establishing this belief had become my truth.
I had inner dialogues running of; I’m not worthy, there’s something wrong with me, and nobody loves me.

I ran to binge drinking, crazy partying, pill popping… this eventually turned into obsessive exercise/gym habits, a body building competition, & elimination diets & restrictive eating.  I eventually crashed.  This coincided with delving into myself during a Vision Quest that was a part of my Life Coaching Diploma.  I landed depressed for 2.5 years and had no where to turn, but to myself.  Those days were extremely dark & tough going – I didn’t know if I was going to make it through.  I would dream of not being here, not being a burden to anyone. Though they were shit, I wouldn’t take them back.  I’m a richer, loving, more compassionate person because of coming back to myself.

Not all absent Dad stories are the same.  This one is mine.  It has seen me on a journey of transformation.  Of coming back to who I innately am.  This is all there is.  To know who you are at your core is priceless.  I feel like I have finally arrived at a place where I am me.  Who I was born to be in this world.  I am connected to Source daily & am guided, step by step to take my path of purpose.  I need nothing else.

I now do not feel sad for the Father I never knew, I don’t feel angry towards Steve for what he did.  I look at the upbringing I had with deep gratitude.  I remember my Life Coach said that one day I would be grateful for my pain, and see it as a gift.  I understood it intellectually then, but now feel it as truth.

The anger & pain that I held onto, unconsciously, for years has been greatly released.  I am free from digestive issues, I am free from anxiety & fear based ways of being.  I am free to make decisions lead by my heart and choose a life of freedom.

There is no greater gift than FREEDOM!!  Freedom has been my life mantra, now I feel I embody it, rather than chase it.  Ah ho!

Should I meet my Father
Neil & his Dad

Canada vs Australia vs Bali and The Universal Plan

Summer is slowly on her way out, and Fall is beginning to make his way onto the scene.

It is almost without warning that the long hot days have disappeared, being replaced with continual rain & drizzle.

I feel ripped off!

All the Victorian Canadians are talking about what an awesome Summer it has been, and that we’ve been really lucky.

I don’t share their perspective.

I am grateful, don’t get me wrong.  But I have been spoilt.  Spoilt with the long HOT Summers that Sydney Australia knows too well, and I know full well the anticipation they are feeling right now as they enter their Spring – such enthusiasm to be shedding the brief warm layers they’ve worn over their short cool spell.

Can you tell I miss Australia?

I miss the land down under with its Meat Pies, Vegemite Sandwiches, continual hot hot Summers and warm crystal oceans.  Warm Oceans – now there’s a foreign concept to this side of the planet.  I was never a water baby, but now that that privilege has been removed from me this Summer, I suddenly want to be!

Memories and visions of Australia have been dancing through my minds eye this last week. Rising alongside of the grief I mentioned in my last blog post here.  I can’t tell what this all means.  Part of me thinks I am grieving, letting go of the attachment I have to such a rich sun drenched land.  The other part wonders if this is a sign that I should return?

I know that I am undertaking a new beginning in my life right now.  I know that I am ready to make a home and prepare for work that I need to do in the world.  But right now, the only home that I know is the one within.  The one that I have been fighting to come back to, stronger and stronger everyday, since I embarked on my inner journey in 2005.  Some 10 years ago.

This isn’t a bad thing, don’t get me wrong.  In fact its a fantastic thing!  To know that within you is your home, what can really compare to that?  To feel comfortable in your own skin, wherever you go.  Much like a snail with its house on its back, so are we, with our homes in our hearts.  It seems the further and further we are from ourselves, the more we accumulate in our environments, and the closer and more connected we are to our hearts, the less we need in our environments.

Imagine if we all came from our hearts – how different the world would be.  Not just from a materialistic viewpoint, but literally living from our hearts – being guided by that which knows our path, each and every moment, of every day.

See this is the thing.  My content.  My story that I am sharing to you, really doesn’t matter.  Its simply that, a story. One that my head, my ego has created to entertain my mind, to give it something to do, because if it doesn’t have something to do, then what is there?  Space.  Big ole SPACE.  Space for the Universe to drop right on in with greater insights and meaning than the mind can fathom.

I love reminding myself of this truth.  As it reminds me that there is something far bigger than what we think we are doing.  It reminds me that I am supported beyond measure, that there is a grand plan for me, and if I can just step out of the way, I will be shown this plan, step by step.

I have these words within my meditation shrine;

“What you can plan is to small for you to live”

It reminds me there are far greater things that I am destined for, things that I cannot even fathom!  Which is so freaken exciting!

And so my story, the one that I began writing previously to these words, reads;
“I feel split between being in Canada where my cute boy is, setting up our home & creating a family & life.  Returning to Sydney where I know the sand is warm, golden & the blue skies go on for days.  Travelling to Bali to embark on a type of quest, jump off the metaphorical cliff, and begin to make tracks in the direction of the horizon.  All are beautiful options, and all intrigue and excite me.  Is it possible to have my cake and eat it too?  I am discovering that this is true and absolutely possible, however right now, I feel this split.”

This is my story.  The story my head is filling itself with.  The distraction from the space within that is ready, receptive to its next command from the grand Universe.  I love words.  I love stories.  They are interesting.  They are life.  But when there is work to do, a purpose, the command becomes a greater excitement, fulfillment than the stories we create, share and elaborate on.

Manly Beach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In case you were wondering what answer landed in the space…

BALI!  Here I come…

What my coughing really means..

My life externally, is slowing beginning to change, and it is a result of me changing on the inside.

It has been a simple perspective shift that has allowed me to see my external environment differently.

I am finding that I have a deeper gratitude for what already exists.  I knew I needed to move closer towards this.  I could view it while I was in the chaos and destruction of change.  My head would remind me that I needed deeper gratitude.  I could see that I wasn’t giving thanks to all that I have present in my life.  I was merely looking at what I didn’t have, or what I wanted to change.

For example, Neil gives me pretty much anything I want.  I’m not a materialistic person by any means, so its not like I go shopping on his Credit Card.  But I know, if I want anything, I could ask him, and he’d almost give it to me.

He pays the mortgage, he pays the utilities, he pays for the greater percentage of food, all meals out, gas for the car I drive.  He pretty much covers it all.  And here’s me – saying – “I’m not happy”.  Whilst from the outside looking in, one can judge me to be spoilt, lucky, what do I have to be unhappy about, ‘hard done by – as Neil once said.  And yes, I would agree with you.  But it is also VERY important to not undermine, the importance of acknowledging how we feel, despite our environments.

Once upon a time, I had a female client when I was a Personal Trainer.  I viewed her as having the world.  She was a well educated psychologist.  Her husband was a world renowned Author, earning money beyond what most would know, and she was well taken care of.  She owned a Mini Cooper, she shopped regularly at lululemon and other high end stores.  She practiced Yoga daily, had a wealth of friends and family, and basically lived this charmed life, by my judgement.  But little did I know, she wasn’t happy.  Some years later I learnt that tragically, she took her own life. She’d become depressed and felt she was a burden on her husband and those loved ones around her.

This story is a prime example of how we can so easily negate how we are feeling deep down, despite our personal life circumstances.

I believe one of the challenges of our time, is living in this materialistic world, where we are buying more and more things, to fill the void within us.  We pass our emotions off, saying #firstworldproblems, and compare what we have to Joe Bloggs down the road, reminding ourselves we have more than most.  Which may be true, but we fail to acknowledge that deep yearning within us, that needs our attention dearly.

Without our attention, we continue to fill our god made hole with god knows what – to quote my counselling teacher – Deborah Womack.

I have been listening to Dr Wayne Dyer speak all morning – and if you’re not aware of his teachings, best you introduce yourself to him.  Sadly he left his body last week, moving on to his next adventure – which he was very excited about.  He has left a legacy behind him, so you can still awaken your soul by listening, watching.  Wayne spent one year, practicing detachment.  Letting go of those material things in his life, that took him further away from himself.

He says “we enter this life with nothing, NoThing, and we leave with nothing, NoThing”.

Notice when we let go of our favorite possessions, food or other, how we might feel.  We can distract ourselves SO greatly by focusing on items outside of ourselves.

So to come back to what I was saying, I could distract myself by looking at my external situation; Neil supports my life, and pays for most of my expenses, and use my ego to make myself feel temporarily better, or I can acknowledge how I’m really feeling underlying this, and explore, what is the real reason I am unhappy?

This was the journey I chose to make.

I have been acknowledging my sadness, which turned into grief, which for me, has turned into a sore throat, and coughing at night.  When we don’t release our emotions completely,  they get trapped in our bodies, and we unconsciously chose to release them that way, ie – this cold I have created.

If we all began to turn our attention inwards, to that inner calling, those deep desires, the language of the soul, we would embark of the greatest journey to date.  We would connect with something greater than ourselves, and flow in our purpose of life, without effort, with grace & divinity.

It may start with a choice to detach from your addictions and material desires, it may start with a meditation practice.  However you choose to start.  Start.

No big things are created without one small step towards it.

Dr Wayne Dyer

I have cracked wide open

Today there is not to much else to do or understand, but just be and write a little.

It feels like everything is coming to a head, and life as I currently know it is changing, not before my eyes – because that actually hasn’t happened yet – but on my insides.

Since doing a breath work/sound healing yesterday afternoon, it has brought up all the emotions attached to my current situation.  (in case you haven’t read anything; the ‘up in the air-ness’ of my love relationship, my purpose/job/career, my country location…) Three very big life topics to look at at the same time.

I am feeling slightly split open, cracked, cloudy, foggy, unclear, sad, frustrated, sometimes angry, introspective, just to name a few.

This morning I don’t know what to do with myself.  Simple feels like a great place to start, so I have meditated, and now I am writing as I heat my breakfast and sip on lemon water.

I had a lovely supportive chat with Lynne yesterday afternoon – she reminded me of how the ego often needs to crack so that new life can pour in.  I’ve experienced this once before in my life, and that was in about 2008 – the time in my life when I became depressed & I can compare it to that time – minus the depression – thank god!

Its like trying to think a thought or ask a question – and all you see is blank unlimited space.

What should I do today? Blank Space

What do I feel like doing? Blank Space

Its an interesting place to be.  Hence pulling it back to simplicity.  Something I think my mind failed with when I entered depression.  That over thinking, need to know, brain of mine…

Its when the blankies hit “Blank Space”, then one resorts to a moment by moment affair of what one (me) wants to do with her time.

Which in essence, is all there ever is.  This moment in time.  The next does not exist yet & never will, until it then becomes the present moment.

We strive to achieve this type of presence in meditation.  Being in the here and now, connecting with breath & as I always like to do, my guides/angels & the magic that exists in the spaces between worlds.

Though, this said, lets not discount our minds and how much struggle they can go into & cause us when they are no longer needed (in this sense).

They have been built on us trying to create our lives in our minds.  I will live in this country, with this partner, I’d like to do this in the world, and earn this much money, so that we can go on holiday, live a bountiful life and feel happy…

Uh uh – this doesn’t even exist – our minds have created this scene based on past experiences & future ideas for pure entertainment pleasure – so that we can trick ourselves in magically feeling safe in the world.  This is the life that I want to live and am working towards – therefore I am SAFE!  When the reality is, life is lived moment by moment, it happens to us as a co-creation with us.

What I’m writing is so not anything new – no new concept to you at all, however it is the execution of it, that makes it all the more powerful.  Dropping ideas and conditioning and surrendering to the unknown and what life will gift us.

I shared a conversation with my neighbor the other day.  We were talking about drinking and why people drink.  She told me that she finds life boring, so having a drink is something has makes her feel good.  This is exactly the conditioning we are living with.  If we are not open & available to lifes’ gifts, then the mind will get bored.  We’re not open to being guided by our souls calling, leading us on our own personal adventure.

I don’t want to live a half arsed life – I never have, I feel now, that there has always been a strong will guiding me on my adventures.  Even as my head has been in the way for most of my life – I can now sense that it has always been there guiding me.

So the journey home is not an easy one, but a courageous one that will show you parts of yourself that you may not have wished to see, but it is well worth it.  Beyond worth.  It is life.  There is nothing else.  As if you pass this life having not experienced that wonder that is you, well have you really lived?

My biggest fear is dying without having release my magic within, having not met my purpose…

to have a baby, or not to have a baby, that is the question…

The other day, upon receiving Mums care parcel, the craziest experience began to unfold.

As if a virtual delivery message was received with this tangible parcel, a communicative message deeper than can be understood began to envelope.

Just after Neil answered the door to the postman, who held with him, our parcel, I began to feel nauseous.  It was as if suddenly I needed to release a HUGE almighty burp from the pit of my belly, but I couldn’t.

We opened the parcel together – which was perfect.  Perfect because Neil is not usually home during the day.  The weather circumstances saw him home, resting.

Mum had told me she had written a letter to us.  An outlet of her thoughts post a very recent conversation we had had.

It was one of those beautiful conversations, that is absolute gold to share with your Mum.  That one magical person who accepts you entirely.  The topic – children.

My whole life, I have never been the kind of girl who has said that she’s wanted kids.  It’s never been on my agenda. Though equally – I have never cancelled it out either.  This conversation was about my age & stage in life, and whether or not I felt like this was really something I wanted.  At the age of 36.5 – one would say my ‘use by’ date is near approaching.

I’d shared my fears, thoughts, my current relationship status, with my Mum.  I put it all out on the table.  And as Mum does, in that Motherly nurturing way, she received my words and shared her wisdom.

And so after this conversation, and an equally beautiful one with another wise woman Mother, I have felt a profound shift of thoughts towards this topic.  So much so, I came to the conclusion that I felt kids were on the cards.  With this magnificient shift, shared my heart & placed these cards on the table for Neil to hold.

As our relationship is currently up for review – everything feels very much in the air.  Are we right for each other? We are so different.  Our interests are so different.  Our ideas are profoundly different… anyway, this journeys onto another story, so for the meantime, back with the original story…

I was feeling nauseous, so after opening Mums gifts; NZ Chocolate, a Kiwi t-shirt for Neil; A hand knitted cushion – sprayed with Mums scent, letter with thoughts about making babies, I needed to lay down.

I was breathing & burping and making a whole lota noise, trying to release what was now present for me in my body. After a good 10 minutes of this, Neil came to the bedroom to check on me.  I told him what was happening & he lay down to support me.  Another few minutes passed and the energy releasing turned into tears.  As usual, I wasn’t sure the reason behind the tears; I just go with it and allow them to flow.  Neil continued to hold me, checking in that I was ok.  They continued harder and deeper with their release.  As this was occurring – what was birthing was a profound sense of energy – this energy – so strong a presence, felt like that of a little being, informing us that he was choosing us to be his parents!  This beautiful profound spirit was making himself known that he would be coming into our lives!  I started communicating this this to Neil, but simply could not hold back the tears!  I continued to cry and cry…

Nearing the end of feeling this magical presence – I felt an amazing sensation – I can only liken to that of being pregnant!  Not that I know – but it felt wildly profound and very real.  I did purchase a pregnancy testing kit to double check – but the result was a negative.

So since then, Friday, I feel like I have opened up to a whole new level of communication with the world outside of what we perceive.

There are continued parts to this story that stray off on different tangents, but this is the one I feel most called to write about for now.

After reading the book, years ago – Winter Moon Rises, by Scott Blum – I always envisioned that if I was to ever have a baby, then I would connect with its soul firstly.  This experience alters the ‘idea’ of having a child as most of us know it.  It is wildly profound and connecting beyond this world than we could know.

This story is not finished yet, in fact it feels like the beginning of something, beyond the realms of simply (complexly) bringing a child into the world.

The calling of my soul…

I’ve heard this term a bit over my years, it was always one of those coaching descriptions that I understood intellectually, but didn’t yet have an experience of.

It’s a bit like your Mum/Dad/Grandparents, telling you, you just know when you’ve met that person you want to marry.

There’s a deep inner resonance with your soul.

A souls calling…  It communicating with you, calling you to take action around something deeply meaningful & transformative.

I feel like mine is yelling at me right now.

There is a restlessness within me, that feels like it won’t relax until I do the very thing it is calling me to do.

I’m pretty excited about it, I feel like I’ve been dancing between worlds of action & inaction for the last number of months.  I’ve learnt that there isn’t one clear straight road from point A to point B.  Sometimes, manytimes, one needs to take stock, smell the flowers, spend time with the flowers, get to know the purpose of these flowers before the journey continues.

I’m proud to say that I have been pretty compassionate towards myself during this time.  I am no longer the freight train that I used to be in getting tasks done.  Sometimes it can frustrate me that I don’t see results when I want to see them.  But then, as I’ve now learnt that I am connected to a bigger force at play, the end result is going to always be larger than I could’ve ever anticipated!

For a while now, I have had a goal, a dream, an idea that I will write a book.  I’ve seen it as being some sort of memoir about healing from sexual abuse, awakening to oneself into a life that is foreign and scary, and taking baby steps each day to integrate newness and wonder.

I figure that I can’t be the only woman or perhaps man out in the world, that has had to experience this sad reality. And that is the thing.  This story isn’t a sad one anymore.  It is an experience that has molded and shaped me into the very woman I am today.  Who knows who I would’ve been had I not of chosen this life to incarnate into.  We choose our life’s and experiences so that we can walk the path that we came here to.  When we are here, it’s a funny thing to reflect back on our human experiences and be so connected to them, as again, we are apart of a bigger magic.

This idea of my book has and is shaping each month that passes.  As I continue to focus on it, it continues to get clearer and clearer, I get more excited about its impending arrival.

Each time I sit down to write, there are a multiple billion word options available to me to use, it is curious which ones will choose my page.

My calling is getting stronger.  I am planning an escape into the forest, to be surrounded only by the trees, nature and water.  I am creating a space to invite the words to spill forth and create this book.  It is an exciting time.  I can feel that there is more available to me than I can conceive of.  And I feel ever more curious to read this book as I am to write it.

Spirit has a message to share through me, and I can’t wait to be its messenger.

 

 

Want to see a preview of me before TRANSFORMATION?

Today I decided to start my own 30 Day Vlog Challenge

I want to overcome my own judgments of myself

WHY
– share how I live
– gain a greater reach
– practice my speaking
– share my weirdness

INTENTION
– share my knowledge & wisdom
– inspire greater health
– reach people who need what I’m sharing

LET GO
– my judgement of how I look
– needing to be perfect
– my image
– repetitive ‘ya knows’ & ‘ums’

WELCOME IN
– greater speaking clarity
– speak succinctly
– share whats on my mind
– bring out more of my personality
– confidence speaking on video
– allow spirit to speak
– FUN & JOY

Pt 3 – how to get the life you want

Here is your third and final installment to this small blog series.

The Transformation

Its now been about a week or so that you’ve been practicing your new mantra, and observing the changes in your thoughts and your breathing.

I bet your whole world is beginning to open up.  You’re seeing new opportunities, feeling new experiences, witnessing synchronicity that you may have previously missed.  I LOVE synchronicity!

A shift has occurred and there is new possibility available to you right now!

What a wonderful new space to be in!

Embrace this.  It is time to give yourself a pat on the back for the work that you committed too.

As human beings, we’re to quick onto our next project, thought or shiny goal to chase.

Before you head off and start chasing that, I invite you to really embrace this new space that you have moved into.

Its time to celebrate!

Set aside some time for yourself.  I’d recommend at least 30 minutes.

Close your eyes.
Tune into all the wonder that you are witness to within your body.
The feelings, experiences, new ideas.
Feel these sensations within your body.
Observe where you feel it & continue to focus your attention on this space within.
Without agenda, continue to watch what happens within your body.
Give yourself as much time as you need here, until your eyes naturally open & there is a sense of completeness.

get the life you want
My Gratitude Diary I bought for myself

Now, write or draw your observations of this reflective experience.

To extend this experience further, share this piece with a close friend, partner or loved one.

Give yourself permission to relish in your transformation.

To really seal this change & honor this transition, choose something that you love & book this event into your diary.

I personally love to receive massages, buy flowers for the home, take myself out for breakfast or lunch, buy a delicious nutritious food item for my smoothie or raw treats, or give myself an afternoon to play in nature.

Whatever you choose, make it something that continues to make your heart sing.

I am SO proud of you courageous one!

I would LOVE to hear about your experience and how you chose to celebrate your transformation in the comments.

LOVE xox

Pt 2 – how to get the life you want

Welcome back.

It’s now been a few days that you’ve been practicing the mantra, Hello.  I Hear You.  I Love You, from Pt 1 of my blog here.

You will have noticed that after practicing it for a while, you’ve moved into a space where you are beginning to question the truth of these thoughts.

You might now be asking, “where did this belief come from?  Do I really believe this about myself?”

Chances are you’re beginning to open up a dialogue with yourself around the worthiness of these thoughts – and that’s PERFECT!

You are moving into a place of choice.

You have established awareness around what thoughts you can choose to think.

You can choose to think negatively of yourself, OR you can now chose to CREATE a NEW belief that’s inspired and positive!

I am not enough, turns into I AM enough!
I am not good enough, turns into I AM good enough.
See what we’ve done there?  Flipped it on its head!

It is in the place of awareness we can create change.  AWARENESS = CHANGE = TRANSFORMATION

Now when you hear your old belief, practice inserting your new one.

For the next few days practice your mantra whenever you can.

I AM ENOUGH.  I AM ENOUGH.  I AM ENOUGH.get the life you want

I use this example of enough-ness as, as I shared with you in Pt 1, this used to be my old belief system that I operated by.

My workouts were fueled by it, my Party nights were subconsciously fueled it.  The Body Building Competition I competed in was absolutely fueled by it!

It takes dedication & practice to chose to change your thoughts, but you CAN DO IT!

Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself the space you need to notice how you feel around this belief shift.  You are changing something on a cellular level, something that has been embedded within you for some time.  Remember how I shared the connection of this old belief with your digestive system and the potential issues or imbalances you might experience?  Well, remember this belief change will be shifting all the way down into your physical system.

What you may feel at first as you change your beliefs;

– It is normal to insert your new belief, and re-hear your old programming speak back.  Continue repeating your new belief.
–  You may notice your breath change as you allow the shift.  Notice any sighing, even yawning – allow these – in fact – welcome these energy shifts.
– If you need to cry, CRY girlfriend, if you feel frustrated, allow it.  If there’s anger, journal, express it!  Allow whatever emotions are surfacing, to surface.

Tools you can use through this process;

– Continue repeating your new belief.
– Give yourself space to observe your emotions & changing breath.  Have some quiet time at home, on your own, and if that’s not possible, head out into Nature, sit next to a tree, and feel it’s strong grounded energies support you to let go of the pain that you’ve been holding onto to.
– Write/Journal, get out in Nature, talk to a friend, move your body – Yoga/Tai Chi/Chi Gong/Walking…

It’s time to let go of the old, to welcome in the new.

Back when I was taking myself through this process, I used to cry my eyes out!  I spent evenings laying on the floor in a mess, my diaries were filled with words that circled my mind, and my bedroom was a mass of artwork that was an expression of my inner changes.

Do whatever you need to, and remember, I am here if you need support.  Drop me a message in the comments to let me know how you’re going.

Sending unconditional love & hugs to you dear one.  xo

Stay tuned for Pt 3 – the Transformation.

The uncomfortable awakening of my Kindred Spirit friendship

I have really recently had to acknowledge an uncomfortable communication experience, that magically appeared to bring some greater clarity into my life, and open me up to some intentions I set for myself on Tuesday night at the Sacred Circle.

See, I saw it all magically play out, as it was brought to my attention, but totally missed it, as it begun.

With the planning of the Sacred Circle that was held on Tuesday night, it was a new thing that was gathering a life of its own to commence.

It started with a conversation with a friend where, she had read that this was goal of mine as I’d shared it on Facebook.

When we saw each other after that post, she said “Let’s do that, I’d love that!”

So, I jumped, and together we said we’d start it and see what happened.

As I don’t really know many people here in Victoria yet, I said to her, invite whoever you want to come.  In that moment, I never really thought of the event as being MINE, more a co-creation of our energies.

I assumed that she was verbally inviting who she knew, and me, well, I couldn’t think of anyone else I knew.

Fast forward Tuesday day, I needed to get me some Nature time, so head out to Thetis Lake.  When I arrived, I thought of Erin, another friend that I’ve made here, through Neil.  It dawned on me, that I hadn’t personally spoken to her about the event, this somehow now seemed odd.  I knew Candace had – the original friend I’d started the conversation with, but I hadn’t even brought the topic up in conversation with Erin.

I thought it best I send Erin a text message and acknowledge this.  I hadn’t really thought anything of it, but turns out she had.

The reply I received from her, was one of upset & hurt.  “I don’t understand why you didn’t invite me, did I do something?”

Ouch.  Ouch for her – Ouch – what have I done?

Of course she hadn’t done anything.  What had I done?  Why HADN”T I invited her?

While in the woods, I got really honest with that question upon reading that text.  Why hadn’t I invited her?

And what I realized, my truth, was that I was intimidated by Erin.  I had seen her as someone I had to impress.  She is Neil’s nearest & dearest friend.  He adores her, he dotes on her, she is Neil’s Erin!  I was realizing that through our whole new friendship, I had not been honest at all, with showing her the real HEIDI.  I had not been my true self.  I had been a lesser uncomfortable version.  By me holding this Sacred Circle, I was scared of showing her who I really was, and was afraid that she’d reject me, because I really valued what she thought of who I was.

The truth was pouring out of me as I asked myself this question.

Ouch.  Again.  What had I done?

Upon realizing my truth, I immediately wanted to clear it.  Have an opportunity to talk.  But Erin on the other side of the phone, did not.  She wasn’t ready.

There was nothing I could do to change this.

I called Neil and told him what had happened.  What I’d done.  I knew he wasn’t happy.  Ouch.

Fast forward to the evening.  Neil arrived home.  His first words upon walking through the door, “What have you done to Erin?  She’s pissed.  Just kidding!”  Though I knew he wasn’t.

I explained my side of the story, to which he heard and tried to support me, though I could tell I was making out to be the villain in this story.

His phone rang.  It was Erin.  I could hear her voice through the phone.  All I heard was Bitch, and the butterflies in my stomach started.  Ouch.

After Neil’s conversation, he returned down the stairs and shared with me how upset she was.  I knew he was upset with me, and upset that his Erin was upset & he was trying to support me, but a sensitive knows.

Because I was heading out that night, to the Circle, Neil had decided to make plans and was heading over the Todd & Erins house to play…  Slight memories of school days surfaced.  Gossip fests & back stabbing.  Ouch.

Fast forward – I dropped Neil off at their house and headed to the Circle.

During the Circle we voiced our New Moon intentions – and mine has been to create new soul based friendships.  Attract Kindred Spirits into my life.  Create relationships based on love, compassion, support… All these yummy things.  It suddenly occurred to me, that perhaps I hadn’t been this, to attract this?  I was acknowledging that I have been scared to be my authentic hippy spiritual self.  She’s been present to me, but perhaps not so much in some friendships.  I could see what was happening.

The next day, I took myself for a drive.  I needed to get out.  So I headed down to Dallas Road, to where the beach and the mountains are.  Ohhhh the Mountains…  I sat in the car and a few things happened.

I began having a conversation with Erin’s Soul about the whole experience.  I could see that it had all been a beautiful orchestration of events to bring us together as Kindred Souls!  We laughed and joked about the horrible experience we’d created for each other to come together, but we had come together, and that was the purpose!  I saw Neil & Erin as Kindred Spirit friends, and understood why they have the friendship that they do.  It was all SO clear!  I saw Erin & I coming together on a new level – and with that I just cried.  I cried and cried… Tears of joy.  Tears of acknowledgment of a new time on this Earth.  Where Kindred Friendships are and have been forming.  Just magic…

However because these soul conversations are new for me, I am still humanly aware that I have to deal with the physicality of our experience.  A conversation is still necessary in order to clear whatever lessons have been brought to the light.

Thankfully, Thursday she was ready to meet.  Through our soul conversation I knew I needed to present a small gift, a small token to Erin to show her that we’d had that conversation.  Though I didn’t know at the time what it needed to be.  Her soul had told me  – so I know.  Wednesday night, I was laying in bed, and the answer hit me.  A shell.  Erin LOVES shells!  And I remembered just the perfect gift.  I was sad to be giving this away, as I love him.  But happy to be giving him to Erin, and I knew she would love him too.  I have a Shell Necklace that I bought with me from Australia, which is a beautiful healing device.  He was created to open up to spirit and aid in healing.  My little baromay friend.  He was perfect. So I jumped out of bed to grab him, and give him a wake up to let him know he was off to a new home.

Roll round Thursday, Erin & I had scheduled to meet at my local coffee shop.  I think I must have tuned my new friend Jeff in, as he was there waiting for me.  Funny.  I told him that I was about to have a significant meeting with a friend and he heard me.

Erin arrived and I could tell we were both a little unsure how it was going to go.  I didn’t know whether we were going to run together and embrace like the movies – or nut things out all humanly – who knew.  Jeff suggested – did it matter.  ha

Sparing the details, as you know them all now.  We chatted, cleared and discussed each others side of the story, and heard each other.  The details seem irrelevant given the conversation I knew I’d had with her soul the day before.

I gave her the shell necklace and her face lite up!  She was captivated by him & wore him immediately.  I felt thrilled.  It could feel its power hit home.

From there forward, we talked and talked and continued to talk right up until the early afternoon.  I felt like we danced and I felt like we shared so many of the same little idiosyncrasies.  I hadn’t shared myself with Erin previously, for fear of rejection.  Rejection of myself in the world, manifested and projected as Erin rejecting me.

So the magical gift from this uncomfortable communication slip up, was I got to really connect with one of my Kindred Sistas – and it feels AMAZING…

Acknowledge the uncomfortable stuff, face it head on, because what have you got to loose?  Pride.  Dignity?  Move into vulnerability, join the dance with spirit and play…  Welcome the magic!

 

ogden-point-breakwater (1)
Odgen Point – Victoria BC